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My mans inappropriate friendship


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My bf has a inappropriate relationship she is 20 he is 43 she is his friends daughter has known her most her life they lived down the rd.. they never talked while we have been together til she moved in down the street renting her moms house... he makes comments about her like she’s hot he wants to *** her got upset when I didn’t think she was hot then I find out at 16 her asked to see her nipple rings an I got pissed he was saying I wanna take her to a daddy daughter dance she is 20 an just odd *** mind u we talk about other people when we’re bring sexual with each other but never someone we know I told him that wasn’t ok now I feel like he puts her first one example is I asked him to cook with me that’s something we love doing with each other he said no I’m busy I got *** to do in a real rude way hurt my feelings made me cry when he left the kitchen... then she comes down and he dropped what he had to do and did the *** she asked that took a long time few hrs... another time he told me I’m trying to finish what I gotta get done so I can come spend time with u I really am then she comes asks him to go for a walk with her an her dog  and  his dog... he dropped everything went for an HOUR walk... then goes and does her yard work to get a garden going after I told him I wasn’t cool with it when he was there I told him how upset I was threw text an said I’m ready to leave u I’m about done an says ok we can sell the car u can have the couches when I bring up it sux I spent all my money on this stuff how can I get my *** together... and he never came back to make me feel better or to say don’t leave... I know I’m not overreacting!!! We keep fighting about all this an more and he don’t get how I feel says I’m only upset cuz it’s her if it was anyone else’s it wouldn’t matter that’s crazy the issue is her an him putting her first! He wants to fix *** but he’s not doing anything to make me feel better Idk what to do to get past this an move on! An am I overreacting? I don’t think I am but I need someone else who is unbiased opinion!! Can u please help me with this? Idk what else to do right now!! Oh an btw he has put other girls b4 in the past this isn’t a first!

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If people are gonna comment saying please use proper paragraphs an punctuation don’t waste ur time! If u wanna help someone out who is very upset by giving your advice and maybe someone to talk to a vent to thank you! If ur only one here to be rude an criticize people you really need to find something better to do if it bothers you don’t read it an go to another post! I don’t understand people like that! I didn’t make u read my post and tell you I need your advice! I’m in need of anybody willing to!! There are plenty of people on the internet I’m sure I’ll find someone! Thanks!

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4 minutes ago, Nichole0787 said:

If people are gonna comment saying please use proper paragraphs an punctuation don’t waste ur time! If u wanna help someone out who is very upset by giving your advice and maybe someone to talk to a vent to thank you! If ur only one here to be rude an criticize people you really need to find something better to do if it bothers you don’t read it an go to another post! I don’t understand people like that! I didn’t make u read my post and tell you I need your advice! I’m in need of anybody willing to!! There are plenty of people on the internet I’m sure I’ll find someone! Thanks!

OP, you agreed to ENA rules when you registered.  Let me remind you of Rule 6:

"Please post in letter style. Use paragraphs, punctuation, and capital letters appropriately. Netspeak and shortcutting (b4, str8, etc) are difficult to read and not permitted in posts."

No-one is being rude (other than you), but if you want any decent responses, please have the courtesy to make your posts readable and understandable.

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55 minutes ago, Nichole0787 said:

My bf has a inappropriate relationship she is 20 he is 43

he makes comments about her like she’s hot he wants to *** her 

he asked to see her nipple rings 

How long have you been dating? If you think he's a pervert, just end it.

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Been together 4 years an nothing like this has ever been an issue... he’s had other girls that are friends that he does too much for in the start of us... I’ve been really happy he opens my door airways buys me flowers out the blue along with other things and our sex life is great but this *** been happening and really upsetting me like I Keep being mad and fighting with him about it! And Idk what to do I can’t figure  out my feelings and what I should do or need him to do to make me feel better!

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2 minutes ago, Nichole0787 said:

Been together 4 years an nothing like this has ever been an issue... he’s had other girls that are friends that he does too much for in the start of us.

he opens my door airways buys me flowers out the blue along with other things and our sex life is great 

It's unclear why he is claiming he wants to have sex with minors, look at children's nipple rings and go to daddy dances with teens. You believe this is ok because he opens doors and the sex is good?

