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Insecurity while dating a girl brings out the worst in me


bbogdanov
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8 minutes ago, Andrina said:

This is a warning shot over your bow. Really important info there. A person with emotional baggage is  someone who is hard to have a relationship with. They drag around that heavy baggage and it's exhausting. So she hangs on to each man in her past, like collecting them on a chain? An excuse meant to touch your heart strings since it's tied to her father's death.

I only know that if someone I dated went on vacations, even with a group, with an ex and stayed in contact, he'd no longer be someone I dated.

That's me, though. You've been given lots of info so it's entirely up to you what you do.

Don't we all have emotional baggage? I am getting more confused. Before yesterday's date I was inclined to end things but her explanation somehow made me change my mind. Now I am wondering again :/ It's not like she hangs on to each man in her past, she has no other exes in her life. Would I be a good and understandin person if I decide to "let" her go on that vacation (which had been arranged before I entered her life) or will I be naive and stupid?

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8 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Why would you blindly trust anyone? I think it's kind of concerning -a little scary even -how you put the submissive/demanding comment.  Are you sure you really like her as a person or is this your ego just liking the thrill of the chase since she's been a wee bit out of your grasp? 

Trust is not about someone being all over you.  No connection, no relevance at all.  Trust is what is appropriate to the circumstances -for example you trust her to be honest with you about not having STDs and using protection during intercourse - because if you don't you wouldn't be having sex right? 

Understand she's telling you that even if she wants to end things in the future she "can't" because of her father.  That is one reason she shared this with you.  Not because she is not a good person -she is sharing the downsides of being with her.

I think it's entirely unreasonable for you to expect her to go on vacation where her ex is and keep things to a polite/impersonal level - if they're all away together of course she should be friendly with him and have what you refer to as "pointless chats" - it's very nice that she invited you . I'm a little surprised you declined.  

I'd keep the strange and illogical comments to yourself from now on - she didn't ask you -she is her own person, and she told you her standard is to prioritize her partner over her friends because she will live with a boyfriend - I find that kind of strange depending on the circumstances- that kind of broad reaching statement seems really odd to me -  but if someone said that to me I'd keep my opinions to myself.  

I just now read Andrina's comment and see that we agree on the father death reasoning - I like how she put it!  As far as the vacation the only way I would go on a vacation where my ex would be is if it was random -meaning we were attending the same huge work conference and then staying on for a few days after with separate groups of friends - so that sure I might run into him randomly at the huge resort or hotel but I wouldn't be on vacation "with him." 

She invited you so obviously she's not trying to win him back and I don't think being at the same place is inappropriate but know that you cannot then monitor how she's interacting with him - it's vacation, to have fun/be lighthearted and her boundaries with him cannot be simply polite -it would be awkward for the rest of the group too.  

Again -do you actually like and respect her as a person or is this a power trip for you?

That's why I am asking about trust - I don't know her yet and trust is built over time, right? But starting a relationship with such lies (or hiding truth) makes me be more cautious and I wonder if it's right to be like that (if it's reasonable) or if I should be more trustful and not so suspicious that people will hurt me? I am sure I like her as a person and the only thing that bothers me now is the ex's situation (although not so much like yesterday, for example). My comment was illustrating the power dynamics in that situation - nothing in life is 50/50, I suppose. Just human nature. My ego gets stroked in such situation and I think it's completely understandable. That doesn't mean I am an abuser and manipulator. I hate the complexity of the situation and I'd love things between us to progress - I am far from liking the thrill of the chase, this chase exhausts me. BTW she is progressively changing her behaviour (which I like) and that's what I want - she starts conversations often, asks me out, kisses me, hugs me, etc. The normal things two people who like each other should do when they let their inhibitions go away (I reciprocate, of course).

The connection between trust and her being all over me is that I now see that she is genuinely attracted to me and an ex in the picture will not be so much of a problem - she is actively choosing to be with me and she shows it with her actions (not words) so I can fill up my trust tank in that respect.

