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Should i break up?


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Hi everyone.

My boyfriend and I have been together for about 3 years and been living together for almost 1,5 year. I study dentistry and my schedule is always so full and busy and I'm so burnt out and stressed from School already. My boyfriend works from home and on his free time he sometimes plays computer games all day long. I've had several mental breakdowns in the past few months and seen a therapist since. I am sometimes so busy with school and stressed that i dont really get the time to clean the house much or so, neither does he! I've discussed it with him several times but nothing changed. I mentioned that i want to move out and focus on myself and my studies, since keeping a house for two always clean and tidy is too much pressure for me and the first thing he said was that he can't pay all the rent on his own. He didn't even ask why i want to move out. And when I'm around him, i mostly feel insecure about myself, and i have selfsteem problems. He kinda never really talks about the problems or stuff and that bothers me a lot. I feel like I'm putting myself mentally under so much pressure because of him. Sometimes we go shopping and he just disappears to get some grocery without saying a word where he's going and i just feel left out around him. I'm a sociable person and i discuss every little thing that bothers me or so. I feel like im burning myself out in this relationship and i have already so much on my plate(because of school and being a foreign student away from home and my family).

What do you guys suggest me to do in this situation?

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38 minutes ago, moochiex said:

I mentioned that i want to move out and focus on myself and my studies, since keeping a house for two always clean and tidy is too much pressure for me and the first thing he said was that he can't pay all the rent on his own. He didn't even ask why i want to move out. And when I'm around him, i mostly feel insecure about myself, and i have selfsteem problems.

With every relationship, comes problems, but sounds like this is way too much for you.

YOu don't need so much stress.. and more to focus on your studies, only.. right?

IF you can handle things ( money wise) on your own, then is maybe a good idea- if you feel best that way.

 

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Yes dump him like yesterday and yes move out or he can move out. What he can and cannot afford is not your problem.

I have a distinct impression that once you get rid of him, you won't be having breakdowns or need therapy.

1 hour ago, moochiex said:

Sometimes we go shopping and he just disappears to get some grocery without saying a word where he's going and i just feel left out around him.

Just an fyi ^^^ is a distinctly pathological behavior. Beware and when anyone acts like that  - RUN and don't look back. Going to make a wild guess that this isn't the only thing that he does that leaves you feeling kind of crazy, off, and otherwise unsettled, confused, and insecure.

Note also that when you said you want to leave, his immediate concern was about himself and his convenience. He didn't ask why because he doesn't actually care about you as a person.

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If you sincerely feel he is slovenly and this is a clash of personality or you can't live together, move out and focus on yourself. This is probably the end of the road for the relationship because your goals and ambitions are dissimilar. 

He's inattentive and disconnected from the relationship also. There's no reason why you have to play housemaid to a home that no longer feels like home. 

He'll have to grow up and learn to live within his means and budget himself accordingly as well as clean up after himself. Those are not bad life skills to have. Either way - not your problem. 

Focus on your schooling and settle yourself in an environment that as more to your liking or conducive to pushing yourself forward. 

 

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6 minutes ago, DancingFool said:

Yes dump him like yesterday and yes move out or he can move out. What he can and cannot afford is not your problem.

I have a distinct impression that once you get rid of him, you won't be having breakdowns or need therapy.

Just an fyi ^^^ is a distinctly pathological behavior. Beware and when anyone acts like that  - RUN and don't look back. Going to make a wild guess that this isn't the only thing that he does that leaves you feeling kind of crazy, off, and otherwise unsettled, confused, and insecure.

Note also that when you said you want to leave, his immediate concern was about himself and his convenience. He didn't ask why because he doesn't actually care about you as a person.

I didn't know that it's a pathological behavior but i totally feel so bad after he does that. There has been times I'm standing in the middle of a grocery store, looking around like a little lost child just to find him and i feel so left out when he disappears like that and doesn't say a word.

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7 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

If you sincerely feel he is slovenly and this is a clash of personality or you can't live together, move out and focus on yourself. This is probably the end of the road for the relationship because your goals and ambitions are dissimilar. 

He's inattentive and disconnected from the relationship also. There's no reason why you have to play housemaid to a home that no longer feels like home. 

He'll have to grow up and learn to live within his means and budget himself accordingly as well as clean up after himself. Those are not bad life skills to have. Either way - not your problem. 

Focus on your schooling and settle yourself in an environment that as more to your liking or conducive to pushing yourself forward. 

 

Thank you for helping me out. I feel like my low self-esteem also partially comes from my relationship. I remember wearing a dress i really love, and then he was like we wear this in bed in our country. Don't wear that thing. And it just made me sad and ruined my confidence. And since i moved to this country, he has always been there and i never really got the chance to meet anyone else or date other people.

