Long distance....flop?

[HobbyLobby73]

I'm confused. Let me take you back about 30 years....

I was in grade 9, sitting in my typing class, and this guy sat in front of me. I kid you not, I was instantly in love. Infatuated. I held on to this crush for two years. Finally, we dated. It lasted all of 2 months. He told me his feelings for me were too strong and they were scaring him. We remained friends. We graduated and moved on.

We've stayed in touch over the years, on and off. We both got married (to other people obviously) and he moved to a different city so we never saw each other. We talked once in a blue moon over email or on fb, always very innocent convos like "how are the kids?" "how's the job?" "happy to hear from you" kind of thing. In that time, I still always wondered what could have been between us. It's like the initial crush never went away.

Fast forward to a few months ago. We are both very single. Now I haven't seen him for nearly 30 years. We start texting every day, we build trust, we start to rely on each other for everything. Even from such a huge distance, we're always just kind of there for each other. This recently escalated. We fell in love through texting. Conversations got hot. This is the nicest, kindest man I have ever met. He would move mountains for me. He would turn the world inside out if I asked him to. He'd move back to my city if I wanted him to - even though he still has two very young kids where he is. As a matter of fact, he's looking into ways to do that probably as I type this. He ticks all the boxes of the perfect partner. Every single box. He's open, he's trusting, he talks about his feelings, he's really intelligent. I just can't say enough good things about him. 

Last week he surprised me by saying he was coming to visit me for a few days. This would be the first time I saw him in almost 30 years. I was so excited. I couldn't wait for him to get here. It took about 9 hours for him to get here. He walked in and the first thing we did was kiss. It felt nice, but....just nice. He stayed for a week. He treated me like a queen, I treated him with so much love right back. We're great for each other. But that spark wasn't there for me. It's like we spent 30 years romanticizing this whole thing and then...then what? I didn't feel that much physical attraction to him. Now I'm scared that he's over there making plans to move here, leaving his kids behind (which I would NEVER ask him to do....I'd rather have a long distance relationship than ask him to leave his children behind) and then he'll come here and I'll just feel "blah" about him. I can't do that. But it's crazy right? He's literally the most perfect man that I have ever met. He's everything I ever wanted. So what's wrong with me? Last night he told me that he's having a really hard time being apart from me right now, but I'm not having trouble being apart from him. I don't know how to handle this or what it means. Moving too fast? I basically waited 30 years for this guy. How do I handle this?????????

[Wiseman2]

13 minutes ago, HobbyLobby73 said:

I'm scared that he's over there making plans to move here

Ok, you tried to reconnect but it didn't work out. That's ok. However don't string him along, tell him you see him as a friend.

[Kwothe28]

You are what its called companionate love. That means intimacy is there and even commitment(well at least by his side, you dont want to commit) but passion is not there at least for now or maybe never will be. If you are somebody that realy wants that passion component then dont string him along. Most definitely dont let poor guy move cities because of you. If you think it can go somewhere, stay long distance and see what happens. You are at different pace now, say that you are not ready yet. But if you think it will never go to the stage where he moves to you, then cut that off now. You will both be better that way.

[Rose Mosse]

Be honest about how you feel and let the guy go. Why would he give up the opportunity to be with his kids? This is a red flag and would flatline any person out of my life (total loss of interest). Be more realistic and definitely don't pretend that this is what you want. Free each other.

[MissCanuck]

What happened is that you both got very carried away without having spent any time together in 30 years. 

You projected a fantasy onto him, but reality doesn't quite line up. You need to be honest and let him know you are not feeling it 

[SooSad33]

2 hours ago, HobbyLobby73 said:

We fell in love through texting. Conversations got hot. This is the nicest, kindest man I have ever met.

Is not 'love over texting... it's infatuation.. fantasy vs reality.

 

2 hours ago, HobbyLobby73 said:

He ticks all the boxes of the perfect partner. Every single box. He's open, he's trusting, he talks about his feelings, he's really intelligent. I just can't say enough good things about him. 

Has been many years.. you don't know this. People change big time, from years ago, when much younger to today. He is not same person you knew then...

 

Is best to be honest.  Just tell him you just want your friendship as it has always been.  And to please don't move here because of YOU.

I'm sure he can handle it.. you two only met up once.. in last 30 yrs.

[catfeeder]

The problem with fantasies is that nobody can live up to them. So building those 'about' a person makes people miserable.

I wouldn't be able to respect 2 things: 1) someone who wanted to move to me straight away, without even having dated for any length of time, much less before even meeting in person, and, 2) someone who would move away from his kids. That would be a clear dealbreaker for me.

So, in my case, I would just tell him this and cut ties.

[boltnrun]

My brother and his ex girlfriend from his teen years decided over the phone after 30 years apart that they were "in a relationship" even though she lived several hundred miles away (and was married) and they hadn't even seen each other in person since the 1980s.  She divorced her husband and after a lot of back and forth visiting they got married.

My brother is now going through his second divorce because they rushed into a relationship without really knowing what it would be like to live together.  They did visit a lot but that's more like being on vacation than everyday living.  His divorce has been terrible and gut-wrenching and heart breaking...and expensive.  She turned out to be awful.

You have a preview of what your life with him could be and it doesn't seem like you'd want to have a relationship with him, let alone have him uproot his world to have a life with you.  Please be honest so you won't have to go through a breakup.

[Lambert]

You've romantized this entire thing. In love since 9th grade?

Let's be less flowery about it... it was two months out of 4 years of high school together. Which is nothing really. And your entire adult life for 30 years, apart.

I think you just have to be honest you don't know each other, you built a fantasy out of a long time of being acquaintances. 

End it. clean break. the sooner the better. 

There's nothing wrong with you. You let your imagination get away. Which when it comes to love is easy to do. 

Don't beat yourself up, but do the right thing. 

 

[Jibralta]

17 hours ago, catfeeder said:

2) someone who would move away from his kids. That would be a clear dealbreaker for me.

Yeah, that's really shady.