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Insecurity while dating a girl brings out the worst in me


bbogdanov
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OP. I am not "forcing" anything on you, nor have I any hostility towards you. In fact I feel rather sorry for you. 

I wonder why you are asking for advice (and yes, this IS an advice forum) and then you refuse to take on board ANY of the advice offered here, by ANY of the posters.  You do realise that posters do not just say anything off the top of their heads, and neither do I.  Posters give of their good time to write well thought out replies, suggestions and ideas.  You do realise (if your grandeur allows it and I do recall you once admitting to having a big ego) that everyone on here has their vulnerabilities too. Posters are giving good advice based on their life experiences.  

You may not like what you hear (because it doesn't suit you to hear it) but at the very least do try to acknowledge the extent that posters have been trying to help you over a few hundred posts. 

As DF sagely pointed out to you early on in this thread:

"The point of dating isn't to guess what she is thinking or to manipulate a woman into being with you, but rather for YOU to observe and see IF this woman is the right match or not and proceed accordingly."

And re your attitude, this is Figureitout back in 2018:

"I think based on your flippant attitude to responders saying things you don’t want to hear, combined with your tendency to be quick to anger, your need to be respected and controlling and the dating history mentioned by bolt, that you very well may be at risk of being abusive in your actual relationships, if you were to ever get to that point.

The reason I say that isn’t to be mean or to sabotage you but B.B, You can’t change what you don’t acknowledge!"

Try a little humility if you truly want to change, OP.

 

Edited by LaHermes
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3 hours ago, bbogdanov said:

I didn't push the issue, please read my previous posts about it before jumping to conclusions.

You're the one who suggested she stay with you. She said it was too inconvenient. 

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It's totally fine to go with the flow if both of you are happy to invest lots of time together and get attached most likely and only find out about potential incompatibilities/dealbreakers randomly or by happenstance.  Most typically -with rare exception -that works well with casual dating relationships because even if they last a long time neither person cares if there are major dealbreakers/incompatibilities which would cast doubt on a future serious relationship -because that's not the goal.  I don't think it works well with people who are serious-minded unless like I wrote each person places a low value on the amount of time invested, opportunities to meet others then blocked, and the emotional attachment. 

Most people I know highly value their time - they often don't have tons of time to devote to building a close relationship - highly value their emotions/being careful not to invest their hearts in a way too risky way, and highly value being able to meet a better match if the current person has major dealbreakers -whether a values thing or external circumstances.  

So much of what you've written is completely inconsistent with being a go with the flow person.  You wanted her to text you in a certain timing/schedule, you wanted her to behave in a very specific way with exes, you want her to accommodate your preferences as to living with you in your home for a long period of time -or she can leave.  Going with the flow much?

(I like to go with the flow within a foundation that includes security, stability, structure and common goals -because both can coexist in a lovely way).

Edited by Batya33
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1 hour ago, LaHermes said:

OP. I am not "forcing" anything on you, nor have I any hostility towards you. In fact I feel rather sorry for you. 

I wonder why you are asking for advice (and yes, this IS an advice forum) and then you refuse to take on board ANY of the advice offered here, by ANY of the posters.  You do realise that posters do not just say anything off the top of their heads, and neither do I.  Posters give of their good time to write well thought out replies, suggestions and ideas.  You do realise (if your grandeur allows it and I do recall you once admitting to having a big ego) that everyone on here has their vulnerabilities too. Posters are giving good advice based on their life experiences.  

You may not like what you hear (because it doesn't suit you to hear it) but at the very least do try to acknowledge the extent that posters have been trying to help you over a few hundred posts. 

As DF sagely pointed out to you early on in this thread:

"The point of dating isn't to guess what she is thinking or to manipulate a woman into being with you, but rather for YOU to observe and see IF this woman is the right match or not and proceed accordingly."

And re your attitude, this is Figureitout back in 2018:

"I think based on your flippant attitude to responders saying things you don’t want to hear, combined with your tendency to be quick to anger, your need to be respected and controlling and the dating history mentioned by bolt, that you very well may be at risk of being abusive in your actual relationships, if you were to ever get to that point.

The reason I say that isn’t to be mean or to sabotage you but B.B, You can’t change what you don’t acknowledge!"

Try a little humility if you truly want to change, OP.

 

You are forcing me to accept that I fear to declare my dealbreakers and it’s just not true. You state it from the judge position like it’s the truth and there isn’t another possibility.

