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Trust Issues


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Trust Issues

Back in January my boyfriend and I had COVID and were quarantined together. We stayed in my room for 2-3 weeks, which had us arguing a little more than usual. Fast forward to the last week of quarantine, he fell asleep hours before me and I was up laying in bed. My gut told me to check his phone, and when I did, my heart sank. I found that he had been looking up his ex on Instagram, and had been stalking this OnlyFans girl, both on IG and on OF. When I confronted him, he was upset, promised that he would never do it again, and said that he wasn’t sure why he did it in the first place. He then unfollowed every girl on IG (without me ever mentioning it). 

For the past 6 months I’ve been trying my hardest to be okay and move past it, but I’m having a hard time. I try not to bring it up anymore to him, because whenever I do, he gets mad at me. He flips it on me and tells me that I’m the problem, and I’m “making him feel bad, it’s been 6 months and he can’t do this anymore.” It hurts that he caused this yet he expects me to heal,be okay with it and forget about it all on my own with no reassurance. 

What would you do?

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I don’t know, OP. People get curious. Sometimes I look at the pages of people I knew way back when in primary school, or even an ex I parted well with. It doesn’t mean I am into them. It just means I wondered where they were at in life, as a passing curiosity. 

I would be more concerned with the fact you violated his privacy. That’s not okay. If you’re insecure in your relationship, then it isn’t the right one for you, regardless of your bf following an ex on IG.

My husband still talks to his ex every now and then and it doesn’t bother me one bit because I understand there isn’t anything to it. But, if you’re not comfortable with that then end the relationship and stop emotionally punishing your boyfriend for something that happened 6 months ago. You either trust him or you don’t, and if you don’t then you need to end the relationship because trust is the very important and necessary foundation of all healthy and successful relationships. Without it, there is no relationship or future. Sorry you’re going through this. 

Edited by LotusBlack
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You need to decide what's a dealbreaker and what things you'll give one more chance for or let slide. But once you've had that argument and come to a consensus, then yes, it's not okay to dredge up the past again. If you can't get past it in half of a year, then maybe it's a dealbreaker for you, so break up.

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Well when people go through stressful times they turn to something as an escape...some start drinking, or online shopping, porn,....he on the other hand started looking a chicks. The conversation should have went further. You never got a why....why he turned to this behavior or how to address the issue, understand his side, express your concerns, then everyone learns something and is satisfied to move on. You didn't do that...you scolded him, he said sorry, and that was the end of it. that's not dealing with it. It's no wonder you are still reeling/uncertain. You need to go back and have that open honest discussion. Just remember you can't make it all about you...listen too and sort it out fairly.

Edited by smackie9
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Hey, OP. Sorry you are dealing with this. So, you snooped (without provocation or reasonable suspicion? If so, you violated his privacy...). From that snooping, here are his "crimes." Six months ago...

1. He was looking at an ex's Instagram. 

2. He was looking at some random person's OnlyFans (and associated Instagram account). Basically, pornography.

Those alone don't seem culpable to me. Here is why.

As another poster said above, regarding the ex, often people become curious about how people in their past are doing. I've checked on an ex before out of curiosity - there wasn't anything more underneath that. Without more information - like for example that he talks about her all the time, or he clearly otherwise still has feelings - that curiosity is likely all it is.

In regards to the pornography, I personally do not (usually) think it is healthy to restrict what someone does - by themselves - in their own space. I realize sometimes OnlyFans blurs the line (e.g., if one pays, it can be interactive). Also, every relationship has different boundaries. It sounds like you had one idea about what the boundaries were, and he had another idea. Perhaps that was worth clarifying - and perhaps you two could have hashed everything out to determine the best way forward. 

However, it doesn't seem like you two handled the subsequent conversation(s) in an appropriate or mature way. It seems like you are treating him like he has betrayed you or was unfaithful, and that probably is neither fair nor conducive to a healthy resolution.

And I'm confused as to why he unfollowed every girl on Instagram. Do you have any more information on why he did that?

The solution is probably to treat the "infractions" for what they are: a lack of clear/out-of-sync boundaries, and not infidelity or betrayal. Mutually agree on what is acceptable and what is not. And set parameters moving forward for who can access whose phone... Maybe then, you'll both be able to move past this.

Edited by Pleasedonot5
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Looking .. checking things/ people out.  Is natural.

But that is all it is!  Looking is not 'acting'.

Just like stuff like ohh cute girls & hott chicks.. and porn.  It's kind of exciting stuff - but they are not 'cheating'.

If you have not been able to work through this by now, is possible you just can't ..' let it go' 😕 .

Then is maybe best to end all of this - since what you've been doing, will, surely make him pull away .. - no good.

 

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