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Confused about a crush


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Hello everyone! I'm new here and I hope not to violate any rules. 

But I'm wishing everyone well and a huge thank you if I get a reply to a bunch of nonsense I'm about to tell... 

The thing is I have a crush on my friend whom I met online 10 months ago.. He told me back then he had a girlfriend but I got a crush anyway. We talked lots during first 2,3 months. After I understood that I had a crush, we somehow got into flirting. He told me things were rocky between him and his gf, he never led me on and told me the flirt was just for fun. I didn't like it but I had feelings for him and I was happy to get a bit closer. Sometime after I felt bad for it, of course

After 2,3 months things slowed down. I offered to send him a birthday box but he refused afraid to hurt his gf. He was also very busy and I didn't want to text first too and bother him. Back then I was quite hurt but it was more or less bearable, it didn't give me such a huge depression as now. Then we didn't chat for almost two months but we did send Christmas congratulations. And since then we were chatting once in a few weeks. Once we even chatted all night in April. But I wasn't hurting anymore, felt like the crush was gone and I just liked him as a person. But I was very happy to chat with him every time anyway. And then a little more thank a week ago he texted me and offered FaceTime. I was super nervous but agreed and it lasted for more than 5 hours. It was the happiest time of my life, truly. We laughed and smiled non stop, and I saw what a wonderful person he is. I mean I knew him pretty well before from all the talking but in real life all his good qualities just stand out and scream, there's so much about him I was astonished to find out and see. He's an incredibly warm person. I knew he was exceptionally kind but seeing it in real life, his kindness was even bigger. And generally I felt incredibly attracted to him. I love everything about him, his views, how his mind works, how he treats his family, how I feel with him, our things in common, I love his eyes and nose and lips, hands, his face and body in general. He's truly perfect. And during FaceTime he couldn't stop complimenting me for all those hours. He would exclaim out of the blue "Gosh, you're so cute!" or "Everything from your eyebrows to your chin is beautiful" and other things. And also exclaimed "gosh! Why didn't we do it before!" (meaning FaceTime) and I just happily laughed, smiled and agreed. I felt like the most happiest girl in the world, I felt liked and wanted and I saw he was incredibly happy to see me and talk to me and the same was from me.. That chat gave me hopes to be with him. It also gave me hopes for another FaceTime. The crush came back and now I have hopes and want to be with him so much.. I knew him pretty well before but from this chat I saw him a lot better..  It was absolutely amazing.. We talked about meeting and what we would do and we flirted a bit too.. (Which is bad if he still has a girlfriend). But that's the thing, I was afraid to ask because I was afraid to hear he does have a girlfriend still, he's been with her for a long time and so I didn't ask but I want to be with him so much.. Just scared of the truth.. And now it feels like a long time ago and he's been busy, we barely talked and I'm scared it won't happen again, although he "yelled" how great it is to chat to me and that we should do it again.. I texted him exactly a week after the video chat hoping he would offer it again, I also sent him a silly short video of myself but the conversation was short and made me very, very sad. I felt like we would chat again so soon but that hope crushed. And now I'm suffering from hopes to be with him, from fear he has a girlfriend, and I'm terrified that all that talk about meeting was just empty flirt for fun, even though he sounded like he really wanted me, it seemed serious at the time and I believed it was serious.. I'm just tortured and it never made me so depressed.. So very tortured.. I had crushes before but this time it's different.. This time I can't cope. I miss him badly and want to chat or FaceTime and want to be with him but I'm scared he has a gf. And I sit and think.. Why would he spend his entire Saturday evening chatting to me when he's so very busy and it gives me hopes.. But I'm terrified it was one time thing, even though he exclaimed he wanted more and we should have done it before... 

What I'm confused about is the difference between how we were on FaceTime. I can't even express it enough, it was never ending smiling, laughing. I was probably looking at him with hearts in my eyes and to be honest, I felt like he's attracted to me too. He was looking at me with huge kindness in his eyes and I hope I saw feelings too. But now I'm confused, the difference between that video chat and our barely talking since then hurts badly. 