I am asking for advice and I appreciate all of it. I just don’t want false things to be presented. I have shared all my flaws that I am aware of (and some posters have found additional ones) so I don’t avoid admitting the many ways in which I am faulty.

I have acknowledged the help from all posters many times in this thread. The only things that don’t suit me to hear are incorrect things. Simple as that.

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1 hour ago, Jibralta said:

You're the one who suggested she stay with you. She said it was too inconvenient. 

I suggested that she could visit me more often or stay with me. That is not pushing the issue, I said it only once, it’s not like I persuaded her.

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1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

It's totally fine to go with the flow if both of you are happy to invest lots of time together and get attached most likely and only find out about potential incompatibilities/dealbreakers randomly or by happenstance.  Most typically -with rare exception -that works well with casual dating relationships because even if they last a long time neither person cares if there are major dealbreakers/incompatibilities which would cast doubt on a future serious relationship -because that's not the goal.  I don't think it works well with people who are serious-minded unless like I wrote each person places a low value on the amount of time invested, opportunities to meet others then blocked, and the emotional attachment. 

Most people I know highly value their time - they often don't have tons of time to devote to building a close relationship - highly value their emotions/being careful not to invest their hearts in a way too risky way, and highly value being able to meet a better match if the current person has major dealbreakers -whether a values thing or external circumstances.  

So much of what you've written is completely inconsistent with being a go with the flow person.  You wanted her to text you in a certain timing/schedule, you wanted her to behave in a very specific way with exes, you want her to accommodate your preferences as to living with you in your home for a long period of time -or she can leave.  Going with the flow much?

(I like to go with the flow within a foundation that includes security, stability, structure and common goals -because both can coexist in a lovely way).

Yeah, I don’t have problem with investing some time to get to know her.

Nowhere have I said that I was “going with the flow” person (I don’t know where all those generalizations come from??). I said I preferred going with the flow when I was talking about discussing dealbreakers like it was some contract. 

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2 hours ago, bbogdanov said:

Yeah, I don’t have problem with investing some time to get to know her.

Nowhere have I said that I was “going with the flow” person (I don’t know where all those generalizations come from??). I said I preferred going with the flow when I was talking about discussing dealbreakers like it was some contract. 

Who said anything about talking about it as if it were a contract (other than you).  You’re the person who made her promise not to be in further contact with her ex other than vacation.  There’s a huge range between passively going along without making sure you’re with a person who is compatible with your basic values and goals and making it like some sort of rigid interview.
 I see that your MO is to reject input by overlaying it with the extremes.  Nope.  Doesn’t fool me.  But you may be fooling yourself. 

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3 hours ago, bbogdanov said:

I suggested that she could visit me more often or stay with me. That is not pushing the issue, I said it only once, it’s not like I persuaded her.

At first you suggested it. But when she said it would be inconvenient for her, you responded by saying that you had "opposite opinions," and that "some problems couldn't be solved." At that point, it stopped being a suggestion. That's you pushing the issue. It's passive aggressive way of doing it, but it's still pushing the issue.

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4 hours ago, bbogdanov said:

You are forcing me to accept that I fear to declare my dealbreakers and it’s just not true.

Just like your girlfriend was forcing you to move out of your apartment before your lease was up? 

Come on. You're losing more and more ground here. Nobody is forcing you to do anything. Why do you feel like you're losing control when someone says something that you don't like? Why can't other people have their own opinions about you?

Edited by Jibralta
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8 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Who said anything about talking about it as if it were a contract (other than you).  You’re the person who made her promise not to be in further contact with her ex other than vacation.  There’s a huge range between passively going along without making sure you’re with a person who is compatible with your basic values and goals and making it like some sort of rigid interview.
 I see that your MO is to reject input by overlaying it with the extremes.  Nope.  Doesn’t fool me.  But you may be fooling yourself. 

Nobody has said anything about a contract. You described your method of discussing dealbreakers and to me - it's like a contract. It's artificial, strange and unacceptable to me. I won't ever do it like that. And that's my opinion. It is subjective and it's not the Gospel - just like your opinion of me being rejecting input and fooling myself but not you. Feel free to use this judge frame again, it won't become more or less true.

And we still didn't learn where have I said that I was “going with the flow” person? Let's not skip important questions because that puts some label on me.

