Jump to content

How do I discuss relationship problems with my mother?


B.S.
 Share

Go to solution Solved by smackie9,

Recommended Posts

Hi everyone, hope you're all having a good day. I think I've posted on here before and I am still dealing with the same issues in my relationship. Now, I've tried a lot of things already to better my relationship. I've talked to my partner, I've had arguements, I've looked at all the good and the bad things that the relationship has brought me. But now I'm pretty much stuck in the same place. Yesterday my family came over, as well as a new boyfriend of a close family member of mine. Meeting him and seeing how good he is to my parents, how interested he was in all of us and how chill and kind he was made me feel very anxious about my partner. We've been together for 3,5 years now and he has not bonded with my parents yet. He's had arguments with them, my sister, basically he picks arguments with a lot of people. Now he wants to suddenly become a police officer, since he is jobless and has no perspective on life he just kind of decided that all of the sudden he wants to become a police officer.

I'd have to write a complete other story to inform you all on why that decision is so strange and doesn't make any sense at all, but I'll spare you from that for now. Feel free to ask questions about it though. Now back to the point of my story. I haven't always been completely honest towards my mother about the things that have gone on in my relationship. First of all that is because I don't want to throw shade at my partner behind his back. That's not in my heart and it doesn't feel right to me. Secondly, I don't know how to talk to her about my relationship. My mother already doesn't like him very much, so if I tell her I'm unhappy at the moment I already know she's gonna tell me to leave him instead of trying to understand my point. How do I bring this to her without causing her to lose all hope in my partner? And how do I say it in a way that I'm not making my partner look like a villain? (Cause he's not, he's just not your every day man of 22 years old)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

3 minutes ago, NOSLENS said:

 We've been together for 3,5 years now and he has not bonded with my parents yet. 

Sorry this is happening. You seem very unhappy with him. It's unclear why he has to "bond with your family"?

After 3.5 years, where do you want this relationship to go?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Just now, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. You seem very unhappy with him. It's unclear why he has to "bond with your family"?

After 3.5 years, where do you want this relationship to go?

Basically, all I want from him is honesty. He's going to therapy right now for abandonment issues. I'm aware that he hasn't had the best upbringing, but he kind of hides behind it. He doesn't do anything all day, he talks down to other people cause he feels insecure. Again, I could write a book about all of the problems in our relationship. The point is, I want to talk about it to my mother cause she's honest with me as well. I just don't know how. I want to know what she thinks, maybe all I need from her is good advice on how to end things. I've ended relationships two times before and it made me feel so bad, like why am I always the one who leaves? 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Just now, NOSLENS said:

I could write a book about all of the problems in our relationship. 

It's time to end it if you feel it's this abusive and you need to stick around to fix and change him or out of your past issues not wanting to leave.

Cut your losses. 

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

17 minutes ago, NOSLENS said:

He's had arguments with them, my sister, basically he picks arguments with a lot of people. Now he wants to suddenly become a police officer, since he is jobless and has no perspective on life he just kind of decided that all of the sudden he wants to become a police officer.

He sounds very unsettled and difficult 😕 

 

18 minutes ago, NOSLENS said:

I haven't always been completely honest towards my mother about the things that have gone on in my relationship. First of all that is because I don't want to throw shade at my partner behind his back. That's not in my heart and it doesn't feel right to me. Secondly, I don't know how to talk to her about my relationship. My mother already doesn't like him very much, so if I tell her I'm unhappy at the moment

IF there are a LOT of these moments... why do you stick with him?  😕 

 

19 minutes ago, NOSLENS said:

I am still dealing with the same issues in my relationship. Now, I've tried a lot of things already to better my relationship. I've talked to my partner, I've had arguements, I've looked at all the good and the bad things that the relationship has brought me. But now I'm pretty much stuck in the same place.

See here.... And what place is this?

 

IF your relationship is doing nothing but causing you grief... then maybe it's time to reconsider?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

17 minutes ago, NOSLENS said:

The point is, I want to talk about it to my mother cause she's honest with me as well. I just don't know how. I want to know what she thinks, maybe all I need from her is good advice on how to end things. I've ended relationships two times before and it made me feel so bad, like why am I always the one who leaves? 

