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Feeling insecure after being cheated on


Momstrength
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Hello all,

I recently left my SO (a month ago) after a long history of emotional cheating on his part, among other problems. He was very unsupportive, not helpful in our family home, and not involved in our family life ( we have a daughter almost 2)

The first time I caught him speaking/flirting with another woman online, I was already pregnant. We were having issues with his “low sex drive” and I was already feeling insecure. Needless to say, finding out he was having an emotional affair, staying up at night talking to another woman while I cry myself to sleep, made me even more insecure.
 

Fast forward 2 years and about 4 emotional affairs later (that I know of), I had enough and left. It has been very hard looking back on it and trying not to internalize some insecurity. It makes me wonder what I had done wrong or if I was really that bad that he had to seek someone else. We are coparenting and have agreed to stay civil and mature, but sometimes I just want to scream and ask what the hell was so bad about me that I wasn’t enough. Anyone have any advice for me?

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1 hour ago, Momstrength said:

The first time I caught him speaking/flirting with another woman online, I was already pregnant. We were having issues with his “low sex drive” and I was already feeling insecure. 

Why is it you were already feeling insecure?

1 hour ago, Momstrength said:

It makes me wonder what I had done wrong or if I was really that bad that he had to seek someone else. We are coparenting and have agreed to stay civil and mature, but sometimes I just want to scream and ask what the hell was so bad about me that I wasn’t enough.

Try to turn it around ( your thoughts) that this is on HIM.

He was the one acting out.  His ongoing flirtation.

Was HIS loss.. knowing you ARE a good person! So many times I've heard guys say their buddy was a jerk etc.. because he lost a good woman.  Yup, they do!

Is like some sort of 'addiction'.. they can't let it go... And he could have also been acting out that way to boost his ego!  And he made poor decisions.

So try to turn your thoughts around with this.  That he's got issue's.  Someday he may learn... (maybe).  Some never change 😕 .

I;ve been with cheaters, alcoholics, irate, insecure guys.. you name it 😕 .. See, there's all kinds.  But, I tried... and tried.  eventually I became mentally & emotionally exhausted.  Couldn't do it anymore.

Been on my own a few years and that's best for me at this time.

 

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The thing about cheaters is that they are extremely selfish.  They may hide it but inside they are very selfish and often time do what they want without ever thinking about who they will hurt. 

  You aren't the one that is broken or unlovable, he is.  Cheaters cheat to fill a void, a void not because of anything you did or didn't do or provide.  The void is within them and was there probably before you met.  They cheat to try and make themselves feel better about who they are or how they see themselves.  They are broken and use people to feel better about their life and who they are.  Using others is what they do along with lying to themselves and anyone they need to so they can keep kidding themselves that what they are doing isn't wrong.

Justifications, excuses or blame shifting are the usual tools they use.

  If you asked him straight out all the questions you wanted he would just lie to you.  Not because he doesn't want to tell the truth but because he probably doesn't know the answers, not the real answers anyways.  My now ex wife answered all my questions after I caught her and you know what?  It didn't change anything.  She was still a cheater and our 20 years together was over.

  Any words he speaks to you will not give you closure, you have to make that happen for yourself.  Looking to a cheater for that is a fools errand.

  Focus on your daughter and your new life without that selfish jerk in it.

  Lost

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I will second what other posters have written.  The man you're married to is the insecure, they are too scared to confront the fact their needs aren't being met.  Maybe attention, sex, support.  So they go off and look for women who are open to them and accepting.

When they should be talking to their wives!  What he is doing is very disloyal.  You are supposed not be his primary relationship.

I had married men trying to start up friendships and always wondered why when they have a wife at home.  It could be many reasons obviously.  Boredom, distraction from conflicts they don't want to confront or sexual variety.  One or all of them.

Certain personality types (avoidant)  and those who grew up in disfunctional homes are those who commonly seek other women when already married.  Unfortunately they see nothing wrong with it until the guilt sets in.  Even then, they still believe they are entitled.  Poor me attitude are their ego defenses.

You can't change him.  If he's willing to go into therapy, there might be some hope.

You've done the right thing.  It's all about HIM.  Please avoid getting down on yourself!

 

 

 

 

 

 

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19 hours ago, Momstrength said:

sometimes I just want to scream and ask what the hell was so bad about me that I wasn’t enough. Anyone have any advice for me?

Yes.  You're human, and your thoughts and feelings are normal.  When someone betrays you, it's a reflection of their character, not yours.

One day at a time, yet when all is said and done you'll still land on your feet.

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Well first of all well done for leaving him! No doubt it was a very hard decision to make, especially because you have a child together. What he was doing to you was extremely disrespectful and wrong because you were about to have a baby together and instead of focusing on you and starting a family, he was talking to all those other women. The emotional cheating may have turned (or did turn) into actual physical cheating. You don't deserve that, you can do much better. It's good you're civil for your daughter though and she still has a relationship with her father. I hope you find a good guy who treats you and your daughter well.

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35 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

Well first of all well done for leaving him!

I agree. Well done for leaving him! That was a strong, brave move on your part. I know it doesn't feel this way at the moment, but you have now made yourself available for a relationship with a decent, loyal man who isn't a sneaky little liar.

This is an important thing to understand and remember. You should keep it around and look at it often to remind yourself:

19 hours ago, lostandhurt said:

You aren't the one that is broken or unlovable, he is.  Cheaters cheat to fill a void, a void not because of anything you did or didn't do or provide.  The void is within them and was there probably before you met.  They cheat to try and make themselves feel better about who they are or how they see themselves.  They are broken and use people to feel better about their life and who they are.  Using others is what they do along with lying to themselves and anyone they need to so they can keep kidding themselves that what they are doing isn't wrong.

 

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22 hours ago, LoreliFinn said:

they are too scared to confront the fact their needs aren't being met.  Maybe attention, sex, support.  So they go off and look for women who are open to them and accepting.

I don't agree with this line of thought.  Speaking as someone who's husband had emotional affairs, it's not me that's an issue, and trust me, the women were toe up, and I'm not saying that to be a jerk, but oof, yikes.   You can be an amazing badass wife, lover, mother.   It's the tip of the iceberg is what you got to see, but in underneath the tip of it all is a vastness of whatever.  Either way, it comes down to the cheater being 100% SELFISH.

Don't blame yourself any further.  It happens a lot, and take a long time to heal from it.  Whatever you do though, practice self-care!!! And lean on friends and family.

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