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Insecurity while dating a girl brings out the worst in me


bbogdanov
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3 hours ago, Batya33 said:
6 hours ago, Jibralta said:

I think she means that you react before you think.

Not really -

Oh, ok. Well, I think you (bbogdanov) react before you think.

4 hours ago, bbogdanov said:

Ah, I see. Does it mean that I'm like that in every situation or was it only about the living together and trust issues?

No, it definitely doesn't mean that you're like that in every situation. There are just certain situations that trigger you. I think living together triggered you, and perhaps trust issues trigger you as well.

4 hours ago, bbogdanov said:

I try to not act upon my feelings but it doesn't work every time. 

Right. It happens to all of us one time or another. When people get triggered like this, we temporarily lose our usual sense of perspective about whatever situation we are in. So, we typically overreact or underreact.

Sometimes, we realize that our reaction was inappropriate while the situation is happening. Sometimes we realize afterwards. And sometimes, we never realize it. Not being aware is the worst, because the reaction can't be changed. I'm sure you can think of a person (or people) who fit into one or more of these categories. 

4 hours ago, bbogdanov said:

It's a conscious effort and I may be not so good at it but there's a progress in our relationship so I guess I am doing more things right than wrong?

You can get better at it over time, if you remain aware and consistently make an effort to moderate your response. Therapy also helps. Eventually, the triggers can fade. 

Yes, it seems that now, you are doing more things right than wrong. 

4 hours ago, bbogdanov said:

Or she may be patient enough?

She may be patient, or she may not even be aware. Sometimes people have compatible personality traits, and share similar triggers. So, there's an automatic simpatico (that's not always healthy, by the way).

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17 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Not really - I mean that his feelings of security don't match the objective progression he sees - and this is either because he needs counseling and/or because beneath the surface what seems to be really isn't, or the progression hasn't been long enough yet since this is a new relationship.

Yeah, the mismatch between my insecurity and the progression I see is the problem here, I suppose. I guess I need counceling (I will arrange it) and I think if sufficient amount of time has passed, I may become more calm and collected.

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17 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Sorry.  There's no trying.  Just doing and not doing.  Either you choose to react, or react a certain way, or you don't.  For example when I feel myself getting frustrated with my son I already have an arsenal of tools in reaction choices -because I work on that in advance.  For me those tools include:  walking away/putting in headphones sometimes, washing my hands and noticing the bubbles, stretching out the fingers on my hand or placing them on a flat surface to redirect energy, telling my son "I am feeling frustrated and I cannot be with your right now if you continue to ____".  Sometimes I do 4-7-8 breathing. 

I was terrified last week as we drove through a blinding rain and hail storm.  But my son could see me sitting next to him in the back and I knew I had to stay calm for him.  I had to.  Not "trying" - I wanted to freak out, cry, shake, etc but he needed me to be his rock. So did my husband who was driving -he needed silence, calm, to focus.

  So I went to my arsenal of tools and chose 4-7-8 breathing and we held hands ,but calmly so he couldn't feel how terrified I was.  No trying because it was the moment where I had to show him I wasn't going to freak out and give in to the terrifying situation.  It worked.  It was really hard but it worked.  Because I had my arsenal of tools ready to choose a reaction.

 I don't give myself "well I tried not to yell/raise my voice but it just got too hard'.  Nope.  Doing or not doing.  But you have to have the tools/mantras ready in advance that you go to right away.

That's why I said that I was trying. I don't always have the strength or the tools to manage such situations. But I have the goodwill :D 

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13 hours ago, Jibralta said:

Oh, ok. Well, I think you (bbogdanov) react before you think.

No, it definitely doesn't mean that you're like that in every situation. There are just certain situations that trigger you. I think living together triggered you, and perhaps trust issues trigger you as well.

Right. It happens to all of us one time or another. When people get triggered like this, we temporarily lose our usual sense of perspective about whatever situation we are in. So, we typically overreact or underreact.

Sometimes, we realize that our reaction was inappropriate while the situation is happening. Sometimes we realize afterwards. And sometimes, we never realize it. Not being aware is the worst, because the reaction can't be changed. I'm sure you can think of a person (or people) who fit into one or more of these categories. 

You can get better at it over time, if you remain aware and consistently make an effort to moderate your response. Therapy also helps. Eventually, the triggers can fade. 

Yes, it seems that now, you are doing more things right than wrong. 

She may be patient, or she may not even be aware. Sometimes people have compatible personality traits, and share similar triggers. So, there's an automatic simpatico (that's not always healthy, by the way).

Thanks! Very insightful! Usually I don't have trust issues but that thing with the ex made me be on my guard for a while. I do have instances of overreacting sometimes... Therapy will definitely be of help to me.

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