Is her inability to end things a downside of hers? This and the story with her father are not red flags to me - it was in the past and I can't know if she will always be like that. Otherwise I can rest assured that even if she's my girlfriend and don't want to be with me anymore, she won't leave me? I don't think so.

The summer vacation is a special case - they've booked the hotel a long ago and they are a group of friends. I don't expect her to avoid him there or something similar. I talked about the usual calling/textig - I'd like her to not do it if it's not necessary. I declined because I won't feel good meeting her friends (and the ex) yet. And I guess people will think me of a some guardian there to protect her. If I decide to trust her about that vacation (whatever discomfort that might cause me) - let it be. I may get hurt but it will be a lesson for me.

Which strange and illogical comments are you referring to? She didn't tell me about her standard, we were talking about the possibility that her group of friends (including the ex) doesn't like her boyfriend (it happened a year ago with a bf of hers that she had at the time) or he doesn't like them - which of the two she will prefer to keep in her life.

They are used to going on summer vacations together (which I still don't understand logically) so they book a hotel and go together (there is a bf/gf couple in the group, her, her ex and a single friend from the group).

I can't monitor what's going on at the vacation, of course. And I don't want to. I have to force myself to swallow this difficulty and trust her to not do anything inappropriate. And I will ask her that this vacation is the last one with the ex.

I like her and respect her but I have some trust issues which I want to find a way to deal with. What is a power trip?

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22 minutes ago, bbogdanov said:

Don't we all have emotional baggage? I am getting more confused. Before yesterday's date I was inclined to end things but her explanation somehow made me change my mind. Now I am wondering again 😕 It's not like she hangs on to each man in her past, she has no other exes in her life. Would I be a good and understandin person if I decide to "let" her go on that vacation (which had been arranged before I entered her life) or will I be naive and stupid?

We absolutely do all have emotional baggage especially at a later age with rare exception.  Just know she is telling you who she is -she is a person who "can't" (because that's not true, it's a choice on her part) leave a relationship even if it's not right. She is telling you it's because of her father.  She is letting you know she accepts that about herself and is not seeking to resolve those issues and be a person who does not behave that way.  

You don't know if she has other exes in her life or whether she will in the future. My ex came back into my life in a significant way almost 8 years after being 95% apart - even you would have been fine with our level of contact especially the first 6 years lol.  And now we're married.  I'm not saying she would run off with an ex I'm saying that if an ex reached out to her she is a person who would most likely respond with friendship even though he is an ex - meaning all else equal the fact that he is an ex would not affect her decision in pursuing a friendship (not that she'd necessarily want to be friends with all exes).

This is not about beating yourself up as naive and stupid.  You don't get to tell her who she can go on vacation with -there's no "letting her".  Ick.  So if I met someone and had a planned vacation -which is a lot of $$$ - where an ex would be since we had mutual friends -I still would go, strongly encourage my partner to come and if he couldn't I would have very specific boundaries in place and tell my partner  -meaning of course separate hotel rooms, no one on one hanging out in a date-like setting, etc.  If I could cancel without losing a lot of $$ and also without letting down a friend (meaning a girlfriend who I'd promised to share a room with and we were going to connect ,etc, as planned) then I would cancel and do something else.  But yes logistically it's tough. 

But she's not telling you she plans to have additional boundaries with an ex who will call her when he is drunk.  So -that is weird to me and crossing boundaries -if he knew she was dating someone

- I had an ex who wanted me back and was calling a lot when my future husband and I first started dating in the 1990s.  I had to tell him to stop calling because he wasn't being friendly -he wanted me back.  Huge difference.  These days - 25 years later -he'll email me via linked in.  He's married.  I don't think happily from some subtle comments he's made.  So here's what I do - every single email mentions his wife and/or family, every single email if not impersonal mentions my child and/or husband.  His wife is ill and I ask after her even though I've never met her (cancer).  I keep it that way, it's a couple of emails every year or so. 

