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Just a heartbroken horrible person


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I know before I begin this long winded rollercoaster of a journey I'll be judged for what I did. At this point I feel like an absolute horrible person for multitudes of reasons, so I understand, and I get it. 

I met my ex in '09 and we dated til roughly '12 we met online on a game and it was long distance. We did have a few visits here and there and he met my family. During that time things were a rollercoaster, we had 1 major breakup where we didn't talk for 6months and ended up getting back together ultimately leading to him "ghosting" me (a term we didn't have back then). During that time I cursed the world, I didn't have a job for almost a year after that because I couldn't and didn't get out of bed for most of that. I entered a really dark place. During our time like any person would of asked, are they single etc. He always said he was single. There was sometimes kids around and he explained he lived with his mom, and the kids were his nieces and nephews (his sister didn't know the concept of birth control). Later, after he ghosted me, it turns out he didn't know the concept of birth control either. It came to light he was indeed married and had children. That absolutely crushed me. The fact he spent all his time talking, playing games with me, and coming out here to visit made it honestly seem like he was single. It hurt me to know I hurt them without knowing it. (This is the point you go, GIRL you dodged a bullet praise the lord!)

This is the point I tell you that I am dumb and that brings us to the current time. I still played that game online (after months of not being on because everything reminded me of him). So a few year later I found out he started playing again. I did the normal thing anyone would do, just ignored it and kept to myself. Never in the years after I found out him was playing again did I seek him out for answers. Never did I insert myself into his life, I had accepted things and let it go. If he wanted to talk to me, to apologize to me for being a jerk and "ghosting" me he would of?

Early '20 we got matched into the same game online. Out of ALL the games we somehow got picked to be in the same one. I had noticed something was said as the game was ending, and it was directed towards me. I saw the name and freaked out, because I knew it was him. I had left the game and instantly got a message from him asking if I was insert person. I was like wow, the dead speaks who knew. He said oh you know who this is, I was like yes, of course. This launched us into opening the door to talk. A few days went by and I had this nagging feeling of wanting to talk to him. So I added him to my friends list, which prompted us to talk from 1am to 6am when I had to go to work. It felt like nothing ever changed, that we picked up right where we left off.

As you read this I am sure your going to be like whoa, back up here. You said married with kids and now you're back to talking. Well, this is were I feel like I am the horrible person. We talked about all that, he was "seperated" but living with her still for the sake of the kids and blah blah not being able to afford to move out or divorce etc. I like the idiot I am decided that makes sense, but we had a plan of action in terms of that needs to get resolved. He had X amount of time for figure it out or this would be over. 

The beginning of the "relationship" was described to me as love bombing, it's quick and intense. It honestly felt like he was "separated" and was only invested in me. We spent all day messaging, sending photos, and playing together at night. Enjoys each other company etc. Yes, we had disagreements anytime I felt like I wasn't getting enough affection, he would shut down because he doesn't "deal with emotions" very well. Normally this wouldn't be an issue and he'd adjust. Until about 1.5 weeks ago he broke up with me. I was honest with my feelings that I felt like I wasn't getting enough affection, and he shut down again. When we talked he said he had a lot of stuff going on between his kids, the wife, and other ***. Then having to try and help me, and he NO room for himself, to barely think. He said he had to lock himself in a room to just get away from everything and everyone. I pleaded to work on this together, that's what couples do. He said he couldn't drag me through the bull*** and it was unfair. He said right now this is for the best.

We said I love you one last time to each other. To hear the sadness, and the defeated tone absolutely killed me.

I know I'll get a lot of comments about what I did. I understand, and I hope people realize I didn't mean anything. I was a girl madly in love with a boy hoping things would work out.

Right now I see a therapist because I feel like I wasn't good enough yet again for him to stick around. That I wasn't worth it to him in the end. He knew my mental health problems and hasn't checked in with me. That could also just be him staying away to avoid causing more pain. I feel broken, and like such a horrible person. I see him playing our game, and it hurts me because I want nothing more than to reach out. I feel like he's not affected as much as I am.

Sorry to anyone to actually read all this, and I know I'll get roasted because of the internet. Just needed to vent and let out things right now I feel alone. Sorry.

Edited by Beforeyougo
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Is there any reason why you can't communicate with other people on this gaming platform? Why do you continue to choose a married man who you don't see in person?

Speak to the therapist not about why you aren't "good enough" for this lying cheater but about why YOU don't think you deserve better than a lying cheater who you don't even see in person.

BTW, what does your family think about your online relationship with this married man?