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7 hours ago, Jibralta said:

At first you suggested it. But when she said it would be inconvenient for her, you responded by saying that you had "opposite opinions," and that "some problems couldn't be solved." At that point, it stopped being a suggestion. That's you pushing the issue. It's passive aggressive way of doing it, but it's still pushing the issue.

There's a subtle fact here that you may miss (or I may have not written it). The sequence of events was not exactly like that. She pointed out that we could "come up with something" (when she said it would be inconvenient for her) so that's when I said that "some problems just can't be solved". Because:

- she'd said that she hated travelling to work for hours (= her living in my place won't work for her)

- she'd hinted she would like for us to live in her neighbourhood (= me moving out won't work for me)

So there just weren't any options left. I said that some problems couldn't be solved because I got sad. It was passive, but not aggressive. I said it because I felt powerless and wanted to vent. Not to coerce her into doing something that she didn't want to. Quite the contrary - when she said that people find solutions and make compromises, I agreed, of course, but I said that compromises had to be made consciously and one has to be content with such decision. Otherwise it won't be healthy for any of the partners. So if she was really against travelling couple of hours to work and I was against moving out, making a compromise wouldn't do us any good. I prefer breaking up to one of us compromising something he/she is not fully comfortable with. After all, not all people can be together and sometimes even seemingly mundane subjects can be obstacles.

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7 hours ago, Jibralta said:

Just like your girlfriend was forcing you to move out of your apartment before your lease was up? 

Come on. You're losing more and more ground here. Nobody is forcing you to do anything. Why do you feel like you're losing control when someone says something that you don't like? Why can't other people have their own opinions about you?

Whataboutism a little bit?

"Come on. You're losing more and more ground here" - Why would you say that? It seems condescending to me. I will share some information that can be of benefit https://thepowermoves.com/the-judge-role-in-power-dynamics/ . I have no problem with people's opinions about me. I have problem when facts are twisted and labels are placed. But then again, it's my problem.

"Why do you feel like you're losing control when someone says something that you don't like?" - I don't.

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3 hours ago, bbogdanov said:

Why would you say that?

I've been trying not to actually, and I'm sorry that I let that slip out. I've seen numerous others tell you that already, so I know that doing so just causes you to twist yourself around more. I don't know what to tell you. Your mentality is like a gordian knot. I think it's just your nature.

Edited by Jibralta
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29 minutes ago, Jibralta said:

I've been trying not to actually, and I'm sorry that I let that slip out. I've seen numerous others tell you that already, so I know that doing so just causes you to twist yourself around more. I don't know what to tell you. Your mentality is like a gordian knot. I think it's just your nature.

I appreciate all the help here, like I've said. I just felt bad that the discussion went sideways and it seems it's become not a discussion of equals but somehow patronizing. Of course posters are supposed to know something more than me in a particular area (that's why I seek for advice here) but I don't feel good being labelled. And that's what I don't like to hear. Not some truths that are supposed to be obvious and that I admit (like that I am insecure, sometimes rigid, etc.) but pure insinuations that are not true according to me (like the one with the "fear" of discussing dealbreakers or the one that labelled me as "go with the flow" person, for example). Saying "I think you might have fear of discussing dealbreakers, dig deeper and see if this is a plausible explanation" is one thing but outright declaring "you fear discussing dealbreakers" forces a judge frame upon me where I am the judged and have to "defend" myself (which is not a good strategy, I admit, I am still learning how to deal with frames). I too have sometimes been irritable in the topic and I guess I may have provoked some posters to lose control and to let some things slip out. But it's an interaction with all of its positive and negative features and to me - there isn't a bad blood between us. I will try to concentrate on facts and present only specific situations which I need help with.

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6 hours ago, bbogdanov said:

- she'd hinted she would like for us to live in her neighbourhood (= me moving out won't work for me)

But see that's where you get stuck in a tautology - you're defining your standard "if I'm not fully comfortable with it that means it's no longer an option, and if the only option is one I'm not comfortable with -as I define it - then logically we lack common ground"

But you're missing the non-circular piece.  The person who reevaluates whether there's room for compromise, or if it's truly not an option.  The person who thinks outside the box, perhaps lets things gel and .... wah lah - all of a sudden there are options.  Maybe even more than one!  Some things for sure are dealbreakers - like no brainer dealbreakers - no need to let things gel.  But most are not.  I am Type A and married to a Type B.  I am 110% sure I would not be married and have my beyond adorable/hands-full 12 year old handsome, funny intelligent boy and my partner in crime husband if I'd taken your circular approach "hmm let's see I'm not fully comfortable so cross that one off the list".

