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FWB acting strange


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My colleague (who is also my friend) and I have been attracted to each other for a long time. We both became single a while ago and thats when he started hitting on me openly. We slept together and it turned into a FWB.

Neither of us wants a serious relationship now. He’s a bit younger so I gues that’s another thing that prevents me from seeing us as a couple. I enjoy the sex, the cuddling and the closeness, but that’s it.

I was hoping things wouldn’t change between us (yes I know sex changes everything, but still) and our friendship would stay the same. However, his behaviour became strange and confusing.

We chat almost daily at work, he initiates the conversations a lot. One day he is distant, sometimes even acts superior, negging me a lot and making fun of me. Next day he would act normal. Then he would start calling me “love” and telling me how much he loves me but in a clearly sarcastic way as if it was a great joke.

He complained once that I should initiate our meetings more but then when I did, he brushed off my advances. I don’t know if it’s some sort of a power play but it’s not something I quite understand. E.g. yesterday he offered he’d come over (it’s been couple of days without sex) but I told him I’m meeting with a guy friend. So we discussed that we’d meet probably today. We were talking on the phone today and when I suggested he’d come today, he said he didn’t feel like it and for the rest of the day was quite distant in texting. His moods and behaviour seems very unpredictable now.

Can you help me understand what is going on here?

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10 minutes ago, vsbmakajn said:

I tried, but he acts like nothing's wrong.

Well, then, only you can decide if you want to continue this arrangement. You are free to disengage if it's not working for you. 

But reading between the lines, are you sure you don't want something more with him?

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22 minutes ago, vsbmakajn said:

Can you help me understand what is going on here?

He's being a jerk and cocky because he's getting some. Stop sleeping with him.

Even if you don't want anything serious, sleeping with a clown like this then having to work with him  will feel worse than even your last breakup did.

Just end it. Tell him you've decided you would rather not continue. Do this before he tells everyone in the workplace every detail about your sex lives.. he seems like that kind of jerk.

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31 minutes ago, vsbmakajn said:

I was hoping things wouldn’t change between us (yes I know sex changes everything, but still) and our friendship would stay the same. However, his behaviour became strange and confusing.

We chat almost daily at work, he initiates the conversations a lot. One day he is distant, sometimes even acts superior

Could it be that HE is struggling along - trying to deal with after effects of his last relationship BU?

Yes, if it goes beyond basic friendship, that can change things - but not everyone gets  'emotionally invested'.

 

Why did you mention it was a 'guy friend' you were hanging with?

I don't fancy his behaviour.  I suggest you get out of this with him.

 

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19 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

But reading between the lines, are you sure you don't want something more with him?

What made you think that? I'm honestly curious. I mean, women ususally do catch feelings in such arrangements, so maybe it's my case too, I just don't see it yet.

To be honest I did consider whether that was the reason I'm overthinking it so much.  But I came to the same conclusion each time - I'm positive that I don't want a relationship with him, yet I still love him as a friend. The way I see it, love has many forms and doesn't have to result in relationship. I'm bothered because his behaviour as someone I've been close with towards me changed.

P.S.: sorry for my grammar, English is not my native language.

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Do you really want to put that much weight in someone who seems unstable and unpredictable? When someone shows you what they are, do believe it.

Don't try to overanalyze or do any wishful thinking. This is not a match. He's not even a pleasant fwb.

 

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End it. You're FWB but have the complications of a relationship.  Which the whole point of FWB  is to avoid that. 

I also would not tolerate the pouty, baby way he acts- hot and cold the most unattractive things ever. 

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21 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

He's being a jerk and cocky because he's getting some. Stop sleeping with him.

Even if you don't want anything serious, sleeping with a clown like this then having to work with him  will feel worse than even your last breakup did.

Just end it. Tell him you've decided you would rather not continue. Do this before he tells everyone in the workplace every detail about your sex lives.. he seems like that kind of jerk.

Thank you for your opinion, totally agree on the cocky part. I'm not worried he'd tell anyone in the workplace though, he is very discreet and reliable, that's one thing I know for sure. The way I pictured him it must seem he is a jerk truly, but he wasn't always like this, it started after we slept together.

I'm considering ending the sex part for the sake of our friendship, just don't know how to go about it yet.