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If you threatened to leave and he said, go ahead you can have the couches. that either means he isn't taking you seriously or he doesn't care.

Flowers and opening doors are nice but they're no replacement for respect. 

You're accepting this behavior by staying.  You're not going to change him.  He has to decide for himself. 

You are very emotional in your post. Are you also very emotional when you're communicating about this with him? If you act very emotional, threaten to leave a lot, he's probably not taking you seriously. 

I think to give you good advice, we need to know the background. Not just the ramblings of a person in distress. So don't get defensive and rude to people that are trying to help you by clarifying what your saying. 

Maybe it's just as hard for your guy to understand you.  You have to get your thoughts together and communicate, if you want to work things out. Not add fuel to the fire. 

Is that what you want? to work it out? Or do you want to leave but don't have the means? 

 

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It's ok to have a friend, but it would be rude texting in front of you and hanging out 1-2-1. Many many people are like this and just blame the other for being 'jealous' but it is BS...it's called being in a healthy relationship with healthy boundaries...

 

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She's not his "friend".

He's quite clearly sexually attracted to her and he is crossing boundaries.

Try to take a deep breath OP, try to relax and stay calm.

I know you're really upset right now and you have every right to be.

But losing control won't help anything.

I think somewhere in the back of your mind, you know that he is attracted to this girl.

You also know that nothing you do or say will change that, or make him stop what he's doing.

I know you have deep feelings for him and you are really hurt and disappointed over what he's doing and how he's behaving, but you do have to leave this man.

He is behaving badly. He is disrespecting you, disrespecting your relationship.

He is playing with fire and it's possible that before long, he could be cheating.

I don't think you should wait around for that to happen, I think the best thing you can do for yourself right now is to leave him.

You don't need a man who treats you this way, and you don't need to continue to suffer from how he's behaving.

I think most women would leave him as well, because it sounds like a nightmare to have to live with a partner who is continually crossing boundaries with a young neighbor.

I know it's going to be hard, and you'll go through a rough patch while you reorganize your life without him, but you won't find respect or happiness with him any longer.

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6 minutes ago, SherrySher said:

She's not his "friend".

He's quite clearly sexually attracted to her and he is crossing boundaries.

Try to take a deep breath OP, try to relax and stay calm.

I know you're really upset right now and you have every right to be.

But losing control won't help anything.

I think somewhere in the back of your mind, you know that he is attracted to this girl.

You also know that nothing you do or say will change that, or make him stop what he's doing.

I know you have deep feelings for him and you are really hurt and disappointed over what he's doing and how he's behaving, but you do have to leave this man.

He is behaving badly. He is disrespecting you, disrespecting your relationship.

He is playing with fire and it's possible that before long, he could be cheating.

I don't think you should wait around for that to happen, I think the best thing you can do for yourself right now is to leave him.

You don't need a man who treats you this way, and you don't need to continue to suffer from how he's behaving.

I think most women would leave him as well, because it sounds like a nightmare to have to live with a partner who is continually crossing boundaries with a young neighbor.

I know it's going to be hard, and you'll go through a rough patch while you reorganize your life without him, but you won't find respect or happiness with him any longer.

Well said @SherrySher

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34 minutes ago, Lambert said:

Flowers and opening doors are nice but they're no replacement for respect. 

Yup.  Everyone has their boundaries/comfort zone - I wouldn't go on a date with someone in the first place if he felt comfortable making those sorts of comments about women in my presence.  It's gross and creepy at least to me.  Putting aside "cheating" I mean - it would  be a dealbreaker for me.  I don't care how he knows her or how long.  The age difference only makes it worses.

