Jump to content

How to move on from a co-dependent relationship?


Recommended Posts

I(30F) been best friends with this guy(35M) for 6 years, and I have decided to cut contact just yesterday when he told me he wanted to date people. I feel crushed and sick to my stomach.

We started as roommates who didn't know each other and became close almost instantly, we hung out for a while before it became intimate. When I told him about my wish to be in a relationship with him and my feelings, he was honest and told me he was seeing me more as friend. Somehow because of our closeness and all, we kept sleeping together for about a year on and off, until he decided to put an end to it because he felt bad for hurting me. I stopped insisting and we went on as friends until now.

The thing is with all this, our relationship became co-dependent to a point where we still did everything together, texted everyday. He got inheritance from his dad and bought a place, and I found a great deal on an apartment close to him (not intended at all). And even when we moved out on our own, with the pandemic and everything, we stayed close, seeing each other sometimes up to 5 days a week.

I now feel in a withdrawal period, it hurts like hell and although I know it will pass, my question is: is it possible for him to realize he loved me now that I'm gone? Or is it straight up wishful thinking?

In the meantime, I'm looking for advice to move on with my life and find myself outside of him, as my life has become full with him and now feels empty. Every little thing reminds me of him.

Thank you in advance for your help.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Withdrawal is hard 😕 ... takes time to accept/ let go, etc.

Do your best to NOT reach out at all.  Be strong.

HE chose to leave it all...then leave him to it.

Will he come to realize he cares for you more.. in order to come back?  Not sure. ( If he does reach out sometime, is up to you if you choose to respond.. BUT, is not easy to remain as 'friends', when your heart's still in it) .. distance is best for a good while, and to focus on YOU.

IMO, him wanting to 'date other's'... says he's curious about what else is out that & sadly, you need to accept & respect this... I know it all hurts - because your emotions are involved.

Re: your own life.. for sure, get your own life in gear.  People can so often lose themselves.. BUT, you were your own self before him... you will be again.

Have friends?  Go hang with one.  Have a hobby/ interests?  Go for it!

I have my shows/movies.. my music, journal, do crafts.. I am just fine on my own.  No issue's with 'others' 😉 .

  • Like 2
  • Thanks 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

That's a long time to have someone in your life even on an on/off casual basis.

Just pull back and start dating men who you can form something more substantial with.

It seems like you are finally ready for that more than this arrangement of convenience was.

  • Thanks 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Well, that's not "codependency". You can Google codependency for a definition.

What you do have is someone who likes sex and companionship from you but doesn't want to actually be with you in a romantic relationship.  He has made that clear. You, however, have chosen to continue sleeping with him and hanging out with him, apparently hoping it will make him love you. Please stop the sex and hanging out together as it will only hurt more when you drop by and he has a date over at his place.

Then consider dating others. Surely there are lots of nice men in your area who would love to date a woman like you.

  • Like 1
  • Thanks 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Posted (edited)
37 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Well, that's not "codependency". You can Google codependency for a definition.

What you do have is someone who likes sex and companionship from you but doesn't want to actually be with you in a romantic relationship.  He has made that clear. You, however, have chosen to continue sleeping with him and hanging out with him, apparently hoping it will make him love you. Please stop the sex and hanging out together as it will only hurt more when you drop by and he has a date over at his place.

Then consider dating others. Surely there are lots of nice men in your area who would love to date a woman like you.

The sex thing stopped around a year after it started, which was at the beginning of our relationship. We stayed very close however for 5 years after that, and as I mentioned, we were talking everyday and seeing each other on a regular basis. Most people around us didn't get our relationship but it made sense, to me at least.

We were just friends and it was good for me as long as I was still a priority. Now that he concretely thinks about dating, it hit me like a truck that I could never stick around while he does.

Edited by CAB390
Link to comment
Share on other sites

1 minute ago, CAB390 said:

The sex thing stopped around a year after it started, which was at the beginning of our relationship. We stayed very close however for 5 years after that, and as I mentioned, we were talking everyday and seeing each other on a regular basis. Most people around us didn't get our relationship but it made sense, to me at least.

When you choose to participate in this kind of a quasi-relationship, it's not codependence, it's actually avoidance of real relationships and real full commitments. 

So I would explore what and why this made sense to you.

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

35 minutes ago, CAB390 said:

The sex thing stopped around a year after it started, which was at the beginning of our relationship. We stayed very close however for 5 years after that, and as I mentioned, we were talking everyday and seeing each other on a regular basis. Most people around us didn't get our relationship but it made sense, to me at least.

We were just friends and it was good for me as long as I was still a priority. Now that he concretely thinks about dating, it hit me like a truck that I could never stick around while he does.

I've had close male friends too. But the difference is I don't get hurt when they date or have girlfriends. I'm happy for them because we truly do have a friendship. I don't want to be in a romantic relationship with them. That wouldn't be a friendship,  would it?

Probably be a good idea to step back from this and maybe join some groups where you can meet new people.

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

2 hours ago, CAB390 said:

I now feel in a withdrawal period, it hurts like hell and although I know it will pass, my question is: is it possible for him to realize he loved me now that I'm gone? Or is it straight up wishful thinking?

In the meantime, I'm looking for advice to move on with my life and find myself outside of him, as my life has become full with him and now feels empty. Every little thing reminds me of him.

