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My friend and I met the same guy


Doubles
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I met a guy onlline a year ago - we got on great, but he said he was just out of a relationship and wasn't ready, so took his profile down. After Covid etc, we both found ourselves back online and reconnected and met. We got on exceptionally well and he said he wanted to see me again. He reiterated this by messages the following days - then comm stopped. He ended up saying he didn't want to take things further.  Then that night I was talking with my bestie who was also online, and I asked how the dating was going. She ended up meeting him in the past couple of days and he's asked to see her again.

He's chosen her instead of me! I'm obviously out of the picture because of what he's told me, but I still feel resentful that she's continuing on. I'm confident if they didn't meet, I'd be continuing with him.

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5 minutes ago, Doubles said:

Am I being silly?? I know he clearly liked me.

It's not so much the guy I am concerned about, but how can this be your "best friend", if she knew you liked this guy and yet went out with him?

Seems pretty cold to me. 

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Did she knew you liked the guy? If yes, then pretty sucky friend. If not, well, its not her fault for going out but her not taking an issue that he go out with both? Yeah, not so good friend...

17 minutes ago, Doubles said:

I'm confident if they didn't meet, I'd be continuing with him.

Would you even want to after what happened? He has gone out with you and your apparent best friend, its safe to say he isnt such good guy you think he is.

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20 minutes ago, Doubles said:

 I was talking with my bestie who was also online, and I asked how the dating was going. She ended up meeting him in the past couple of days and he's asked to see her again.

Sorry this happened. After one date everyone is still talking to and meeting others. 

Is it a coincidence that they met? How do you three know each other?

Or does he know she's your friend or did she know you went on a date with him?

It's unclear from the way you wrote it.

 Just move forward and talk to and meet other guys. You'll find someone better and your friend can date this flake.

He's clearly not a good match for you. Unfortunately one-and-done meetings are very common. 

Edited by Wiseman2
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Yes, it was a coincidence and it's all unfortunate circumstances  - it's just I come off as the loser. She met him 3 days after I caughr up with him, and that's when he went quiet on me.  But when she met him. He obviously enjoyed their first date and thought to dump me and pursue her in the process, without realising she was my friend   Everyone knows now and she's seen him a couple more times since.  The way I see it, I don't have any options with him as he changed his mind on me. I can't stop her continuing to see him, or she'd resent that. But there is a bit of resentment on my part that she opted to go forward,  and I don't think highly of him for boldly changing his mind and calling a judgement on me after one date with her.

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That's what I mean...if she knows now that you met him and liked him and he basically dumped you, but she still continues to date him.

 That's not a good friend. (imho)

Yes, I know she doesn't have to stop dating him for your sake, but I think any good friend would..especially a best one.

Why on earth would she continue on with him once she knew you were hurt in the whole situation?

Besides it's really awkward now that he's dated you both.

If that were my best friend...he'd be gone and I wouldn't think twice about it.

You have a right to feel upset.

As for him dumping you for her, yes, that would definitely sting.

But if that's how he treats you, then you don't need him and he's is no where near the right guy for you.

What to do now?

Forget him, don't look back. Go back to the dating site, and find other eligible men who may match better with you.

Have a heart to heart with your friend, tell her it does make it awkward since the guy she's dating didn't treat you very well.

Even if she doesn't do anything about it, at least you voiced your feelings.

But me personally, I would honestly consider what kind of friend she actually is.

Best friends would always care about your feelings and even more so, would be upset if someone hurt you the way this guy did.

Edited by SherrySher
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It does suck. I'm sorry. I'd try to just move on... meet someone better.  make a mental note that friendship does not trump guys with this friend. hang with some other friends for a while. Don't be their little ego boost.  if you know what I mean. 

Edited by Lambert
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Thanks both... yes, probably more upset that I know I wouldn't have done that to her. I'm not that desperate to be with someone that I'd hurt my friend in the process.  But I also knew I would feel shocking if I caused unhappiness for her when their attraction was mutual, so i didn't want her to not go forward because I asked her not to.   I would've preferred her to choose to not go forward because she realised it wasn't the right thing to do.  I stepped back and allowed it to happen, but she really didn't do the right thing by me.

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Just now, Doubles said:

Thanks both... yes, probably more upset that I know I wouldn't have done that to her. I'm not that desperate to be with someone that I'd hurt my friend in the process.  But I also knew I would feel shocking if I caused unhappiness for her when their attraction was mutual, so i didn't want her to not go forward because I asked her not to.   I would've preferred her to choose to not go forward because she realised it wasn't the right thing to do.  I stepped back and allowed it to happen, but she really didn't do the right thing by me.

Unfortunately in my youth this happened to me.  ugh. but you know what? looking back, the guy was not  that great and I did learn the hard why what my 'best friend was really like. 

It's easy to be a best friend when you're having a good time.  It's when the friend has to choose you, it's when you see...

Hang in there. This guy is not the end all be all decision maker on your value. 

I'm sure there are guys that would choose you over her any day of the week. 

keep it in perspective. ❤

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You barely know him he is gonna do the same thing to her he’s on there to hook up with girls... if ur friend feel for it after u told her that then it has nothing to do with u she has no self respect... she knows what kinda guy he is an don’t care! So when he does the same tell her don’t come crying to me! 