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2 hours ago, Nichole0787 said:

My bf has a inappropriate relationship she is 20 he is 43 she is his friends daughter has known her most her life they lived down the rd.. they never talked while we have been together til she moved in down the street renting her moms house... he makes comments about her like she’s hot he wants to *** her got upset when I didn’t think she was hot then I find out at 16 her asked to see her nipple rings an I got pissed he was saying I wanna take her to a daddy daughter dance she is 20 an just odd *** mind u we talk about other people when we’re bring sexual with each other but never someone we know I told him that wasn’t ok now I feel like he puts her first one example is I asked him to cook with me that’s something we love doing with each other he said no I’m busy I got *** to do in a real rude way hurt my feelings made me cry when he left the kitchen... then she comes down and he dropped what he had to do and did the *** she asked that took a long time few hrs... another time he told me I’m trying to finish what I gotta get done so I can come spend time with u I really am then she comes asks him to go for a walk with her an her dog  and  his dog... he dropped everything went for an HOUR walk... then goes and does her yard work to get a garden going after I told him I wasn’t cool with it when he was there I told him how upset I was threw text an said I’m ready to leave u I’m about done an says ok we can sell the car u can have the couches when I bring up it sux I spent all my money on this stuff how can I get my *** together... and he never came back to make me feel better or to say don’t leave... I know I’m not overreacting!!! We keep fighting about all this an more and he don’t get how I feel says I’m only upset cuz it’s her if it was anyone else’s it wouldn’t matter that’s crazy the issue is her an him putting her first! He wants to fix *** but he’s not doing anything to make me feel better Idk what to do to get past this an move on! An am I overreacting? I don’t think I am but I need someone else who is unbiased opinion!! Can u please help me with this? Idk what else to do right now!! Oh an btw he has put other girls b4 in the past this isn’t a first!

Ew he sounds disgusting! Omg why are you even asking us about him? Dump him. He's disrespectful. 

 

He doesn't even deserve a post. What could we possibly tell you that you don't already know? You can't change him and I'm not sure anyone would want to change a pervert like that. 

 

 

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2 hours ago, Nichole0787 said:

If people are gonna comment saying please use proper paragraphs an punctuation don’t waste ur time! If u wanna help someone out who is very upset by giving your advice and maybe someone to talk to a vent to thank you! If ur only one here to be rude an criticize people you really need to find something better to do if it bothers you don’t read it an go to another post! I don’t understand people like that! I didn’t make u read my post and tell you I need your advice! I’m in need of anybody willing to!! There are plenty of people on the internet I’m sure I’ll find someone! Thanks!

I understand but punctuation makes it easier to understand. Long bulky paragraphs are hard to read. Even just a space would be helpful. 

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Threatening to leave but never actually leaving ensures he will never pay attention or respect you or take you seriously. 

How many times have you threatened to leave but didn't actually leave?

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Well I’ve never had any issues til this hes an amazing guy I don’t know many girls that get treated as god as he treats me this *** just happened... he has now apologized for hurting me but said he didn’t put me 2nd an that I’m over reacting cuz he goes an hangs out with them her an her bf... I’ve never cared b4 tho! And he says he only said that stuff cuz of how we play around in bed... I told him it wasn’t cool cuz it was too close to home for me... after that big fight 2 days ago when he didn’t even leave and said I’ll do whatever to make it easy for u. In reply to me leaving he has said I was mad an handled that wrong but it still happened his saying that don’t really fix what happened... and I don’t want to see her an her bf over hear at all to be honest and I don’t think I’m being crazy! But he keeps asking me what do I need to do to make this better! I have no idea I’m upset an don’t know what will Make me feel better! 
i know everyone is saying oh leave he don’t deserve a post but ur hearing the main fight points! Not everything else so it’s not that! He’s never lied to me he’s always honest even if I don’t like it like I said our relationship is like nothing I’ve seen b4! But this *** has me really upset especially cuz it’s him i would never expect this *** from him out of all people! 

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That was the only time an I was going to leave we ended up fighting til the next day an eventually we ended up being civil for a family function kinda got along but I was still hurt and the fight started back up again

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My ex was acting the same way about his nephew's girlfriend. Turns out they were sleeping together behind my back and behind his nephew's back. He ended up breaking up with me and she broke up with his nephew and she moved into his house.

I knew he was in love with her. I could see it. I too tried to pretend everything was fine but I knew it wasn't. 

Are you able to pretend you don't know just to stay with him?