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Posted (edited)

I do play with other people on this platform. Heck we all played together here and there. They've actually probably been the biggest supporters for me at the moment. If I am going to be honest, they don't know the WHOLE story, but they also spent 3 days talking to me as I cried to them over and over about how I wasn't good enough etc.

Just everything reminds me of him, and I know that sounds stupid but its just upsetting because we talked everyday, and played together everyday. For that to be gone just hurts I guess.

Therapist and I have talked about multiple things. I don't feel like its helping really. She pretty much says what I feel is valid, and what I am going through is hard etc. She says we need to work on my negative core beliefs which we haven't yet. I don't see what saying positive mantras will do.

My family supports it if it makes me happy. Did they approve of course not, did they think it would last of course not. Where they probably prepared for this, yeah.

Edited by Beforeyougo
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Extramarital affairs rarely work. You were naive. He's not a boy and you are not a girl. You're a grown woman. The first mistake in this fantasy is dissolving reality. You're not children.

He's a married man and a father to children. You've built up a fantasy world of what he is and constructed out of the lies he told you. When you both keep speaking again with the on/off all you're doing is reverting to preconceived fantasy ideas of what this person said he was and what you imagined. He's not who you think he is.

If you can break that cycle believing he's what you think he is, you may stand a chance getting over this person and the hold he has over you.

Don't play the victim anymore and please don't buy into the sad separated story he just told you about his marriage. You will be fine. Stay away from men like this and give yourself time to get rid of his stink all over the game. That will fade in time. Brush yourself off and move on too. 

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The therapist is correct that you need to fix your core negative beliefs. That said, if her approach/style/pace aren't working for you, seek out a different therapist whose approach is more effective for you and where you start to make actual progress. Don't be afraid to look around and see what's out there. There is no one size fits all and there are many different approaches. Basically, if what you are doing isn't clicking with you, change it.

Seeking validation from a married cheater is like reaching into a toilet and grabbing onto a floating turd. Gross. Time to raise your standards and put down the turd. 

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I'm not going to roast you about that. You need to be talking to your therapist more about this. Why are you seeking help here? This is beyond the scope of what you actually need. You already know you are going to either get criticized, or be told to forget about it/him. That's not gonna give you anything.

My say: Bottom line, people lie, it's a fact of life. They do it for their own selfish needs. You are not going to get any of what was before back. Time to work hard with your therapist so you can move forward, and cut down on your cravings.

Edited by smackie9
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Sorry this happened. How old are you? Do you live with your parents? Do you work/go to school?

It would be best to get off the gaming console for a while and start getting involved in classes, courses, sports, clubs, groups volunteering, real life, real people, etc.

 Also see a doctor if supportive talk therapy is not helping you "get out of bed". 

You  need to delete and block him from ALL your social media and messaging apps and gaming platforms.

 Mental health is s multipronged approach that includes a physical evaluation, supportive therapy and lifestyle changes which support rather than erode mental health.

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I am 30, currently living with my family who has been very supportive during this. Like I said they were probably all prepared for this waiting for it to fail, just letting me go on with my fantasy world because it made me happy.

Currently I work roughly 40-48hrs depending at a bakery. Which for the most part is actually really fun, my co-workers and the environment is pretty fun. It's just hard to enjoy it because of all this, everyone keeps saying be happy! it'll get better cheer up! Which makes me secretly just hate them lol.

I have looked into different therapist the problem is most of booked for 1 to 3months, there suggestion is to look into private therapy which is my next goal and hope their wait list isn't as long. I am not sure what other kind of therapies? there are... Right now I just have online therapy because through my job it was offered a free month. Which I had started talking to mine before this even occurred because I was already going into a bad space, and this just made it worse.

I have deleted all his contact information, and all his friends contact information so I have no real way to reach him unless I really wanted too. It's obviously clear he doesn't want to talk to me because he hasn't talked to me since.

I am not sure why I posted this. I guess for maybe a reality check that people in my life handle with kiddy gloves. Maybe I am searching for someone in a similar situation to give comfort. 

I struggle with thinking I am wasn't worth it, I didn't matter at all, and etc. I just feel lost and confused and really really dumb.

Thank you all for your comments.

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I don’t think you are dumb. Maybe a bit naive or too trusting. 
I think responding to him the second time around was dumb. The decision was dumb, not you as a person. There is no need to connect with him in anyway. No need for closure, friendship, nothing. He’s a jerk. He used you and broke your heart. Lord knows how his wife feels or if she even knows how scummy he is. 
You should block his gamer tag or if you ever see it come up again, just leave the game 

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40 minutes ago, Beforeyougo said:

I have deleted all his contact information, and all his friends contact information so I have no real way to reach him unless I really wanted too. It's obviously clear he doesn't want to talk to me because he hasn't talked to me since.

