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Confused about a crush


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On 6/17/2021 at 8:07 AM, MissCanuck said:

Yeah, how kind of him to chat up another woman on the internet when he has a girlfriend. 

I don't mean to be harsh, but you need to get your head out of the clouds about this guy. He's not the perfect specimen you imagine him to be. You have him on a pedestal because you admit you have little to compare him to. But really good guys? They don't do crap like this. 

He's not avilable to you. You are starting to treat this like you're dating, but you are not. He's a shady guy with a girlfriend who looks for a little side ego-stroking. It's best you stop contact with him, because it will only hurt you. The chances that he's going to leave his girlfriend for a woman he met online are slim-to-none, and then where will you be? 

Time to unplug and detach from him, and work on meeting people locally. You need the socialization, it seems, so find some local interest groups and like-minded people. Shutting yourself away and chatting up some taken dude on the internet is not the path to happiness, OP. 

Thank you.. Your advice is like a bucket of hold, sobering water.. In a good way, I mean! I know you are right and I will try to follow your advice as much as I can.. It just seems so hard because we have a lot of things and views in common. Except for this issue with chatting to me while he has a gf, he seems good and kind. But to be honest, your replies helped me to open my eyes wide and I start to get a little angry that he used me as an ego booster. But the problem is I get a but angry and decide to ignore him and throw him out of my head, and then I start to remember how we played "guess a Beatles song by saying the lyrics" during FaceTime and it warms my heart and my heart starts resisting to admit the bitter truth. But thank you so much!!! You helped me hugely to get on the way of sobering up and recovering! 

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On 6/17/2021 at 1:05 AM, Wiseman2 said:

Unfortunately, he's not a good person either if he is chatting/flirting with you and has a GF.

 You can and will find the right type of guy if  you are careful of red flags and have appropriate screening criteria.

You are so very right, I did the same mistake twice with the same guy and didn't learn anything.. I will though.. 

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On 6/17/2021 at 1:01 AM, Andrina said:

You're going to have to change this about your life. Even introverts need friends. You can't have a bf be the sole center of your universe. That's too smothering for him--too much pressure that he's your only social outlet. And not healthy for you, as won't you feel as though your world is falling apart if you have no other support system if a breakup happens?

And only broken people will be attracted to you when you are not a well-rounded person with friends, hobbies/interests, and a fulfilling life besides wanting a romantic companion.

So the few guys you dated weren't good matches? Totally normal. That's the point of dating--to see if you want to continue with someone or not. It doesn't mean living in cyber space la-la-land will spare you those hurts or frustrations. In fact, it's worse because you get overly involved with an unknown person without seeing the reality of what local dating would show you far sooner. 

And stick to being an ethical person for better results. If you wouldn't want a girl online to be flirting with your bf, don't engage in that activity yourself. It's selfish, it's self-sabotaging, and two wrongs will never result in happily ever after. He knows you have a crush on him and that he's doing something wrong by going behind his gf's back to speak to you. That's a crappy thing to do and you know it. He's no prize so take off those rose-colored glasses. In doing what's ethically right, you'll have better success with your goals rather than expecting any happiness will come from having an emotional affair.

I can't express it enough how much I'm grateful for your reply! It feels like you read a huge psychology book on my case and summarized the most important things for me❤

That's true and it did happen to me before, my ex bf was the center of my life before and after the breakup my life fell apart into tiny pieces. I tend to be like this about every guy, he gets in my head and he's everything I can think about, everything I do is to be closer to him and such. I know it's wrong but I have a problem with making friends either. Well, hopefully when lockdown ends and I go back to the office I'll make a couple of friends but unfortunately it's under a big question as it's hard for me

Nonetheless, you are incredibly right about the ethical side of this issue. I did a bad thing and then regretted it very much. And now I've done the same thing (although I don't know for sure if he has a gf still but it's still a possibility) and feel bad again. The same mistake with the same person and I understand that. I'm very weak and I feel bad to refuse him in chatting or sending selfies and such. Foolishly I let myself be led on 

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2 hours ago, CryingDuckie said:

Except for this issue with chatting to me while he has a gf, he seems good and kind.

But it is this very issue which demonstrates that he is not good and kind. 

This is a core character defect, OP.

 

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  • 1 month later...
On 6/16/2021 at 5:10 PM, CryingDuckie said:

I believe in online friendship anyway, even if he's a lying cheater.. 😞

This is a poor way to engage in talking to guys. You need to address some things in your life and stop undermining and sabotaging your happiness.

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