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5 minutes ago, vsbmakajn said:

What made you think that?

Your concern over him acting differently. 

If all you wanted was casual sex, you likely wouldn't care very much if he was distant sometimes. Your emotions are getting involved here. 

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20 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

Could it be that HE is struggling along - trying to deal with after effects of his last relationship BU?

Yes, if it goes beyond basic friendship, that can change things - but not everyone gets  'emotionally invested'.

 

Why did you mention it was a 'guy friend' you were hanging with?

I don't fancy his behaviour.  I suggest you get out of this with him.

 

His last break up was overdue. He'd known for months he wanted to end it.

I mentioned the guy friend because he seemed jealous and the next day his words and actions seemed as if him not coming to my place were his way of revenge, or power play. Even though that guy friend is really just a friend.

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3 minutes ago, vsbmakajn said:

His last break up was overdue. He'd known for months he wanted to end it.

I mentioned the guy friend because he seemed jealous and the next day his words and actions seemed as if him not coming to my place were his way of revenge, or power play. Even though that guy friend is really just a friend.

Why did you mention that you were seeing a guy friend in the first place? Is this some ploy to see if he'd get jealous? In future just say that you have plans. He doesn't get to know what you do in your free time.

Either way, he was already playing mind games perceived as power play to you before this happened. 

Quote

He complained once that I should initiate our meetings more but then when I did, he brushed off my advances.

 

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1 minute ago, Rose Mosse said:

Why did you mention that you were seeing a guy friend in the first place? Is this some ploy to see if he'd get jealous? In future just say that you have plans. He doesn't get to know what you do in your free time.

Either way, he was already playing mind games perceived as power play to you before this happened. 

 

In my native language, you can't say the word "friend" without revealing the gender. So it's like having one word for a male friend and another word for a female friend (suffix reveals it). When I tell him I have plas, he asks what plans. We are open about thinghs like that. I was definitely not trying to make him jealous, there would be no benefit in that for me.

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FWBs are meant to be short term. You being upset enough to post this on a forum means this arrangement should reach its end.

You have expectations of how he should behave and it doesn't align with your wishes. It's not working.

Unless you're used to dating extremely free-spirited men who don't care that you're close friends with an ex FWB, your assumption that you can just go back to being friends is totally the wrong decision. I personally don't know any guy who would date a woman is buddies with an ex FWB.

Time to make decisions that are best for your life's ultimate plan. 

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2 hours ago, vsbmakajn said:

I tried, but he acts like nothing's wrong.

Assuming/guessing is only going to exasperate the confusion. Give him an ultimatum. Tell him since he won't talk about his behavior, you are going to distance yourself until he figures things out.

Edited by smackie9
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probably jealous that he was hooking up with you and you go hang out with another guy, so he is thinking you are hooking up with the other guy...so he has attraction for you, but is fighting it...which is probably normal because sex has a connection on a deeper level..

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What's going on is that you are starting to want him to act like a bf, when it's just a casual fwb.

For example, he said jump higher and you did, and then he shot you down for it. You are not his gf, so why are you vying for his approval/attention? Who cares what he thinks or wants - he can open his mouth and ask. He says he is coming/not coming, being whatever - you are getting upset about it. Thing is that fwb's are as/when feel like it. The whole point of an fwb is that it's completely casual, whenever is convenient, and both happen to be in the mood kind of a thing. You owe him nothing and he owes you nothing. Unfortunately, you are moving away from that dynamic and starting to act more like a gf who got stood up for a date.

High time for you to step away from this arrangement. It's not working. The fwb boundaries are getting too blurry and that never ends well.

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It would seem to be selfish if you just expect him to react to you the way you want him too.

He dosn't owe you anything.  Now if he was your actual boyfriend, then his behaviour would be seen to be really uncool, and most people would tell you to just dump him.

 

 

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3 hours ago, vsbmakajn said:

I mentioned the guy friend because he seemed jealous and the next day his words and actions seemed as if him not coming to my place were his way of revenge, or power play.

Okay, so you were testing him.

And with his actions/behaviour you are not accepting it, right?

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Purposely trying to make a man jealous and feel horrible inside? To someone who probably has feelings ... ouch...that's like mental torture to someone

I'd apologize to him for that...

Edited by mical
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