Jump to content

Am I being petty and selfish? Asking my Boyfriend to stop seeing his Best friend?


Recommended Posts

For context I have been dating my boyfriend for over 2years now and we have a vary happy relationship. With the normal ups and downs, but I always got bad vibes about his best friend of 5 years. I was cordial with his best friend up until a few nights ago, me and my boyfriend got in a small fight (that is resolved and irrelevant to the issue on hand). But I texted my boyfriends Best friend asking him to talk to my boyfriend because he need some support at that time, and I knew I was not in the right mind set to help my boyfriend at the moment. But his best friend told me he was not goin to get involved "in a lovers quarrel", but unbeknownst to be at the time my boyfriend and him where texting. So I responded with something I regretted say right away, I do not remember exactly what

I said but I said like "I always had to feel you where a false friend and just this proves my point, that you will not help your best friend in his time of need". And then his best friend responded with "We are done with you, good lock with life" and blocked me on every from of social media and unfriend me on all are video games.

 

Fast-forward to the next day luckily me and my boyfriend had are couples therapy session. And we talked about the issue with him, and are therapist suggested that my boyfriend try to mediate the issue be and his best friend. And tell his best friend the "whole" story and that I was under a misunderstanding and am sorry for my actions. So my boyfriend did what are therapist suggested, and his best friend response was "Not any time soon. (and this needs to be a don't-ask-me-I'll-tell-you-if-and-when-I'm-ready thing)" and he further replied with "When he not only attacked my value as a friend to you, but also said he'd already felt that way, that was a crossed lime for me that I can't just forgive. he need to learn there are consequences for that sort of behavior." If you are wondering how I know what he said word for word, because me and my boyfriend have a vary open relationship and I have access to his facebook and him my.

Here is the whole transcript names redacted for privacy and for more context all three of us are on the autism spectrum. I just want to know if I am in the wrong he and should back down. sorry for the long post but there lot of context that need to be know. And FYI this is him to his best friend. And FYI i asked my boyfriend if I mean or abusive to him and he told me no. I have never once raised my hand to him or hit him, yes I have yelled and cursed and said thing I regret but we always work it out after and come out stronger in the end for it. I feel that his best friend is attacking me and and pitting my boyfriend against me, and making me look like a predator.

Am I the ***?

You sent June 14 at 9:02 PM

I don't know what I did wrong

sent June 14 at 9:03 PM

I'll listen but I'm not giving any input, you've both messaged me and I promise there's nothing constructive from a friend getting involved in a lovers quarrel

You sent June 14 at 9:05 PM

I was preparing my stream and something happened to his game on the server he's on. He was asking me to spell a lot of words for him and I felt the pressure of being asked too many questions like it was at home. Then he got pissed, started hitting himself and yelled at me about being selfish

You sent June 14 at 9:06 PM

Now he's gone for a walk while I'm here upsetYou sent June 14 at 9:07 PMI'm fearing the worst at the moment

sent June 14 at 9:08 PM

No, now he's being abusive toward me because I told him I wouldn't get involved in a quarrel between you two

You sent June 14 at 9:08 PM

Oh god...You sent June 14 at 9:08 PMI respect your decision not to get involved, I just need someone to vent toYou sent June 14 at 9:09 PMWe see my Therapist tomorrow, hopefully he can help

sent June 14 at 9:11 PM

I'm done with him. I don't need that kind of abuse.

You sent June 14 at 9:13 PM

You are not a false friend. I've known you for a very long time and know you're genuine

sent June 14 at 9:18 PM

And now I am going to get a little involved here, because he pushed me into taking a side. (yours, naturally)Seth sent June 14 at 9:18 PMYou aren't selfish for not dropping everything and catering to his every demand.Seth sent June 14 at 9:18 PMYou're entitled to do your own thing sometimes, in this case that would be your stream. I have noticed, and mentioned before, that he is incredibly disruptive while you're streaming.Seth sent June 14 at 9:18 PMIt kind of gives me the impression, from an outside perspective, that he would rather have your attention on him during that time, but doesn't want to or can't tell you that directly.

You sent June 14 at 9:18 PM

I know that, I've been trying to ask him to do something else while I'm doing my streams

sent June 14 at 9:20 PM

I also really don't like the way he talks to you sometimes, an example would be when you started having technical difficulty with FFXIII whenever that was, and he yelled and swore *** at you. It's one thing to have frustration with a partner - and I fight sometimes for example - but it's another entirely to yell and attack.

You sent June 14 at 9:23 PM

I know. He gets frustrated when stuff isn't going his way. I was like that too.

sent June 14 at 9:23 PM

Has he actually said that to you before? That I'm a false friend?