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11 minutes ago, moochiex said:

Thank you for helping me out. I feel like my low self-esteem also partially comes from my relationship. I remember wearing a dress i really love, and then he was like we wear this in bed in our country. Don't wear that thing. And it just made me sad and ruined my confidence. And since i moved to this country, he has always been there and i never really got the chance to meet anyone else or date other people.

His comments are thoughtless. What do you intend to do about the relationship and living situation?

 

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1 hour ago, moochiex said:

i want to move out and focus on myself and my studies

Do this asap. Why are you playing housekeeper if it is resulting in "having mental breakdowns"?

Let him find a roommate to defray living costs.

Get your own place, move back home or find a house share.

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2 hours ago, Rose Mosse said:

His comments are thoughtless. What do you intend to do about the relationship and living situation?

 

I wanna move out and just focus on my studies and nothing else. I don't feel like im ready to be in a relationship right now. I love him but im not madly in love with him. It's more like im used to having him around.

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6 minutes ago, moochiex said:

I wanna move out and just focus on my studies and nothing else. I don't feel like im ready to be in a relationship right now. I love him but im not madly in love with him. It's more like im used to having him around.

Have a plan then before you do anything. Make sure you make up your mind and are resolved to go through with it. 

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This what you do....give him 3 choices,

Suggestion 1-he needs to get off his butt and do the chores. You yourself can do your own laundry, and clean up after yourself. he can do the rest.

Suggestion 2-you two hire someone. Since he is at home making the most mess, he can cover the extra expense.

Suggestion 3-if he doesn't like 1 or 2, then tough. You are moving out and he will have to figure out how to cover rent, like finding a roommate.

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Just let him know he should help out with chores or invest in a person to come clean once a week, the latter probably being best.

I don't think it is pathological to play video games, read a book, or study for that matter.

Organizing a schedule could help. So instead of threatening to leave and break up, some positive reinforcement and suggesting sticking to a schedule is definitely worth a shot and doable..

Regarding shopping, even if its groceries, I don't know many guys that enjoy shopping and would rather just do their own thing. Myself included. I also would probably go for a little walk and look for some things on my own just because...why not...

 

Edited by mical
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4 hours ago, moochiex said:

I wanna move out and just focus on my studies and nothing else. I don't feel like im ready to be in a relationship right now. I love him but im not madly in love with him. It's more like im used to having him around.

I think he's used to having you around too.  Your not the maid.  Also, if he just disappears in the supermarket on a regular basis, then it's something to think about.  Most couples discuss what items in depth to purchase as a team.  

No does not sound like this is going to work now, or ever.

Edited by The Invisible Man
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6 hours ago, moochiex said:

I didn't know that it's a pathological behavior but i totally feel so bad after he does that. There has been times I'm standing in the middle of a grocery store, looking around like a little lost child just to find him and i feel so left out when he disappears like that and doesn't say a word.

Yes and that is the pathological part.  If you, or any normal person, tried to vanish like he does...you'd fail at it more often than not. Why? You would not be able to time it so that the person you are standing next to has their attention elsewhere and is unaware of you moving away. Realize that we are talking seconds here, not minutes.

Pathological types (think psychopathic, sociopathic, covert/over narcissist, etc) are able to read your face expressions to a minute detail and therefore can tell accurately (or way above average) where your attention is at and therefore time the vanishing act perfectly.

Of course you will feel disoriented and confused. You know instinctively that this is wrong behavior. A normal partner, regardless of whether you are distracted or not, would nudge you and let you know if they are heading somewhere else. Someone who is pathological will not. They are actively waiting on you to get distracted so they can vanish and act out their superiority and power over you by making you feel disoriented and confused..... and on a certain level....crazy. The definition of crazy making really.

What he is doing is both pretty classic and also particularly insidious. It's so easy for him to act innocent and make you feel like you are the crazy one or over reacting by turning it around on you, "What? Why are you upset, geez I just went to get x, why weren't you paying attention. I thought you were and really...I didn't do anything wrong here, just need to pick up x. Geez you are being sooo crazy here." What's even worse is that most people out there, unless they recognize this behavior for what it is, will not be on your side and will defend him if you speak out or seek to vent. This is very very dangerous to you. Like I said earlier, if you start looking more closely, you'll find a whole lot more subtle ways he undermines you and makes you feel less than or downright crazy.

Please please just leave him. Get away. You will feel better for it and start to feel sane and grounded again once you are free of him.

This is your life lesson on what to avoid at all costs when it comes to relationships.

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15 hours ago, moochiex said:

I wanna move out and just focus on my studies and nothing else. I don't feel like im ready to be in a relationship right now. I love him but im not madly in love with him. It's more like im used to having him around.

It's beyond time to end this relationship. 

 

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16 hours ago, moochiex said:

I wanna move out and just focus on my studies and nothing else.

Ok take practical logical steps to do that. Start researching places to live, give notice, divide up your stuff, sever all financial ties. Problem solved. Complaining is not working for you.

Edited by Wiseman2
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