Jump to content

Insecurity while dating a girl brings out the worst in me


bbogdanov
 Share

Recommended Posts

9 hours ago, boltnrun said:

And didn't you say you would never travel with an ex or even be in contact with them in any way while in a relationship?  So you must feel like it's either inappropriate or it's something you just wouldn't want to do.

Anyway, I think I'll just step away from your thread.  I'm thinking I'm not being of much help.  And I do sincerely hope all goes well and you are happy.

Never have I said you are not being of much help (or any other poster here), I think it’s quite the opposite. Your help is appreciated!

I did say that I would never travel with an ex or even be in contact with them. I feel it’s inappropriate but I agreed to make a single compromise about that vacation. I hope it doesn’t turn out against me.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

9 hours ago, boltnrun said:

He mentioned she is on a trip I think this weekend?  With other friends.

Yeah, she is on a vacation at a mountain resort this weekend. She is with a friend of hers, her child and her dog.

She is texting me two days in a row and sends me pictures.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

8 hours ago, Jibralta said:

That's not really answering the questions, though. That's just a restatement of your opinion about having exes in the picture.

The questions are, why are you insecure about her keeping in touch with her ex? What does their communication make you insecure about

Lots of people have exes in their past. Does it bother you when your friends keep their exes in the picture? Does it bother you when you read about total strangers keeping their exes in the picture? 

It’s not an opinion, it’s a feeling. That’s why I said I feel fearful. I will be insecure because I will be afraid of them rekindling things, at least up to some point in time when I build a trust and see how things are. Their communication will make me insecure because of the same thing.

I have only one friend that has his ex in the picture and while they have no feelings for each other, she is constantly using him and he can’t detach. It does bother me because of that and I have told him many times. About a total stranger - it won’t bother me but I will be wondering why they do it, I don’t understand it.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

19 hours ago, bbogdanov said:

Addressing the insecurity and anxiety is a good goal, what are the practical steps toward it? And I don’t want something specific, what should I tell her?

OP, addressing the insecurity and anxiety is the principal goal.  You know full well what the practical steps towards that goal are!  Indeed, insecurity and anxiety will wreck any relationship, long or short. 

I don't know what you mean by "I don't want something specific".

And then you say:

"I feel fearful. I will be insecure because I will be afraid of them rekindling things, at least up to some point in time when I build a trust and see how things are. Their communication will make me insecure because of the same thing."

You say above you felt it was inappropriate, yet you said nothing, did nothing to make it clear to her that you thought it inappropriate. 

And

"I agreed to make a single compromise about that vacation. I hope it doesn’t turn out against me."

The fact of the matter is that you were scared to make your view to her plain and straight.

 

Edited by LaHermes
  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

5 hours ago, bbogdanov said:

It’s not an opinion, it’s a feeling.

Understood. But fears are attached to thoughts, as you must know. Another question--Which of the following causes you more anxiety:

A) Her rekindling with her ex, or

B) Her deciding to start seeing some other guy?

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

OP: You wrote this quite some time back:

Nothing seems to have changed. And if not, why not.

 

"I guess everything I suffer from can be described as simple as:

- low self-esteem (mostly when it comes to dating/communication with women; I have good friends, a decent job, master's degree in engineering and IQ way above average but when it comes to women I am total zero)

- neediness (probably related to the above; after breaking up with my ex 2 years ago I felt not good enough to be loved and to be somebody's SO; going out with more than 20 women for the past year and not being able to start a relationship, although there was good probability with some of them, just strengthened this belief of mine so now I doubt in every situation when a girl is involved and I need approval/reassurance that everything is OK)

- insecurity (I guess this coincides with the above, are they synonyms or something like that? I am in constant fear that I will screw things up, that a girl I am dating will suddenly stop liking me, that I will be alone forever and so on)

- hopelessness (I am 31 now and all this experience from the past couple of years just makes it worse for me; I feel I will never find a woman that can be with me and all that awaits me is a lonely life getting older; additionally I seem to not think about two people being with each other like equal beings but like I am in a somewhat lower position and I have to live up to the woman's standards in order to be selected as a mate...)"

