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Insecurity while dating a girl brings out the worst in me


bbogdanov
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14 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

As for the insecurity issue, you were anxious and fearful because she wasn't texting "How are you?" every day but you're willing to lose her over a hypothetical situation that may or may not happen in the future. So my impression is perhaps you think you have the upper hand now because she seems to really like you so you feel comfortable making demands.

I'm interested to know how this will play out. You already don't like how she responds to ultimatums (you think she was sulky and "childish"). 

I don’t play games so I can’t say that I have the upper hand. I will suffer tremendously if things don’t work out because I like her but I will feel bad, too, if I had to make a compromise I am not ready to do now. I am just choosing myself over her in that hypothetical situation.

Never have I placed an ultimatum, there wasn’t such. And I don’t THINK she was sulky or childish, she really WAS (maybe you think that I think that she was sulky or childish?)

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9 minutes ago, LaHermes said:

Try not to be obtuse, OP. Look to yourself. Your thinking is all to often black and white. Work it out for yourself.  Then again, as has so often been suggested here and which you refuse to take on board, consult a therapist.

If you say my thinking is so-and-so but you refuse to specify what exactly, there’s no point in even saying it. I don’t get the intention then?

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25 minutes ago, bbogdanov said:

She is not in agreement with any ultimatums, we haven’t discussed such things. She hasn’t given any ultimatums and I don’t know what she wants and what she doesn’t.

Well I would advise you to find out, and quickly, before you move along any further and more particularly if you intend a serious relationship. 

So, why have you not discussed "such things".  Discussion is most important.  Maybe she won't like what you have to say, and maybe she won't like what you have to say. 

In conclusion, psychologically healthy and emotionally stable people are able to navigate any difficulties, and in particular the trivialities, likely to arise during a live-in relationship or marriage. 

You remark:

"but you refuse to specify what exactly, there’s no point in even saying it. I don’t get the intention then?"

I am not refusing anything OP.  Look it up, and find out for yourself.  Also, read your own posts (yours) on this or other threads.   Even better, talk to a therapist.  In fact, you dig your heels in when any poster suggests you consult a therapist. You said you have seen three counsellors.  I advised you find an experienced and well-qualified psychologist with whom you will have to challenge yourself and work hard. 

Even back in 2017 a poster (R.C.) said this to you:

"it's schizoid splitting. your mind portrays her as perfect, and you as worthless. i would ask my therapist to help me come to terms with shades of gray. no one is either black or white. after talking about it for a while, and accepting it intellectually, your emotions will follow. it just takes a while."

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20 minutes ago, LaHermes said:

Well I would advise you to find out, and quickly, before you move along any further and more particularly if you intend a serious relationship. 

So, why have you not discussed "such things".  Discussion is most important.  Maybe she won't like what you have to say, and maybe she won't like what you have to say. 

In conclusion, psychologically healthy and emotionally stable people are able to navigate any difficulties, and in particular the trivialities, likely to arise during a live-in relationship or marriage. 

You remark:

"but you refuse to specify what exactly, there’s no point in even saying it. I don’t get the intention then?"

I am not refusing anything OP.  Look it up, and find out for yourself.  Also, read your own posts (yours) on this or other threads.   Even better, talk to a therapist.  In fact, you dig your heels in when any poster suggests you consult a therapist. You said you have seen three counsellors.  I advised you find an experienced and well-qualified psychologist with whom you will have to challenge yourself and work hard. 

Even back in 2017 a poster (R.C.) said this to you:

"it's schizoid splitting. your mind portrays her as perfect, and you as worthless. i would ask my therapist to help me come to terms with shades of gray. no one is either black or white. after talking about it for a while, and accepting it intellectually, your emotions will follow. it just takes a while."

I don’t understand what you mean. I said that we didn’t discuss ultimatums. You mean that I should find out what she wants and what she doesn’t? Doesn’t that come naturally when two people get to know each other? I mean - won’t it be strange if we sit down and declare all our wishes and dealbreakers? I hope I understand you correctly.

