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Pros and Cons

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After a troubled first few years, I was still feeling unsettled and unsure about the future of our relationship. I am not able to see my friends/family circle at this time to seek advice so I sat down to write a list of pros and cons to help me make a clear-headed decision. I decided to get the bad stuff out of the way first. This is my list of cons. From the trifling and mundane to the insidious and abusive.

I don't expect anyone to have the time or patience to read it all but it's going to help me to get it down.

If TL;DR, there are 228 cons. Just one thing...... in light of this fact alone is it worth me starting a 'pros' list?:

Cons (or things you do/are doing/have done/are/have been)

- Making promises you don't intend to keep.

- On many occasions not getting me a card, present....anything for anniversary, Christmas, birthday. 

- Getting something you wanted for yourself, (ostensibly as a present for me).

- Leaving drawers open.

- Moving things around in the house/putting them away in a new place every time.

- Leaving dirty clothes on the floor every day including a pile of dirty underwear, t-shirts etc. by your side of the bed.

- Leaving dirty underwear and socks out on the sofa/on top of my clothes.

- Leaving laptops, gadgets or chargers switched on so the light disturbs my sleep.

- Shuffling, prodding, squashing me and generally never remaining still for long when we cuddle.

- Not hearing me when I say something to you and then giving up and ignoring me.

- Pretending to hear something I've said and then saying it yourself shortly afterwards as though it is a novel thought; becoming affronted and indignant when I point out that I'd just said the same thing myself - never apologising for this.  

- Not taking care of your hearing. 

- Leaving the coffee jar empty.

- Not refilling food containers.

- Putting the loo roll on back to front.

- Not realising you've left the car indicator on long after you've made a turn and being stroppy if I turn it off for you. 

- Becoming irritated when I remind you about work tasks you have not completed in your own designated time frame. 

- Accusing me of 'snapping' at you but never admitting to this when you do it yourself. Not accepting that an arbitrarily gendered definition has been assigned to this behaviour. 

- Accusing me of raising my voice, shouting and swearing during arguments and doing all these things freely yourself without ever acknowledging the fact of your hypocrisy. 

- Throwing household objects at me during heated arguments.

- Leaving pennies around the house so I must collect them and put them in the penny jar.

- Starting a new loo roll and leaving a few sheets on the old one.

- Leaving wet glasses, coffee pot etc. upside down on the kitchen counter.

- Leaving ugly phone chargers or other electrical items lying around.

- Starting the washing up but instead of finishing it, leaving all the awkward things (sandwich wraps, Tupperware) on the side for me to deal with.

- Not giving context in statements/conversations so I have to wait until the very end of a long monologue for any clue of relevance/meaning. Becoming annoyed if I interrupt you to seek clarification, believing it is perfectly reasonable to expect me to listen to you for as long as you decide I should with no understanding of anything you are saying. 

- Asking a question with a yes/no answer and immediately adding "or (the opposite)" so I cannot answer simply yes or no.

- Never checking items properly in the shop so that you end up buying poor quality produce, the wrong item or food with a short use-by date.

- Setting a task for your students that has no end point (i.e. "write as many poems as you can and keep sending them to me forever"), join them in solidarity at the outset, only to give up after a week or so. Still expecting others to fulfill this task indefinitely. 

- Not bothering to respond to any poems you receive (see above) with comments, praise, constructive criticism or even a conformation of receipt. 

- Suggesting that I have a shower when I already plan to. Suggesting a time for me to have a shower.

- Constantly expecting me to decide what activity we will be doing next and to make a choice for us both only to be vocally unsatisfied with my forced suggestions. 

- Being disappointed with/ critical of/offended by my choice of films/TV programmes. (e.g. The Revenant, Enduring Love, Human Remains, We Need to Talk About Kevin, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, Synechdoce, New York, The Hole, Beauty and the Beast ("f***ing cartoon"), Gormenghast. Pretending that you won't deign to watch the film in question for some elevated moral reason like rejection of depictions of violence towards women (this one really doesn't wash when you have made me watch La Vie En Rose in the same week. Poor Edith Piaf). 

- Refusing to sign in to work, ever and expecting that I will do this on your behalf, every day. Acting sulkily on the one day (Remember? The day you shouted "we don't have to sign in!" at me across the car park?) that I only signed myself in. 

- Changing plans needlessly at short notice.

- Not washing your hands after going to the loo. Denying this. 

- Leaving food/peelings/rubbish/sponges/labels in the kitchen sink drain so I am required to clean it out each day.

- Dropping cutlery, food tins and tea bags down the gap between the sink and the washing up bowl and leaving them. 

- Never accepting my first choice/answer and trying to offer or persuade me into alternatives. 

- Leaving your dirty socks, underwear, trousers, shirts etc. inside out in the laundry basket so I must turn them right side out before I wash them.

- Putting your shirts in the laundry basket with sleeves rolled up to the elbow so that when they are washed and I come to hang them up, I must feed my hands inside the damp sleeves in order to untangle them.