Why don't I completely cut him off? He's a normal person now, he's married, it's just Linkedin, I like hearing about his second career and about his kids who are college bound.  No photos, no social media posts that I follow, etc.  It's very very boundary-laden and yes it would be fine if my husband knew (he doesn't know because it's so very rare, not a friendship, I'm sure he's had the same situation and not told me -no reason to tell him what's a big nothing).  

Not naive or stupid - you have your boundaries and you should stick to them and act consistently with them.  Again -do you like her as a person or is this a thrill of the chase/control thing?

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3 minutes ago, bbogdanov said:

And I will ask her that this vacation is the last one with the ex.

I like her and respect her but I have some trust issues which I want to find a way to deal with. What is a power trip?

No  - you can't ask that of her re the vacation.  That's way too controlling IMO unless you are serious for months and taking vacations together.

Power trip -you don't like her as much as you like the feeling of winning her over. You say the chase exhausts you but you keep score on how often she reaches out to you.  If things were naturally developing that level of focus wouldn't be there -you'd be focusing on the fun you're having, on the connection you're building not all these side issues about her ex, how long she takes to text you, etc. 

 I think trust happens over a long period of time -you trust appropriate to the circumstances- not guilty till proven innocent but not blind trust either.  

If you don't go on the vacation then accept that she will be hanging out with her friends.  Her ex is one of them.  And that if you even think about making her keep in touch with you while she's on vacation or seek reassurance that she's not hanging out with him inappropriately you can forget about building closeness.  And if she gives in to you checking up on her that's not too healthy either. Either you let her go or you don't.  Kind of like with my kid the other day -he's now been seeing people in person again - he is vaccinated, not all of them are.  And I decided -either Iet him go and have fun and be free without restrictions or not at all. Let her go  -let her initiate all contact and respond briefly -let her have 100% space from you- if she comes back to you after vacation cool. If she doesn't she never was for you in the first place.  

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15 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

We absolutely do all have emotional baggage especially at a later age with rare exception.  Just know she is telling you who she is -she is a person who "can't" (because that's not true, it's a choice on her part) leave a relationship even if it's not right. She is telling you it's because of her father.  She is letting you know she accepts that about herself and is not seeking to resolve those issues and be a person who does not behave that way.  

You don't know if she has other exes in her life or whether she will in the future. My ex came back into my life in a significant way almost 8 years after being 95% apart - even you would have been fine with our level of contact especially the first 6 years lol.  And now we're married.  I'm not saying she would run off with an ex I'm saying that if an ex reached out to her she is a person who would most likely respond with friendship even though he is an ex - meaning all else equal the fact that he is an ex would not affect her decision in pursuing a friendship (not that she'd necessarily want to be friends with all exes).

This is not about beating yourself up as naive and stupid.  You don't get to tell her who she can go on vacation with -there's no "letting her".  Ick.  So if I met someone and had a planned vacation -which is a lot of $$$ - where an ex would be since we had mutual friends -I still would go, strongly encourage my partner to come and if he couldn't I would have very specific boundaries in place and tell my partner  -meaning of course separate hotel rooms, no one on one hanging out in a date-like setting, etc.  If I could cancel without losing a lot of $$ and also without letting down a friend (meaning a girlfriend who I'd promised to share a room with and we were going to connect ,etc, as planned) then I would cancel and do something else.  But yes logistically it's tough. 

But she's not telling you she plans to have additional boundaries with an ex who will call her when he is drunk.  So -that is weird to me and crossing boundaries -if he knew she was dating someone

- I had an ex who wanted me back and was calling a lot when my future husband and I first started dating in the 1990s.  I had to tell him to stop calling because he wasn't being friendly -he wanted me back.  Huge difference.  These days - 25 years later -he'll email me via linked in.  He's married.  I don't think happily from some subtle comments he's made.  So here's what I do - every single email mentions his wife and/or family, every single email if not impersonal mentions my child and/or husband.  His wife is ill and I ask after her even though I've never met her (cancer).  I keep it that way, it's a couple of emails every year or so. 