"Fully comfortable" is often a really hard standard to reach in every single facet of life including living space. and convenience.

I'll give you a few quick examples.

Rollercoasters are dealbreakers for me.  Or most fast/spinning rides.

Not being able to work out for the brief period of time I do daily is darn close to being a dealbreaker for me.  I am nowhere near comfortable in my head or body if I don't get in my workout.  But I've tried my best to bend for certain situations -like travel which I find so important for my son, or like working out in really uncomfortable circumstances like at 4:30am or in really bad weather.

Only having the option of eating deep fried food and/or in a place that isn't clean to my higher standards than my husband is darn close to being a dealbreaker.  I am not fully comfortable sitting in certain restaurants, waiting too long to eat (hangry) or where the only options are deep fried foods.  So because I'm not fully comfortable it means we can't go? Of course not. 

So I've packed a nonperishable meal for myself that's not my favorite at all but it's nourishment, I've left the restaurant and gone to a gas station convenience store and bought a yogurt, or honestly I've waited it out and chosen hangry over getting sick/being uncomfortable. 

I honestly don't think "fully comfortable" works in most serious committed relationships as a standard for living life with all the twists/turns/challenges - if I had that standard I'd of had to be married to a doormat (ick!!) and been a bad parent to my son who would have seen it as "if mom isn't fully comfortable we can't do _____".  I promise you when we visited NYC when he was 8 and he went down the tallest slide in the city, 12 times I was shaking in my boots - I couldn't accompany him. 

Fully comfortable? Not even close. But I knew I had to let him go, I knew I had to be flexible and put my inconvenience, blood pressure, stomach sensitivities aside to let him climb up those rocks with the crowds and go down, 12 times.  What if I'd done what you are doing and told him "we can only do things where we are both fully comfortable. I am not comfortable letting you go up the tallest slide in NYC on rocks you can slip on so let's walk away from all the other kids having a blast and stay on solid ground where it's safe." 

(And yes the parent-child relationship is analogous to spouses/bf/gf for this purpose I think)

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7 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

But see that's where you get stuck in a tautology - you're defining your standard "if I'm not fully comfortable with it that means it's no longer an option, and if the only option is one I'm not comfortable with -as I define it - then logically we lack common ground"

But you're missing the non-circular piece.  The person who reevaluates whether there's room for compromise, or if it's truly not an option.  The person who thinks outside the box, perhaps lets things gel and .... wah lah - all of a sudden there are options.  Maybe even more than one!  Some things for sure are dealbreakers - like no brainer dealbreakers - no need to let things gel.  But most are not.  I am Type A and married to a Type B.  I am 110% sure I would not be married and have my beyond adorable/hands-full 12 year old handsome, funny intelligent boy and my partner in crime husband if I'd taken your circular approach "hmm let's see I'm not fully comfortable so cross that one off the list".

"Fully comfortable" is often a really hard standard to reach in every single facet of life including living space. and convenience.

I'll give you a few quick examples.

Rollercoasters are dealbreakers for me.  Or most fast/spinning rides.

Not being able to work out for the brief period of time I do daily is darn close to being a dealbreaker for me.  I am nowhere near comfortable in my head or body if I don't get in my workout.  But I've tried my best to bend for certain situations -like travel which I find so important for my son, or like working out in really uncomfortable circumstances like at 4:30am or in really bad weather.

Only having the option of eating deep fried food and/or in a place that isn't clean to my higher standards than my husband is darn close to being a dealbreaker.  I am not fully comfortable sitting in certain restaurants, waiting too long to eat (hangry) or where the only options are deep fried foods.  So because I'm not fully comfortable it means we can't go? Of course not. 

So I've packed a nonperishable meal for myself that's not my favorite at all but it's nourishment, I've left the restaurant and gone to a gas station convenience store and bought a yogurt, or honestly I've waited it out and chosen hangry over getting sick/being uncomfortable. 

I honestly don't think "fully comfortable" works in most serious committed relationships as a standard for living life with all the twists/turns/challenges - if I had that standard I'd of had to be married to a doormat (ick!!) and been a bad parent to my son who would have seen it as "if mom isn't fully comfortable we can't do _____".  I promise you when we visited NYC when he was 8 and he went down the tallest slide in the city, 12 times I was shaking in my boots - I couldn't accompany him. 

