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Insecure boyfriend


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Background info: My boyfriend and I work in same company, same role, different locations. Its a long distance relation. We applied for same promotion (we are based in south asia, so promotion has its own process, there is exam for it, thousands apply for 100 seats, also 33% reservation for women).

Result is not out yet but given the fact only few women apply I have a fair chance of getting it and we feel my boyfriend wont get it because his scores are borderline, so are mine.

So my boyfriend is upset that he might not get it, I understand his fear and wanted to make him feel better so I said, "the result is not out yet and you still might get it, maybe God has planned something better for you"

He said its easier for me to say that since i ll be getting it due to reservation...i agree with him. But he started taunting me that how its easier for women or for me to get a promotion and how he feels bad that I ll get promoted over him. To which i assured him that it wont impact our relationship and i loved him for what he is not for his job profile. But he seemed mad at me for the fact that women get reservation.

Now I have started to feel that maybe he doesnt love me....if he did he would have not been envious of this thing or not blame me for all this reservation. 

At this point i m split between two thoughts, either I m overreacting or he is insecure and its not good for our relation.

Advice me please

Edited by Kinza123
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5 minutes ago, Kinza123 said:

he started taunting me that how its easier for women or for me to get a promotion

So, a misogynist.  

7 minutes ago, Kinza123 said:

he seemed mad at me for the fact that women get reservation.

You are not over-reacting.

 

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How long have you been involved?

You said, at the beginning that you are both working for same company - so he is employed at this time?

Yes, his reaction towards you is poor 😕 .. No, you should NOT feel guilt on any of this!

He better back off with his reaction.

 

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Ohh k, so this is a different position within the company?

Either way, it should not matter.  As this is NOT on you.

is not your fault with how THEY work.

So, he needs to stop how he is treating you on this.

Tell him, if he is not happy go find another job?  But just stop with all of this.

Edited by SooSad33
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21 minutes ago, Kinza123 said:

 Its a long distance relation.

he started taunting me that how its easier for women or for me to get a promotion and how he feels bad that I ll get promoted over him.

Sorry this is happening. How often do you see each other?

Is this an arranged marriage? Why is it distance? 

He seems like a loser who has a bad attitude toward women and you in particular.

Thankfully it doesn't look like this will work out so he can sulk, pout and be a sore loser and all you have to do is delete and block him and date local men with better attitudes.

 In the future do not state that the only reason you got a job is gender ratios. Take credit for your qualifications. 

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Just now, Kinza123 said:

That kills me from inside.

Dump him. It's too far and he's nasty.

Your own accomplishments should not "kill you inside".

A BF should not take out his wrath on you...that's abusive.

You need to be proud of yourself and with someone who is competent and supportive.

Talk to trusted friends and family about how creepy and petty he's being.

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2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. How often do you see each other?

Is this an arranged marriage? Why is it distance? 

He seems like a loser who has a bad attitude toward women and you in particular.

Thankfully it doesn't look like this will work out so he can sulk, pout and be a sore loser and all you have to do is delete and block him and date local men with better attitudes.

 In the future do not state that the only reason you got a job is gender ratios. Take credit for your qualifications. 

On an average once a month. During lockdown it was once in 3 months.

We are not married, it was mutual liking turned to love. 

But i so wanted it to work, it takes toll on the emotional health to go through this process of falking in love and then to breakup. 

For me falling out of love takes too much of time and effort

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3 minutes ago, Kinza123 said:

But i so wanted it to work,

That isn't enough, K.   

 

3 minutes ago, Kinza123 said:

For me falling out of love takes too much of time and effort

What is that supposed to mean, K?   In fact I am asking what exactly you find so "lovable" about this person. 

 

And you say:

"he has become excessive hateful towards women"

He probably didn't like women much in the first place, for whatever reason. 

Edited by LaHermes
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13 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

Ohh k, so this is a different position within the company?

Either way, it should not matter.  As this is NOT on you.

is not your fault with how THEY work.

So, he needs to stop how he is treating you on this.

Tell him, if he is not happy go find another job?  But just stop with all of this.

Yeahh...ever since the realisation of him not getting this promotion...he has become excessive hateful towards women

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Whether he agrees with the process or not, a partner should treat you as a team rather than competition. When one of you does well, it's a celebration for both of you. It seems he's easily threatened by the idea of you gaining any success he might not, and that's real bad news. 

