Jump to content

Insecurity while dating a girl brings out the worst in me


bbogdanov
 Share

Recommended Posts

6 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Oh I see -yes I would if I was still interested and available and depending on why.  But my assuming there is no date unless and until one is planned has nothing to do with this.  Sort of an example - when my future husband and I started dating again (we'd been serious in the past) - we didn't start out dating.  We met up for two platonic get togethers.  One was dinner and the next, that weekend I think - 6 days later? Was dinner and theater.  Platonic and I didn't think it was supposed to be a date/wasn't sure.  But I was interested.  I think on that second meeting I brought him some homemade chocolate chip cookies so we emailed about that the next day.  But no plans to see each other again and I knew he'd be going out of town a month later then going back to the city he then lived in after that.  He then didn't contact me to get together the following weekend.  Maybe we emailed once that week about an actor who had a scandal who he'd seen before.  

I acted out of character - and since we weren't dating and I'd known him for over 10 years I emailed him again with some lame excuse for emailing.  Then he called and asked to get together -meaning two weeks from our last meeting.  That night was when he asked if we could get back together.  I never asked him why he went MIA for that long but gleaned from some things he said that he was thinking about whether/when to ask me, if he should, and also he was I think tying up loose ends with an ex plus working his behind off. He never mentioned that I'd contacted him at least twice before he asked me out. It was a non-issue.

We've been together now 16 years total and I still never asked him.  But it was really really hard waiting that out, wondering if he'd ask me out despite knowing he was going back to his city a plane ride away, etc.  I'm so glad I waited, so glad I never told him I was worried and so glad I never asked him what took him so long.  I vented to my friends, to my mother, lol.  (And no social media presence, no mutual friends, no way of figuring it out).  

So I relate to how hard it is to wait, to be patient, to not react to those insecure feelings when you're really into someone.  

Thanks, that was a fascinating story! Waiting is hard, indeed. But we have some progress - she texted me out of the blue last night saying that she would tell me how soccer team X has won against team Y (there is an european championship at the moment) when we get together and she doesn't even watch soccer (I think I've mentioned my interest about it on one of the dates). I couldn't help myself but to ask her when she's free to meet up and I hope we can arrange another date now.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Just now, bbogdanov said:

I couldn't help myself but to ask her when she's free to meet up and I hope we can arrange another date now.

Good! If she declines or isn't interested in meeting up with you, this person isn't interested in dating you. I hope you both get to catch up soon in person.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

2 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

Good! If she declines or isn't interested in meeting up with you, this person isn't interested in dating you. I hope you both get to catch up soon in person.

Fingers crossed! I thought that her saying "when we get together" was a green light but you never know with women? :D 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

8 minutes ago, bbogdanov said:

Fingers crossed! I thought that her saying "when we get together" was a green light but you never know with women? :D 

It could just be her too. Not women in general. Try not to generalize across as you could taint the way you think or perceive women, adding to your anxiety. Keep it focused on that person you're seeing. If you find she's not your cup of tea it won't be the end of the world. She does sound friendly though and I would interpret that as interest in seeing you again. Follow your instincts like you already are. 

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

10 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

It could just be her too. Not women in general. Try not to generalize across as you could taint the way you think or perceive women, adding to your anxiety. Keep it focused on that person you're seeing. If you find she's not your cup of tea it won't be the end of the world. She does sound friendly though and I would interpret that as interest in seeing you again. Follow your instincts like you already are. 

Just joking, don't want to insult anybody : ) I really tend to generalize women sometimes as the more emotional and incomprehensible species (at least for me). But I like them and I am not a woman hater : ) 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I prefer an affectionate guy who is not afraid to show his interest in me. There's definitely a way to be attentive without being overbearing. You probably already know how to do this, but your anxiety is getting ahead of you. 

3 hours ago, bbogdanov said:

I really tend to generalize women sometimes as the more emotional and incomprehensible species (at least for me)

You gotta stop doing this. It's annoying to women. It's annoying to people, actually. Nobody likes this.

  • Like 3
Link to comment
Share on other sites

6 minutes ago, Jibralta said:

I prefer an affectionate guy who is not afraid to show his interest in me. There's definitely a way to be attentive without being overbearing. You probably already know how to do this, but your anxiety is getting ahead of you. 

You gotta stop doing this. It's annoying to women. It's annoying to people, actually. Nobody likes this.

I can be affectionate (and I am) but I need more reciprocation (at least how I understand it to be). Otherwise I feel like I am too vulnerable and I close myself off.

My generalizations are not necessarily bad ones (while generalizations usually are not a good thing). I still think most women are more emotionally driven, which is not a good or a bad thing. And understanding them is something I am not good at, as you can see.

