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I’ve been with my partner 8 years. We live with my Mom who is 76, and have since start of relationship. I’m 53. He’s 59. We both have good jobs. He is a carpenter. I do clerical. 
We do not have a mortgage. We pay all the misc bills, gas, electric, etc. and grocery shop. It balances out, helping Mom as she’s not able to get around very well. 
Here is my issue, my partner takes on a lot of side jobs for others, to make extra cash, for our future he says. There are things I would like taken care of in the home, I’m always put on the back burner. Will do when gets time. And it seems to drag on waiting. Am I wrong to make a fuss that he constantly puts others before our home. I look at like, we are living an easy life, no mortgage, which is saving us tons. It’s not as if he’s hurting for money and needs to work beyond his job. Why can’t he take care of things here before taking on something else. Return the favor.
We are getting married, and will take over the home from my Mom. As this is her wish. However, he wants to take no mortgage out, considering our ages, and what not. In the end, he may have to go elsewhere and take out a mortgage anyhow! Lol! It’s pretty much the way of life. 
 

Am I asking to much that my projects get done before the others, in which he gets paid for.  

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I have a couple of thoughts for this...

1) he may still feel as though he needs to get more money.. any way possible.. even though you feel he doesn't.. ( you know.. man's way to 'provide').

2) he may feel obligated to do things for others... one who 'helps' too much.. then yeah, makes you feel like your place sits in the back burner.

Maybe have a good talk with him ... ask him why he doesn't want to do anything around the home?

I know, from my own perspective, I am often willing to kick in & help other's (when I feel like it), so, am more productive out of home, than at home sometimes.. Almost like I see all that needs done here as a 'chore' 😕 .

Hard to say what is up with him... but unless he explains himself.. who know..

Is he decent with you all?  Does he communicate okay?

 

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If there is no mortgage now why will there be one in the future?  I think this issue is different than him doing chores for others.

He should do things at home first, since he lives there and will continue to live there.  However if you cant get him to do that, then be prepared fora life of always helping others before he helps you.  Decide if you want to live like that or not.

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We communicate pretty well. And have spoke on this, the side jobs to make money, he basically says his customers don’t like to wait either. I only try to make a point, we are able to live here and not being charged, why can’t he do some of the projects wanting done here. Scratch my back and I will scratch yours. I’m only asking because I can’t see it as he does, and looking for others opinion to help me understand. And if I am unfair in my thinking. I see it as things here aren’t important as he’s not getting paid to do them. 
 

As for the mortgage, I have 2 siblings and when Mom is no longer with us, the house has to be sold and split in 3 ways. We want to remain in the house, so I would have to pay siblings off.  

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Are you common law? 

I wonder if he's being careful right now as he has no claim to the house. It's your mom's house, and then it will go to you and your siblings, right? So he'd be putting work into a house that is not his in any way. And paying the bills and helping your mom is "rent", right? As far as the agreement you have? 

So it would make sense for him to save money if you plan on marrying, and if he plans on co owning the home with you. He'd need to pitch in something, right? And he says he doesn't want to mortgage. 

Just brainstorming. 

 

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Maybe you should ask him to 'set aside' a bit of time to help you out around there (eg one week a month).  And he can help others other times.

It can't be that he is ALWAYS out & busy, is it?

Eg.  If deck needs painted, ask him to set a week to arrange to deal with that.... hedges need trimming, ask that he set aside a Saturday or something. To 'aim' as something specific.

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If he does help , he should be free to do it voluntarily not told to do so. What kinds of jobs are these? Can you do them on your own? How satisfying would it be to pick up a drill and hammer and just go about it yourself?

 

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If you two are living for free, why can't you hire a contractor or whatever people you need to get the job done.

You're not married and it's not his property. Whatever work you do on the house will simply get lost in the shuffle when your mother passes away and you have to divide up her estate.

Ask him to move out. This way you can take care of yourself and your mother and he can take care of himself and his business.

That's what you two are doing anyway.

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Since you're saving a ton of money by not paying rent, use some of it to hire someone to do the work. You've requested it from him, and he won't do it even if you think he's in the wrong.

After 8 years together, why now, do you want to get married? Does he take good care of you when you're sick? Does he come to your aid in an emergency? Does he do his fair share of housework? Does he meet your emotional and physical needs? 

A partner won't always behave how you wish. You will have to decide if this will cause too much bitterness in the relationship for it to go on, or if it's something you will have to let slide and seek out other solutions because the relationship is good in all other ways.

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21 hours ago, itsallgrand said:

Are you common law? 

I wonder if he's being careful right now as he has no claim to the house. It's your mom's house, and then it will go to you and your siblings, right? So he'd be putting work into a house that is not his in any way. And paying the bills and helping your mom is "rent", right? As far as the agreement you have? 

So it would make sense for him to save money if you plan on marrying, and if he plans on co owning the home with you. He'd need to pitch in something, right? And he says he doesn't want to mortgage. 

Just brainstorming. 

 

My thoughts exactly. He has no claim to the house so maybe he feels the responsibility of looking after the house is down to you and your siblings. Maybe he sees his responsibility is earning as much as he can now so that when you have money from the house, he will have money from his saved earnings. That way you can both put money into a new home together.

Edited by Blue68
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He doesn't own the home yet...so he may not even want it or doesn't like the house but would rather sell it.

He is dedicating his time to making money. It's not feasible for him to stop making extra money and spend his time on a house he doesn't own or possibly want to stay in.

If it's just cosmetic, leave it. If you are talking reno, it may not be worth it value wise for resale.

 

 

Edited by smackie9
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