My girlfriend taunts me. How can I win her respect back?

[Lucas98]

I am a foreign exchange student (please excuse my English if I make some mistakes) and something really embarrassing happened to me recently.

I went to this nightclub with my US girlfriend the other day and got really drunk.. I ended up hitting on another woman and I laid a hand on her bum while doing so (I really don´t know what I was thinking. I´m really ashamed of myself 😞 ). Long story short, I got my ass whooped severely by that girls boyfriend, my face was bruised and swollen for a week. My girlfriend taunts me a lot because of this, she tells me what kind of weakling I was for getting beaten. Even if she does it in a joking way, it still hurts and I want to win her respect back..

 

What do you think?

 

[Wiseman2]

3 minutes ago, Lucas98 said:

I got my ass whooped severely by that girls boyfriend, my face was bruised and swollen for a week. My girlfriend taunts me a lot because of this, she tells me what kind of weakling I was for getting beaten.

Go to the police and file an assault charge. Get control of your drinking. End it with the GF.

[DancingFool]

Making light of a very ugly situation doesn't mean she lost respect for you necessarily.

That said, does it occur to you that she is taunting you not because you got beat up, but rather because YOU hurt her feelings by hitting on and groping another woman in your gf's face? Have you apologized to her about it and addressed it with her? That might be a good place to start if you want her to stop taunting you about it.

 

[smackie9]

well that will learn ya. She taunts you because you disrespected her, that girl and her BF. I doubt this is repairable. sounds like she's out for revenge...that's pretty damaging to your relationship, if there is one still.

[Rose Mosse]

Why on earth would you want to win her respect back? She has no self-control - why resort to taunting? Not a very mature move despite your loss of control (an eye for an eye blah blah blah). She could simply have broken up with you - end of story. Was there a reason why you acted out? Was the relationship an unhappy one to begin with?

Take yourself out of this mess permanently and don't look back. Have more self-respect. Don't worry about what other people are thinking or doing. Focus on your own wellbeing and health. 

Figure out the drinking issue if you can't seem to control yourself while drinking or control your drinking.

I'd get rid of this crowd you're hanging with and stay sober. 

[Tanzi]

So you hit on another woman when you were out with your gf.

Your gf is annoyed at you for getting beaten up, not for hitting on another woman.

Very strange relationship.

I'm not sure either or you are ready for a grown-up relationship.

[Lucas98]

12 hours ago, Rose Mosse said:

Why on earth would you want to win her respect back? She has no self-control - why resort to taunting? Not a very mature move despite your loss of control (an eye for an eye blah blah blah). She could simply have broken up with you - end of story. Was there a reason why you acted out? Was the relationship an unhappy one to begin with?

Take yourself out of this mess permanently and don't look back. Have more self-respect. Don't worry about what other people are thinking or doing. Focus on your own wellbeing and health. 

Figure out the drinking issue if you can't seem to control yourself while drinking or control your drinking.

I'd get rid of this crowd you're hanging with and stay sober. 

Dont´t you think a relationship is worth fighting over? I mean, her reaction is understandable to a certain degree

[Wiseman2]

16 minutes ago, Lucas98 said:

Dont´t you think a relationship is worth fighting over?

I don't think getting drunk and getting in altercations is a good idea unless you plan on getting arrested and deported.

[Lucas98]

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

I don't think getting drunk and getting in altercations is a good idea unless you plan on getting arrested and deported.

No, you misunderstood what I meant. I mean that I don´t want to just leave my girlfriend because of her behaviour.

And it was not really an ,,altercation" with this man.. It was rather one sided and I didn´t fight back

[Wiseman2]

45 minutes ago, Lucas98 said:

And it was not really an ,,altercation" with this man.. It was rather one sided and I didn´t fight back

Doesn't matter . they can arrest you for 'drunk and disorderly'. And you're lucky the woman in the bar didn't press charges for touching her.

Get your act together, stop getting drunk, groping women and getting in fights.

 

[DarkCh0c0]

@Lucas98 it really doesn't matter. If I was your gf, I would've dumped you right when I saw your immature act. Don't be surprised if she does so too in the coming days.

 

 

[LotusBlack]

I’d honestly be much less concerned about winning your girlfriend’s respect back and much more concerned with why on earth you felt it was okay, drunk or not, to put your hands on another person without their consent. 

Moreover - first, you’re an exchange student, so focus on what you’re there to do - study. Chances of this relationship overcoming the distance barrier once you return to your home country and back into the rhythm of your own lives is, sorry to say it, slim to none. Only the most committed and mature relationships can withstand the distance, and that only happens when there is a plan in place to end the distance indefinitely at an agreed upon time. Even then, many couples in the best of circumstances fail to overcome the challenges a distance relationship can be faced with. Most of these couples at least were in a committed relationship prior to entering into a long distance one. So, really think about your situation.

Second, get yourself sorted out with the touching without consent issue. It does not matter one bit what kind of influence you were under. You have zero right to touch another person unless they expressly give you permission. Blaming it on the alcohol doesn’t mitigate the crime. And yes, it was a crime. You just happened to get away without any legal ramifications, but that doesn’t make it any less illegal, not to mention unethical. You’re lucky all you got was a beating. If that woman did lay charges, you’d get a record and that is not something you want to carry around for the rest of your life, particularly if you wish to continue international travel. 

Third, college may be about new experiences and having a few parties, but learn to be responsible and mature enough to remember what you’re there for. Get your degree, work hard, be respectful, forget all the dating drama unless you’re mature enough to handle relationships and responsible enough to not get blind drunk, grope women, and offend and disrespect your gf and relationship. You’re likely not in the position emotionally or practically to take on a mature and committed relationship that will stand the test of time, so get your priorities straight and sort yourself out. Forget about the gf and focus on being a good and decent person.