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That's what dating is all about...you met and talk with others. He just did that and picked your friend. He ended it with you, before continuing on with your friend. It wasn't like he was sleeping with the both of you for months. He didn't do anything wrong. A little butt hurt? sure anyone would feel disappointed. Don't let this get your nose bent out of shape for too long.

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It sounds like your ego is a little bruised but I don't follow your thinking. It presumes that this man is a catch which he may not be at all.

You need to change the way you think of the people you date or see especially this early as you may be viewing them through a lens that's too narrow. Do you usually ignore red flags or stick to one person no matter what even if that person treats you badly? This man changed his mind only and was honest about that. Actually he was quite civil and upfront about it which is good. If he's dating your friend, that leaves you with more time and clears your schedule to meet other dates and other men who are much more into you. Who cares what they do? Let them be happy.

You're a bit too attached and territorial over this person you hardly know. I would be more curious to know why. Aren't you curious about this behaviour and understanding why you feel this way? Something to reflect on maybe.

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I dunno. I could never date a man that dated or is dating someone I know. That's a major turn off and I'd just stop liking him right away. 

Plenty of fish in the sea! One leaves another one better will come along. 

 

It's ok to feel disappointed, if you had hopes, but nothing you can do about it now. This is how life decided to play out and it happened for a reason. 

Feel better! 

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You have to remember, it's OLD. The chances of talking to the same person are pretty good.

Me, if he was hot enough, may the best girl win. In time you realize it's not really a matter of "being better" it usually a matter of their taste in what they are looking for. Your friend just so happen to tick off more of those boxes. Just be glad that guys are willing/interested enough to ask you out. There are those that can't even get a guy to look at them.

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2 hours ago, Doubles said:

Yes, it was a coincidence - it's just I come off as the loser. 

Loser of what? One-and-done dates are an unfortunate reality of online dating.

You need to expand your dating pool a bit and find better matches for yourself.

If she had no idea and he had no idea what are you having this meltdown about? 

You make it sound like your "bestie" and your one-time-meet cheated on you and slept together. Get a handle on things.

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3 hours ago, Doubles said:

Yes, it was a coincidence and it's all unfortunate circumstances  - it's just I come off as the loser.

You are not a loser.  It's probably just that he felt something clicked better with her.

Never compare yourself to anyone else.  We're all different.  if it's not there, it's not. 

You two were not actually 'dating'.  Just met up once. People are free to date whomever they choose to. 

I understand it kinda hurts.. but respectfully leave them be.  No one knows IF they are even compatible.  But, he made his choice here.. leave him to it.

 

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It was a little more than a first date, there was a 12m history. There were some red flags that came up for me as I was getting to know him, that I was keen to explore and see if they were genuine red flags or not.  I have expressed that I didn't want her to miss out on happiness and said to her that they should continue - I knew she would resent me otherwise.  I had been ok with it for for past week, but got a pang when she said things were going really well. I have no doubt I will be over it tomorrow. I just know, right or wrong, I wouldve struggled to continue if the shoe was on the other foot.

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15 minutes ago, Doubles said:

There were some red flags that came up for me as I was getting to know him and said to her that they should continue.

I have no doubt I will be over it tomorrow. 

This is your friend? You have 12 mos of "red flags" accumulated and told her to continue? 

And how do you know it "it will be over tomorrow"?  Seems more like frenemies or a catfight, no?

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No Wiseman... now you're being presumptuous. The red flags only came up when I saw him recently. And I shared those with her, but was aware she might not see them the same way and needs to uncover the things she wants to. What I see as a red flag is not something to make an assumption or judgement on, but something to explore and determine if it really is one. I always take heed of them, but alot of other people don't.

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It's one thing if you two were in a serious relationship, and you broke up...but after one date, I would 100% wish them the best, and move on.  Don't sweat over a man who didn't pick you.  It doesn't make you a loser.  There's no competition in the love game.  What fits, what's right, that takes time to discover, and there was something between each other that they want to pursue.

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It's probably getting a bit too close for comfort. Draw more boundaries. Your friend is allowed to date whomever she wants and she's a grown woman. She can hold her own so leave your opinions out of it this early. Let her come to you if she has any issues. 

If you sensed any red flags also, hold your tongue because it could backfire. You could be wrong. 12 months is not enough to know someone, especially someone you weren't seeing regularly. It might have also given you a false sense of security and understanding about who this person was. 

Step back and let them date and figure themselves out. Take your mind off of this, chat with other friends, engage with other activities and interests, meet other people. You are being kind and protective but you don't have to be. It won't be understood that way either and you'll come across as bitter or meddlesome. Let this go.

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9 hours ago, smackie9 said:

That's what dating is all about...you met and talk with others. He just did that and picked your friend. He ended it with you, before continuing on with your friend. It wasn't like he was sleeping with the both of you for months. He didn't do anything wrong. A little butt hurt? sure anyone would feel disappointed. Don't let this get your nose bent out of shape for too long.

That's my thoughts exactly.  If it was purely coincidence that they met and she wasn't aware that you knew him too then neither one of them did anything wrong (imo). It's not like they planned to stab you in the back.  Wish them well and move on.  No point in wasting time and energy on angry and bitter feeling and being resentful.  All that does is hold you back and make you miserable, and what for?  No-one did anything wrong.

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