It is wishful thinking. You'll find yourself again when you start listening to yourself a bit more and his fades in the background. Let go of all the things and people who represent so little or are part of a different time. You have to let go to bring new experiences in. 

Everyone is different but you'll eventually find yourself again in your hobbies and interests. Is there something you take an interest in or always wanted to do more of? Go out and do it. What's stopping you? ..only nothing. Go on and live. 😊

  • Like 1
  • Thanks 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

You're doing the right thing,  walking away. but like many right things, it's hard. 

You have to change the narrative in your mind.  Be strong. Tell yourself you've made this decision and it doesn't matter what he thinks of it. Then only focus on the future. stop looking back. 

I think sometimes human nature is so in love with the romantic aspects, we forget what the hell we're doing. You have to make good choices to have a good life.  you have to know that when someone gives you less than you deserve you walk away. 

You can and will find better when you make room for it. When you stop accepting garbage.

It's not instantaneous. its work, it's hard, it's lonely at times but through those feelings you realize being on your own is not the end of the world.  It's actually the best thing.  Strength and independence are very attractive.

 

  • Like 4
Link to comment
Share on other sites

3 hours ago, Lambert said:

You're doing the right thing,  walking away. but like many right things, it's hard. 

You have to change the narrative in your mind.  Be strong. Tell yourself you've made this decision and it doesn't matter what he thinks of it. Then only focus on the future. stop looking back. 

I think sometimes human nature is so in love with the romantic aspects, we forget what the hell we're doing. You have to make good choices to have a good life.  you have to know that when someone gives you less than you deserve you walk away. 

You can and will find better when you make room for it. When you stop accepting garbage.

It's not instantaneous. its work, it's hard, it's lonely at times but through those feelings you realize being on your own is not the end of the world.  It's actually the best thing.  Strength and independence are very attractive.

 

Sooooo true.

I met up with him today to talk about aspects that were bugging me, like why he stayed so long knowing how I felt and if he realized just how toxic it was.

I ultimately don't wish to erase him completely from my life because he brought me so much and I feel shaky without him around, but I told him I still want to keep my distance to find myself and live for someone else : ME.

This relationship made me realize that I never put myself first, and this is a great opportunity for me to do so. I know I won't be as positive everyday, and some days I'll feel like writing him mean stuff, but I think it's part of grief anyway.

Obviously all this has been so rough that I'll be doing a therapy because I now also realize this relationship existed for a reason and that I have much bigger issues to settle.

Thank you so much for your reply. Words like yours are encouraging me to move forward.

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

16 hours ago, CAB390 said:

is it possible for him to realize he loved me now that I'm gone? Or is it straight up wishful thinking?

It's wishful thinking. 

My guess is that he has already met someone else and is giving you an indirect heads-up that you will soon be hearing about her. It's very hard, but he told you a while ago that he doesn't see you as a match for him. His stance on that evidently has not changed. 

Much as it stings, it's imperative now to take healthy space away from him. It will be too painful to be friends while he's going on dates with someone else. When you reach the point of relative indifference about meeting whichever lady he makes his girlfriend, then you're ready to re-visit a friendship with him. Until then (and it may never completely happen, if we're being honest) staying good buds is not realistic nor healthy for you. 

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

9 hours ago, CAB390 said:

but I told him I still want to keep my distance to find myself and live for someone else : ME.

This relationship made me realize that I never put myself first, and this is a great opportunity for me to do so. I know I won't be as positive everyday, and some days I'll feel like writing him mean stuff, but I think it's part of grief anyway.

I think you shouldn't blame him and I don't think this is a choice between interacting with him on the one hand and putting yourself first "finding yourself" on the other.  There's a healthful middle ground - rather than focusing on "yourself" live your life with a balance of taking care of yourself -and I mean the basics - exercise regularly, hydrate, sleep, make good food choices - and also connecting with others whether casually, close, activity partners, volunteer work, whatever - no need to do the "I am woman hear me roar" (song lyric from decades ago) .

Please do not keep him around as it will sting too much to know about who he is dating or trying to date.  I'm sorry you're disappointed.  You made choices to settle for scraps when it came to the romantic aspects which he didn't want and you did.  Please don't make this his fault -you two are adults and he is allowed to assume you kept hanging out with him because you were fine with the type of friendship you had.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

10 hours ago, CAB390 said:

I ultimately don't wish to erase him completely from my life because...

Every person that has been in your shoes has (tried like this) to have things both ways.  Them out of your life, while the security of them in your life. 

One thing you will learn is,  this is not possible. This relationship, this person will continue to be toxic to you and you will continue to flounder, as long as you have contact and they are around you. 

I'm sorry.  it's just how these things work.  I've definitely been there and tried to negotiate having them in my life, limited in the extent etc. but it's a continual pattern that will keep you stuck.

Eventually, you will reach a point where you can't stand this person and you are not that happy with yourself either.  

So cut the ties now and avoid all that or continue as you plan and limit yourself.  That's the choice.  But make no mistake about it, regardless of what he did or does to you,  it's your choice to let it continue. 

It's like that old saying... fool me once shame on you.  fool me twice, shame on me. 

From here on out you are not a victim.  you're a participant.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Restore formatting

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

 Share

×
×
  • Create New...