To end it or not to end it...

[mrd410]

I'll consolidate my very long story as much as possible:

I've been with  my bf for 6 years, with a 6-month gap in between halfway through. We were SO in love in the beginning until he started getting into hard drugs which amplified his bipolar and he got extremely emotionally and verbally abusive, so I finally broke up with him. As cliché as it sounds, he worked hard to change, and I ended up taking him back. Since then (so for the past 3 years or so), we've worked hard on repairing our relationship (including going to couples' counselling, which we concluded last year), but for me it's just become increasingly difficult for a variety of reasons, mainly: 1. I notice, regardless of how much time goes on (I'm also seeing a therapist for myself), I've still got PTSD from our previous relationship and it's blocking me from getting back to where we were in the beginning; 2. He's a year older than me and still doesn't really have his *** together -- he works and cleans the house etc. but things like opening his own mail, making his own appointments, taking action to get a new job when he's been complaining about the one he has for years, etc.; 3. you know what they say, once an addict, always an addict, and while he has stopped with the hard drugs, he keeps falling back into cycles where he'll smoke weed constantly (which also costs hundreds of euros every month, and I'm already the breadwinner by a longshot). When I bring up my concerns to him, he gets defensive and sometimes angry and puts the blame back on me but then later says he just said that stuff in the moment and didn't really mean it, but then gets annoyed when those comments stick with me and I have trouble believing him when he says he is so in love with me and believes we can still make it work. He seems so convinced that there is hope and that we can get back to where we were as long as we both persevere enough, but to be completely honest, I'm getting tired, and this feeling gets stronger as time goes on. I keep thinking I need to end things, but when it gets to the point where I need to actually say the words, I panic and think I'm making a mistake. It is important to say that he is not nasty to me anymore -- he is actually incredibly sweet and it is indeed genuine and he regrets how he acted in the past. In that sense, I do like having him around, and he's not a bad person, and especially after we've been together so long and been through so much, it's hard to know once that decision is made, he's out of my life forever (realistically, I don't see us being friends afterwards). We also just bought a house together last year and there's a good chance I won't be able to keep it for financial reasons. I feel guilty when I express doubts to the point of almost breaking up and he feels so upset that I am "giving up" and don't believe him when he says he loves me and that causes me to not be affectionate towards him, which really hurts his feelings and makes him feel unwanted. I really don't know what to do. Should I keep trying and maybe we can come full circle later on or just cut our losses and lose him forever? (I'm not afraid of being alone and starting over, for the record; it's just hard to let him go.)

[DarkCh0c0]

Hello,

I'm sorry for what you've been through. If you look at my post, I left an ex similar to yours (no drugs though) 3 months ago. 6 years in as well.

Cut your losses and break up with him. You deserve to be happy and treated well. Once I left this man (I tried to break up with him and he became more abusive- so I made a plan and left without notice), my health and mood improved so much! I had health problems that I didn't know were related to us/him go away. These people are selfish, toxic and trap you in.

I know you love him, but now you need to listen to your brain and plan an exit. Talk to friends and family. Keep yourself surrounded by good people. Consider therapy. And, remember you are worthy of a good life.

Fyi you need to lose him and his negative energy forever. Leave and don't look back. Block him everywhere as soon as it's over, because abusive people can become much more abusive once you put your foot down and decide to choose yourself and your well-being over their own.

I'm rooting for you! You have the strength.

[MissCanuck]

You tried to make this work. 

And it isn't working. 

You know what you need to do. 

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, mrd410 said:

 he started getting into hard drugs which amplified his bipolar and he got extremely emotionally and verbally abusive, 

End it. He will drag you down.

You're not going to fix or change him.

Focus on your own physical and mental health and well-being.

 

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, mrd410 said:

he keeps falling back into cycles where he'll smoke weed constantly (which also costs hundreds of euros every month, and I'm already the breadwinner 

He's bipolar and a drug addict and you are supporting and enabling him. Thereby ruining 2 lives in the process. Yours and preventing him from getting the substance abuse and mental health care he needs.

Do you want a happy life one day? Then you need to invest in better things than drugs and on/off relationships with severely dysfunctional men.

 

[SooSad33]

Unfortunately, sounds like the damage is done 😕 .

You two are both stuck in the challenges & it's sour.

9 hours ago, mrd410 said:

I feel guilty when I express doubts to the point of almost breaking up and he feels so upset that I am "giving up" and don't believe him when he says he loves me and that causes me to not be affectionate towards him, which really hurts his feelings and makes him feel unwanted

Things are not going well with you two anymore.

 

And do NOT stick with someone with 'fears of being alone'- then you're remaining for the wrong reasons.

 

I feel, not matter what he WILL always have his inner demons to deal with.  His past affected your future.  mental illness does add up re: relationships.

Is best you figure yourself out and stop thinking so badly on yourself.  You tried.. and tried. Things don't always work out - fact.

 

 

[Rose Mosse]

I think you've answered your own questions. It's a matter of strength and following through with what you feel is best. I second the thoughts from DC - gain support from your friends and family. Talk to a lawyer if you need advice about the property. This is as good as over. It's already rotten through with addictions and drug abuse. Let go.