I am open to counceling, why do you think I am against it?

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I personally think it's too soon to discuss living together and especially way too soon to argue about it.

I'm more concerned about your characterization of her reaction to your insistence on living in your current apartment as "sulky and childish". It sounds like you don't have respect for her as a person, particularly since you attributed her behavior to being a woman. I hope I'm wrong about that.

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23 minutes ago, bbogdanov said:

I mean - won’t it be strange if we sit down and declare all our wishes and dealbreakers?

What's so strange about it!  That's what reasonable people DO!  Mind-reading and telepathy do not exist. So, forget this "coming naturally" bit. Or do you mean that after a year of to-ing and fro-ing you will bounce your dealbreakers on her, then!

I agree with you Bolt:

"It sounds like you don't have respect for her as a person, particularly since you attributed her behavior to being a woman"

As for seeing a psychologist (ongoing) you said you would consider it.  So, if you are not against therapy why are you not working with a therapist right now.   And by that I mean a therapist who challenges you and makes you work!

And in your original post you said:

"I can't manage coping with these emotions. What do I do? Any help is appreciated!"

And we are telling you what to do, but you don't want to know.  Posters here are being very helpful over these many posts. 

 

Edited by LaHermes
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1 hour ago, bbogdanov said:

That’s my opinion, too - two people living full time under one roof. That’s what living together is, I fully agree.

By that last sentence (my broken english is responsible here :D ) I wanted to say that although I want to have a SO in my life, it’s not an end in itself (I hope the translator has found the correct phrase). I won’t accept or do everything just to be with a woman.

No one is asking you too and taking it to an extreme is never a good response - just shows that you're grasping at straws, a straw man you have created.  There's a range from flexible to rigid.  Obviously it's ridiculous to accept or do everything just to be with someone. Who hear even suggested that? I had my list too  - and there were things on it others found too rigid and I was happy to remain single if the person did not fulfil those requirements.  But I reevaluated my requirements to have my list be as short as possible and room for flexibility and compromise be as long as possible.  

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1 hour ago, bbogdanov said:

No problem.

I will be open to us living somewhere convenient for both of us but maybe in the future. I rented this place couple of months ago and I can’t just leave it because I’ve found a girlfriend. I like the place, it is financially appropriate to me and I have some responsibility to the landlords. Not speaking of all the baggage and things like that. We know each other for couple of months and I can’t just move out to another place with her.

Imagine a scenario - we don’t get along well and break up after a while. She can always go back to her sister’s place (for free) while I would have lost the place that I like and which is close to my friends. I have to look for another housing which is a pain in the *ss, it will take time, more money (I pay below average now) and in the meantime I have to be at my parents house. I may like this girl but the potential loss will be too big from a practical point of view. It’s too early.

I would not move places or make a financial investment in property for just a girlfriend (or boyfriend if it was hypothetically me).  I would never ever have relocated and quit my job - 800 miles from family - if we weren't engaged with a wedding date and expecting a baby. And it turned out I didn't relocate until after we were married.  (And I stopped working because of the baby not the marriage or relocating).  I cringe when a person buys a house with just a girlfriend/boyfriend unless there are children involved and some sort of non-marital but legal commitment -so that the financial investment comes with at least some sense of security in a legal sense.

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Posted (edited)
33 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

I personally think it's too soon to discuss living together and especially way too soon to argue about it.

I'm more concerned about your characterization of her reaction to your insistence on living in your current apartment as "sulky and childish". It sounds like you don't have respect for her as a person, particularly since you attributed her behavior to being a woman. I hope I'm wrong about that.

That’s what I agreed to - it’s too soon but it just came in the conversation. No big deal, I am happy either way.

You are wrong about the next thing, though - I didn’t insist at all. I just mentioned it once. It’s not that I don’t have respect for her, I am just describing her behaviour objectively. And it was not on a single occasion - if you want to address the situation please read all my previous posts (including her apology for her behaviour). Otherwise the picture can’t be fully appreciated and there is some cherry picking.