Then maybe you should do it.. talk to her - as you know how supportive she is?

As for YOU ending things.. don't feel bad.  As only YOU know what is for you.. or not.  It's not a bad thing.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

What support exactly are you looking from your mother? She'll be biased like anyone else and you are emotionally dumping a lot of your issues on another person. This is not to say that getting feedback is bad. It's a good thing but you have think through what you're actually looking for or hoping for in sharing your issues with another person. If you're just going to ignore her advice and looking for a way to justify your relationship when you yourself aren't happy, this isn't the best course of action. 

I'm getting the sense that you're unsettled, deeply troubled with this relationship and your boyfriend's lack of direction is bothering you quite a bit along with his left field ideas. If you can't support him or get behind his rationale or find him frivolous then do cut your losses. This isn't about your mother.. it's about you facing reality that you're not compatible.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

29 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

What support exactly are you looking from your mother? She'll be biased like anyone else and you are emotionally dumping a lot of your issues on another person. This is not to say that getting feedback is bad. It's a good thing but you have think through what you're actually looking for or hoping for in sharing your issues with another person. If you're just going to ignore her advice and looking for a way to justify your relationship when you yourself aren't happy, this isn't the best course of action. 

I'm getting the sense that you're unsettled, deeply troubled with this relationship and your boyfriend's lack of direction is bothering you quite a bit along with his left field ideas. If you can't support him or get behind his rationale or find him frivolous then do cut your losses. This isn't about your mother.. it's about you facing reality that you're not compatible.

I know we're not compatible, I just really need to get this off my chest and tell my mother. Personally I am doing so well with my education and my social relationships. The only thing weighing me down is him at the moment.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

26 minutes ago, B.S. said:

I know we're not compatible, I just really need to get this off my chest and tell my mother. Personally I am doing so well with my education and my social relationships. The only thing weighing me down is him at the moment.

You mentioned that your mother doesn't like him and yet you're looking for this from her (after you tell her more about your relationship problems): 

Quote

My mother already doesn't like him very much, so if I tell her I'm unhappy at the moment I already know she's gonna tell me to leave him instead of trying to understand my point. How do I bring this to her without causing her to lose all hope in my partner? And how do I say it in a way that I'm not making my partner look like a villain?

Does this make any sense to you? If you want to talk to her or get things off your chest, by all means, do so. You can't control someone's reactions however and dictate how your mother feels or acts in this situation if you tell her more inflammatory or negative things about your boyfriend. Be prepared for that and brace yourself. Perhaps you do need to know hear what she thinks but don't expect to walk away from this and have your credibility intact if she also tells you to leave him and you don't. 

Be wary of how much you tell others and your expectations regarding their reaction or the outcome. If this person isn't right for you, you'll know in your heart of hearts and end it already. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

28 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

You mentioned that your mother doesn't like him and yet you're looking for this from her (after you tell her more about your relationship problems): 

Does this make any sense to you? If you want to talk to her or get things off your chest, by all means, do so. You can't control someone's reactions however and dictate how your mother feels or acts in this situation if you tell her more inflammatory or negative things about your boyfriend. Be prepared for that and brace yourself. Perhaps you do need to know hear what she thinks but don't expect to walk away from this and have your credibility intact if she also tells you to leave him and you don't. 

Be wary of how much you tell others and your expectations regarding their reaction or the outcome. If this person isn't right for you, you'll know in your heart of hearts and end it already. 

I agree, I don't plan on staying with him for a long time anymore. But because I always want to treat people with respect and have faith in growth I don't make that decision right away. I'm the kind of person who ponders and thinks about the right time, the right words, the right environment to be in while breaking up. I have a feeling he is not going to take it well, since his self esteem is already so low. And I don't want him to think that I don't appreciate all the good things he's done for me either. I wanna mention everything that needs to be mentioned in the break-up conversation, cause it is the end of almost 4 years together. I wanna do it the right way and I want my mothers opinion on it before i have the talk. The problem is also that my mom is going away for 3 weeks this Saturday so I won't be able to talk to her in person at all when she's gone.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Solution
Posted (edited)

You are wasting your time looking at your mother as a last ditch effort to save your relationship. I believe you have it in your mind that you should leave, but you hope she or someone will tell you different. I am not going to tell you different, nor will anyone else for that matter. You have so much going for you...you are throwing all that away, all your hard work, just to stay with this guy. Know your self worth, you deserve and can do much better.