 

 

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

17 hours ago, LaHermes said:

OP, addressing the insecurity and anxiety is the principal goal.  You know full well what the practical steps towards that goal are!  Indeed, insecurity and anxiety will wreck any relationship, long or short. 

I don't know what you mean by "I don't want something specific".

And then you say:

"I feel fearful. I will be insecure because I will be afraid of them rekindling things, at least up to some point in time when I build a trust and see how things are. Their communication will make me insecure because of the same thing."

You say above you felt it was inappropriate, yet you said nothing, did nothing to make it clear to her that you thought it inappropriate. 

And

"I agreed to make a single compromise about that vacation. I hope it doesn’t turn out against me."

The fact of the matter is that you were scared to make your view to her plain and straight.

 

It may be the principal goal but if I knew what the step towards that goal were, I wouldn't ask : )

You said "Make up your mind what you want, and simply tell her that." to which I replied that I didn't want something specific (maybe I didn't understand that statement of yours).

I felt that it was inappropriate and that's why I had her explain to me all the details about it. I tried to understand her point of view (and I told her that I didn't see keeping exes in life an appropriate thing) but in the end I was still feeling discomfortable with it. That's when I found out that she shared my opinion about it (she would not keep the ex in her life if she had a relationship) so that issue was cleared up.

And I still think that I can manage to be OK with that single vacation.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

17 hours ago, Jibralta said:

Understood. But fears are attached to thoughts, as you must know. Another question--Which of the following causes you more anxiety:

A) Her rekindling with her ex, or

B) Her deciding to start seeing some other guy?

Yeah, the thought associated with fear is that of rekindling things (or even that things may be not over at all).

Definitely A), although I can't really say specific reasons for that.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

17 hours ago, LaHermes said:

OP: You wrote this quite some time back:

Nothing seems to have changed. And if not, why not.

 

"I guess everything I suffer from can be described as simple as:

- low self-esteem (mostly when it comes to dating/communication with women; I have good friends, a decent job, master's degree in engineering and IQ way above average but when it comes to women I am total zero)

- neediness (probably related to the above; after breaking up with my ex 2 years ago I felt not good enough to be loved and to be somebody's SO; going out with more than 20 women for the past year and not being able to start a relationship, although there was good probability with some of them, just strengthened this belief of mine so now I doubt in every situation when a girl is involved and I need approval/reassurance that everything is OK)

- insecurity (I guess this coincides with the above, are they synonyms or something like that? I am in constant fear that I will screw things up, that a girl I am dating will suddenly stop liking me, that I will be alone forever and so on)

- hopelessness (I am 31 now and all this experience from the past couple of years just makes it worse for me; I feel I will never find a woman that can be with me and all that awaits me is a lonely life getting older; additionally I seem to not think about two people being with each other like equal beings but like I am in a somewhat lower position and I have to live up to the woman's standards in order to be selected as a mate...)"

 

 

There's an improvement, I can definitely say that. Part of it is due to more experience, another part is because of counceling. But I am not free of those flaws. Maybe insecurity is the thing that is most problematic here.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

We got together again last evening and had dinner at home. We booked the weekend vacation and everything seems fine.

Yet there's still some insecurity between dates. I am now tired of it and can't really do much but endure it (I am not acting upon it).

Link to comment
Share on other sites

2 hours ago, bbogdanov said:

We got together again last evening and had dinner at home. We booked the weekend vacation and everything seems fine.

Yet there's still some insecurity between dates. I am now tired of it and can't really do much but endure it (I am not acting upon it).

I'm sorry you feel insecure. It sounds like you two are have a nice time together and planning a vacation  It can be hard to differentiate between irrational feelings and feelings that are trying to relay important information.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

2 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I'm sorry you feel insecure. It sounds like you two are have a nice time together and planning a vacation  It can be hard to differentiate between irrational feelings and feelings that are trying to relay important information.

I believe they are irrational, everything is going more or less smoothly now but logic doesn’t help me much :D feelings are feelings…

Link to comment
Share on other sites

3 hours ago, bbogdanov said:

I believe they are irrational, everything is going more or less smoothly now but logic doesn’t help me much :D feelings are feelings…

Of course.  You choose the reaction. See I wrote above. A number of times. I’m not suggesting logic. I’m suggesting again that you have control over how you react to feelings.
 

