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Too soon?


Rb1980
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Hey all,

I've been dating this girl for a while now, things are going well and I hope it keeps progressing.

 

We haven't had sex yet and when the topic came up she said, "Do you not think it's too soon?"

 

Now I totally respect boundaries and said to her I'm happy to go at whatever pace makes her comfortable, it's only confused me as I know with her previous partners it happened a lot quicker.

 

Some of those partners were long term, some very short. I just don't know why it's different with me.

I ask myself, could it be that she's changed as a person since then, or does she not find me as attractive as them or anything else that comes to mind.

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I don't know why you know at what point she had sex with all her past partners. It could be that she saw what she did in the past as a mistake, as far as the intimacy timeline. As long as she keeps accepting dates and making effort with you, it means she's into you. I'd give it another month and see what happens then.

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3 hours ago, Rb1980 said:

About 2 months, maybe a little longer

I'm surprised  you know how long she waited in the past.  I always waited much longer (5 months or longer) with one exception I regretted (which was 2 months). My sense is she cares for you and feels she moved too fast in the past.  Why not ask her?

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If you're comparing yourself to her past sexual history with exes or how soon you're having sex this thing is way off track or you are unusually anxious. Is the vibe off? Do you sense she's not into you at all or she's not interested? How's her demeanour towards you in other things or with other aspects when you're out together or spending time together? 

 

Edited by Rose Mosse
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If you two are 'dating', then I don't know why you are overly concerned, sounds like she does like you...

And as others have mentioned.. WHY do you know so much about her sexual history?

Yes, you give her time.  Let her get to know you & get comfortable. never compare. ( it is very well possible that she's taking it easy with you.. due to her past.. who knows).

 

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Thanks all.

 

The reason I know about any others is because we have had open conversations about many things.

 

We spoke about our sex lives and things we like, things we don't like and from that came, "how soon into dating or a relationship do you first sleep with someone?"

 

From there I told her I've sometimes waited a few weeks, it's once been on the first night, she then mentioned her it had been for her that's all.

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3 minutes ago, Rb1980 said:

We spoke about our sex lives and things we like, things we don't like and from that came, "how soon into dating or a relationship do you first sleep with someone?"

This is not a good conversation to have, as you can see. Truth or dare games are for tween slumber parties, not adults. Your sexual histories are your own.

At any rate, decide if you want to go forward with someone who's keeping you sort of in the friendzone.

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7 minutes ago, Rb1980 said:

Thanks all.

 

The reason I know about any others is because we have had open conversations about many things.

 

We spoke about our sex lives and things we like, things we don't like and from that came, "how soon into dating or a relationship do you first sleep with someone?"

 

From there I told her I've sometimes waited a few weeks, it's once been on the first night, she then mentioned her it had been for her that's all.

Bad idea because now you're comparing.

Why did you feel the need to even have this conversation? All you need to know is if she is healthy and free to date you.

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1 hour ago, Rb1980 said:

Thanks all.

 

The reason I know about any others is because we have had open conversations about many things.

 

We spoke about our sex lives and things we like, things we don't like and from that came, "how soon into dating or a relationship do you first sleep with someone?"

 

From there I told her I've sometimes waited a few weeks, it's once been on the first night, she then mentioned her it had been for her that's all.

The toothpaste is now out of the tube so there's nothing you can do about that. Just take it with a grain of salt, remain respectful of her wishes. If things are flailing about or there's not enough interest on either part then let go. You could be dating and having sex with someone else.

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3 hours ago, Rb1980 said:

The reason I know about any others is because we have had open conversations about many things.

 

We spoke about our sex lives and things we like, things we don't like and from that came, "how soon into dating or a relationship do you first sleep with someone?"

 

From there I told her I've sometimes waited a few weeks, it's once been on the first night, she then mentioned her it had been for her that's all.

What you call open discussion is a false spin on diarrhea of the mouth when it comes to sex. It's irrelevant info and harmful. Just because someone asks you something, doesn't mean you have to answer. It shouldn't be: "Have you ever done such and such with a partner?" Who cares? What's important is what you want to do with each other in the present. Who wants words and info that will have you picturing your crush knocking boots with someone else?

Learn from your mistakes. We all have to. 

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Well, her exes are exes. Some people bond over sex before really getting know one another, and they later learn that this blinded them to the stuff they would have seen more clearly if they'd waited.

Could be that she takes you more seriously than anyone else before you.

Getting naked is easy. Getting emotionally naked with someone before diving in is more difficult, but it's also smart--and that lesson comes with maturity.

If you care about this woman, don't rush, and don't make school-kid comparisons on stuff that wasn't a good idea to talk about in the first place.

Edited by catfeeder
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On 6/17/2021 at 1:12 PM, Rb1980 said:

Thanks all.

 

The reason I know about any others is because we have had open conversations about many things.

 

We spoke about our sex lives and things we like, things we don't like and from that came, "how soon into dating or a relationship do you first sleep with someone?"

 

From there I told her I've sometimes waited a few weeks, it's once been on the first night, she then mentioned her it had been for her that's all.

Yes - but it's not always a good thing to be open about the details of your past sex lives.  Like I wrote above, I wouldn't compare.  Yes I had those conversations too but only if I felt I needed to explain that waiting was my MO.  I'm surprised she would share all that with you and then not explain why she wants to proceed differently now given how open you say she's been.

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