 

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1 minute ago, LaHermes said:

That isn't enough, K.   

 

What is that supposed to mean, K?   In fact I am asking what exactly you find so "lovable" about this person. 

The good things that happened between us in the realtionship

I feel maybe its just a phase of him..usually its 50-50 in the relationship..maybe its one of those days where i need to put my 100% 

I dont want to make him feel not loved at this critical time of his life...

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4 minutes ago, Kinza123 said:

he has become excessive hateful towards women

Huge red flag. At a distance and as a fantasy you may love him, but now you are seeing his true colors. Talk to trusted friends and family about him.

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4 minutes ago, itsallgrand said:

Whether he agrees with the process or not, a partner should treat you as a team rather than competition. When one of you does well, it's a celebration for both of you. It seems he's easily threatened by the idea of you gaining any success he might not, and that's real bad news. 

 

Yess...thats exactly i expect him to behave. But i dont why it feels guilty to leave him over this

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7 minutes ago, Kinza123 said:

Yeahh...ever since the realisation of him not getting this promotion...he has become excessive hateful towards women

Wow , that's not good 😕 .

Maybe you should voice yourself once more.  Just tell him enough!  If he doesn't let it go.. then let him go.

you just don't need this type of reaction/ guilt.

 

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I can assure you it is NOT a phase, K. 

1 minute ago, Kinza123 said:

I dont want to make him feel not loved at this critical time of his life...

I can't believe I am reading this!   Tough luck.  I assume he is a grown man and can deal with "critical" times in his life, just like the rest of us. Why should you be the one putting in all the heavy lifting!

However, if you don't want to break up then there is nothing more to be said.  He knows you will take this demeaning kind of language without complaint and he will simply get worse and worse. Guaranteed. 

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1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

Huge red flag. At a distance and as a fantasy you may love him, but now you are seeing his true colors. Talk to trusted friends and family about him.

Thats weird when you are in love....brain says its a red flag but my emotions come up with escape answers to it...sad

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4 minutes ago, Kinza123 said:

I dont want to make him feel not loved at this critical time of his life...

Critical time of his life?

I don't see how you are not trying.. to make him feel loved?  he is the one who's pushing it 😕 .

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6 minutes ago, Kinza123 said:

Yeahh...ever since the realisation of him not getting this promotion...he has become excessive hateful towards women

He has always been like that. You are just seeing his true colors for the first time and good that you are seeing it now, rather than once you are married with kids and getting away from him would be hard.

You might have liked each other and dated for two years, but you really don't know each other that well and haven't spent that much time together. So yes, seeing his real personality is a shock. When you only see him once a moth or so, easy for him to fake being nice. Now that something real came up, he can't hide who he really is. The mask is off.

When a man acts like that....thank your lucky stars and run.

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1 minute ago, DancingFool said:

he can't hide who he really is. The mask is off.

When a man acts like that....thank your lucky stars and run.

OP.  Read and re-read all the posts.   This is no time to dither.  You need someone who respects you, not just love you, but respects you!

 

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Just now, LaHermes said:

OP.  Read and re-read all the posts.   This is no time to dither.  You need someone who respects you, not just love you, but respects you!

 

Yes...thats right

I hope i can gather enough emotional strength to deal with it.

Often i have been in situation where i advice people on this matter, and in such scenarios i think to myself why this woman is not leaving this man, why she is putting up with all this.

Its difficult, but it should be done

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The results haven't even come out yet.

What a whole lot of wasted energy, don't you think? If he drains you and both of you aren't on the same page and can be happy for each other, what is the point of all this (being in a relationship)? 

A bit ridiculous to be resenting women in general because of his own issues getting the position. The pressure is getting too much for him it seems. Figure out whether this is attractive to you.

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4 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

The results haven't even come out yet.

What a whole lot of wasted energy, don't you think? If he drains you and both of you aren't on the same page and can be happy for each other, what is the point of all this (being in a relationship)? 

A bit ridiculous to be resenting women in general because of his own issues getting the position. The pressure is getting too much for him it seems. Figure out whether this is attractive to you.

I will have a talk with him and breakup in person

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