Another thing is that somebody told me that if he was into me he wouldn't stop texting me and such. I know he's very busy, but that thought saddens me that maybe it's true. Maybe it's true that if he had feelings for me, was into me, he'd get every opportunity to talk to me

I'm scared to ask him if he has a gf because I'm afraid of being hurt very badly in case of bitter truth

I don't know if I should confess my feelings because I didn't the first time as I read advice online that you shouldn't confess your feelings to you crush if he/she isn't single. I'm scared to make him uncomfortable or lose him at all

I'm confused whether he has feelings for me because during video chat I certainly felt like he did. But I'm scared it was empty flirt for fun, all the talking about meeting. I have no idea how men's minds work

Another thing that scares me is that he said during video chat "we're thousands of miles away from each other". I don't remember the context whatsoever but scared it was a hint that we can't be together.. 

That's about everything that's torturing me.. I will be immensely grateful to all kinds of replies, thoughts or advice... 

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37 minutes ago, CryingDuckie said:

I'm scared to ask him if he has a gf because I'm afraid of being hurt

You need to know whether you are friends or he's cheating or he's interested. Don't live in a fantasy.

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Girl, you need to get your head on straight. This guy has been monkey branching with you and whomever else behind his GFs back. That's bad. If he does it with you, he's doing it with other. He's not BF material.

Tip: flirty/cheating people always say their relationship is rocky...it's usual not true.

Edited by smackie9
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Come on girl, he's looking for a quick thrill on the internet.  He is the one that is in fantasy land.

Time to wake up and see it for what it is, just a thrill and a ego boost.  Your time is being wasted "hoping".  He told you he had a girlfriend because he does not want you to come closer.

 

Edited by The Invisible Man
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Hey, OP. Sorry you are dealing with this.

Learn where you stand with this guyIt is worth finding out if he is still with his girlfriend. It seems you suspect he still is (I agree with that suspicion, given his past flirting with you). It would hurt if he is, but at least you would know and would be able to move forward from there. 

If he is still has a girlfriend while doing these date- or relationship-like activities with you, then perhaps he isn't the perfect man you make him out to be... It would be pretty scummy of him to be using you at your and his girlfriend's expense.

Edited by Pleasedonot5
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The sad part is that his gf probably knows what he is and puts him in his place regularly. Ever wonder why the relationship is "rocky" or the reasoning behind it? 

He uses you as a confidence booster because his real life is in shambles. It's too transparent and obvious. Leave this person alone, find your self-worth again spending time with your friends and family in person. No one worth their mettle would treat their partner this way. 

And if he's not with his gf? Why would you want to be someone's long distance rebound? This is really settling for scraps.

You don't need to ask him about his love life or speak to him again. He's also a great distance away from you so this is not realistic overall. 

I can understand if you're having fun with it but it sounds like you're really twisted up in a knot over this dude and he's not worth it.

 

 

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3 hours ago, CryingDuckie said:

Once we even chatted all night in April. But I wasn't hurting anymore, felt like the crush was gone and I just liked him as a person. But I was very happy to chat with him every time anyway. And then a little more thank a week ago he texted me and offered FaceTime. I was super nervous but agreed and it lasted for more than 5 hours. It was the happiest time of my life, truly. We laughed and smiled non stop, and I saw what a wonderful person he is.

Sadly, you may have been kinda led on, again 😕 .

Seems you are WAY into this guy... and I feel, yes he's a 'nice guy', but what if he is still involved?

Even if he wasn't, their relationship was 'long term', so he would not be 'able' to get involved and be able to 'give' as one should re: a relationship.  So, all you are hoping, good possiblity it's not there.

Not sure if it was a good idea going there and ending up with your hopes back up there, once again.

I suggest you just get to the heart of the matter.  Ask him and get it all cleared up.

And then YOU consider if you can just be 'friends' with this guy or is it time to move on.... ( I assume he's also at a distance).

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10 hours ago, SooSad33 said:

Sadly, you may have been kinda led on, again 😕 .

Seems you are WAY into this guy... and I feel, yes he's a 'nice guy', but what if he is still involved?

Even if he wasn't, their relationship was 'long term', so he would not be 'able' to get involved and be able to 'give' as one should re: a relationship.  So, all you are hoping, good possiblity it's not there.

Not sure if it was a good idea going there and ending up with your hopes back up there, once again.

I suggest you just get to the heart of the matter.  Ask him and get it all cleared up.

And then YOU consider if you can just be 'friends' with this guy or is it time to move on.... ( I assume he's also at a distance).

I agree with you, as days go by I think and wish that the FaceTime chat never happened, it brought up all this sadness, confusion and made my self-esteem go way too high and then way too low. 