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No if I thought they were sleeping together I’d be gone! I know the things they do her bf is usually always there too... I’m not really worried about him sleeping with her!  Everything that was said and done just really hurt me! That’s why I posted on here an asked what can he or I do to make me feel better! He says he will make her not around rn so I can get over this an then keep it short an simple! But idk if that really gonna happen! Even if it does I’m still hurt about everything that’s the main thing! Idk how to get over it an move on from it ya know!

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Ask him if he's attracted to her and if she gave him a chance, would he be with her.

Who knows if he will answer truthfully, but it would be interesting to see what he has to say about that.

I am trying to differentiate if he truly only sees her as a "kid" or if he was eyeing her up.

If it's the second one, that's more than a valid reason to leave him.

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22 minutes ago, Nichole0787 said:

Well I’ve never had any issues til this hes an amazing guy I don’t know many girls that get treated as god as he treats me this *** just happened... he has now apologized for hurting me but said he didn’t put me 2nd an that I’m over reacting cuz he goes an hangs out with them her an her bf... I’ve never cared b4 tho! And he says he only said that stuff cuz of how we play around in bed... I told him it wasn’t cool cuz it was too close to home for me... after that big fight 2 days ago when he didn’t even leave and said I’ll do whatever to make it easy for u. In reply to me leaving he has said I was mad an handled that wrong but it still happened his saying that don’t really fix what happened... and I don’t want to see her an her bf over hear at all to be honest and I don’t think I’m being crazy! But he keeps asking me what do I need to do to make this better! I have no idea I’m upset an don’t know what will Make me feel better! 
i know everyone is saying oh leave he don’t deserve a post but ur hearing the main fight points! Not everything else so it’s not that! He’s never lied to me he’s always honest even if I don’t like it like I said our relationship is like nothing I’ve seen b4! But this *** has me really upset especially cuz it’s him i would never expect this *** from him out of all people! 

That's your problem, you think he's the only decent man out there so you'll put up with his disgusting behavior. There is nothing good about a man that lusts for another woman. He wasn't even tactful about it. If you believe you cannot live without him or that you'll never find anyone better than him, or even believe that you'll be fine without him, you'll keep putting up with trash behavior.

Putting aside your relationship, this man is seriously perverted. He lacks boundaries and even self respect. Flowers and holding doors doesn't describe a man's character. 

Also, judging by your replies to people, you've constantly mentioned being consoled. You know it's ultimately your job to console yourself. We can only offer advice and some compassionate words but you have to find that inner strength inside. 

This is why babies are encouraged to learn how to self soothe. You have to believe that you were fine before you met this man and will be fine even if he is gone. 

 

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I did he said I’m not attracted to her an would never hook up with her if the opportunity presented itself single or with me... he said she is a pretty young girl... and normally I wouldn’t care when he says that about other girls but him dropping *** to help them is pissing me off and the stuff he said especially since he told me she showed him her nipple rings when she was younger... Idk it just pisses me off

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It seems that he has some kind of a crush on this girl and is putting her needs above yours. Understandably this is upsetting to you. Anyone would be upset if their partner started to act like a giddy teenager.

So what can you tell him on how to fix things between you? No more contact with this girl until he can act like an adult that he is and get over his crush. If he is willing to do that, then perhaps you can patch up and leave this episode behind you.

As for you threatening to leave him and being shocked that he didn't run home to stop you.... Most healthy people will not, OP. Important that you understand that and be careful that you don't threaten like that because many people will take you at your word and will not allow you to stay or change your mind.

You were bluffing, he called your bluff. He could have actually helped you pack your bags. I'll say this again - most people will not run after you and beg you to stay if you tell them that you want to leave. They will help you pack your bags and wish you the best. This has nothing to do with love or caring, it's about self respect. A person may love you with all their heart, but they respect themselves and if you threaten to leave, they will wave you good bye and never lower themselves into begging games and power struggles. If you are not happy with them, then go.

Most people see these kinds of threats as highly toxic behavior they want no part of.

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4 hours ago, Nichole0787 said:

he makes comments about her like she’s hot he wants to *** her

Are you sure he doesn't want to sleep with her? He flat out said he wants to! 

And you want to know how to be OK with this? Why? Because he bought you flowers a couple of times? That is such a low bar to set.

But if you want to stay with him anyway then you just have to be truly ok with his relationship with this young woman.

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