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Sex in a long term relationship


Myriam
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My husband and I have been in a relashionship for 12 years. For a while now our sex life as been unfulfilling.

The problem lies in the differences in our libido and preferences.

I'm much more physical than he is, even in the most mundane aspects of our daily lifes. I like longer hugs, deeper kisses and a lot more touching than he does. Luckily, we could find some compromise and live happy and generally peaceful lives.

However, when it comes to sex, our needs are too discrepant. I love having sex and if it were up to me, we would have it every day. Although he likes sex, he feels it's quite tiring and doesn't want/need it as often. He feels comfortable having sex once a week (or less).

I'm okay with having less sex than I need as long as there's a way to make up for it with intimacy. Unfortunately, due to the pandemic, he's the only person I can have physical contact with and it's just not enough. I try masturbating more often but it doesn't seem to help. I tried discussing it with him, but it feels like I'm walking on eggshells (I'm afraid of pressuring him and only making it worse).

Another aspect that's been bothering me it's the quality of our sex life.

He's very tradicional when it comes to sex and doesn't enjoy trying new things. On the other hand, I'd love to try new things, such as tantric sex, using toys, roleplaying, BDSM, etc. It's very difficult to reach an agreement and we end up doing the same thing over and over again.

It pains me that I'm hardly making love anymore but just satisfying a basic need and using the one I love most in the world to do it.

Could do please help me? I don't know how to improve this aspect of our lives and really need some advice.

(By the way, none of us is cheating and spliting up is out of the question. I treasure our relationship and the warm, trustfull and happy home we build.)

Edited by Myriam
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  • Myriam changed the title to Sex in a long term relationship
47 minutes ago, Dandelion. said:

 For a while now our sex life as been unfulfilling.

How long has it been unfulfilling? Was it ever good? 12 years is a long to to suddenly realize he's too vanilla for you, no?

How old is he? How is your health? How is his?

Are there kids? Have you fallen into a rut overall?

Charging at him with whips and leather is a super turn off. So is begging. Stop that.

Pull way back from this. Create intimacy, not drama.

When is the last time you had a date? Or did something romantic.

 You claim your relationship is good , but what happens outside the bedroom is affecting what's going on in the bedroom.

Perhaps marriage therapy could get the cards out on the table about all this resentment. 

 

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How warm and happy of a home is it when he doesn't care that you're unfulfilled? If he cared in the least, wouldn't he be willing to try at least one thing you suggested? And when you try to discuss things with him, you say you're walking on eggshells. Are you fooling yourself about how much he really cares?

Question is, why you settled for a life of frustration. I'd ask him to go to couples counseling with you. If he refuses, go to counseling on your own to show him the seriousness of the matter. If he shows no concern when you do that, good luck settling for living with your roommate, since he's little more than that.

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Thanks for replying!

It was good. It started changing about 2 years ago. There were two major changes at the time, he changed his job (there were stressful times in the new job) and I stopped taking the pill (had increased libido after that).

He's 30, I'm 28 and we don't have any chronic illnesses (not sure if that's what you asked). Overall, I'm healthy but gained some weight and couldn't exercise during the lockdown. He gained a lot of weight in the last couple of years and does little exercise.

We don't have kids but would like to in the next 2/3 years.

We go on a date at least once a week and every evening we either go walking together or cuddle.

I never brought whips nor begged. Just curious and would like to try different stuff once to see if it's enjoyable.

You're right, marriage therapy would probably be the best, I'm just really scared and am not sure how to bring it up to him or how to choose a counselor.

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I honestly think that at this stage in your relationship, this is what you're going to have to accept.

If he suddenly changed and there was a legit reason behind it, then maybe it's possible to convert back to the ways that work for both of you.

However, if this is how he has been for 12 years, I'd say the likelihood of it changing, is slim to none.

If you were this different in what you enjoy in terms of sex and intimacy, I do wonder who you managed for 12 years?

 

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1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

How long has it been unfulfilling? Was it ever good? 12 years is a long to to suddenly realize he's too vanilla for you, no?

How old is he? How is your health? How is his?

Are there kids? Have you fallen into a rut overall?

Charging at him with whips and leather is a super turn off. So is begging. Stop that.

Pull way back from this. Create intimacy, not drama.

When is the last time you had a date? Or did something romantic.

 You claim your relationship is good , but what happens outside the bedroom is affecting what's going on in the bedroom.

Perhaps marriage therapy could get the cards out on the table about all this resentment. 