I will try to gather my strength and ask him and clear the things up.. Thank you so much for helping to open up my eyes a little and for such a great advice! You are very right, I got way into this guy and having real trouble to get out.. I resist to get out because I understand I want to be with him but I also understand that all this is not how it should be.. Thank you... 

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13 hours ago, Rose Mosse said:

The sad part is that his gf probably knows what he is and puts him in his place regularly. Ever wonder why the relationship is "rocky" or the reasoning behind it? 

He uses you as a confidence booster because his real life is in shambles. It's too transparent and obvious. Leave this person alone, find your self-worth again spending time with your friends and family in person. No one worth their mettle would treat their partner this way. 

And if he's not with his gf? Why would you want to be someone's long distance rebound? This is really settling for scraps.

You don't need to ask him about his love life or speak to him again. He's also a great distance away from you so this is not realistic overall. 

I can understand if you're having fun with it but it sounds like you're really twisted up in a knot over this dude and he's not worth it.

 

 

I'm afraid I have more than just fun with it, I got really into him and I can't seem to move on.. What you are saying though makes real sense and I'm just scared that maybe you are right.. Remembering his warm kind smile and face I just don't want to believe that he used me as a booster.. As much as it might make sense. I know it's silly.. But thank you very much for your advice and a mature perspective, I appreciate it a lot and even though I resist to believe in it, I find your words very helpful against confusion! Thank you so much! 

 

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13 hours ago, Pleasedonot5 said:

Hey, OP. Sorry you are dealing with this.

Learn where you stand with this guyIt is worth finding out if he is still with his girlfriend. It seems you suspect he still is (I agree with that suspicion, given his past flirting with you). It would hurt if he is, but at least you would know and would be able to move forward from there. 

If he is still has a girlfriend while doing these date- or relationship-like activities with you, then perhaps he isn't the perfect man you make him out to be... It would be pretty scummy of him to be using you at your and his girlfriend's expense.

Thank you so very much!! I promise I'll ask him what's going on and where we stand.. I just need to gather my strength as I really don't want to seem needy to him or demanding or anything of the kind. But I know you are right, I should find out and then if he has a gf, move on.. Somehow, through being hurt, but move on... 

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13 hours ago, The Invisible Man said:

Come on girl, he's looking for a quick thrill on the internet.  He is the one that is in fantasy land.

Time to wake up and see it for what it is, just a thrill and a ego boost.  Your time is being wasted "hoping".  He told you he had a girlfriend because he does not want you to come closer.

 

I'm so very afraid that you might be right.. It's just I remember his smiles, his kind eyes, warm vibes and I so resist to believe he used me as a ego boost.. He seems so kind. But he does text me rarely, once in a few weeks. I'm scared of the bitter truth that if he had feelings for me, he'd text more often. But these rare times are truly suspicious and what you say makes sense with it.. I'm afraid that you might be right but I appreciate your advice a lot, thank you.. 

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14 hours ago, smackie9 said:

Girl, you need to get your head on straight. This guy has been monkey branching with you and whomever else behind his GFs back. That's bad. If he does it with you, he's doing it with other. He's not BF material.

Tip: flirty/cheating people always say their relationship is rocky...it's usual not true.

I don't like what he does either, it's very bad and wrong and I feel bad for doing it.. It's just after I understood I had feelings for him, I gave in. And after we ended flirting when we met we did stop talking. He was incredibly busy but I did suspect that no flirt with me was so a contributor. Yet he claims we're friends.. If he does it with other girls then you are totally right. He's not a boyfriend material no matter how kind or good he seems. I would understand if he was just exceptionally attracted to me only, that I was the reason. But if he does it with others it's not me being super attractive, it's him being that way and it's not good.. I hope it's all not true but thank you so much for opening my eyes to this possibility.. I'll be alert and try to find out what's going on

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14 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

You need to know whether you are friends or he's cheating or he's interested. Don't live in a fantasy.

I will.. I promise I will as soon as I feel ready.. I know I should do it soon but it just seems so hard.. 

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Instead of investing even more time in this unknown gamble, why not find a real guy in person who asks you out and wants to date you and is not engaging in questionable behavior?

The sooner you delete and block this guy, the sooner you can start talking to and meeting decent guys in person.

You're not a helpless victim of your crush. You have the choice and power to end this and delete and block him.