Edited by smackie9
  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

4 minutes ago, B.S. said:

I agree, I don't plan on staying with him for a long time anymore. But because I always want to treat people with respect and have faith in growth I don't make that decision right away. I'm the kind of person who ponders and thinks about the right time, the right words, the right environment to be in while breaking up. I have a feeling he is not going to take it well, since his self esteem is already so low. And I don't want him to think that I don't appreciate all the good things he's done for me either. I wanna mention everything that needs to be mentioned in the break-up conversation, cause it is the end of almost 4 years together. I wanna do it the right way and I want my mothers opinion on it before i have the talk. The problem is also that my mom is going away for 3 weeks this Saturday so I won't be able to talk to her in person at all when she's gone.

Do you know if she's free this week? 

Sometimes less is more during a break up. The more discussion around it the less effective it is and also more hurtful to the other person. You sound very thoughtful and kind. I would keep it short if possible and find a good time, keep the career choice or discussions out of it for ie. 

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Short answer is that you don't. It's actually highly disrespectful to vent negative things about your partner to your family or other people who will need to interact with him and may end up feeling hostile toward him because of what you've said. Spare him some basic dignity.

That said, breaking up is normal and it's unhealthy for you to see it some kind of massive negative or that ending relationships makes you a bad person. That's some toxic thinking on your end. If a relationship isn't working, THE kindest thing you can do is end it sooner, rather than later and free each other to move on and find better suited partners.

The point of dating isn't to hang on or fix people, but rather to determine IF you are a good match. If you realize that you are not a good match, you end it. Period.

Also, please don't talk him to death. Less is more for sure when you decide to break up. Please realize that whatever you don't like about him or don't get along over, the right match for him will find appealing. So do not present him with a laundry list of why you are walking away. The dynamic between you and him isn't working for you and that's really at the heart of it and 100% the reason to end things.

What you see as being kind, is actually quite cruel, OP. Nobody wants a partner who is staying only out of pity or hope that they'll change. That's insulting. Thinking that your partner can't live without you is pure arrogance. Careful with that OP.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

His belligerent, combative personality is not conducive to a sound relationship with you nor your family.  Also, his personality is a red flag if he wants to become a police officer.  He may very well not qualify. 

If you want to talk to your mother, you need to brace yourself and be prepared to hear everything she has to say even though it will be brutal.  Often times, brutal, frank truth, opinions and perceptions are difficult to hear.  I'm a mother.  I speak my mind regarding my opinions based upon gut instincts,  intuition and experience with all sorts of human nature and despicable characters.  I never sugar coat what I think especially if situations aren't ideal nor optimal.  My immediate family (husband and sons) often times listen to what they don't want to hear but at least they listen which saves them a lot of trouble and grief for their future. 

Ending things won't ever be pretty.  As long as you accept this fact, you can end it by getting it over and done with so you can move on with your life.  It's always better to be alone than feeling lonely with the wrong person or partner.  The wrong person in your life feels as if you're shackled. 

Don't feel bad nor guilty about being the one who leaves because that's life.  Not everyone was meant to endure longevity in your life regarding relationships.  Many times, friendships fizzle or end because it wasn't meant to be either.  

I've noticed that an insecure person makes me feel nervous, unsettled and insecure.  I think you are feeling the same way.  

If you hesitate talking with your mother, then don't discuss anything with her yet.  If and when you decide to break up, do that first and then discuss it with your mother after the fact.  I think you'll receive relief and better moral support from her after both of you have the "good riddance" mentality. 

Be strong and hang tough.  There is no other way unless you're weak and weakness is not an option.  Think about yourself and your own survival first and foremost.  Then you'll be brave and courageous to do what you have to do in order to retain your sanity. 

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

2 hours ago, B.S. said:

I know we're not compatible, I just really need to get this off my chest and tell my mother. Personally I am doing so well with my education and my social relationships. The only thing weighing me down is him at the moment.

Are you posting under two different users? 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Guest
This topic is now closed to further replies.
 Share

×
×
  • Create New...