Why don't I completely cut him off? He's a normal person now, he's married, it's just Linkedin, I like hearing about his second career and about his kids who are college bound.  No photos, no social media posts that I follow, etc.  It's very very boundary-laden and yes it would be fine if my husband knew (he doesn't know because it's so very rare, not a friendship, I'm sure he's had the same situation and not told me -no reason to tell him what's a big nothing).  

Not naive or stupid - you have your boundaries and you should stick to them and act consistently with them.  Again -do you like her as a person or is this a thrill of the chase/control thing?

I like her and I am not in it for the chase. I just want to enjoy this relationship but the ex thing is what bothers me most. I can't tell her that I won't "let" her go on the vacation - she asked me that question yesterday ("are you letting me go on the vacation"). And I told her I was not her master and she was free to do what she likes. She DID promise to minimize contact with the ex - I told her I'd like her to only get in touch with him (or let him do the same) if there's a specific need for that. Should I ask her again to confirm her intentions about doing it? Or should I monitor if she keeps her promise? He doesn't  know she's dating me, I think. I will tell her that I'd like her to tell him so he knows where the boundaries are.

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13 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

No  - you can't ask that of her re the vacation.  That's way too controlling IMO unless you are serious for months and taking vacations together.

Power trip -you don't like her as much as you like the feeling of winning her over. You say the chase exhausts you but you keep score on how often she reaches out to you.  If things were naturally developing that level of focus wouldn't be there -you'd be focusing on the fun you're having, on the connection you're building not all these side issues about her ex, how long she takes to text you, etc. 

 I think trust happens over a long period of time -you trust appropriate to the circumstances- not guilty till proven innocent but not blind trust either.  

If you don't go on the vacation then accept that she will be hanging out with her friends.  Her ex is one of them.  And that if you even think about making her keep in touch with you while she's on vacation or seek reassurance that she's not hanging out with him inappropriately you can forget about building closeness.  And if she gives in to you checking up on her that's not too healthy either. Either you let her go or you don't.  Kind of like with my kid the other day -he's now been seeing people in person again - he is vaccinated, not all of them are.  And I decided -either Iet him go and have fun and be free without restrictions or not at all. Let her go  -let her initiate all contact and respond briefly -let her have 100% space from you- if she comes back to you after vacation cool. If she doesn't she never was for you in the first place.  

No, I like her and I am not for the winning her over, definitely. But I really wanted her to not go on vacations with her ex anymore (if we are serious, I talk about the future). I leave work and will try to add some more info later or tomorrow because we have a date this evening.

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Posted (edited)
51 minutes ago, bbogdanov said:

I like her and I am not in it for the chase. I just want to enjoy this relationship but the ex thing is what bothers me most. I can't tell her that I won't "let" her go on the vacation - she asked me that question yesterday ("are you letting me go on the vacation"). And I told her I was not her master and she was free to do what she likes. She DID promise to minimize contact with the ex - I told her I'd like her to only get in touch with him (or let him do the same) if there's a specific need for that. Should I ask her again to confirm her intentions about doing it? Or should I monitor if she keeps her promise? He doesn't  know she's dating me, I think. I will tell her that I'd like her to tell him so he knows where the boundaries are.

I think you need to stay out of it completely. You had a long conversation where you learned pertinent information. Unless she has another vacation planned in the near future where he will be then leave it be.  

You’ve been dating a short time.  If you’re still together the next time she plans a vacation and she tells you he is included deal with it then. If you feel the need to monitor or talk to her anymore about her contact with her ex my strong recommendation is end it now.  Save you both the stress and aggravation and negative vibes.

if you believe she will minimize contact no need for her to tell him she just started dating someone new.  Just like she wouldn’t tell a random acquaintance. 
Either you trust what she told you or you don’t. If you do no comments no monitoring no checking up or looking at her phone.  If you don’t trust enough not to do those things end it now. 

Edited by Batya33
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32 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I think you need to stay out of it completely. You had a long conversation where you learned pertinent information. Unless she has another vacation planned in the near future where he will be then leave it be.  