Engaging in self-defeating behaviors is not about him or his dreamy eyes, it's a problem you need to address.

You also have the power to get on dating apps and date real-life single available interested guys.

Edited by Wiseman2
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3 hours ago, CryingDuckie said:

I'm afraid I have more than just fun with it, I got really into him and I can't seem to move on.. What you are saying though makes real sense and I'm just scared that maybe you are right.. Remembering his warm kind smile and face I just don't want to believe that he used me as a booster.. As much as it might make sense. I know it's silly.. But thank you very much for your advice and a mature perspective, I appreciate it a lot and even though I resist to believe in it, I find your words very helpful against confusion! Thank you so much! 

 

You are very welcome. You can start with that thought right there in bold. Squash that negative self-talk and think outside of that. If you keep repeating the same broken record in your mind you'll keep reliving the same mess again and again, change all that.

You can move on and it's mind over matter. Shut down the communication with this person (block or delete), engage with your friends in real time, go out for coffees or to the park, ask your siblings what they're up to, join interest groups and make new friends. Look for projects around the house and do some crafts. Join a sports team or try some recreational sports or a dance class. I see them dancing around all the time outside in parks and beaches. Take up martial arts or see if there are classes you like available outdoors and with social distancing. What about jewellery-making, photography and gardening? 

There's lots to do - take your mind outside of this person. Anyone can look warm and kind. All they have to do is smile. Meet new people. You'll find everyone looks warm and kind too if you smile. Don't even worry about this guy. 

 

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You do not know him in "real life". You see words on a screen and a video image over an electronic device.

Now that the world is recovering from the pandemic you can get out from behind your computer or put down your phone and meet people in actual real life. Trust me, it will be so much more fun and fulfilling than an electronic "relationship" with a lying cheater.

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8 hours ago, CryingDuckie said:

Thank you so very much!! I promise I'll ask him what's going on and where we stand.. I just need to gather my strength as I really don't want to seem needy to him or demanding or anything of the kind. But I know you are right, I should find out and then if he has a gf, move on.. Somehow, through being hurt, but move on... 

No need to promise that. If the knowledge would benefit you, I say find out. Is there any way you can find out without asking him directly? I.e., if he maintains a Facebook account, perhaps you can see his relationship status on there. If not, if he tries to start up the flirting with you again, you could ask how his relationship is going.

(I recognize that there is a split among posters on this thread regarding finding out if he is still with someone. I acknowledge that it may be helpful for many just to disregard someone like that and move on, but for me, knowing the facts of the situation helps tremendously. It is up to you to choose which path seems most beneficial for you). 

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9 minutes ago, Pleasedonot5 said:

No need to promise that. If the knowledge would benefit you, I say find out. Is there any way you can find out without asking him directly? I.e., if he maintains a Facebook account, perhaps you can see his relationship status on there. If not, if he tries to start up the flirting with you again, you could ask how his relationship is going.

(I recognize that there is a split among posters on this thread regarding finding out if he is still with someone. I acknowledge that it may be helpful for many just to disregard someone like that and move on, but for me, knowing the facts of the situation helps tremendously. It is up to you to choose which path seems most beneficial for you). 

I agree with you, I want to know the truth and then deal with it whether it's bitter on earth. All the replies to my post opened my eyes yet I still feel reluctant to just delete and block him, in other aspects of life he's a good person. We've been talking for 10 months, on and off but he did say he considered me as his friend and I consider him my friend too. He supported me when I lost my grandfather 2 months ago. 

I'll see if he has a gf, if he does I will try my very best not to flirt with him. If he doesn't I'll try to find out what's going on with us.. 

Thank you again so very much!!! ❤

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4 hours ago, boltnrun said:

You do not know him in "real life". You see words on a screen and a video image over an electronic device.

Now that the world is recovering from the pandemic you can get out from behind your computer or put down your phone and meet people in actual real life. Trust me, it will be so much more fun and fulfilling than an electronic "relationship" with a lying cheater.

We don't even have a relationship.. But thank you for a firm advice! I understand that an electronic thing isn't a real relationship but I believe in online friendship anyway, even if he's a lying cheater.. 😞

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6 hours ago, Rose Mosse said:

You are very welcome. You can start with that thought right there in bold. Squash that negative self-talk and think outside of that. If you keep repeating the same broken record in your mind you'll keep reliving the same mess again and again, change all that.