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29 minutes ago, LaHermes said:

What's so strange about it!  That's what reasonable people DO!  Mind-reading and telepathy do not exist. So, forget this "coming naturally" bit. Or do you mean that after a year of to-ing and fro-ing you will bounce your dealbreakers on her, then!

I agree with you Bolt:

"It sounds like you don't have respect for her as a person, particularly since you attributed her behavior to being a woman"

As for seeing a psychologist (ongoing) you said you would consider it.  So, if you are not against therapy why are you not working with a therapist right now.   And by that I mean a therapist who challenges you and makes you work!

And in your original post you said:

"I can't manage coping with these emotions. What do I do? Any help is appreciated!"

And we are telling you what to do, but you don't want to know.  Posters here are being very helpful over these many posts. 

 

Not after a year, of course, but these things come with time and situations. There has to be some context. I can’t imagine meeting a person and sitting down to discuss dealbreakers like it’s some interview. People find out things they can’t accept in their partner years after getting married but I am supposed to know/let her know everything about her/me from the get go?

I am not against counceling. I may just be procrastinating. And the financial part is a little bit of a problem but I think I can manage it somehow.

I have said many times that I appreciate all the help offered here! Even sharing my problems here helps me relieve some pressure and feel like there are some people at the other end of the world that don’t know me but still empathize with me.

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28 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

No one is asking you too and taking it to an extreme is never a good response - just shows that you're grasping at straws, a straw man you have created.  There's a range from flexible to rigid.  Obviously it's ridiculous to accept or do everything just to be with someone. Who hear even suggested that? I had my list too  - and there were things on it others found too rigid and I was happy to remain single if the person did not fulfil those requirements.  But I reevaluated my requirements to have my list be as short as possible and room for flexibility and compromise be as long as possible.  

If you can explain that thing with the straw, I can agree. I am flexible about some things and rigid about others. I think it’s simple as that.

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17 minutes ago, bbogdanov said:

I can’t imagine meeting a person and sitting down to discuss dealbreakers like it’s some interview. People find out things they can’t accept in their partner years after getting married but I am supposed to know/let her know everything about her/me from the get go?

Well, start imagining, OP! And no it isn't an "interview". A civilized conversation is what I had in mind, with this particular girl (unless you intend meeting others).  Or are you afraid when you tell her about your deal-breakers (which are likely irrational) she will run and never look back.  Is that it?

You know something, OP. You are your own worst enemy. And your black and white thinking is even a worse enemy.  And no one here is going to tell you what you want to hear.  But here you are, pushing back against everyone, and even accusing us of "cherry-picking".  But then we are not charging, like a therapist would. And it isn't procrastination that is stopping you from seeing a psychologist. It is because you don't want to hear what you don't want to hear.  A good therapist will challenge you, hard, to look at yourself. You are 33 now OP. Time to find out who you are.

So, from some time back:

"My emotions drive me insane with all this self-torture so knowing the problem doesn't help me a lot but at least it is something to begin with, I suppose. That thing with ignoring things I don't like about a girl - I really struggle to find the line between being too picky and accepting almost everything that the other person offers. I mean - I know two people have to make compromises, nobody's perfect. But I don't know where the boundary is so I err on the side of accepting most of the flaws a girl has. It is additionally backed up by my low self-esteem and thinking that I am not good enough for somebody so I am content with almost anything that comes my way (I don't like every girl, of course, but my bar is not set high to say the least). I want to get to that point of being happy single so a relationship would be a bonus point, but at the moment I really see it as a missing part from the puzzle. I will continue reading and going on therapy and I am happy with the help received on this forum so I hope some day I'll be a better version of myself. P.S. I am 30 year old."

You seem unable to find that "fine line" between your extremes.