I am not sure why I posted this. I guess for maybe a reality check that people in my life handle with kiddy gloves. Maybe I am searching for someone in a similar situation to give comfort. 

I struggle with thinking I am wasn't worth it, I didn't matter at all, and etc. I just feel lost and confused and really really dumb.

Thank you all for your comments.

Good for you. Move forward and put this behind you.

Give yourself time for this to blow over and give the gaming a break if it's not what you want or need right now. You shouldn't let this one person ruin your hobby or the way you think of yourself. Give yourself more time for the dust to settle and spend more time with your family. You are fortunate to have family close by. The more you reconnect with what matters to you and get out of this fantasy world and twilight zone, the more things will feel grounded and make more sense. 

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44 minutes ago, Beforeyougo said:

I struggle with thinking I am wasn't worth it, I didn't matter at all

Imagine how his wife and children would feel if they knew he pretended they didn't exist, OP.

Look, I realize you are hurting. But you have to really ask yourself what you think is so great about a man who fabricated a life story to hide the fact that he was a married father. Pretending he was single was bad enough - pretending his children were not his children is sick. 

There is something seriously wrong with this loser. My strong sense is that your need to feel desired and cared is what you miss now. Not this guy, in and of himself, but what he represented for you - someone to pay attention to you, someone to share with, someone to feel close to. But the man himself? Well, there's really nothing to miss about someone that terrible. 

 

 

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2 hours ago, Beforeyougo said:

him "ghosting" me (a term we didn't have back then). During that time I cursed the world, I didn't have a job for almost a year after that because I couldn't and didn't get out of bed for most of that. I entered a really dark place. During our time like any person would of asked, are they single etc. He always said he was single.

So, the guy lied & led you on - very selfish 😕 

And then you fell apart & hurt for a good while.

You put yourself down so much - because this is how you feel.

Sadly, you fell for his reaching out again...(which he should not have!  Instead he should have left well enough alone!).

You know that saying.. 'the past has nothing new to say'.

Please be honest with your therapist... and also focus on your own well-being.

Be strong.. keep moving ahead.  This was a lesson.. and experience - Life is full of them.

Avoid anything re: this loser.  Aim on sorting yourself out & getting back to good ❤️ .

You will, in time.  Believe.

Believe in your own self worth.

One day at a time 🙂 .  

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Before, you already know this but just to reiterate what others have said and your therapist- you really have a low self-esteem! You need to work on this so you can stopped being played like a fiddle. So if mantras don't help, then you need to try something else to help boost your self-esteem.

I met my husband on an online game so it's not like you can't meet the love of your life online, but I would never ever recommend anyone to focus establishing a relationship via an online game platform. 

Why? Because you're playing a game - your goals are game-focused! You start this connection by being focused on how to level up together, how to win together, etc. There are no actual relationship goals at all when it's a game you are constantly communicating thru. You aren't really putting any real effort in getting to know and love this person on an intimate level if you were to spend every waking minute/day with them physically. That's why it's easy for a lot of people to walk away from these types of relationships online because it isn't real and come back when they need an ego boost.

That's why you were feeling the disconnect - feeling like there weren't enough affection. Well duh, because this man is all about gaming and using you as his ego boost when you on the otherhand, you want something real.

That's where you need to see that he couldn't give you what you wanted so you gotta stop looking for love and validation in the wrong places. Love and validation starts within you and only you can help yourself by seeing your worth. If you don't, you are going to let losers keep you down.

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Thank you all once again for your responses.

While I know we spent a lot of time on the game. We did have some visits, so we did did spend physical time together. We also messaged and video chatted in the mornings before work etc. So yes it was long distance, but it did feel real. It wasn't all lets level up etc goal oriented. We did have some cute moments in the game, like spending all night on a gondola ride talking etc, til it became like the titanic scene because the game bugged out (pretty funny actually).

I won't argue that I probably do miss the constant communication in terms of what is happening, and jokes etc. I miss him always being there and always being around to do things with in the game. I won't lie I have been journaling since this all started (and before, but not nearly as much as now). A lot of my journal were about can this work out? Why do I feel like I am not good enough for him to make moves to progress this relationship etc. So maybe I knew this entire time, and I was just trying to hold on to the feeling of someone actually valuing me because I have such low opinion value of myself.

Just wish I hated him, or he said he hated me, would maybe make this easier. Just wish it was easier 😞

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9 minutes ago, Beforeyougo said:

Just wish I hated him, maybe make this easier. 