You sent June 14 at 9:25 PM

I think he's said it once or twice before

sent June 14 at 9:26 PM

And yet I've shown you time and time again just how much you mean to me, so you know that's some bull***

You sent June 14 at 9:27 PM

I know it is, and those times I just brushed it off because I know you're an amazing friend and personYou sent June 14 at 9:28 PMHeck, I'm glad I met you and Jacko. You guys are fun to be around

sent June 14 at 9:29 PM

Having a partner trying to pull you away from your other friends is a red flag. There's no sugarcoating that oneSeth sent June 14 at 9:29 PMAnd how many of your "stream canceled for personal reasons" (and there have been a high number lately) have been some form of "my boyfriend made me feel like *** and I can't people right now"? Just something to think about

You sent June 14 at 9:29 PM

Actually not a lot of them, some of them I either had an emergency, or I just didn't feel like doing it

sent June 14 at 9:30 PM

I'll take your word for it then

You sent June 14 at 9:31 PM

He's upset now because he ruined his relationship with you. He knows how important you are to me

sent June 14 at 9:33 PM

I can't make room in my life for someone who's going to be nasty toward me the moment something doesn't go their way. You might not feel empowered to stand up to him when he treats you like that, but I am and I will

You sent June 14 at 9:33 PM

I understand thatYou sent June 14 at 9:35 PMThat's happened to me many times. More recently with the whole Armchair Wizards debacle

sent June 14 at 9:37 PM

I think if he'd attacked in some other way I might not have been so NOPE, but no way am I going to tolerate him calling my loyalty in question toward someone who I'm proud to call a best friendSeth sent June 14 at 9:37 PMand for him to phrase it in such a way that indicates he already thought that about me, and you verified he has in fact said that before, that sealed it

You sent June 14 at 9:39 PM

Like I said, we have therapy tomorrow afternoon so it'll hopefully help us a bitYou sent June 14 at 9:40 PMThanks for listening man. You're the best

Best of luck with the therapist tomorrow~~

You sent June 14 at 9:46 PM

Thanks

Tue 4:47 PM

You sent Yesterday at 4:47 PM

I feel like last night got a little heated after that. He didn't realize I was texting you after he texted you. He thought you were refusing to help me at all. Is there any chance we can try to patch things up? If yes, that would be great, if not, I understand.

Seth sent Yesterday at 4:56 PM

Not any time soon. (and this needs to be a don't-ask-me-I'll-tell-you-if-and-when-I'm-ready thing)Seth sent Yesterday at 4:56 PMWhen he not only attacked my value as a friend to you, but also said he'd already felt that way, that was a crossed line for me that I can't just forgive. He needs to learn there are consequences for that sort of behavior.

You sent Yesterday at 4:57 PM

I understand

You sent Yesterday at 5:07 PM

I still love Kurtis very much and he will take priority, he is my boyfriend and all, I hope you understand that. I hope this will not affect our relationship.

Seth sent Yesterday at 5:13 PM

I have no beef with you, only with him. You'd still be welcome to come hang out.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

1 hour ago, omega1983kpn said:

But I texted my boyfriends Best friend asking him to talk to my boyfriend because he need some support at that time, and I knew I was not in the right mind set to help my boyfriend at the moment. But his best friend told me he was not goin to get involved "in a lovers quarrel"

 

1 hour ago, omega1983kpn said:

I said but I said like "I always had to feel you where a false friend and just this proves my point, that you will not help your best friend in his time of need".

I think YOU  need to back away from their friendship.  And NOT give your opinion on what goes on between them.

Do not come between them.  If they've been friends for a good while, what goes on between them is their own issue's.  Don't cross those lines.

 

Of course friends talk.  That's what they're there for. Whether your bf chooses to talk about it all with his friend or not, is all up to him.

Same goes for you & your friends.  

I'm sure your bf can handle his own with his friends.  You cannot control any of that.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hi op,

I think it's best to stop talking to his best friend. That's his best friend, not yours. You've asked him to talk to your boyfriend after a fight, when you do not like said friend. Why?

Anyways, it's best to just focus on your boyfriend and relationship with him. 

The issue isn't the best friend, it's the ongoing fights you and your boyfriend are having. I must also note, curing and yelling can be seen as abusive. There are better ways to express anger and that's something you should be working on, no excuses. 

Verbal abuse is real. And it's something people dismiss because it's not visible like physical abuse. 

Dont use the best friend as a cover up, focus on your anger issues and the ongoing fights with your boyfriend. 

 

I wish you the best. 

Edited by Mona Lisa
Link to comment
Share on other sites

man oh man if I was his friend I would be totally pissed at your behavior too. I do not blame this friend for being upset. How can I say this..... You need to learn self control, and talk to your therapist about learning some coping skills. How you handle situations in your relationship, and with his friends is destructive and selfish. This is why things are rocky.

I think the first step is to not have access to your BF's phone or his social media anymore. Digging for answered, invading..yes INVADING your BF's privacy is not a healthy means to deal with things. It only creates more anxiety/insecurity. It's a cycle of, "I'm insecure, I seek reassurance, I snoop in his stuff, see nothing I get a hit of feeling ok"....then it happens again...you get insecure, etc. The more you do it, the worse it gets. So if you don't learn a different way to deal with your insecurity/anxiety, this will never change, and your BF will be kicking you to the curb.

Edited by smackie9
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Unfortunately, you and your BF seem rather incompatible. You're in couples therapy after dating  2 years? 

Stay in your own lane with regard to friends.

You communicate and hang out with your own friends, family, neighbors, coworkers, etc. Leave his alone.

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Restore formatting

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

 Share

×
×
  • Create New...