 

Thanks for replying!

It was good. It started changing about 2 years ago. There were two major changes at the time, he changed his job (there were stressful times in the new job) and I stopped taking the pill (had increased libido after that).

He's 30, I'm 28 and we don't have any chronic illnesses (not sure if that's what you asked). Overall, I'm healthy but gained some weight and couldn't exercise during the lockdown. He gained a lot of weight in the last couple of years and does little exercise.

We don't have kids but would like to in the next 2/3 years.

We go on a date at least once a week and every evening we either go walking together or cuddle.

I never brought whips nor begged. Just curious and would like to try different stuff once to see if it's enjoyable.

You're right, marriage therapy would probably be the best, I'm just really scared and am not sure how to bring it up to him or how to choose a counselor.

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1 minute ago, Dandelion. said:

It was good. It started changing about 2 years ago. There were two major changes at the time, he changed his job (there were stressful times in the new job) and I stopped taking the pill (had increased libido after that).

Okay, just seen your update.

Is he still working at the same job? It's difficult to change how he is if he is working at a high pressured job that is giving him more stress, and possibly less sleep.

His performance is definitely going to change and be less.

That's not his fault. It really is more about becoming a lot more tired and feeling the strain.

Unless he changes jobs, it won't make much sense to go to a counselor being as it's an outer stressor that's causing the problem, and not necessarily him or your marriage.

It would also be unfair to him right now to add more pressure on him by asking for more sex and to change it up like you are curious about if he is still feeling drained most days or still has a lot of stress.

I think the bottom line here is, unless he changes jobs, there isn't a whole lot of options here.

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4 minutes ago, SherrySher said:

Okay, just seen your update.

Is he still working at the same job? It's difficult to change how he is if he is working at a high pressured job that is giving him more stress, and possibly less sleep.

His performance is definitely going to change and be less.

That's not his fault. It really is more about becoming a lot more tired and feeling the strain.

Unless he changes jobs, it won't make much sense to go to a counselor being as it's an outer stressor that's causing the problem, and not necessarily him or your marriage.

It would also be unfair to him right now to add more pressure on him by asking for more sex and to change it up like you are curious about if he is still feeling drained most days or still has a lot of stress.

I think the bottom line here is, unless he changes jobs, there isn't a whole lot of options here.

He actually changed jobs 2 months ago. In january, he came home because of the lockdown and when the country reopened he felt he could not go back to how it was and changed jobs. He works a lot less and that's how we can spend time together.

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4 minutes ago, Dandelion. said:

He actually changed jobs 2 months ago. In january, he came home because of the lockdown and when the country reopened he felt he could not go back to how it was and changed jobs. He works a lot less and that's how we can spend time together.

Do you know what other reason could be causing him to not be as into sex now a days then if he was more into it before?

Could there be anything else causing him to be pulling away?

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1 hour ago, SherrySher said:

Do you know what other reason could be causing him to not be as into sex now a days then if he was more into it before?

Could there be anything else causing him to be pulling away?

Well... maybe his self-esteem is a bit lower since he gained weight. I noticed he cares a lot less about his appearance than he used to. Also noticed that sometimes, when I compliment him, it feels like he doesn't believe it.

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So once the masks come off, suggest doing more physical activities. Try something new, like golf, or tennis, go for bike rides. Exercise, even in small doses help heaps in dealing with stress, and increases libido. Eating healthier, cooking together can be a good option too.

It's good that you acknowledge there's some work that needs to be done on your relationship....but now you can reverse that with some lifestyle changes. It's a first step anyways, that's easy to take on.

Edited by smackie9
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8 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

So once the masks come off, suggest doing more physical activities. Try something new, like golf, or tennis, go for bike rides. Exercise, even in small doses help heaps in dealing with stress, and increases libido. Eating healthier, cooking together can be a good option too.

It's good that you acknowledge there's some work that needs to be done on your relationship....but now you can reverse that with some lifestyle changes. It's a first step anyways, that's easy to take on.

Thanks for your advice.

I'll talk to him about us exercising together. If it's riding a bike or playing football, he'll probably accept right away (I think he just doesn't like gyms nor running aimlessly).

Personally, I'd love that. Even though my job is quite active, at night I have way too much energy.

As for eating healthier, we've been careful lately.

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2 hours ago, Dandelion. said:

It was good. It started changing about 2 years ago. There were two major changes at the time, he changed his job and I stopped taking the pill .