You’ve been dating a short time.  If you’re still together the next time she plans a vacation and she tells you he is included deal with it then. If you feel the need to monitor or talk to her anymore about her contact with her ex my strong recommendation is end it now.  Save you both the stress and aggravation and negative vibes.

if you believe she will minimize contact no need for her to tell him she just started dating someone new.  Just like she wouldn’t tell a random acquaintance. 
Either you trust what she told you or you don’t. If you do no comments no monitoring no checking up or looking at her phone.  If you don’t trust enough not to do those things end it now. 

So I shouldn’t ask her if she intends to go on another vacation in the future with him? If I don’t know, how can I make a decision if it fits my needs? Isn’t it better to know early than when things get deeper?

I don’t feel the need to monitor her but I want her to keep her promise and tell him that she is dating somebody and it isn’t appropriate to call her late at night or text her mundane stuff. That’s what I’ll be comfortable with if the ex is in the picture, I think.

There is a difference between a random acquaintance and the ex - the latter is calling late when drunk, texting and bugging her and crossing a boundary given the fact that she’s dating somebody. So he has to know and conform. I can’t imagine calling and texting a female friend like that, let alone if she were an ex of mine… It’s absurd for me.

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9 minutes ago, bbogdanov said:

texting and bugging her and crossing a boundary given the fact that she’s dating somebody. So he has to know and conform.

He is not crossing a boundary because she hasn't set one. You said he has no idea she's dating you because she hasn't told him. Has she told him he's "bugging" her when he texts her? If not, how is he supposed to know not to text her? Has she said she will tell him she's dating you and to stop texting and calling her?

I personally would not be comfortable with someone I'm in an exclusive relationship with going on vacation with an ex, even if there are 3 other people present. I wouldn't bother telling them I will not "let" them go because I am not their parent and I don't "own" them. I would just choose to stop dating that person.

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OP, I would leave this woman if I were you. She’s shown you that she lies under pressure, entertains her ex with late night private calls and gives soppy excuses without taking ownership over her choices. This conflicts with your values and naturally made you lose any trust you had in her. 
 

Please honour your own boundaries, which are totally valid by the way, and realize that you cannot control another person or change them. People will pretend to act a certain way to keep you around if it suits them and continue to lie and hide. Any lies at the beginning of relationship are a red flag and should always been heeded. People don’t change and liars keep lying. You obviously don’t have peace  here and I suggest you move on. Find someone who shares your values and is on the same page about exes and exclusivity BEFORE getting into a relationship with them. Chalk this one up to a lesson. 

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24 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

He is not crossing a boundary because she hasn't set one. You said he has no idea she's dating you because she hasn't told him. Has she told him he's "bugging" her when he texts her? If not, how is he supposed to know not to text her? Has she said she will tell him she's dating you and to stop texting and calling her?

I personally would not be comfortable with someone I'm in an exclusive relationship with going on vacation with an ex, even if there are 3 other people present. I wouldn't bother telling them I will not "let" them go because I am not their parent and I don't "own" them. I would just choose to stop dating that person.

That’s what I want - that she tells him she’s dating somebody and to not bother her.

I told her the same (with different words) about the vacation. But I don’t want to stop dating her if I can deal with the issues that bother me. 

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27 minutes ago, Unsure2021 said:

OP, I would leave this woman if I were you. She’s shown you that she lies under pressure, entertains her ex with late night private calls and gives soppy excuses without taking ownership over her choices. This conflicts with your values and naturally made you lose any trust you had in her. 
 

Please honour your own boundaries, which are totally valid by the way, and realize that you cannot control another person or change them. People will pretend to act a certain way to keep you around if it suits them and continue to lie and hide. Any lies at the beginning of relationship are a red flag and should always been heeded. People don’t change and liars keep lying. You obviously don’t have peace  here and I suggest you move on. Find someone who shares your values and is on the same page about exes and exclusivity BEFORE getting into a relationship with them. Chalk this one up to a lesson. 

I really don’t want to lose this relationship. Isn’t it possible that she tells me the truth and there’s nothing to be afraid of?

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15 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Has she said she will do this?