And here you are (showing some insight):

"I've grown up not social enough, spending most of the time at home, not having a girlfriend and not knowing how to deal with women etc. Plus the fact my parents have always pampered me and I was getting most of the things I wanted through my childhood - I became selfish and egoistic to a certain degree. T- "

 

 

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Crikey OP, I've had a quick scan of this thread and you are lucky to recieve such great advice.

Without hijacking your thread, you kind of sound like me at the moment. I'm currently 4 dates in with this girl who, without sounding too full on, I can't stop thinking about. I've only ever had 2 previous dates in my life which turned into relationships (3 + 5 years respectively). However, something feels way different with this girl. I didn't meet her online for starters (no offence to those who have) and she's like beyond beautiful in every way, again no offence to my previous partners but I'm questioning myself now - am I good enough for her?

We've had incredible dates so far including a day out on Saturday before she came back to mine and we sat and watched a movie together. 2 days on, well more so today, I feel terrible and I'm not sure why. She hardly texts even though she's always appearing online on whatsapp or she'll just take forever to reply to me albeit they are long replies. Today for example I sent a message at 8 and she didn't get back until 6pm. I felt like just saying to her... have you had enough? Is that it?

As said though, I feel like I'm torturing myself. My anxiety has rocketed as has my self esteem. I've gone from being so happy Saturday to just wanting to say to her 'am I good enough for you'? 'Is this going anywhere'? today. I know the issue is with me.

Anyway, sorry, think I needed a vent and this thread seemed quite appropriate. There's some awesome advice in here, I should probably take some of it myself!

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No not an interview.  No not all dealbreakers- every time you take things to extremes you are trying to deflect attention away from the specific points we are all making.  Why? Cherry picking perhaps?

So I think if there are major dealbreakers yes -within the first four dates - like - the issues of marriage, family, religion, drug/alcohol use, and in general where to live - meaning if the person is about to live abroad for a year that should be divulged (I've been in that situation). 

General issues- not whether you want to marry each other or start a family but it's a waste of time for any serious potential if one wants marriage eventually and the other does not, if one wants kids, other does not, you both practice different religions and want to have kids who only practice your own religion.

In your case within the first four dates I'd make it clear that you're not moving out of your apartment for at least __ years and your dealbreaker about communication with any exes -I'd add that in given the extent to which you require it.  

If two people are looking for a serious relationship it's not an interview because mature adults will want to know this basic stuff before going forward.  

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9 hours ago, LaHermes said:

Well, start imagining, OP! And no it isn't an "interview". A civilized conversation is what I had in mind, with this particular girl (unless you intend meeting others).  Or are you afraid when you tell her about your deal-breakers (which are likely irrational) she will run and never look back.  Is that it?

You know something, OP. You are your own worst enemy. And your black and white thinking is even a worse enemy.  And no one here is going to tell you what you want to hear.  But here you are, pushing back against everyone, and even accusing us of "cherry-picking".  But then we are not charging, like a therapist would. And it isn't procrastination that is stopping you from seeing a psychologist. It is because you don't want to hear what you don't want to hear.  A good therapist will challenge you, hard, to look at yourself. You are 33 now OP. Time to find out who you are.

So, from some time back:

"My emotions drive me insane with all this self-torture so knowing the problem doesn't help me a lot but at least it is something to begin with, I suppose. That thing with ignoring things I don't like about a girl - I really struggle to find the line between being too picky and accepting almost everything that the other person offers. I mean - I know two people have to make compromises, nobody's perfect. But I don't know where the boundary is so I err on the side of accepting most of the flaws a girl has. It is additionally backed up by my low self-esteem and thinking that I am not good enough for somebody so I am content with almost anything that comes my way (I don't like every girl, of course, but my bar is not set high to say the least). I want to get to that point of being happy single so a relationship would be a bonus point, but at the moment I really see it as a missing part from the puzzle. I will continue reading and going on therapy and I am happy with the help received on this forum so I hope some day I'll be a better version of myself. P.S. I am 30 year old."

You seem unable to find that "fine line" between your extremes.