For example if I hear of a stomach virus going around I will feel anxious even though  I’ve had no contact with anyone who has had it.  

So I choose to react to the feeling by acknowledging it.  It exists.  But I also choose not to focus on it. I also choose to rely on the various tools I’ve developed to have that feeling exist but on the periphery. Not right on my radar.  I choose not to let it effect how I live my life. My suggestion to you is develop the tools that work for you to choose your reaction to a feeling. Mine include exercise, mantras, breathing exercises, distractions.  But you have to do the work to find yours. 
if you felt angry with someone who cut in front of you at a grocery store line and you started screaming at the person would you justify it by claiming that feelings are feelings and aren’t logical ?  No because everyone knows you chose to scream.  You didn’t choose to feel angry.  But you chose to scream.  See the difference ?

I know you know the difference.  I think you just don’t want to do the work.  Sometimes feelings of insecurity are based on a situation that should cause it.  Like if you get a bad review at work you might not feel secure about keeping your job. With your girlfriend it would be good for you to figure out if something she did or didn’t do triggered the feeling.  Or if it’s sort of all you and out of nowhere.  

I had a serious boyfriend and declined his proposal because I had a feeling I’d feel lonely in a marriage.  But I couldn’t really explain it.
 10 years later we met for coffee.
And he told me that about a year after we broke up he realized he was gay.  I had no clue.  He’d been in denial. We had a great  sex life and chemistry. But obviously he was distant and closed off because he was struggling with his sexual orientation.  so my feelings were actually based on something  real and thank goodness we didn’t marry. 
 

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

6 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Of course.  You choose the reaction. See I wrote above. A number of times. I’m not suggesting logic. I’m suggesting again that you have control over how you react to feelings.
 

For example if I hear of a stomach virus going around I will feel anxious even though  I’ve had no contact with anyone who has had it.  

So I choose to react to the feeling by acknowledging it.  It exists.  But I also choose not to focus on it. I also choose to rely on the various tools I’ve developed to have that feeling exist but on the periphery. Not right on my radar.  I choose not to let it effect how I live my life. My suggestion to you is develop the tools that work for you to choose your reaction to a feeling. Mine include exercise, mantras, breathing exercises, distractions.  But you have to do the work to find yours. 
if you felt angry with someone who cut in front of you at a grocery store line and you started screaming at the person would you justify it by claiming that feelings are feelings and aren’t logical ?  No because everyone knows you chose to scream.  You didn’t choose to feel angry.  But you chose to scream.  See the difference ?

I know you know the difference.  I think you just don’t want to do the work.  Sometimes feelings of insecurity are based on a situation that should cause it.  Like if you get a bad review at work you might not feel secure about keeping your job. With your girlfriend it would be good for you to figure out if something she did or didn’t do triggered the feeling.  Or if it’s sort of all you and out of nowhere.  

I had a serious boyfriend and declined his proposal because I had a feeling I’d feel lonely in a marriage.  But I couldn’t really explain it.
 10 years later we met for coffee.
And he told me that about a year after we broke up he realized he was gay.  I had no clue.  He’d been in denial. We had a great  sex life and chemistry. But obviously he was distant and closed off because he was struggling with his sexual orientation.  so my feelings were actually based on something  real and thank goodness we didn’t marry. 
 

Yes, we don't really choose what to feel but choose how to react to it. Your example with the grocery store was a good one! I do know the difference and that's why I mostly try to not act upon feelings. But the discomfort is real and I struggle with it.

I guess the tools to be developed are all kinds of distractions after all (work, hobbies, friends, etc.). I mean - feelings are there and one has to wait for them to fade out while doing other things because you can't really influence them directly?

There have been some things that made me insecure with this particular girl (like the situation with the ex), but they are now gone and everything should be fine on paper. In reality, I still struggle with insecurity and fear of abandonment, which is not justified given how things are going and her behaviour. Part of it is due to self-esteem and I often don't have much of it in that area of life (relationships). I can't allow myself to be fully happy and I fear it's too good to be true. 

All this happens while I am alone in my everyday life. When we are together, I am totally different and fully enjoy the time spent. I don't have to worry about anything because I feel validated.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

A little bit of venting.