Fully comfortable? Not even close. But I knew I had to let him go, I knew I had to be flexible and put my inconvenience, blood pressure, stomach sensitivities aside to let him climb up those rocks with the crowds and go down, 12 times.  What if I'd done what you are doing and told him "we can only do things where we are both fully comfortable. I am not comfortable letting you go up the tallest slide in NYC on rocks you can slip on so let's walk away from all the other kids having a blast and stay on solid ground where it's safe." 

(And yes the parent-child relationship is analogous to spouses/bf/gf for this purpose I think)

You sound reasonable. Maybe "fully comfortable" have to be lowered a little bit on the scale to a more acceptable level. I do admit that I may have not let that thing mature in my mind for some time and reevaluate things - whether there was a room for compromise or not. We still agreed to think about some options that could make things easier or even better - acceptable. It turned out that I can be leaving/taking her from a subway station that is on my way to work or if she stays overtime (or she is out with friends) - she could use a bus that travels to the subway station (although its stop is half a mile from my home). Yeah, both options "support" my cause of not moving out, but it's still some improvement. And she is really not so happy living with her sister now (they don't get along well at all) and she tries to be with me (more specifically - to come to my place) whenever there's an opportunity for it (she outright invites herself to my place or if there's some ambiguity - she says "but i want to be with you :classic_sad:", I hope that's not some sort of manipulation...).

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1 hour ago, bbogdanov said:

You sound reasonable. Maybe "fully comfortable" have to be lowered a little bit on the scale to a more acceptable level. I do admit that I may have not let that thing mature in my mind for some time and reevaluate things - whether there was a room for compromise or not. We still agreed to think about some options that could make things easier or even better - acceptable. It turned out that I can be leaving/taking her from a subway station that is on my way to work or if she stays overtime (or she is out with friends) - she could use a bus that travels to the subway station (although its stop is half a mile from my home). Yeah, both options "support" my cause of not moving out, but it's still some improvement. And she is really not so happy living with her sister now (they don't get along well at all) and she tries to be with me (more specifically - to come to my place) whenever there's an opportunity for it (she outright invites herself to my place or if there's some ambiguity - she says "but i want to be with you :classic_sad:", I hope that's not some sort of manipulation...).

I'm glad you're looking into being and acting more flexibly.  I really have concerns about how you describe this as some sort of antagonistic negotiation and are suspicious that her words are meant to manipulate.  Perhaps consider whether you don't trust her to an extent you're feeling insecure as you described.  Trust meaning -trust enough not to question whether "I want to be with you" is anything other than genuine.  That would be a concern to me.

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17 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I'm glad you're looking into being and acting more flexibly.  I really have concerns about how you describe this as some sort of antagonistic negotiation and are suspicious that her words are meant to manipulate.  Perhaps consider whether you don't trust her to an extent you're feeling insecure as you described.  Trust meaning -trust enough not to question whether "I want to be with you" is anything other than genuine.  That would be a concern to me.

 No, maybe I didn’t explain it correctly. I know she wants to be with me, she shows it with actions and words. I trust her in that respect and I think it’s genuine. I may just be paying too much attention to the way it’s presented - it’s almost always ending with a sad smiley and I just imagine how she’s saying it with a downhearted voice. Because she’s doing it like that in real life. Then I feel like I am bound to agree and have her at my place or go out on a date. Not that I don’t want to, quite the opposite. But presented like that, it seems strange to me and I can’t understand what exactly makes me feel puzzled. If I can compare it - it would be something like a kid that wants a candy and makes everything to get it (cries, makes sad faces, is moody, etc.). It’s like a little emotional manipulation, like looking for a pity and making people feel bad for you. I loved ice cream and toys when I was a child and I was coercing my parents into buying me many of them by a similar method. I guess I recognize a part of it in her now and it makes me feel bizzare a little bit.

And it can have nothing to do with it, just a mental gymnastics of mine. Either way, it’s just a thought and I am OK with it.

