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Interfering Parent


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I'm so frustrated with my mother. I'm a grown woman with grown-up kids. All my kids are great, yet one is untidy. I've recently invested some money into my house. One of the items has been broken in my daughter's bedroom. I really am not happy. When I expressed my unhappiness about the broken item my daughter said it didn't matter. I obviously didn't agree--but my mother has! Straight away she stuck up for my daughter saying I was totally being dramatic. I don't see how. I have every right to be upset, even though I didn't scream or shout. So I now have a broken fixture to my house and my mother and daughter both telling me I am being dramatic. I tried to project it back and state how would they like it if I broke something of theirs? BANG! They both went nuts at such a suggestion and said I was definitely being dramatic! My mother then proceeded to go around my house calling me all the names under the sun and I honestly now feel I am in the wrong. I even shut myself in the living room but my mother stood outside the door screaming and shouting at me, and telling me just how horrible I am. 

Honestly. I am fed up with my mother's interfering. It's like she encourages my adult daughter to be irresponsible. And my daughter hasn't even apologised because my mother is allowing her to believe she hasn't done anything wrong. We all live in the same house, but not for long. I do plan on selling the house in a couple of years. 

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1 hour ago, Astrogirl said:

So I now have a broken fixture to my house and my mother and daughter both telling me I am being dramatic. I tried to project it back and state how would they like it if I broke something of theirs? BANG! They both went nuts at such a suggestion and said I was definitely being dramatic! My mother then proceeded to go around my house calling me all the names under the sun

Your mother is.. toxic!  Wow 😕 

Was just going to suggest you ask you mom to 'get out', but realize you said she lives there!  ugh 😕 .

Can you not ask her to leave before the house sells?

As for you & dtr?  It IS between you & her.  So, If you want to fix something, just do it!  ignore the mother.

You are an adult, is YOUR choice.

Pay not attention to toxic people who love & cause drama.

As for dtr?  IF she has taken on mother's 'traits', don't expect much of an apology 😕 ... What you guys need is No Mother there.

 

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Hey, OP. Sorry you are dealing with this stress. I have a couple of questions for you.

What kind of fixture was broken, had you bought that fixture? How was it broken - accidentally, recklessly, intentionally? Did you actually threaten to break anything in particular? Are you the only one who owns the house and pays the bills, or do Mom and your daughter contribute?

Edited by Pleasedonot5
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31 minutes ago, Pleasedonot5 said:

Hey, OP. Sorry you are dealing with this stress. I have a couple of questions for you.

What kind of fixture was broken, had you bought that fixture? How was it broken - accidentally, recklessly, intentionally? Did you actually threaten to break anything in particular? Are you the only one who owns the house and pays the bills, or do Mom and your daughter contribute?

Yes, I'm sorry too.  And was wondering about the mother's involvement/financial contributions.

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First off you should not have to hide in your own house.  Tell your mother the very next time she talks to you in that tone and language she is out.  I don't care if it will be a hardship she needs to go.

Obviously they do not respect your things or probably anyone else's things so you are fighting a losing battle so just don't try.  Do not replace the broken fixture until it is time to sell the house.  In fact if there are other  nice things in her room take them out.

   How old is your daughter?  If she is old enough she should be working and paying some sort of rent.  If not you need to inform her she is going to start paying rent. 

You shouldn't be a prisoner in your home.  This isn't about right or wrong or even the value of the item, it is about respecting your home. 

Lost

Edited by lostandhurt
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2 hours ago, Astrogirl said:

I obviously didn't agree--but my mother has. My mother then proceeded to go around my house calling me all the names.

Get a security system in your home that includes a video/cam at the doors. If your mother is abusive, get a restraining order.

 If she is babysitting, etc., then drop off the kids and pick them up.

The fixture and what type what cost is irrelevant, it's not the issue. It's your home, your kids and you need to protect that better.

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I think mom needs to live elsewhere.  Can this be done?

Your mother is toxic and sticking her nose in where its not needed or wanted and you need to tell her to back off.

Daughter should pay to replace the broken item if she has a job, if not she can do chores to earn the value the of the replacement.