Ok. Poof 🎉!  You hate him. 

Now you can rest assured that this married lying clown is a thing of a dark and forgotten past.

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On 6/15/2021 at 6:44 PM, Beforeyougo said:

We talked about all that, he was "seperated" but living with her still for the sake of the kids and blah blah not being able to afford to move out or divorce etc.

If you bought that, then I have a good Yugoslav wine to sell you. Great price

Sorry, it was a good joke

Anyway

On 6/15/2021 at 6:44 PM, Beforeyougo said:

Right now I see a therapist because I feel like I wasn't good enough yet again for him to stick around

You need to realize there is nothing to stick around. He is married with kids. You were just some meaningless fling for him to get away from his sad life where his wife and kids yell while he plays video games. You are not a horrible person to fall for some idiots lies. However, your choices are pretty bad. You falled for some sad married idiot with wife and kids. You should thank God that you are not good enough for that, not gone through therapy for it. Work on your choices. Go out, meet somebody who isnt playing some online game while his wife and kids yell. Heck I would even suggest that you dont play that much. Enroll on some course that interests you instead, maybe you meet somebody real there. Do something more meaningful in general. And I say that as somebody who likes video games myself. There is no point, especially if your goal is to find somebody who you would be good enough to spend his entire life with you.

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On 6/15/2021 at 9:42 PM, Beforeyougo said:

Why do I feel like I am not good enough for him to make moves to progress this relationship

He can't make moves to progress it, OP. He is married and cannot have a relationship with you. That's what happens when you engage in an affair as the Other Woman. You get the leftovers of whatever he gives his wife. 

You're making some self-destructive choices. You knew he was married when you decided to get involved again. It has nothing to do with your value, and everything to do with your poor life decisions. Gently, you need to stop victimizing yourself. You volunteered for this the second time around, and you need to own your role in your own misery. He didn't do this to you this time. You did it to yourself. 

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19 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

He can't make moves to progress it, OP. He is married and cannot have a relationship with you. That's what happens when you engage in an affair as the Other Woman. You get the leftovers of whatever he gives his wife. 

You're making some self-destructive choices. You knew he was married when you decided to get involved again. It has nothing to do with your value, and everything to do with your poor life decisions. Gently, you need to stop victimizing yourself. You volunteered for this the second time around, and you need to own your role in your own misery. He didn't do this to you this time. You did it to yourself. 

^ I second this entire post.  Nailed it.

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Not going to roast you, but I hope you can do your very best to picture something for me.

Pretend you met the man you felt was the love of your life. You marry him, your family and friends are so happy for you both.

You eventually have children with this man. He is there while you give birth, he is there helping you raise your babies together. You fall even more in love with him thinking he's such a good dad.

You're happy in life, you feel like you have everything you need.

Now imagine that this man, the man you adore, feel safe with, and are living a life with, is secretly typing to another woman.

He is saying all kinds of things to her that he never should be saying.

Betraying you in every possible way, but meanwhile smiling through it all right at you and pretending that he's innocent and being loyal to you.

Even worse, picture the other woman actually knows about you and knows about your children, but she doesn't care, and carries on flirting with your husband, talking sex with him, making plans on meeting up, even maybe him leaving you for her.

How does that feel?

What if the day comes where this man actually does leave his wife for you.

And then eventually he does to you, the exact same thing he did to her. 

While you are all in love and feeling like you won some kind of prize, he is texting and typing away secretly to another woman and telling her everything he told you.

This man is a loser and the worst type of person you can meet.

Block and don't ever look back. 

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On 6/15/2021 at 2:20 PM, Bothered2021 said:

I don’t think you are dumb. Maybe a bit naive or too trusting. 
I think responding to him the second time around was dumb. The decision was dumb, not you as a person. There is no need to connect with him in anyway. No need for closure, friendship, nothing. He’s a jerk. He used you and broke your heart. Lord knows how his wife feels or if she even knows how scummy he is. 
You should block his gamer tag or if you ever see it come up again, just leave the game 

I agree. This guy is a massive loser. Massive. You weren't able to see that because of your terribly negative self image. 

On 6/15/2021 at 1:33 PM, DancingFool said:

The therapist is correct that you need to fix your core negative beliefs. That said, if her approach/style/pace aren't working for you, seek out a different therapist whose approach is more effective for you and where you start to make actual progress.

I agree with this, too. 

You have to make a firm decision and commitment to correct your negative thinking, or you will continue to misidentify guys like him as valuable prizes. 

He was not a prize. He was a selfish cheater who played on your emotions. 

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