My friend and I met the same guy

[abitbroken]

12 hours ago, Doubles said:

I met a guy onlline a year ago - we got on great, but he said he was just out of a relationship and wasn't ready, so took his profile down. After Covid etc, we both found ourselves back online and reconnected and met. We got on exceptionally well and he said he wanted to see me again. He reiterated this by messages the following days - then comm stopped. He ended up saying he didn't want to take things further.  Then that night I was talking with my bestie who was also online, and I asked how the dating was going. She ended up meeting him in the past couple of days and he's asked to see her again.

He's chosen her instead of me! I'm obviously out of the picture because of what he's told me, but I still feel resentful that she's continuing on. I'm confident if they didn't meet, I'd be continuing with him.

Did you actually go on dates with this guy the first time --- i just get the vibe that you chatted online, he never met you in person or met you once and then he said he wasn't ready.  

The second time you actually went on ONE date.

Honestly, i would say that you should not hold anything against your friend.  If you guys were all in the same volunteer group - social group, etc, I can see a friend stepping aside for another friend - but to him you were two separate women and he had no clue that you knew eachother and she and him had a stronger connection.

I mean, he knew what you were about the first time, and chose not to continue with you - whether he actually would have dated you if he was over his ex or used that as a kind let down, and the second time around, he already knew a bit about you going into it so didn't need to go out with you 2, 3, 4 times to know if there was a connection.

That is my take. Your friend is not crappy -  if you were in the same friend's group, she would be, but she didn't know him and you can't MAKE a guy like one over the other.

 

They could have more in common, she could be more his tip or whatever

 

 

 

 

 

[lostandhurt]

You may have met a year ago but it sounds like you didn't even go on one date with him. Correct me if I am wrong please.  So he didn't dump you since you were not a couple or even dating yet, you were in the meeting getting to know you stage and you were both free to pursue others.

He didn't ghost you because he told you he didn't want to take things further so it isn't like he did anything wrong, he just met someone he liked more is all and it happened to be your friend.

  Online dating it tough and your friend is probably happy she met someone.  Should she or shouldn't she date him is her choice as you have stated but it still stings either way.  If she decided to stop seeing him because of you then you are still out of the picture with him so why not take the high road and try and be happy for her.  It will take some effort but in the end it will all work out.

  It isn't like she snaked some dude at the bar while you were in the bathroom, it was just a coincidence.

When you meet a new guy this will all fade away.

Be happy for her and yes back off while you accept what has happened.  

Lost 

[abitbroken]

1 hour ago, lostandhurt said:

Y

  Online dating it tough and your friend is probably happy she met someone.  Should she or shouldn't she date him is her choice as you have stated but it still stings either way.  If she decided to stop seeing him because of you then you are still out of the picture with him so why not take the high road and try and be happy for her.  It will take some effort but in the end it will all work out.

 

Good point. Its not an either or. its not his first and second choice.  He chose to see where things go with the friend. 

[SherrySher]

I dunno though, I always try to put myself into the other persons shoes in order to try to see all sides of a situation.

Would I keep dating some random guy after I found out he had taken my best friend out and decided he wasn't interested but then moved onto me?

I mean, you could...no rules saying you can't. But if she's sitting there hurt and sad, it's not going to feel good, at least it wouldn't to me.

I would rather tell this guy that although it was nice to meet him, I'd prefer to not continue on.

Then go and meet someone else who has no history with me or my best friend, and meanwhile, check to see that my best friend is okay.

I guess everyone's different.

[Wiseman2]

Your friend doesn't read minds or have a crystal ball. She also can't stay cloistered away from dating in the off chance that you met some guy once for coffee.

[catfeeder]

Awww, big (((HUG))) to you.

I know it's a knee jerk reaction to personalize this because of your friend, but there are some mental ways that we can de-personalize rejection for our own benefit in order to build resilience for dating.

I wish someone could have taught me to understand the natural odds against hitting it off with every guy I liked and wished would like me back in the same way. 

I needed to learn on my own how RARE a true match--a good match--is supposed to be.

If love were NOT rare, what would be so special about it?

With millions of people in the world, each with vision through a unique lens, the chances of someone owning the capacity to see and appreciate our unique value through the RIGHT lens are pretty small.

And that's your screening device, and it's valuable.

Holding out for the RIGHT match matters sooo much. You deserve to find true simpatico with someone who 'gets' you. So whenever someone demonstrates that he is not that person, let him pass early. This frees you to keep searching instead of wasting time you'll never get back.

You get to decide how big or how small the disappointment of passes 'must' be. If you're working in your own favor, you'll minimize their importance and line up Mr. Next to go meet.

Keep meeting and meeting until your strike YOUR match. Take breaks when you need them to regroup and refresh, then go back to meeting and meeting.

Meanwhile, others will keep doing the same, and yes--they'll either synch or swim in some of the same waters you've tried out. That's about them, not you. You have our OWN path to follow, and I wouldn't get too distracted by anyone else's. It's a waste of your focus.