And here you are (showing some insight):

"I've grown up not social enough, spending most of the time at home, not having a girlfriend and not knowing how to deal with women etc. Plus the fact my parents have always pampered me and I was getting most of the things I wanted through my childhood - I became selfish and egoistic to a certain degree. T- "

 

 

I am not afraid to talk about my deal-breakers but it has to be in a specific situation. Not out of the blue. Like I say "listen, I don't like this-and-that, I won't accept such-and such" and so on... Getting to know the other person's values, wishes, dreams is not a mobile phone contract which you sign in the beginning, come on. I think that my deal-breakers are totally fine, their rationality is a fully subjective topic. I don't think one can define a dealbreaker as a rational or irrational (in most cases). Won't it be black-and-white thinking otherwise??

I am not here to hear what I want to hear. And cherry picking is a real thing in some cases. I don't know why some people feel that I am pushing back, discussion is not one-sided activity. There's a proverb here that says "truth is born of arguments".

Digging old statements of mine is helpful a little bit but 4 years is a lot of time and things change. I am not the same person and while there are still some valid points from back then, the additional experience has definitely changed me somehow.

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9 hours ago, GB11CR7 said:

Crikey OP, I've had a quick scan of this thread and you are lucky to recieve such great advice.

Without hijacking your thread, you kind of sound like me at the moment. I'm currently 4 dates in with this girl who, without sounding too full on, I can't stop thinking about. I've only ever had 2 previous dates in my life which turned into relationships (3 + 5 years respectively). However, something feels way different with this girl. I didn't meet her online for starters (no offence to those who have) and she's like beyond beautiful in every way, again no offence to my previous partners but I'm questioning myself now - am I good enough for her?

We've had incredible dates so far including a day out on Saturday before she came back to mine and we sat and watched a movie together. 2 days on, well more so today, I feel terrible and I'm not sure why. She hardly texts even though she's always appearing online on whatsapp or she'll just take forever to reply to me albeit they are long replies. Today for example I sent a message at 8 and she didn't get back until 6pm. I felt like just saying to her... have you had enough? Is that it?

As said though, I feel like I'm torturing myself. My anxiety has rocketed as has my self esteem. I've gone from being so happy Saturday to just wanting to say to her 'am I good enough for you'? 'Is this going anywhere'? today. I know the issue is with me.

Anyway, sorry, think I needed a vent and this thread seemed quite appropriate. There's some awesome advice in here, I should probably take some of it myself!

No problem! You're not hijacking the thread, feel free to vent here if it will make you feel better. And the advice is very useful, indeed, although I can't really recommend you an action to take because, like you see, I myself am struggling with such situation :D I hope you can endure it and not act upon your feelings, good luck!

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9 hours ago, Batya33 said:

No not an interview.  No not all dealbreakers- every time you take things to extremes you are trying to deflect attention away from the specific points we are all making.  Why? Cherry picking perhaps?

So I think if there are major dealbreakers yes -within the first four dates - like - the issues of marriage, family, religion, drug/alcohol use, and in general where to live - meaning if the person is about to live abroad for a year that should be divulged (I've been in that situation). 

General issues- not whether you want to marry each other or start a family but it's a waste of time for any serious potential if one wants marriage eventually and the other does not, if one wants kids, other does not, you both practice different religions and want to have kids who only practice your own religion.

In your case within the first four dates I'd make it clear that you're not moving out of your apartment for at least __ years and your dealbreaker about communication with any exes -I'd add that in given the extent to which you require it.  

If two people are looking for a serious relationship it's not an interview because mature adults will want to know this basic stuff before going forward.  

Every dealbreaker has a time and place to be discussed. It happens in context, it happens in a specific situation and so on. We haven't discussed major dealbreakers, maybe we are both guilty of it?

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On 7/19/2021 at 4:42 AM, bbogdanov said:

Her idea (although not explicitly stated) was that we could eventually get another place for us two that would be close to the subway so she could easily go to work and meet with friends.