You can move on and it's mind over matter. Shut down the communication with this person (block or delete), engage with your friends in real time, go out for coffees or to the park, ask your siblings what they're up to, join interest groups and make new friends. Look for projects around the house and do some crafts. Join a sports team or try some recreational sports or a dance class. I see them dancing around all the time outside in parks and beaches. Take up martial arts or see if there are classes you like available outdoors and with social distancing. What about jewellery-making, photography and gardening? 

There's lots to do - take your mind outside of this person. Anyone can look warm and kind. All they have to do is smile. Meet new people. You'll find everyone looks warm and kind too if you smile. Don't even worry about this guy. 

 

Your words make such perfect sense:) especially about the smiles! 

Yet I'm a big introvert and I have no friends, this guy is like my only friend, an online friend so it's hard, I don't like being in public too. But it's a really good idea. I love hiking though so I'll get out on a hike and reconnect with nature. I'm sure you're right and it will make me better, and my mind too. Huge, huge thank you! 

 

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9 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Instead of investing even more time in this unknown gamble, why not find a real guy in person who asks you out and wants to date you and is not engaging in questionable behavior?

The sooner you delete and block this guy, the sooner you can start talking to and meeting decent guys in person.

You're not a helpless victim of your crush. You have the choice and power to end this and delete and block him.

Engaging in self-defeating behaviors is not about him or his dreamy eyes, it's a problem you need to address.

You also have the power to get on dating apps and date real-life single available interested guys.

That's pretty hard. I lived up to 23 years old and never had a boyfriend in my life. I was never liked by anyone whom I would like too and a couple of guys who liked me weren't good people. 

That's why it's so hard to let this guy go and move on.. 

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44 minutes ago, CryingDuckie said:

Yet I'm a big introvert and I have no friends, this guy is like my only friend, an online friend so it's hard, I don't like being in public too. But it's a really good idea. I love hiking though so I'll get out on a hike and reconnect with nature. I'm sure you're right and it will make me better, and my mind too. Huge, huge thank you!

You're going to have to change this about your life. Even introverts need friends. You can't have a bf be the sole center of your universe. That's too smothering for him--too much pressure that he's your only social outlet. And not healthy for you, as won't you feel as though your world is falling apart if you have no other support system if a breakup happens?

And only broken people will be attracted to you when you are not a well-rounded person with friends, hobbies/interests, and a fulfilling life besides wanting a romantic companion.

So the few guys you dated weren't good matches? Totally normal. That's the point of dating--to see if you want to continue with someone or not. It doesn't mean living in cyber space la-la-land will spare you those hurts or frustrations. In fact, it's worse because you get overly involved with an unknown person without seeing the reality of what local dating would show you far sooner. 

And stick to being an ethical person for better results. If you wouldn't want a girl online to be flirting with your bf, don't engage in that activity yourself. It's selfish, it's self-sabotaging, and two wrongs will never result in happily ever after. He knows you have a crush on him and that he's doing something wrong by going behind his gf's back to speak to you. That's a crappy thing to do and you know it. He's no prize so take off those rose-colored glasses. In doing what's ethically right, you'll have better success with your goals rather than expecting any happiness will come from having an emotional affair.

Edited by Andrina
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41 minutes ago, CryingDuckie said:

and a couple of guys who liked me weren't good people. 

Unfortunately, he's not a good person either if he is chatting/flirting with you and has a GF.

 You can and will find the right type of guy if  you are careful of red flags and have appropriate screening criteria.

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16 hours ago, CryingDuckie said:

He seems so kind

Yeah, how kind of him to chat up another woman on the internet when he has a girlfriend. 

I don't mean to be harsh, but you need to get your head out of the clouds about this guy. He's not the perfect specimen you imagine him to be. You have him on a pedestal because you admit you have little to compare him to. But really good guys? They don't do crap like this. 

He's not avilable to you. You are starting to treat this like you're dating, but you are not. He's a shady guy with a girlfriend who looks for a little side ego-stroking. It's best you stop contact with him, because it will only hurt you. The chances that he's going to leave his girlfriend for a woman he met online are slim-to-none, and then where will you be? 

Time to unplug and detach from him, and work on meeting people locally. You need the socialization, it seems, so find some local interest groups and like-minded people. Shutting yourself away and chatting up some taken dude on the internet is not the path to happiness, OP. 

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