 I'm healthy but gained some weight and couldn't exercise during the lockdown. He gained a lot of weight in the last couple of years and does little exercise.

Ok. Start by seeing a physician about your health and weight and contraception.

He may be avoiding sex because he is not ready for kids. Have you even discussed that or just announced that you went of contraception?

Also if he "gained a lot of weight", he's not healthy.

Ask the doctor for a referral to a therapist. Go alone at first to unpack and sort out some stuff, then get a referral to a marriage counsellor.

 

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Get a Lush Vibrator - they kind you leave inside and operator by blue tooth to the phone.  Have him control the pulsing levels. So it will fulfill the BDSM drive, and all he has to do is watch/not watch/either way, it gives him control without having to get naked.

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1 hour ago, Dandelion. said:

Thanks for your advice.

I'll talk to him about us exercising together. If it's riding a bike or playing football, he'll probably accept right away (I think he just doesn't like gyms nor running aimlessly).

Personally, I'd love that. Even though my job is quite active, at night I have way too much energy.

As for eating healthier, we've been careful lately.

I hate the gym too. It's more fun to go site seeing, or go for a walk through some trails. There are so many outdoor options that cost you nothing.

Edited by smackie9
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2 hours ago, Dandelion. said:

Well... maybe his self-esteem is a bit lower since he gained weight. I noticed he cares a lot less about his appearance than he used to. Also noticed that sometimes, when I compliment him, it feels like he doesn't believe it.

If that's the case, then the more you pressure him about sex, the more he'll shut down and become even more insecure. By pressure, I don't mean literally pressure, but rather the more you talk and ask to try different things the worse he feels about himself. He doesn't hear "let's explore and have fun", what he is hearing is "you are letting me down you fat loser." I know it's not what you intend, but it's important that you understand what's going on in his head.

It sounds like his depression/self esteem issues are situational. So rather than talking and asking for, come up with fun ideas for better cooking and eating habits. Also, do pick up some new physical type hobbies - tennis, golf, hiking, whatever. Go do some roads trips on weekends and just change your scenery. You might need to take charge a bit and be the initiator of all that. More of a here is what we are going to do and be very positive when he participates and steps up.

Once you are both more fit, you might find that the libido and fun in the bedroom returns more naturally. Less talk more action kind of a way.

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1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Ok. Start by seeing a physician about your health and weight and contraception.

He may be avoiding sex because he is not ready for kids. Have you even discussed that or just announced that you went of contraception?

Also if he "gained a lot of weight", he's not healthy.

Ask the doctor for a referral to a therapist. Go alone at first to unpack and sort out some stuff, then get a referral to a marriage counsellor.

 

We use contraception (condoms). I stopped taking the pill because I had secundary effects to every one I tried (had frequent gynecologist appointments).

Nonetheless, we haven't been to the doctor since the pandemic started and were waiting to be vaccinated to go.

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2 hours ago, tattoobunnie said:

Get a Lush Vibrator - they kind you leave inside and operator by blue tooth to the phone.  Have him control the pulsing levels. So it will fulfill the BDSM drive, and all he has to do is watch/not watch/either way, it gives him control without having to get naked.

This is what we call technological wonders! Thank God we have competent engineers in this world working all day to improve people's lives!

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1 hour ago, DancingFool said:

If that's the case, then the more you pressure him about sex, the more he'll shut down and become even more insecure. By pressure, I don't mean literally pressure, but rather the more you talk and ask to try different things the worse he feels about himself. He doesn't hear "let's explore and have fun", what he is hearing is "you are letting me down you fat loser." I know it's not what you intend, but it's important that you understand what's going on in his head.

It sounds like his depression/self esteem issues are situational. So rather than talking and asking for, come up with fun ideas for better cooking and eating habits. Also, do pick up some new physical type hobbies - tennis, golf, hiking, whatever. Go do some roads trips on weekends and just change your scenery. You might need to take charge a bit and be the initiator of all that. More of a here is what we are going to do and be very positive when he participates and steps up.

Once you are both more fit, you might find that the libido and fun in the bedroom returns more naturally. Less talk more action kind of a way.

Thank you so much for your intake! I've never considered it from that perspective. I'll definitely follow your advice, start doing more physical hobbies and stop pressuring (even of unintended).

We really need to change and I have to be more proactive about it.

As soon as we get vaccinated we'll go to the doctor, as others suggested, to know what to do about our health, both mental and physical, and ask for marital counselling. In the meanwhile, I'll do my best to ensure that we both eat healthy and exercise.

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