15 hours ago, bbogdanov said:

I will be open to us living somewhere convenient for both of us but maybe in the future.

If this is true, then why did you say this:

On 7/19/2021 at 4:42 AM, bbogdanov said:

I told her that some problems just can't be solved (implying that our opinions were not matched)

16 hours ago, bbogdanov said:

If somebody doesn’t like my living place, no problem. Feel free to find another person. I’d like to have a girlfriend and someone to share my life with but I won’t do anything for it. And when she asked me “does that mean that if we can’t resolve that issue, we would have to part ways”, I said yes.

The two of you were in agreement that if there was a possible move, it would be some time in the future. But you recoiled and reacted like she was pressuring you to compromise.

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17 minutes ago, Jibralta said:

If this is true, then why did you say this:

The two of you were in agreement that if there was a possible move, it would be some time in the future. But you recoiled and reacted like she was pressuring you to compromise.

That's the problem, I guess. We were not in such agreement. I was looking at the issue from the current point of view because we were talking about specific actions in the nearest future (days or weeks ahead).

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46 minutes ago, bbogdanov said:

I was looking at the issue from the current point of view because we were talking about specific actions in the nearest future (days or weeks ahead).

You are actually the one who pushed the issue of moving in together immediately, not her:

23 hours ago, bbogdanov said:

I invited her to spend more time or even come to my place for an indefinite amount of time because it feels natural and seems like a progression.

She merely said that your location wasn't convenient to her. Why did you not agree to stay at her apartment in the same way that you invited her to stay at yours?

 

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7 hours ago, bbogdanov said:

Every dealbreaker has a time and place to be discussed. It happens in context, it happens in a specific situation and so on. We haven't discussed major dealbreakers, maybe we are both guilty of it?

Well yes those are obvious truisms.  Context and specific situation are very broad terms so it doesn't add much to discussing this issue.  For me personally I needed to know ASAP about: marriage, family, and religion (if there were major differences there), financial stability/employment, drug/alcohol use - all general - whether he was looking for marriage and children, etc. 

No interview needed because I was looking for a husband.  So if we contacted originally online I could screen for many of those to an extent with the exception of liars (like the guy who changed his profile to looking for marriage just so I'd make a plan to meet him at a fancy restaurant, then changed it back after I made the plan, said it was a mistake, I cancelled), and therefore many questions were answered. 

If not the vast majority of men who were serious minded wanted me to know all of that about themselves ASAP.  Again -generally -not "I think I could see us marrying" -that would have been creepy and yes it happened to me a couple of times.  

No guilt -she might not be serious or future-minded so those sorts of questions are irrelevant to her. Or she is and is afraid of the answers/afraid to rock the boat.

I agree with Jibralta.  

Edited by Batya33
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2 hours ago, Jibralta said:

You are actually the one who pushed the issue of moving in together immediately, not her:

She merely said that your location wasn't convenient to her. Why did you not agree to stay at her apartment in the same way that you invited her to stay at yours?

 

I didn't push the issue, please read my previous posts about it before jumping to conclusions.

I can't stay at her apartment because she lives at her sister's one.

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11 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Well yes those are obvious truisms.  Context and specific situation are very broad terms so it doesn't add much to discussing this issue.  For me personally I needed to know ASAP about: marriage, family, and religion (if there were major differences there), financial stability/employment, drug/alcohol use - all general - whether he was looking for marriage and children, etc. 

No interview needed because I was looking for a husband.  So if we contacted originally online I could screen for many of those to an extent with the exception of liars (like the guy who changed his profile to looking for marriage just so I'd make a plan to meet him at a fancy restaurant, then changed it back after I made the plan, said it was a mistake, I cancelled), and therefore many questions were answered. 

If not the vast majority of men who were serious minded wanted me to know all of that about themselves ASAP.  Again -generally -not "I think I could see us marrying" -that would have been creepy and yes it happened to me a couple of times.  