I also wouldn't harm a friendship with anyone who matters to me over my own mis-matches. You were smart not to try to influence her choice to keep seeing someone she'd just met and was excited about. Let that play out as it will, and you will thank yourself later, regardless of the outcome.

Staying focused on finding your own true match will put this in your rear view mirror, and you'll only need to put your eyes on it when you want to stagnate or go backwards instead of FORward.

Head high.

[Batya33]

17 hours ago, Capricorn3 said:

That's my thoughts exactly.  If it was purely coincidence that they met and she wasn't aware that you knew him too then neither one of them did anything wrong (imo). It's not like they planned to stab you in the back.  Wish them well and move on.  No point in wasting time and energy on angry and bitter feeling and being resentful.  All that does is hold you back and make you miserable, and what for?  No-one did anything wrong.

I agree with this.  My friends and I often encountered and interacted with the same guys when we wer on dating sites.  Two of them lied about their ages to me.  Dealbreaker for me.  Not for two of my friends -one married one of them, the other dated the other one for years until he kept leading her on as far as getting married and then she discovered his porn addiction.  I told both factually that they'd lied about their ages and that is why I didn't meet them. They also lied to my friends.  Who did not care.  I didn't tell my friends not to date them.

[kim42]

I'm not sure if I could date someone who was interested in my friends, sorry that this happened to you. Try to focus on yourself, and go on dates with other guys.

[smackie9]

For me this happened a lot growing up. When they choose someone else I moved on quickly. Plenty of other guys to check out. You have to learn to stop letting your emotions get involved.

[1a1a]

I might have missed something in the telling but it seems like he lost interest and then he let you know. The letting you know part is painfully rare these days and the fact that he did instead of ghosting or stringing you along would fall under the category for good treatment for me. 
 

Still always a bummer to be rejected, and worse when the person chooses someone else in your world. 

[Tanzi]

Unfortunately this is one of the perils of online dating, especially if you and your friend are on the same dating sites and dating local guys. 
 

There was a time in the past when a friend and I would hear from the same guys. We never took it personally as they were only using the dating site as intended - as were we. Fortunately, we had a different taste in men so we would never pursue the same guy but it’s easy to see how it can happen. 

If this guy was arranging to meet other women (regardless of who they were) then he evidently wasn’t ready to jump all in with you. To be fair, once he knew he had clicked with someone else, he was upfront about not wanting to take things further with you. The fact that the other woman is you friend is sucky but no-one has done anything wrong here. I admit that I would feel odd pursuing a guy who had once been interested in my friend but if they are really into each other then you can’t blame them for wanting to pursue it either. 

[Batya33]

My friends and I went to parties and clubs when we were in our 20s-30s in the 1980s/90s and would like the same guy - not just about online dating sites. When we were contacted by the same guys on dating sites it was a plus because we could compare notes.

[Tanzi]

16 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

My friends and I went to parties and clubs when we were in our 20s-30s in the 1980s/90s and would like the same guy - not just about online dating sites. When we were contacted by the same guys on dating sites it was a plus because we could compare notes.

Absolutely! 

[Tinydance]

This has happened to before too and I understand it sucks. To be honest I don't think you really had a choice except to say to your friend that it's OK to date this guy. I guess the right thing for her to do once she found out you had a date with that guy too would be to ask if you're OK with her dating him. But I think then you'd have to basically say it's fine because you weren't really dating him and to forbid her to would probably seem selfish. Because you only met that guy once and nothing really happened. Maybe him and your friend can actually have a good connection and like each other but if you stopped them they'd miss out on being happy with the person they like. Don't take it personally though that this guy liked your friend more than you. It really doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you but it's just that chemistry or spark that we can't explain.

[limichelle]

I used to have a rule with my friends when I was young. That if we both liked the same guy we both didn’t pursue. It was out of respect and it was a golden rule. It’s not worth ruining the friendship over. However that was if we saw the guy and liked him at the same time. 
 

unfortunately in your case it’s a bit different. It sounds like an unfortunate coincidence that you both happened to stumble upon him in different times without knowing it.  So I don’t feel she is doing anything wrong.  It hurts and I get that. But you need to ask yourself if this is something you can be happy for her. Because the guy really wasn’t yours and she didn’t steal him from you. If anything it’s two people who share a connection and you who has taken a liking. 
 

I say find another guy and one that’s right for you.

 

 

[Jibralta]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

When we were contacted by the same guys on dating sites it was a plus because we could compare notes.

This is a great way to frame the situation. 

I get that it was unexpected and awkward. But the two of you are friends, and he is truly a stranger. Don't let a random dude get between you.

[daryan12s]

Don't you think that he can do the same with your friend as he does with you? If I were you, I would not spoil a relationship with your friend you have known for longer and much better than this guy. I think you are a great girl and you will find yourself a decent guy. Good luck to you!