The last thing is confirmed, I think, by the unfolding of events - my last message with a question of her availability for a date hangs unseen although she's been online couple of times today. I just cannot think of a plausible reason to justify such a behaviour other than "she's just how she is". It is up to me, then, to decide if I can stomach it (and do I have to) or not.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

7 minutes ago, bbogdanov said:

My generalizations are not necessarily bad ones (while generalizations usually are not a good thing). I still think most women are more emotionally driven, which is not a good or a bad thing. And understanding them is something I am not good at, as you can see.

Unfortunately, you're not fooling anyone but yourself. The not-so-subtle message that you're trying to communicate is that you are poised and logical. But anyone with half a brain knows that you've just built yourself up by belittling your fellow human beings. It is an emotional reaction to your own deep sense of insecurity, and saying things like this to intelligent people is anything but poised and logical. 

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

5 hours ago, bbogdanov said:

but you never know with women? :D 

 

44 minutes ago, bbogdanov said:

I still think most women are more emotionally driven,

 

45 minutes ago, bbogdanov said:

understanding them is something I am not good at, as you can see.

Women aren't aliens, OP!  

But, anxiety is very alienating.  Try not to second guess what another person (man or woman) might be intending, thinking or wishing. 

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

2 minutes ago, LaHermes said:

 

 

Women aren't aliens, OP!  

But, anxiety is very alienating.  Try not to second guess what another person (man or woman) might be intending, thinking or wishing. 

Of course they aren't! I just have a hard time understanding : )

Link to comment
Share on other sites

6 hours ago, bbogdanov said:

Thanks, that was a fascinating story! Waiting is hard, indeed. But we have some progress - she texted me out of the blue last night saying that she would tell me how soccer team X has won against team Y (there is an european championship at the moment) when we get together and she doesn't even watch soccer (I think I've mentioned my interest about it on one of the dates). I couldn't help myself but to ask her when she's free to meet up and I hope we can arrange another date now.

I would not ask when she's free- ask her for a specific day and have a plan in mind then of course tell her if she can't make it that time to let you know when she is free.  The story I told you above- when he called me he asked me out for Saturday night two weeks in advance since he was going out of town.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

34 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I would not ask when she's free- ask her for a specific day and have a plan in mind then of course tell her if she can't make it that time to let you know when she is free.  The story I told you above- when he called me he asked me out for Saturday night two weeks in advance since he was going out of town.

I decided to delete my message because it seems to be not my type of communication. I guess it boils down to compatibility.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Yeah, you don't seem to be able to allow yourself to enjoy this dating experience.  Your agonizing anxiety is obvious.  Even when she does text you it sends you into another anxious spiral of rumination.

And that's not the fault of "women".  Your anxiety is yours.

I suggest keeping your options open and stay busy. That way you're not watching your phone waiting for this one particular woman to read and respond to your texts or for her to send you one.

  • Like 3
Link to comment
Share on other sites

1 hour ago, boltnrun said:

Yeah, you don't seem to be able to allow yourself to enjoy this dating experience.  Your agonizing anxiety is obvious.  Even when she does text you it sends you into another anxious spiral of rumination.

And that's not the fault of "women".  Your anxiety is yours.

I suggest keeping your options open and stay busy. That way you're not watching your phone waiting for this one particular woman to read and respond to your texts or for her to send you one.

I can enjoy dating experience which shows enough reciprocation (according to my criteria about that).

And I have never said that anything was a woman’s fault. I just don’t like the communication style of this particular girl. Honestly, I’ve never met a woman like that (and I’ve had several LTRs and a few dozen dates with different girls).

BTW she messaged me and invited me to the movies. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I'm not sure what you mean by emotional versus logical. All of dating is largely touch and go and quite emotional, such as the display of your emotions here on this thread also and anxieties. Those are all feelings from human beings similar to you. The next person might not have any idea why you're so worried at all or emotional about this experience so it goes both ways. The evaluation isn't very logical overall or it's more contradictory than logical as you too seem quite emotional.

Good luck at the movies and have fun! See? Just a matter of patience and timing. 

 

 

 

 

 

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

1 hour ago, bbogdanov said:

BTW she messaged me and invited me to the movies. 

So it appears she messages when she has something concrete to say, such as to ask you out.

Are you still insistent you "need" "How are you?" texts?  Or can you be satisfied with someone who doesn't text to tell you she's thinking about you every day but DOES text you to ask you out?  She obviously was thinking about you, she just didn't see the need to send you an inane text telling you so.

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

2 hours ago, Rose Mosse said:

I'm not sure what you mean by emotional versus logical. All of dating is largely touch and go and quite emotional, such as the display of your emotions here on this thread also and anxieties. Those are all feelings from human beings similar to you. The next person might not have any idea why you're so worried at all or emotional about this experience so it goes both ways. The evaluation isn't very logical overall or it's more contradictory than logical as you too seem quite emotional.

Good luck at the movies and have fun! See? Just a matter of patience and timing. 

 

 

 

 

 

Thank you!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

1 hour ago, boltnrun said:

So it appears she messages when she has something concrete to say, such as to ask you out.

