My mans inappropriate friendship

[SherrySher]

7 minutes ago, DancingFool said:

As for you threatening to leave him and being shocked that he didn't run home to stop you.... Most healthy people will not, OP.

True. It's no use threatening. Either leave and make sure you mean it, or accept how he is behaving.

Personally, I would have left him. I wouldn't deal with a man who is lusting after a young girl right in front of your eyes.

I know he says he wasn't, but I think you'd be hard pressed to find anyone who believed his answer.

[smackie9]

If my SO was saying things like that, First I would go throw up, and realize I have been sleeping with and emotionally invested in a sexual deviant, then pack my stuff up, jump in my truck, and drive into the sunset.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Nichole0787 said:

No if I thought they were sleeping together I’d be gone! 

Why wait for that? Based on your vulgar description of him and his vulgar communication, why not just reflect if you want to bother with him further?

[SooSad33]

5 hours ago, Nichole0787 said:

My bf has a inappropriate relationship she is 20 he is 43 she is his friends daughter has known her most her life they lived down the rd.. they never talked while we have been together til she moved in down the street renting her moms house... he makes comments about her like she’s hot he wants to *** her got upset when I didn’t think she was hot then I find out at 16 her asked to see her nipple rings an I got pissed he was saying I wanna take her to a daddy daughter dance she is 20 an just odd

Like you said... it is innappropriate!

he shows a real lack of respect 😕 .

So.. HE asked to see her nipple ring a few yrs ago... and how 'hot' she is & he'd like to go further?? 😮 

Idiot.

Not sure how long YOU have been with this guy - but he's lacking in maturity & respect.

You are seriously bothered by this.. and his reaction was how he could make you feel better?  What's done is done.

He can't take back what he said or how he's reacting to her.

So... is up to you on if you can handle this guy.  Is his talk/ idea's acceptable to you?

 

[boltnrun]

Yeah, my ex denied it too. He railed at me for being jealous of "a 12 year old". But he was in love with her and I knew it. He too jumped to do things for her. And her boyfriend (his own nephew!) was usually present too. But they managed to sneak time together.

I think you're trying to bury your head in the sand because you want to hold onto this guy. But you can't deny what's right in front of you.

Let me tell you, it was humiliating to be dumped for that young girl. I should have left him as soon as I figured out how much he wanted her. But I didn't. It was a terrible thing to go through. I don't recommend waiting around for the same thing to happen to you.

[Rose Mosse]

4 hours ago, Nichole0787 said:

I did he said I’m not attracted to her an would never hook up with her if the opportunity presented itself single or with me... he said she is a pretty young girl... and normally I wouldn’t care when he says that about other girls but him dropping *** to help them is pissing me off and the stuff he said especially since he told me she showed him her nipple rings when she was younger... Idk it just pisses me off

Are you here to vent? I know what pissed off means. You can choose to do something about this or continue to hurt your own health raging and fuming quietly. That wrecks your immune system over time and you'll tire yourself out in the process. From your posts, it doesn't sound like you're ready to call it quits on this relationship but I hope that his behaviour helps you think through what you might want out of a long term or serious relationship. 

Most of his behaviour is dismissive and disrespectful. You choose your own life so you can choose to leave or you can choose to stay. Be mindful of the effects of staying and what it's doing to you in the meantime.

[BecxyRex]

I mean, he’s not prioritizing your relationship. You made it known that you don’t like his behavior, but he’s not doing anything to change it. You’re not married and don’t have children, but “only” 4 years under the belt. At this point, the decision would be pretty simple for me personally. 

[LootieTootie]

Well I don't know why you just don't go over there with him or go walk with the dog with them too... unless it's obvious they don't want you around messing up a good opportunity for them to hook up.

[abitbroken]

Its okay for a man to think in his head that a woman is attractive.  But gentleman's don't tell their ladies about what woman they found attractive but would never do anything with.  So he's not a gentleman first of all.

Second of all, there are certain people off limits.  guys i used to babysit (the age gap would be no issue now because we would only be 5 years apart as adults, lets say, but still it would never cross my mind because they are the kid i babysat even if he is a gorgeous 40 year old man now), kids of your friends, etc. 

to me it sounds like he did the "countdown to her being legal" in his head and that's skeevy. 

I think you should break up.  Although technically she is legal, its disrespectful to you at the very outset and he doesn't care. Honestly, I would move some of

but the other thing i would almost be tempted to do is to tell him "oh, i think you should tell (name of his friend) how you feel about (friends daughter) and see how it goes!"  Either the friend is a skeev and would want his friend to be his BIL OR what i would hope is that he is a protective dad and flattens him.  I hope its the latter. 

 i would leave. Who cares about the couches. But if you do not have another car besides a jointly owned one, that's an issue that you need to figure out. I'd take anything important to you to your parents or sisters or a storage unit and get the heck out of there. He has proven he won't change. 

 

 

 

 

 

[Batya33]

9 hours ago, Nichole0787 said:

hes an amazing guy I don’t know many girls that get treated as god as he treats me this

A person with an amazing character and values would never ever say that about another person let alone a young woman.

[abitbroken]

30 minutes ago, LootieTootie said:

Well I don't know why you just don't go over there with him or go walk with the dog with them too... unless it's obvious they don't want you around messing up a good opportunity for them to hook up.

