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Split up with partner


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Don’t really know where to start but here goes 

 

my partner and I have been together for about 3.5 years. At the start everything was great, although I guess there were a few little red flags, ie how we are both quite fiery & stubborn, but as most relationships go you the flags under the carpet to start off with. The past probably 18 months or so have been hard, with covid lockdowns, me being made redundant, her being pregnant throughout, home schooling her son while trying to work from home herself and then the financial stress of her earning less being on maternity leave on top of everything else etc, the list goes on and I guess things have took their toll eventually. 
 

we have argued a lot, over stupid things a lot of the time but there is no longer any spark there really. She moved out for a month or so and I told her I didn’t think things were working but she pushed to try again which we have done but things have just gone back to how it was from my perspective. The way things stand I can’t see us getting that spark back. We are basically in the process of splitting but at the moment she still lives with me. It’s hard and it’s sad an I question myself if I’m doing the right thing or am I throwing something special away. I just don’t know how I am meant to get back to how we were if my heart doesn’t feel init anymore. 
 

don’t really know why I’m putting this just wondering if anyone has been in a similar situation and how things went any advice is appreciated thanks. 

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What are the arguments about? Life isn't a bed of roses, OP. You know that. You're mentioning spark like you're both teenagers. Sparks don't fly every second of a long term relationship. It can be hard work and a lot of dedication and commitment while caring for each other even on days you don't feel like it. If you both already broke up and she's leaving then don't muddle things up or make it worse second guessing yourself. Stay focused on ways to improve your part.

How's the job search going?

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You mentioned her being pregnant. I dunno, I wouldnt have heart to just throw her out with probably her own kid and/or yours, spark or no spark. Sparks, well, whole passion segment, fade in time. What you got left afterward, that is what you have. Intimacy, longevity, stuff like that. I understand that stuff is also maybe not there. But, again, if you have a small kid with that woman, you really should have look for signs she is not right sooner. Like this, well kinda heartless if kids are involved. But I understand that its probably best for both and kids if you both seek happyness somewhere else. 

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2 hours ago, Jay12345 said:

We are basically in the process of splitting but at the moment she still lives with me.

Sorry this is happening. Is she moving out?

Focus on co-parenting. You'll need to pay child support when she moves out.

 It's time to take any job you can get rather than languishing around wondering about "spark" .

She's got to support you, your first child and now pregnant with your next, may be while the sex has dropped off.

 

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It sounds like a lot of the things are situational- pandemic, financial etc.

When times get tough it does test the relationship. For all you've been going through, do you expect big romantic sparks to continue? It's kind of unrealistic to think excitement of romance to remain at a high when you're at a low. 

how old are you? have you had other relationships?

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35 minutes ago, Lambert said:

It sounds like a lot of the things are situational- pandemic, financial etc.

When times get tough it does test the relationship. For all you've been going through, do you expect big romantic sparks to continue? It's kind of unrealistic to think excitement of romance to remain at a high when you're at a low. 

how old are you? have you had other relationships?

Yes your right everything has put a strain on things I just don’t know what’s for the best or if there’s any point in trying again or if she would even want too. I have said a few times I would try but my actions haven’t followed. I am 31, yeah Iv had previous relationships 

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Seek out couples counseling. What I see is you both don't know how to communicate with each other. It's just a matter of sorting things out, and understanding each other. Bad feelings, strong emotions are like having an anchor tied around your neck...it's hard to keep your head up. Once you get rid of those, you will feel better and see where you need to go/ what to do. So don't make any harsh decisions yet.

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5 hours ago, Jay12345 said:

She moved out for a month or so and I told her I didn’t think things were working but she pushed to try again which we have done but things have just gone back to how it was from my perspective.

Because while you were apart, things were not dealt with - no improvement - so all would be the same.

I understand stress, we all have it.  So you feel you're just not into it anymore?  Can't take it?

And you'd rather remain apart and raise the child (visitation) be okay for you?

Then be honest with her... admit it's not there anymore ( if she's moved out before, she can, again).

Then you remain apart.   Only deal with each other re: the child.

No expectations.  No head games.. Respect.

 

 

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I don't know how any one can manage to light up for anyone during a pandemic when you're super prego and remote-schooling.  My eldest is now in therapy, and my husband had a hypertensive crisis from the stress.  

If you think all long-term and strong and loving relationships are all flowers and romance all the time, then you are in need of a wake up call.  THEY ALL TAKE WORK, especially during the tough times!  Until you get this, you will repeat the same over and over in the next and next relationship.

Sorry bud, but if you want romance, be romantic.

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38 minutes ago, Jay12345 said:

I can’t answer that. I guess I don’t truly know what I want 

Yeah, but this isn't all about you. You're in a relationship and you have children together. I think you need to grow up a little and stop feeling sorry for yourself because your "heart's not in it." Be a man, not a child.

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2 hours ago, Jay12345 said:

I can’t answer that. I guess I don’t truly know what I want 

So you expect her to make you feel all sparkly, yet you won't do anything to try to improve the relationship?

Why is it all on her?  

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20 hours ago, boltnrun said:

So you expect her to make you feel all sparkly, yet you won't do anything to try to improve the relationship?

Why is it all on her?  

It isn’t and I don’t expect that. I just don’t know why I feel the way I do and what’s for the best 

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5 hours ago, Jay12345 said:

It isn’t and I don’t expect that. I just don’t know why I feel the way I do and what’s for the best 

If you aren't sure why you feel the way you do and what's for the best, take a break from trying to end it, and figure it out, focus on her and the kids, instead of yourself.  You will be able to figure it out then.  If you only focus on yourself, you won't figure it out.

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