Are you still insistent you "need" "How are you?" texts?  Or can you be satisfied with someone who doesn't text to tell you she's thinking about you every day but DOES text you to ask you out?  She obviously was thinking about you, she just didn't see the need to send you an inane text telling you so.

Not exactly but we got to the point. I mean she initiated texting with some simple stuff (heavy texting, like never before) and eventually asked for a get together. Deleting the message can have played a role here.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

We went to the movies yesterday. After that we sat in a restaurant and talked a lot.

She was curious to know why I had removed my message the previous day. I told her that we had different communication styles and we didn’t match (in that area). Also I explained to her that I felt stupid and not comfortable and my offer for going out had had expired. I’d decided to not text her anymore after that and she admitted that she’d felt that there was something like that. She told me that she was tired of messaging with men (because of previous relationships and dating experiences) but I am usually texting her mostly when arranging dates. So I told her that I didn’t find her not even opening my message a nice thing (given the fact that she’d been online multiple times) and I am not used to such behaviour. I repeatedly said, though, that there wasn’t a guilty or faulty person in that situation because we are individuals and we just didn’t match. I think she seemed a little bit upset about that and told me that it wasn’t so important thing so we left it at that. The dinner was great overall and we were kissing and hugging. I arranged a date at her place for this evening and we’ll see where it goes.

The strange thing is that I still feel down and sad after every date. I am perplexed because I’ve never felt like that when dating - I am happy that things seem to progress and I am sad at the same time because I feel insecure.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

On 6/24/2021 at 11:51 AM, bbogdanov said:

I can enjoy dating experience which shows enough reciprocation (according to my criteria about that).

And I have never said that anything was a woman’s fault. I just don’t like the communication style of this particular girl. Honestly, I’ve never met a woman like that (and I’ve had several LTRs and a few dozen dates with different girls).

BTW she messaged me and invited me to the movies. 

Well, none of your past relationships spelled forever, did they? So obviously the styles of texting were irrelevant. After you making all the effort at the beginning, it's great that she has now reciprocated with asking you out. If the momentum continues with each of you putting forth effort in get togethers, you might see that the good outweighs what you see as bad (texting). And when you feel more comfortable she sees you as longterm and you two take it to the next level, that you relax about the texting.

Think about what's really important: faithfulness, kindness, matching life goals. Those are must haves. For other minor stuff, you have to let those things go. Just like as it irks me that my husband absolutely refuses to wear a belt and sometimes his crack shows, LOL. And I hate the way he drives. His good points outweigh the minor BS. I'm no picnic in certain areas either, but am certainly a great partner.

Good luck.

Edited by Andrina
  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

2 minutes ago, bbogdanov said:

We went to the movies yesterday. After that we sat in a restaurant and talked a lot.

She was curious to know why I had removed my message the previous day. I told her that we had different communication styles and we didn’t match (in that area). Also I explained to her that I felt stupid and not comfortable and my offer for going out had had expired. I’d decided to not text her anymore after that and she admitted that she’d felt that there was something like that. She told me that she was tired of messaging with men (because of previous relationships and dating experiences) but I am usually texting her mostly when arranging dates. So I told her that I didn’t find her not even opening my message a nice thing (given the fact that she’d been online multiple times) and I am not used to such behaviour. I repeatedly said, though, that there wasn’t a guilty or faulty person in that situation because we are individuals and we just didn’t match. I think she seemed a little bit upset about that and told me that it wasn’t so important thing so we left it at that. The dinner was great overall and we were kissing and hugging. I arranged a date at her place for this evening and we’ll see where it goes.

The strange thing is that I still feel down and sad after every date. I am perplexed because I’ve never felt like that when dating - I am happy that things seem to progress and I am sad at the same time because I feel insecure.

So,  I would feel sad too.  That sounds like a real downer - to have that long a conversation about communication styles about how you each choose to type words on a screen.  I really don't get it -and why you repeatedly had to mention guilt or fault.  How long have you been dating? Wasn't this the date after she returned from vacation?? Please please please let this small and petty stuff go or vent to a therapist or in a private journal.  This reminds me of a date I once had -guy told me he'd been laid off and it sounded more like fired. So I chose not to follow up on it, not to pry.  Because -early date, have fun, try to stick to what is light and easy breezy. 

At the end of the dinner he criticized me for how dare I not ask him about how it felt to be fired. I tried to explain my thinking but you know what -he was just ready to find fault.  Darned if you do, darned if you don't.  Then I saw him one more time, he said he spotted me dancing with another guy at a singles event and went out and got drunk.  Ironically (no we were not exclusive) I was dancing with a platonic guy friend I'd dated in the past as a fun way to make his ex -who was there- jealous.

Please please cut down on the heavy talk about communication styles - she feels chastised and criticized I bet no matter how many times you told her all about your guilt/fault analysis. Please lighten up.  

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Restore formatting

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

 Share


×
×
  • Create New...