Last night I told her that I’d like her to minimize contact with him (only if something’s really important) and she told me that she won’t communicate with him but I don’t know if she said it just for the moment and she was in a delicate state…

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Posted (edited)
7 minutes ago, bbogdanov said:

Last night I told her that I’d like her to minimize contact with him (only if something’s really important) and she told me that she won’t communicate with him but I don’t know if she said it just for the moment and she was in a delicate state…

That's your answer -without this basic level of trust in what she says I don't see the point in getting even more emotionally invested in this person even if the sex is good.

When I'd been dating my now husband the second time around -around two months by then -at dinner time he told me his ex who he'd recently ended things with had called him to tell him she missed him (she ended things).  He told me that he was telling me this because he replied to her that things were over (they were colleagues so they'd promised each other if things didn't work out they'd remain civil at the office, which they did).  He told me then -and also he didn't want to be with her because he loved me.  It never even occurred to me not to believe him 100%.  And they worked together. 

A few years later he asked me if he could have dinner with her -it was a business dinner and because of his work important for him to stay on good terms.  By then she was either married or close to it. I said yes.  Never occurred to me not to trust him to behave 100% appropriately.  I didn't ask him much at all and he told me it was a typical dinner, brief, etc.  No biggie.  If there hadn't been a professional reason I'd have said no (by then we were very serious, etc).  She was not a person to be trusted.  But he was.

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7 minutes ago, bbogdanov said:

Last night I told her that I’d like her to minimize contact with him (only if something’s really important) and she told me that she won’t communicate with him but I don’t know if she said it just for the moment and she was in a delicate state…

But did she say she would tell him she's dating you?

Did you two discuss dating exclusively?

BTW, my ex would triple down on the physical affection if he felt threatened (i.e., he thought I would leave him or he thought another man wanted me). It wasn't because he wanted me, but more that he didn't want me to not be available to him. It wasn't sincere, in other words.

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4 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Why would you blindly trust anyone?

Yes, the way that you operate is a little like an on/off switch. You went from being unable to trust that she might have friendship with her ex to being completely willing to understand it. There's more to this issue than simple insecurity.

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Oh my goodness.  I haven't read this whole thread but her telling her ex that she's dating someone else isn't something that should have to be negotiated.  If she wanted to do it, she'd do it.  She doesn't want to do it, probably because she's still playing footsies with the ex or at the very minimum loves the attention he gives her.   I would've bid her good day a long time ago.  This sounds like a bunch of nonsense.

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2 minutes ago, waffle said:

Oh my goodness.  I haven't read this whole thread but her telling her ex that she's dating someone else isn't something that should have to be negotiated.  If she wanted to do it, she'd do it.  She doesn't want to do it, probably because she's still playing footsies with the ex or at the very minimum loves the attention he gives her.   I would've bid her good day a long time ago.  This sounds like a bunch of nonsense.

Yes especially if he calls her drunk while she is out with you and she takes the call  - "I can't talk now and in fact I'm dating someone and we're out right now" - if she has to take the call in the first place that is.  

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55 minutes ago, bbogdanov said:

I really don’t want to lose this relationship. 

And I have never seen a person say this who didn't set themselves up for a relationship full of poor treatment and misery.  You know, the he/she who cares the most holds the least amount of power thing.  You might as well just tell her "please let me be your doormat and wipe your feet on me."

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Changing or disregarding your personal boundaries in an attempt to "keep" someone seldom goes well.

This could be why you (and anyone with this mindset) has had unhappy or unsatisfying relationships. You can't go against your own personal code and be happy.

You may believe it would hurt more to "lose" her but you would be more unhappy trying to force a relationship with someone who communicates regularly and goes away on vacations with their ex, an ex who she admittedly didn't want to break up with.

You can wait and see what happens next but try to put a guard on your feelings. The more attached to her you get the harder it will be to walk away.

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7 hours ago, bbogdanov said:

I talked about the usual calling/textig - I'd like her to not do it if it's not necessary.