[Lucas98]

18 hours ago, LotusBlack said:

I’d honestly be much less concerned about winning your girlfriend’s respect back and much more concerned with why on earth you felt it was okay, drunk or not, to put your hands on another person without their consent. 

Moreover - first, you’re an exchange student, so focus on what you’re there to do - study. Chances of this relationship overcoming the distance barrier once you return to your home country and back into the rhythm of your own lives is, sorry to say it, slim to none. Only the most committed and mature relationships can withstand the distance, and that only happens when there is a plan in place to end the distance indefinitely at an agreed upon time. Even then, many couples in the best of circumstances fail to overcome the challenges a distance relationship can be faced with. Most of these couples at least were in a committed relationship prior to entering into a long distance one. So, really think about your situation.

Second, get yourself sorted out with the touching without consent issue. It does not matter one bit what kind of influence you were under. You have zero right to touch another person unless they expressly give you permission. Blaming it on the alcohol doesn’t mitigate the crime. And yes, it was a crime. You just happened to get away without any legal ramifications, but that doesn’t make it any less illegal, not to mention unethical. You’re lucky all you got was a beating. If that woman did lay charges, you’d get a record and that is not something you want to carry around for the rest of your life, particularly if you wish to continue international travel. 

Third, college may be about new experiences and having a few parties, but learn to be responsible and mature enough to remember what you’re there for. Get your degree, work hard, be respectful, forget all the dating drama unless you’re mature enough to handle relationships and responsible enough to not get blind drunk, grope women, and offend and disrespect your gf and relationship. You’re likely not in the position emotionally or practically to take on a mature and committed relationship that will stand the test of time, so get your priorities straight and sort yourself out. Forget about the gf and focus on being a good and decent person.

Thank you! That sounds very helpful. I guess what I did was a one-in-a-lifetime mistake and I regret it

 

 

[LotusBlack]

1 hour ago, Lucas98 said:

Thank you! That sounds very helpful. I guess what I did was a one-in-a-lifetime mistake and I regret it

 

 

Just to clarify in the last post I made - I don’t condone violence either, so I think it wasn’t okay for her boyfriend to lay his hands on your either, but you are fortunate that that was all that occurred. I’m sorry you were beaten and you would also be within your rights to press charges. However, I would take this as a lesson to really think about your priorities.

You mention that what you did was a once in a lifetime offence. I hope it is the case that you don’t repeat such an act; however, be careful about thinking of it in that way because you are distancing yourself from your offence and not really taking responsibility or being accountable for it. You’re speaking of it in a way that removes you and your character from the act you carried out. But make no mistake, it was you and something within you felt entitled to doing it. It may seem like a small thing but you have no idea what kind of trauma that can cause for someone. No amount of influence should be able to put you in the position of doing something like that if it is against your core values. So, I think you really need to be honest with yourself, dig deep and discover why it is you felt emboldened by alcohol to take such liberties with another person’s body. It may be that, to your mind, it isn’t so significant, so it’s okay. Or that just because YOU would be okay with it then everyone else should be too, but you don’t determine someone else’s boundaries. So, get it solidly imprinted in your psyche that NO form of unsolicited physical contact is okay, period. No permission = no physical contact.

[daryan12s]

It will only be possible to regain her respect by actions. And it will take a lot of time. Be yourself, be honest with her and things will work out. Good luck to both of you!

[Lucas98]

On 6/24/2021 at 2:32 PM, daryan12s said:

It will only be possible to regain her respect by actions. And it will take a lot of time. Be yourself, be honest with her and things will work out. Good luck to both of you!

Thank you so much for your answer! 🙂 I´m trying to

 

[Batya33]

When you choose to get drunk you choose the consequences.  I don't condone violence either and when you assault someone as you did you put yourself at risk for someone coming to that person's defense or getting very angry and lashing out (again what he did was not in self defense and I can imagine why what you did to his girlfriend infuriated him).  I don't think you should continue dating your girlfriend unless you two work out exactly why she's picking on you for that aspect of what you chose to do that night.

[Pleasedonot5]

Hey, OP.

It has been said and said and said again:  groping or smacking someone on the rear - even if drunk - can subject you to criminal and civil liability. And it's immoral. Don't do it again. That said, you didn't deserve to be assaulted and battered in response. I am sorry that happened to you: the other guy could also be subject to criminal and civil liability. Anyway, I will assume you understand all of this by now and move on.

I find that your girlfriend is calling you a weakling is somewhat bizarre. I would not be surprised if her "taunting" actually came from a place of resentment because of the groping/smacking. Moving forward:

• I think you should have a talk with your girlfriend.
  • First, apologize for disrespecting her and the other woman. Explain how you will avoid the situation in the future. For instance, you could say you will limit the number of drinks you have at one time from now on. 
  • Second, explain that while what you did in a drunken stupor was bad - she should not be insulting you like she is. You didn't fight back and she knows that. Her insults make you feel awful. 

Hopefully, she will be receptive.

[Rose Mosse]

On 6/23/2021 at 1:08 AM, Lucas98 said:

Dont´t you think a relationship is worth fighting over? I mean, her reaction is understandable to a certain degree

Verbal or emotional abuse is never acceptable. Neither is your behaviour in the bar. However the bar behaviour was a one time occurrence provided it doesn't happen again. Her behaviour and taunts appear to be ongoing. That is the issue and the continued idea that you want to be around such horrible treatment towards you does seem questionable. 

If you choose to stay with this person, be clear that you are sorry for the incident and it won't happen again but her comments have to stop as they are verbally abusive. Don't put up with crap, please.