No guilt -she might not be serious or future-minded so those sorts of questions are irrelevant to her. Or she is and is afraid of the answers/afraid to rock the boat.

I agree with Jibralta.  

I can't add much more to the discussion about the dealbreakers. We get to know each other and when we are talking, we ask each other questions that are of interest to us. Little by little we accumulate information and everything comes out into the open. I don't know if I understand correctly your description but it sounds too strange to me. I don't do it that way, I am just going with the flow and time reveals everything.

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8 hours ago, bbogdanov said:

Getting to know the other person's values, wishes, dreams is not a mobile phone contract which you sign in the beginning, come on.

Where did I say that discussing your deal-breakers is a mobile phone contract.  What I do see is that you will not (for fear this girl may walk) even mention your deal-breakers to her, never mind have an amiable conversation about such matters.

6 minutes ago, bbogdanov said:

I don't do it that way, I am just going with the flow and time reveals everything.

So if you "don't do it that way" and you know everything, why on earth are you even here asking for advice.  So go right ahead and go with the flow.

 

8 minutes ago, bbogdanov said:

marriage, family, and religion (if there were major differences there), financial stability/employment, drug/alcohol use - all general - whether he was looking for marriage and children, etc. 

The aspects Batya mentions are perfectly valid, and need to be looked at, or are you afraid of what you might hear and find out, and learn that not everything is perfectly aligned with your absolute outlook.

20 minutes ago, bbogdanov said:

please read my previous posts about it before jumping to conclusions.

And this sort of snippy response to a poster trying to advise you is not helpful!

And forget arguments.  This is not a debating forum (I am sure there are many of those on the internet), it is an advice forum.  So, don't ask if you don't wish to hear what posters have to say to you.

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1 hour ago, LaHermes said:

Where did I say that discussing your deal-breakers is a mobile phone contract.  What I do see is that you will not (for fear this girl may walk) even mention your deal-breakers to her, never mind have an amiable conversation about such matters.

So if you "don't do it that way" and you know everything, why on earth are you even here asking for advice.  So go right ahead and go with the flow.

 

The aspects Batya mentions are perfectly valid, and need to be looked at, or are you afraid of what you might hear and find out, and learn that not everything is perfectly aligned with your absolute outlook.

And this sort of snippy response to a poster trying to advise you is not helpful!

And forget arguments.  This is not a debating forum (I am sure there are many of those on the internet), it is an advice forum.  So, don't ask if you don't wish to hear what posters have to say to you.

Never have I mentioned that you said it was a mobile phone contract, I am saying that it isn’t. I am declaring my dealbreakers when we discuss a particular topic with her and then they get known (like that thing with the apartment). And however much you try to force your judge frame (me being afraid to tell her my dealbreakers), it just won’t become magically true (I don’t even know why you insist on that??). Just a simple evidence - I told her I didn’t want to leave my home and I was totally open to breaking up because of that. It’s my priority for now and I am not giving it up. So let’s use facts, please.

I don’t declare my deal breakers like that and it hasn’t got anything to do with the topic. It doesn’t mean that I “know everything”, how did you come up to such conclusion?? I honestly can’t understand this hostility.

I am not afraid of what I might hear or find out, I hope that answers all such questions (repeatedly presented here) without me having to “defend” myself every time and to prove it’s true.

I don’t respond snippy, it’s an interpretation of the other person if he/she thinks it is. Internet defines my statement as “…where one "judge[s] or decide[s] something without having all the facts”. So yeah, it’s not snippy at all.

Nowhere have I read that the forum was defined as an advice one and debating was not allowed. I am looking for advice and I wish to hear what posters are saying (and I am doing it). That doesn’t mean that I can agree with everything, especially groundless accusations. Please, whoever feels unwell answering to my topic, it’s not a necessity. Some people get too emotional. Bear in mind that I am here, presenting all my flaws, being totally vulnerable and I am not running away. It’s easy judging from the comfort of giving advices. 

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