 

4 hours ago, bbogdanov said:

Last night I told her that I’d like her to minimize contact with him (only if something’s really important)

 

5 hours ago, bbogdanov said:

it isn’t appropriate to call her late at night or text her mundane stuff. That’s what I’ll be comfortable with if the ex is in the picture, I think.

All of these are very vague rules. What's mundane and not necessary could be the polar opposite of what she perceives of these words. It's like trying to nail Jello to the wall, i.e., "Who's calling you?" She: "My ex. He's feeling down and lonely. Needs a friend to chat with. To boost his spirits."

Well, it's four p.m., not late at night. The subject isn't mundane.

She, to you: "You said you were okay with us being friends, under certain circumstances, which I'm following."

Is that the type of communication you're okay with? It's important. And in fact your rule about the conversation being about important things would be an even more of a  bonding thing for the both of them, because they will be discussing things of major significance to both. Do you see the ridiculousness of what you see as clearcut rules? 

And rules are often rebelled against, once the high of a new relationship wears off. Expect her to become resentful. Especially if you're the only reason her friendship dynamic with her "friend group" is being altered.

Look at how a person operates when you meet them, and if they have to change for you to be happy, realize it's not the right relationship for you.

And no, not everyone has emotional baggage because that's far different than having a past. Emotional baggage is dredging up bad things that happened in past relationships into new relationships. It's making a person who didn't do any crime pay for the crimes of people from the past.

My husband was cheated on by the only two longterm relationships he had before meeting me. Not once did I sense he mistrusted me when I went out with a girlfriend or to meet others in my hobby group. I mentioned this once to him, and he said I wasn't his exes and he trusted me. Read some articles on emotional baggage and how to get rid of it to understand that subject better.

Good luck.

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Andrina you make a good point.  You are right. Not everyone has emotional baggage. I shouldn’t have written that. We all have had emotionally upsetting experiences of some kind I suppose but you are right that it need not present as “baggage “ particularly in a romantic relationship. Thank you for pointing that out. 

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Posted (edited)

Hey, OP. 

I would advise to trust the apprehension you are feeling this time. It is apparent that you are feeling anxious because of her recent actions. I think that apprehension is understandable given the circumstances. Particularly, she took a call from her ex while she was on a date with you. Then, she at first lied about who it was before coming clean. Eventually, she revealed that she and her ex sometimes talk, and they hang out in the same group of friends. You were not ok with all of this (for cultural or personal reasons), and you didn't like that she lied. Afterward, it seemed like your talk about it with her made you feel better, but now you are unsure again. 

Your struggle to trust her is apparent - on this thread you've implied you don't fully trust that she told you her intentions honestly... you said you think it might have just been her saying something to placate you in a delicate situation. While trust is important, it is developed over time. You do not need to have 100% trust at this early stage (you are just getting to know her) - but it is very important to develop. Instead of developing trust she took a step backward with her lie. And that she's in contact with the ex is a red flag for you. I think you would be justified if you ended it now for your own safety.

That said, if you want to press forward, you can - cautiously. I'd advise answering these questions for yourself: (1) do you feel like you'll eventually be able to trust her, (2) if so, how can you both act in order to build that trust/the relationship, and (3) what, at a basic level, are you willing to accept with regard to the ex-boyfriend?

Trust and follow your feelings, OP. Do not dismiss them. Your concerns / standards here are reasonable. 

Hope this helps.

Edited by Pleasedonot5
Accidental post - now edited.
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Posted (edited)

Avoid conversations if you feel it's not the appropriate time or place. I'm talking about your after-sex convo and the anxiety afterwards not knowing what to believe. You realize you're creating this drama and greater insecurity or manufacturing this, further clouding your decisions? Try to limit that.

Treat the situation as is about her and the facts presented to you. 

A lot of people don't ascribe to exes as friends so no, you are not alone in that as is evidenced by others in this thread.

The phone call and her interactions with her ex would be red flags and enough for me to have ended it right there and then. I don't think she's a terrible person but she has a lot to learn.

 

Edited by Rose Mosse
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