If a woman feels she has to "mark her territory" then he's not worth

[lostandhurt]

What does his friend think about the comments he has made about his daughter?

Either way this guy is no prince and does not respect you or he wouldn't feel so comfortable saying what he says right to your face.

  Given the chance he would bang his buddies daughter in a second then stop and buy you flowers on the way home.

  No respect = no true love

Lost

[LotusBlack]

You said your bf is 43 and this girl is 20. How old are you, OP? I’m not trying to be rude here, but the way you are talking feels like you are also fairly young, at least emotionally.

This is not the right relationship for you. You said your bf is amazing, but carrying out “amazing” gestures does not excuse or mitigate predatory, questionable behaviour. He has no respect for this girl, no respect for you and your relationship together, and certainly no self respect. Any person with self respect and self worth would not go about the place talking of other women in this manner, let alone those whom he has known since they were children. Furthermore, you have implied several times that he comments about other women/girls in this way and you usually don’t care, as it is not close to home. But this girl  does hit close to home. His behaviour isn’t isolated, which means this is part of his character and it’s disgusting. Don’t disregard all the other perverted things he says just because it isn’t in your face like this girl is.

My first serious relationship had an 18 year age gap. We met when I was of age and he certainly never spoke in any kind of improper or disrespectful way. And context and background also matters. From what I have read, this guy is just disgusting. Sorry.

[catfeeder]

On 6/18/2021 at 9:42 AM, Nichole0787 said:

He says he will make her not around rn so I can get over this an then keep it short an simple! But idk if that really gonna happen! Even if it does I’m still hurt about everything that’s the main thing! Idk how to get over it an move on from it ya know!

I'm so sorry you're hurting. Sure, it's a shock to be so taken for granted by someone we love who has otherwise treated us well. Sometimes the people closest to us can hurt us the most.

But your quote above is your starting point if you want to try to reset this relationship.

He has said that he will curb his time with her. So I'd do my own part and back off on playing up the wound. That creates the neutral space and time to wait and see how this plays out.

Backing off on the hurt is smart in two ways: it gives you enough distance from your preoccupation with it to stop drilling a deeper hole to climb out of, and it gives him the benefit of doubt in which to operate with a motivation to keep it that way.

Otherwise, you'll just give him a lose/lose. He cuts himself off from the excitement of building new friendships with old friend and her BF, even while he only gets a mopey and sad partner at home. That's not a good trade-off for him, so it won't stick.

Negotiation is about trading something of value to you in an exchange for something of value to him. So give him the value of your willingness to reset and refresh your interest in one another. By being 'all in' on that, you'll train your own mind away from dwelling on disappointment, even while you reward him for the change he's wiling to make.

If he blows it, then come back and let's deal with that bridge if you must cross it.

Head high, fingers crossed, and write more if it helps.

[Tanzi]

On 6/18/2021 at 2:58 PM, Nichole0787 said:

I did he said I’m not attracted to her an would never hook up with her if the opportunity presented itself single or with me... 

Yet he said he wanted to **** her and when she was 16 and he was, what, 39, he asked to see her nipple rings.
 

She isn’t the first, you say.

He sounds a real grimy sleaze ball. Yuck!! You need to want better than this.

 

He never begged you NOT to leave because he didn’t think for one moment you meant it. He knows you put up with his crap. 

 

[mrd410]

Honestly, they are probably sleeping together already. Sorry, but he sounds like a total douche and emotionally abusive and doesn't take account of your feelings. What is the reason that is holding you back from ending it?

[abitbroken]

On 6/19/2021 at 12:27 PM, catfeeder said:

He has said that he will curb his time with her. So I'd do my own part and back off on playing up the wound. That creates the neutral space and time to wait and see how this plays out.

Backing off on the hurt is smart in two ways: it gives you enough distance from your preoccupation with it to stop drilling a deeper hole to climb out of, and it gives him the benefit of doubt in which to operate with a motivation to keep it that way.

 

If the young woman was bringing the heat - calling him every day to help with something around the house and flirting and he was completely loyal to his girlfriend but totally clueless about the young lady's game (truly thought he was just helping her because of his friendship with the dad and wasn't 'reading' her interest or lack of boundaries), then less time with her and backing off the hurt would be excellent advice.

I do think in this case that in backing off on the young lady, he will find another young lady to fawn over (the whole nipple ring thing and his language about wanting to bonk her are making me err on the side of that it doesn't matter if he sees the young lady less - its not solving the issue either way)

Bottom line, i think this is a case of not choosing a man wisely - someone that has the OP's sensibilities on boundaries while in a relationship and who is off limits even if you were not dating (people under a certain age but someone whose diapers you likely had changed, to boot) AND the fact that he treats other women better than the one he is with.  I was married to one of those -- and  was expected to be the "cool wife"

[Fudgie]

On 6/18/2021 at 8:01 AM, Nichole0787 said:

Been together 4 years an nothing like this has ever been an issue... he’s had other girls that are friends that he does too much for in the start of us... I’ve been really happy he opens my door airways buys me flowers out the blue along with other things and our sex life is great but this *** been happening and really upsetting me like I Keep being mad and fighting with him about it! And Idk what to do I can’t figure  out my feelings and what I should do or need him to do to make me feel better!

Can you elaborate about the bolded? What do you mean by that? What did he do for these girls?

Holding up doors, buying flowers, etc. does not excuse poor behavior and boundaries on his part.