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emptyroom
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I've been seeing a guy I met on a dating app in march. I like him and he says he likes me. we've spent time once a week almost every week since we met. we've been having sex. he told me somewhat recently that he's not looking for a relationship. he wants to keep seeing me but he doesn't want to lead me on or make me feel bad because he doesn't want one. I'm devastated because I genuinely like this person and my intention when I started dating was to get into a relationship. I'm confused by the things he says, like I told him I wished I had waited before jumping into bed with him and he said "we can go slower, I'm totally cool with that" but if you don't want a relationship, then what are we going slower towards? we can't go slower towards sex because we've already done it, so what does that even mean?

I've continued seeing him even though I'm not okay with the situation because I still like him and I don't want to lose him. it's rare for me to find someone I like. but every time I come home after seeing him, I think about cutting this off because it makes me so miserable. it makes me feel unwanted and not good enough. I think part of it too is I have this hope that one day he'll change his mind and want to try having a relationship with me. maybe that's delusional or naive of me. I always end up changing my mind and continuing seeing him because I do enjoy having a sexual relationship with him but it hurts me too. I wish he made it clear from the beginning that he wasn't looking for a relationship at all. I want to know why he didn't. I feel like I've gotten myself into something I didn't want to be a part of but now I'm stuck and it's too hard to get out of it. it almost makes me wonder if he's just using me and isn't interested in getting to know me as a person at all. we used to message each other a lot more before and lately it's almost nothing. I understand being busy and I don't expect anybody to have an endless back and forth text conversation with me, but it's just something I've noticed. like if I wasn't the one reaching out to make plans it seems like he just wouldn't care. 

what should I do? should I continue? should I break it off now? should I communicate all of this to him? I'm so back and forth on this. I'm into him but not the situation. I'm afraid of breaking it off because I know I'll regret it. I'm afraid to tell him all of this because I'm afraid of driving him off and losing him. I think I've convinced myself I'd rather have part of him than nothing at all, and I'm afraid of hearing the answer. I know I can't make him care about me or want a relationship. I'm afraid of communicating all of this to him because what if the answer is, "yeah, I just don't want a relationship in general so I think we should just stop seeing each other then." I've only told one person about this situation and they said that I should "play hard to get" but I think that's stupid. I don't want to play games and I want to be genuine. they said I should give him an ultimatum but I don't know how to do that without sounding unfair or like a threat. what am I supposed to say, "I want a relationship or you'll never see me again?" how do I make that sound better? I don't know how to successfully tell him how I feel without sounding like I'm too much or crazy.

I already suffer from depression and anxiety and this has really aggravated them. this whole situation is causing pain and distress. I just don't want to be lonely. I need advice and outside perspective on this. thanks.

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5 minutes ago, emptyroom said:

he wants to keep seeing me but he doesn't want to lead me on or make me feel bad because he doesn't want one

Tell him, no thanks. End it and delete and block him. Believe him when he tells you he's just interested in hookups.

The sooner you end this situationship, the sooner you can find what you are looking for.

 

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1 hour ago, emptyroom said:

I'm into him but not the situation. I'm afraid of breaking it off because I know I'll regret it. I'm afraid to tell him all of this because I'm afraid of driving him off and losing him. I think I've convinced myself I'd rather have part of him than nothing at all, and I'm afraid of hearing the answer.

What could be worse than being with someone who uses you for your body and disregards your feelings? He should have stopped the situation right there instead of taking advantage of you. Do you really think he cares? You're a warm body, nothing else. The only person you have looking out for you is you so start taking things by the reins and don't shrug off that responsibility onto someone else. Take care of yourself - your own physical and mental health. He's not going to do that for you. He's as good as a stranger off the side of the road or worse, a user with totally no empathy or moral sense. 

I agree - end this so that you can start doing more with yourself that gives back to you and aligns more with what you want.

 

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There's nothing to "lose" because you don't have him. He will continue to have sex with you as long as you allow it but it will not make him love you or want a relationship with you.

If you want a relationship you need to end this. And next time don't be your own worst enemy. Stick to your boundaries and standards.

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1 hour ago, emptyroom said:

I've continued seeing him even though I'm not okay with the situation because I still like him and I don't want to lose him.

You can't lose what you don't have.... You two have been intimate but he doesn't want a relationship.