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Unfortunately, the situation has only got worse from here. They've continued to verbally abuse me all day. My daughter, knowing she has the backing of my mother, tried to give me orders. I stood my ground and my daughter's temper went wild. She accused me of being a totally vile mother. She spewed out all of my long-ago mistakes (which my mother has told her), and is now threatening to ruin my career by telling people what a horrible person I am. This is all because I dared to stand up for myself. I feel their hatred towards me is getting mentally and emotionally dangerous. 

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Your mother and daughter are gaslighting you.  Google "gaslighting." 

Enforce a new rule:  "You break it, you pay for it." 

Also, pick your battles.  Often times, you need to ask yourself if it's better to be "right" or maintain peace.  There were so many times when I had to pause and think before I was about to impulsively react in anger towards my kin.  Always think of your outcome before acting upon it. 

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22 hours ago, Astrogirl said:

Unfortunately, the situation has only got worse from here. They've continued to verbally abuse me all day. My daughter, knowing she has the backing of my mother, tried to give me orders. I stood my ground and my daughter's temper went wild. She accused me of being a totally vile mother. She spewed out all of my long-ago mistakes (which my mother has told her), and is now threatening to ruin my career by telling people what a horrible person I am. This is all because I dared to stand up for myself. I feel their hatred towards me is getting mentally and emotionally dangerous. 

When people are used to abusing you and you stand up for yourself, yes, they will react with increased violence and intensity in order to put you back in your place. Think of it along the lines of a toddler screaming louder when you say "no".

Your daughter is an adult - time for her gtfo of your house and go live on her own. Same thing for your mother. Both of these women are living off you and abusing you at the same time. High time for you to say "Enough!" and really mean it.

OP, there need to be serious and very real consequences for that kind of behavior for the both of them. Again....your daughter is an adult making very adult choices. You've got to stop blaming your mother for that. Your daughter is a lot like grandma and sadly there is nothing that you can do about that which runs in the genes, other than create and enforce heavy boundaries. If that means kicking them both out of your house and selling it today, so be it. Might be a blessing in disguise for you as the market is not going to keep rising forever.

Edited by DancingFool
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They live with you in your home ( for free?) and have the audacity to abuse you.  I would say it's about time both grandma and daughter get kicked out of the house.  The two of them can live together in their own place and if they want to cry about it and say they have no money, no jobs and can't afford to move out, you tell them they should have thought about that before abusing you and treating you like garbage when you put a roof over their heads. 

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Why on earth are you disciplining your daughter or having a heart to heart about her behavior/laying down consequences in front of your mother?  "We are going to talk about this later" when mom is present and if it happened when mom was not, you take care of it with her not present and don't discuss it in her presence. 

Also, more detail: Was this item broken 1) Delibrately 2) By total accident  Is your daughter naturally a little messy and a little clumsy?  3) was it broken because your daughter didn't know how to properly use it and broke it trying 4) it was in her pile of mess and she accidentally broke it stepping on it?
and 5) her age.

All of those factors would go into if i would just not really say anything and chalk it up to bad luck, be angry at the daughter or punish her or merely set boundaries.

Where is her dad, btw?? And where is Grandpa?
 

I would take your mom to a neutral location like a lunch place or coffee shop and be clear with her if she doesn't support your parenting, do not come over unless you invite her. And only see your mom outside the home (the park, the mall,

 

 

 

 

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1 hour ago, Capricorn3 said:

They live with you in your home ( for free?) and have the audacity to abuse you.  I would say it's about time both grandma and daughter get kicked out of the house.  The two of them can live together in their own place and if they want to cry about it and say they have no money, no jobs and can't afford to move out, you tell them they should have thought about that before abusing you and treating you like garbage when you put a roof over their heads. 

Perfect!  I totally agree with this.

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I'd see a lawyer or legal aid to learn my rights as the homeowner.

From there, I'd offer them both 2 options: 1) either they move out by end of month and I'll supplement their expenses on an apartment by reimbursing them for first and last months' rent plus security deposit after they move out, this being contingent on respectful behavior until they move out, and they can visit one Sunday brunch a month and do their laundry here, or whatever OR, 2) I'll have them removed from my home without any payment whatsoever, and they're on their own.

Which option do they want?

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