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Puggle555


Puggle5555
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I’ve been dating this guy since December. Anyway I found out a few days ago that he is still in contact with the last women he slept with even though he told me at the time that because of the way she reacted when he called things off he didn’t want anything to do with her.

They’re both going to a festival in September and she has offered him a lift with her and some friends. He’s now telling me that they’re friends but hardly ever speak but I just find this really odd. Am I over reacting? 

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1 hour ago, Puggle5555 said:

They’re both going to a festival in September and she has offered him a lift with her and some friends. 

Sorry this is happening.

If you two are dating why is he going with them rather than you?

Are you exclusive? It seems he likes a bunch of groupies around who he has casual sex with. 

Decide if you want to be one of them. Stop and reflect if this situation is worth the frustration of  pulling teeth to get the truth.

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So they both booked the festival last year when they were FWB. It got cancelled and changed to this year due to Covid 19. They weren’t supposed to be going together but apparently he can’t find a lift. 
 

it’s sold out, so I can’t go even if I wanted to. Festivals aren’t really my thing anyway. I don’t think I would have such an issue with it if he had just been honest from the beginning about them still being in contact. Ive offered to take him and his friend but he said no because that’s going out of my way.

 

 

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1 hour ago, Puggle5555 said:

I don’t think I would have such an issue with it if he had just been honest from the beginning about them still being in contact. Ive offered to take him and his friend but he said no because that’s going out of my way

Ok at 24 weeks dating it's good you are observing red flags such as lying and still hanging out with his fwbs.

Decide if it's worth sticking around for more lies and inappropriate nonsense with his fwbs around all the time.

Don't offer to be a chauffer for him and his harem. Do something better with your time such as getting a good profile and pics up on dating apps and meeting honest decent guys.

End it now or at the very latest, when he's off with his fwbs.

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Is it weird? Yes. I understand its booked way before but going with her there is a red flag. Surely there are many other ways for him to get there and not hang out with his ex or ex *** buddy or whatever. So, suspicious at least. So you can either trust him that he will not do a thing there or take this as a serious issue and tell him that you are not fine with it. Which would lead for you to be considered jealous or even to break up. 

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This shouldn't be happening, OP. If you feel it's inappropriate slow down and have a good think about the rest of the relationship as well. I'm not sure about you when I'm very upset, I take a few days to slow down and think through things very carefully. If you haven't vocalized yet how inappropriate this is you may want to. Otherwise, don't waste your breath. 

Both of you may be on different wavelengths completely in regards to this relationship, your future goals don't align, your wants or beliefs are dissimilar. This doesn't exactly sound like a man who thinks ahead or thinks very clearly about how is actions affect others. Does this sound like a partner you'd like to stick around with?

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6 hours ago, Puggle5555 said:

They’re both going to a festival in September and she has offered him a lift with her and some friends. He’s now telling me that they’re friends but hardly ever speak but I just find this really odd. Am I over reacting? 

Hard to say really. It's not just her and him, it's other people going as well. A group thing that was scheduled long before you and him ever met and pushed into the present by the pandemic.

With so much time it could be that he is telling you the truth - their friendship as such has fizzled and this event is the long delayed thing that it is.

All you can do is keep an eye out for anything else that's off, but otherwise I'd let this go. Don't try to mommy him by offering to drive him to the event.

Once this event is done, you might want to talk relationship boundaries and see if you are on the same page or not. If you find him lying or being shady again, might be your clue to walk away. However, at this point, I wouldn't rush to conclusions. 

 

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1 hour ago, smackie9 said:

Soooo you snooped through his phone? and saw that he's been not very forthcoming with you. Would that not be a dealbreaker? and the first course of action would be to dump him?

No I haven’t gone through his phone. He randomly mentioned getting a lift with her a few nights ago and I was like what? I thought you weren’t friends with her 

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48 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

Do they have a long history together? (even though it was a fwb situation).

IF that is all it was and he is now with YOU... is there a reason you should be concerned?  Do you not trust him?

No idea how long they were friends before it changed to FWB. He told me they weren’t friends which is why this is all odd.

He told me she wanted more when he decided he didn’t want to carry on the FWB thing but I obviously don’t know if that is true. There’s a lot of things that don’t tie up with what he originally told me and what he is telling me now.

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24 minutes ago, Puggle5555 said:

He told me she wanted more when he decided he didn’t want to carry on the FWB thing but I obviously don’t know if that is true. There’s a lot of things that don’t tie up with what he originally told me and what he is telling me now.

Cut your losses. Why wait around for more lies and shady behavior?  This should be the last straw, not the first.

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43 minutes ago, Puggle5555 said:

No idea how long they were friends before it changed to FWB. He told me they weren’t friends which is why this is all odd.

He told me she wanted more when he decided he didn’t want to carry on the FWB thing but I obviously don’t know if that is true. There’s a lot of things that don’t tie up with what he originally told me and what he is telling me now.

Be a bit more wary about these things that don't add up. It's early enough dating that you should be able to walk away from this without any hesitation if someone is not right for you. I'm not sure how you could overlook this or look at him the same way when he comes back. 

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45 minutes ago, Puggle5555 said:

He told me she wanted more when he decided he didn’t want to carry on the FWB thing but I obviously don’t know if that is true. There’s a lot of things that don’t tie up with what he originally told me and what he is telling me now.

Ohhh, well that's maybe a little concerning 😕 .

Way I'm thinking, is, if he is with YOU, wth is he doing, saying to you now that he's wanting to go do stuff with her, again.

You should kinda say something like.. Well is it her.. or me?

Hard to give input sometimes, as we're not the one's in the situation.. but trying to visualize/understand. 

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I dunno that it's looking shady, but a misinterpretation.

-He told you they weren't friends before, but FWB. Well it's being friends actually. They hung out did they not?

-During that time they made plans to go to a festival.

-She wanted more, he broke things off, she was upset understandably.

-He took a break from her to let her cool off, but she contacted him anyways. They are not text buddies. So it's true he's not going out of his way to talk to her, it's her contacting him. He probably doesn't bother answering her most of the time, or gives her short answers...not really engaging in conversations.

-He's got no lift, she's offered to take him with a group of friends. So yes they are going "as friends", but they are not what you would call the true meaning of being friends. He has no choice but to hangout with her and the group or he will be thumbing his way back.

I don't really see this as lies but things that just have unfolded without prediction. He didn't know they would stop their arrangement or when, he didn't know if this festival was happening or when due to covid. He didn't know back then he would be meeting and dating you. He wants to go to the festival, not because she's going..she has nothing to do with his decision to go. He probably tried to find a way there first but couldn't, so she was his last choice to go with.

Now the only thing you can do is express your grief that he is going with this girl, and how it makes you uncomfortable. See where it takes you. Then make your decision. You both have a couple of months to work this out.

Edited by smackie9
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I can only speak for myself, so this doesn't prescribe what anyone else 'should' do.

My own private rule is that I won't involve myself with anyone who's still involved with an ex lover in any way, shape or form, beyond shared children.

That's just me. It doesn't speak of anyone else's trustworthiness or choices. I just know myself well enough to know that I'm not made of the stuff for that kind of entanglement, and so I'll gently exit the realm of it.

I've never regretted this choice.

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