Then YOU end it all.. in order to not get hurt or emotionally invested any further.

1 hour ago, emptyroom said:

every time I come home after seeing him, I think about cutting this off because it makes me so miserable. it makes me feel unwanted and not good enough.

Right, so if it is making YOU feel like trash, then why do this to yourself?

It has nothing to do with you though... it's his choice.  You are ready, but he is not wanting the same.

 

1 hour ago, emptyroom said:

I think part of it too is I have this hope that one day he'll change his mind and want to try having a relationship with me. maybe that's delusional or naive of me.

But, you don't know & there's no guarantee's.

 

1 hour ago, emptyroom said:

I wish he made it clear from the beginning that he wasn't looking for a relationship at all.

Of course, they never say 'no' to sex  😕 .

 

1 hour ago, emptyroom said:

 it almost makes me wonder if he's just using me and isn't interested in getting to know me as a person at all. we used to message each other a lot more before and lately it's almost nothing.

This is exactly what he's doing.  As he said, he is not wanting a relationship.

 

1 hour ago, emptyroom said:

I'm afraid of breaking it off because I know I'll regret it. I'm afraid to tell him all of this because I'm afraid of driving him off and losing him.

Losing what?  The sex?  This is really all you will get from him.

 

1 hour ago, emptyroom said:

I already suffer from depression and anxiety and this has really aggravated them

This is the exact 'good reason' you stop all of this!

Why put yourself thru such torment?  Will just add up on you 😕 .

Seriously, get out of this.. and focus on yourself a while.

Get yourself back to 'good', then consider finding someone out there someday who does show equal interest - not be used.

You can do this... self love ❤️ 

 

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Why would he have it any other way? He is not thinking about your feelings but only his feelings which are based on what he wants - your body and company but no commitment. You're his booty call.

If you want a commitment, this isn't someone you hang on to hoping for him to magically change his mind.

Listen to your gut and walk away while it's still early.

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17 hours ago, emptyroom said:

if you don't want a relationship, then what are we going slower towards? we can't go slower towards sex because we've already done it, so what does that even mean?

Right.

It doesn't make sense because it's a bullsht line. 

Why are you playing the fool? You know better. 

17 hours ago, emptyroom said:

I wish he made it clear from the beginning that he wasn't looking for a relationship at all. I want to know why he didn't.

He didn't make it clear because he didn't have to. Lots of women, yourself included, will continue to sleep with him anyway. 

17 hours ago, emptyroom said:

I still like him

What exactly do you like about him? The way he delivers nonsensical BS to you? The way he  takes care of his own needs and ignores yours? 

17 hours ago, emptyroom said:

I'm into him but not the situation.

I think you're confused. He is the situation. You're into a figment of your imagination. You'll never be out of this situation if you continue dating this man.

17 hours ago, emptyroom said:

I just don't want to be lonely.

You will stay lonely as long as you continue to settle for men like this. You have to aim higher. There are better men out there.

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I know it's easier said than done but if I was you, I would end it. I'm not saying this to be rude but I think "he's just not that into you". I actually doubt that he literally doesn't want a relationship at all. Unless someone has a pretty good reason why they don't want a relationship, such as they're moving away or they just came out of a relationship, this is just a bs excuse. If he never said on his online profile that he didn't want a relationship and never said at the start of dating you, he probably does want a relationship but just not with you. I think if a girl came along that he feels strongly for then he would have a relationship with her.

I'm sorry to say but he's not going to change his mind. He's been seeing you every week for 3+ months and he's had plenty of time to figure out if he's really into you or not. The situation works for him because he gets sex from you and you're very eager and willing. He's not the one with feelings so he's not getting hurt. For you on the other hand I think this situation will only go from bad to worse. If you have depression and anxiety and it's hurting you already, I think this will do damage to you mental health.

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as soon as they say they are not looking for a relationship...they mean don't want a relationship with you. You are a place holder until he meets someone. So dump this chump.

I suggest talk of exclusivity before sex instead of hoping it will play out. Plus one day a week isn't saying this could go somewhere.

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Along with moving forward, I think it may be helpful to own your part in this,  as in knowing where you stand before putting the cart before the horse.

You're not the first nor the last to assume that because you're sleeping together, you're on the road to a long term relationship.

You can't go back to holding hands once sex enters the picture.  Hopefully you'll take the lesson with you.

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