Pros and Cons

[LaHermes]

5 hours ago, Pleasedonot5 said:

Consider: what would life be like if you found a significant other:

Who doesn't throw things at you during a heated argument

Who doesn't have genital warts (or, who treats them properly)

Who dances with you (reading that one broke my heart)

Who has a bank account, savings, some money

Who doesn't need you to be a mother for him

Who, at a tolerable level, cleans up after himself

(Because those are basic things most men would check off - you're missing out on a much healthier and more fulfilling relationship). 

Quoting PDN because the question is very valid.

OP.  There really isn't much to think about. You are in a nightmarish situation.  I know I couldn't bear to be even five minutes in the company of this man?  What drew you to this person in the first instance? 

[FREee]

On 6/25/2021 at 11:03 AM, Jibralta said:

You're putting a lot of energy into focusing on the negative. Could you be in a generally unhappy state in life at this particular moment? Sometimes when things go wrong in one aspect of life (family, career, etc.), it seems like everything is wrong, even things that usually don't bother us. Every little flaw seems magnified. 

Yes, I think you are right about that.

It’s been difficult to get a clear perspective of this since lockdown began and I’ve been even more isolated than usual. 

[FREee]

On 6/26/2021 at 1:55 PM, LaHermes said:

Quoting PDN because the question is very valid.

OP.  There really isn't much to think about. You are in a nightmarish situation.  I know I couldn't bear to be even five minutes in the company of this man?  What drew you to this person in the first instance? 

We understood one another, he truly saw and recognised who I was and I felt like I had always been invisible and was being seen for the first time in my life. 

I can’t tell you some of the main things that drew me to him because they would compromise his anonymity.

I think you’re right though.

[FREee]

On 6/25/2021 at 12:11 PM, DarkCh0c0 said:

@FREee free yourself from all of this and leave this man. Too many red flags.

Also, people come in packages. His package has pros and cons, but it doesn't work with you. So stop trying to make it work and stop looking for excuses for his behaviour.

Look for yourself now. Free yourself.

Thank you. 

[FREee]

On 6/26/2021 at 8:37 AM, Pleasedonot5 said:

Hey, OP. Sorry you are going through this.

First, you mentioned this list is a post-fight compilation of cons. I can palpably feel the hatred and resentment in that list. You might consider rewriting the list now, and not post-fight. Although it likely most or all will remain true while you are cool-headed, you won't have the excuse of "oh, well I wrote these when I was really angry at him" that you've essentially used already on this thread.

Regardless of whether you take my suggestion or not, I'm of the belief that you should break up with this person as soon as practicable. This is because, written at peak anger or not, some of the items on the list should not be tolerated. Throwing things at you? The swearing matches you have? The reckless management of his genital warts? The diminishment of your feelings? That you both do not seem to respect one another? You need to show more respect for yourself - you should not tolerate that. 

Consider: what would life be like if you found a significant other:

Who doesn't throw things at you during a heated argument

Who doesn't have genital warts (or, who treats them properly)

Who dances with you (reading that one broke my heart)

Who has a bank account, savings, some money

Who doesn't need you to be a mother for him

Who, at a tolerable level, cleans up after himself

(Because those are basic things most men would check off - you're missing out on a much healthier and more fulfilling relationship). 

Thank you for your advice. I am going to consider what you said. 

[FREee]

On 6/26/2021 at 9:18 AM, MissCanuck said:

This relaitonship is over. A lot of the "cons" are drop-dead dealbreakers. 

And that's probably why you have so many other inconsequential ones; you are hurt and downtrodden and annoyed by him in general (understandable in light of the deal-breakers)

My guess is once you dump him and meet a lovely man who respects and loves you, you won't really care how he squeezes toothpaste out of the tube or whether he leaves a phone charger out. All these seemingly picky annoyances are emotional byproducts of a toxic relationship. 

Yes, I think the points that look like they don’t belong on a serious list are only there because of accumulated resentment from far deeper hurts and disappointments, some of which I feel pre-date this relationship and this person. 
 

I am exhausted and it’s time to change everything again.