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1 hour ago, bbogdanov said:

 No, maybe I didn’t explain it correctly. I know she wants to be with me, she shows it with actions and words. I trust her in that respect and I think it’s genuine. I may just be paying too much attention to the way it’s presented - it’s almost always ending with a sad smiley and I just imagine how she’s saying it with a downhearted voice. Because she’s doing it like that in real life. Then I feel like I am bound to agree and have her at my place or go out on a date. Not that I don’t want to, quite the opposite. But presented like that, it seems strange to me and I can’t understand what exactly makes me feel puzzled. If I can compare it - it would be something like a kid that wants a candy and makes everything to get it (cries, makes sad faces, is moody, etc.). It’s like a little emotional manipulation, like looking for a pity and making people feel bad for you. I loved ice cream and toys when I was a child and I was coercing my parents into buying me many of them by a similar method. I guess I recognize a part of it in her now and it makes me feel bizzare a little bit.

And it can have nothing to do with it, just a mental gymnastics of mine. Either way, it’s just a thought and I am OK with it.

She wants to spend time with you and sleep with you. If you say no, she becomes sad because she was looking forward to it. Some people, when sad, become a little pouty. Without more, that is neither manipulation nor a red flag, in my opinion.

Once, when I was dating my ex from 2015, we were in her car after a date. I said goodnight and asked her to drop me off. She agreed but became a little upset. I asked what was wrong. She wanted us to head back to her dorm, have sex, then cuddle, lol. So, naturally, I agreed, haha. I thought it was endearing / a good sign that she wanted to be with me in those ways - and that she was sad when it didn't happen.

Unless I am missing some details, your situation seems similar to that. I do not know if reading further into it - or trying to find negatives based on those facts - is necessary or right here. 

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No, no, I don't have problem with that :) I tend to overthink sometimes but this specific thing is not of much importance to me. She's just like that. It does feel endearing sometimes. And she's doing it in different ways.

Like this morning when we were in bed, she was standing on top of me and saying "let's stay home for the day, I don't want to go to work, I want to cuddle" and I said that I couldn't, I had to go to work (I even had a physical difficulty standing up because, more or less like a joke, she was not allowing me to for a little while). I understand that she's mellow, passionate, attracted and wants to spend time with me but even if it will sound rigid (again) of me - I have strong boundaries when it comes to work and I can't call my boss an hour before I'm supposed to be at the office an tell him that I want a day off (and I was almost late for work on one occasion couple of weeks ago when she wanted to have sex in the morning and there are financial penalties at my work for being late even by a minute). When I left her at her place on my way to work, she again suggested staying at home and getting a day off but I refused.

And this thing is not an exception, it's happened couple of times already.

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My goodness. I think she was just going with the flow.  Does she have a serious job?  I can relate to the extent that I only dated men seriously  who shared compatible work ethics and had similarly intense and unpredictable working hours.  But it’s normal for her to suggest it just not demand. 

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This has happened several times already and I’ve always refused. It’s not appropriate for me and I think if we were waking up together every day, she would do it almost every time (on top of having a hard time getting up for work). She’s got a serious job but she’s acting like it’s not a big deal and it seems like running away from reality.

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On 7/10/2021 at 6:28 PM, bbogdanov said:

We are dating but she is not living with her ex. They broke up in 2018 but are part of a friends group that gathers occasionally (and goes on vacations).

That’s what I am trying to explain to people here - it’s a cultural thing and I’ve seen this “exclusivity” terminology mostly in US sites. There isn’t such word in my language, I just don’t know what to say to a girl if I wanted to be exclusive, I have to explain it because a single word that describes such an arrangement doesn’t exist…

At least one person understands me :D You are from France?

Bull*** my dear. I am from Europe as well and like you I was afraid and scared to pour my heart out and ask a guy to be together. But I did it and it liberated me because I was getting all over my head and wanting to text non sense to him (or previous guys instead of asking directly and politely). You won't be demanding but a simple do you want to be together or how you view us going forward is simple. People here really helped me get through this and no matter the outcome once you do it you feel empowered and relieved. And cmon if you are freaking out in the idea she's dating others her ex or whoever and acting aloof won't make you feel better. Only worse and it doesn't improve unless you come clean and speak your truth. I'm sorry but no matter what you think, if she doesn't want to be with you, then talking to her or not won't change that- but it will take you out of your misery looking for answers and face the truth. If she wants to then all good, if she doesn't then again all good, life goes on. But for the love of god, do something cause you're only hurting yourself. Been there done that, only brought me more anxiety and trouble. All the times I was scared to speak my truth and I did, things worked for me almost every time. You wanna stay in this limbo go ahead. I am not going back to the old me being afraid to take action. You can be kind, direct and honest. It never goes wrong.

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