Last evening we spent more time together (she asked me to meet up) and slept at my place as usual. The experience is great but I catch myself more and more unable to deal with my daily activities. It becomes a little whirlwind and I feel less motivated and interested in my hobbies, work, friends gatherings, etc. I feel guilty about it because I know there have to be a balance. I am often thinking about her, the relationship and all that stuff. I should be extremely happy because of how things are going, yet I seem to not be able to relax and enjoy it. There's still some fear that I might get rejected despite all the facts that point to the opposite. We are going to the weekend vacation tomorrow and I know we'll have a great time. I just want to be able to manage my time when I am alone so I am not so dependent on her or the relationship.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

You’re not unable. It’s a choice. Fake it till you make it. Meaning do your thing even without motivation.  Then over time it becomes normal again. It’s the only way I workout every morning. I’m not always motivated but do it anyway.   No “shoulds” - I “should “ be so happy makes no sense. And you’ve been dating a very short time.  I think since you’ve chosen to move so fast it’s throwing you off and triggering these sorts of issues and concerns. 

Edited by Batya33
  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

19 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

You’re not unable. It’s a choice. Fake it till you make it. Meaning do your thing even without motivation.  Then over time it becomes normal again. It’s the only way I workout every morning. I’m not always motivated but do it anyway.   No “shoulds” - I “should “ be so happy makes no sense. And you’ve been dating a very short time.  

You are really giving me a hard time :D but you are right as usual... I have to force myself.

I said that I "should" be happy about the situation because it seems everything is going well and it would be strange to not be happy when good things happen to you. I am just not letting myself to relax and see all the good things and enjoy them. I am instead spinning negative outcomes in my mind and allowing insecurities to overwhelm me. I can't really understand where that comes from.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

45 minutes ago, bbogdanov said:

I am instead spinning negative outcomes in my mind and allowing insecurities to overwhelm me. I can't really understand where that comes from.

So, what do you intend to do to address this problematic situation? 

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

1 hour ago, LaHermes said:

So, what do you intend to do to address this problematic situation? 

For now I am enduring those negative emotions but it’s exhausting. I have couple of theories:

- fear of abandonment/rejection (connected to events from childhood, taking things personally, fear of not finding a SO, thinking that it’s a chance I must not miss, placing myself lower than her, “needing” a girlfriend, etc.)

- low self-esteem (thinking of women as the choosing party, living up to their standards, not considering my contribution to the relationship, not believing that something so good can happen to me, etc.)

Addressing the situation may begin with the acknowledge of those things but I don’t know what to do about correcting them.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I'm popping back in quickly to say I'm not surprised you're still anxious and fearful.  Remember when I said even if she texted "How are you?" every hour on the hour you'd still be anxious and fearful? And that it's because your fear and anxiety live inside of you?  You just believed she could relieve it with attention and texts but that's obviously not the case. 

Things are going well, you claim to be completely confident she is in a committed relationship with you, you say you have no worries at all and are fine with her going on vacation with her ex, she spends a LOT of time with you...and yet, here you are, fearful and anxious.

Trying to "live with it" or trying to "endure" isn't working. So what do you think you should do?

  • Like 3
Link to comment
Share on other sites

1 hour ago, boltnrun said:

I'm popping back in quickly to say I'm not surprised you're still anxious and fearful.  Remember when I said even if she texted "How are you?" every hour on the hour you'd still be anxious and fearful? And that it's because your fear and anxiety live inside of you?  You just believed she could relieve it with attention and texts but that's obviously not the case. 

Things are going well, you claim to be completely confident she is in a committed relationship with you, you say you have no worries at all and are fine with her going on vacation with her ex, she spends a LOT of time with you...and yet, here you are, fearful and anxious.

Trying to "live with it" or trying to "endure" isn't working. So what do you think you should do?

That’s why I want to know how to deal with it myself - to not depend on outside factors.

Things are really going well and that’s what puzzles me even more - why I have that fear or anxiety when it’s not supposed to be there.

Trying to live with it is working, technically. But I don’t want to be so discomortable. I don’t know what I should do, unfortunately.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Restore formatting

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

 Share


×
×
  • Create New...