- Squeezing the toothpaste from the top of the tube.

- Neglecting to brush the crumbs off the table/from under the toaster.

- Leaving me to button up all  (every one) of your shirts on it’s hanger so that it doesn’t fall off.

- Leaving the washing up water in the sink to fester into a cold, stinking, stagnant pool.

- Neglecting to sweep the kitchen floor.

- Cutting it fine with invoicing so that we can't pay bills on time.

- Treating council tax bills as though they need not be paid and can be ignored (attempting to persuade me that this opinion is factual and becoming irate when I disagree). 

- Leaving me to make the shopping lists (including checking the cupboards for everything we’ve run out of every single time because you can’t get in the swing of the blackboard system (the whole point is that nobody wants to have to check everything in the fridge and cupboards every week))

- Neglecting to sort, clean or put away the work bag after work or the walk bag after a walk.

- Leaving me to sort and empty all the work rubbish all the time because none of the male members of the team take any responsibility for it and it was some ‘poor old’ lady's job before me (this is essentially unchecked workplace sexism but of course you couldn't possibly be guilty of that, well, guess what? If your Mum, your Aunt, your Nan or any other female did these jobs for you before you grew up into a man when your girlfriend or wife began doing these jobs for you instead, then you've been complicit in sexism. Yes, even if you are dedicated to equality in every other way. Yes, even if you never talk like a sexist. You have chosen to perpetuate an illogically gendered division of labour that unfairly impacts on the time, freedom and, crucially, the self-esteem of women around you. If in doubt, ask if the women are happy to continue being solely responsible for the job in question. FYI, I'm not).

- Wasting food/electricity/diesel/plastic items/anything.

- Leaving your dusty clothes on the sofa and leaving the dust there afterwards or dumping dusty clothes on top of mine in the wardrobe. 

- Leaving your beard trimmings in the bathroom sink or on the bathroom floor or in other surprising places around the house.

- Leaving your soggy razor and shaving brush just next to their designated dish in the bathroom.

- Leaving soap/facial scrub/ conditioner on the shower walls and floor after you’ve left it (I can confirm that the longest I could stand to deliberately leave this mess in case you were "just about to do it" yourself was 8 days)

- Ignoring the milk that inevitably pools in the fridge when a milk bottle is laid on it's side on the shelf.

- Leaving laces, jumpers and other items that are hanging/trailing out of their shelves. Creating disarray.

- Using a new clean, dry tea towel to tread around on the floor to wipe up a spill.

- Ignoring the spare foil on top of the fridge and using a new piece instead.

- Neglecting to empty the fridge of old/unwanted food/waste. 

- Needlessly leaving lights on. 

- Switching on the wrong light by mistake and then frantically switching off and on (and off again) a series of lights until you've got the combination you wanted.

- Thinking it's acceptable to browse the internet on your phone whilst I try to talk to you about something important.

- Interjecting with weak, tedious jokes when I am trying to talk seriously. (e.g. Me: I just want to find peace in my life You: wasn't there a Stevie Wonder song about that?)

- Raising several topics in rapid succession early in the morning and expecting me to focus on and keep up with what you're saying; sulking when I can't focus on what you're saying or don't respond in a way you deem adequate.

- Talking about your past (i.e. the time before you met me, especially the '80's ) and how bountiful and successful it was; having no appreciation of the fact that this could be construed as rubbing my f***ing nose right in it.

- Denigrating and insulting my home town.  

- Losing/not taking care of your spectacles. 

- Not following up on your legal case to access your old bank account, shared jointly with a grasping ex who managed to avoid gainful employment for most of her adult life yet came away from your relationship in possession of a £half million house and everything in it.

- Generally being reckless and unprofessional.

- Always having ready excuses for not meeting your responsibilities.

- Always feeling you have a substantial excuse for delaying discussions I have about my grievances (e.g. You 'are tired', 'are upset', 'are ill', ' are in pain', 'are worried about X', 'have had a hard week’, ‘have a big day tomorrow’)

- Demonstrating world class procrastination. 

- Being hostile and confrontational with strangers.

- Saying "liable to" in lieu of "likely to". 

- Adding or omitting an ‘h’ at the beginning of words.

- Attributing my legitimate grievances to PMS.

- Describing me as “irritable” or "moody" when I am justifiably aggrieved.

- Talking over me.

- Being arrogant.

- Not listening properly to others.

- Starting ambitious projects and not seeing them through.

- Becoming weary of tasks and abandoning them as soon as they lose their novelty.

- Painting a utopian vision of the future that you could not possibly guarantee.

- Cooking with vegetable oil and clinging to a baseless belief that rapeseed oil is "good for you". 

- Not dancing with me.

- Neither having, nor acquiring, any friends.

- Allowing me to sacrifice so much to be with you and never helping to repay the debt.

- Manipulating me into establishing a business that would be our sole source of financial support after I was clear I did not want to.

- Not taking your medicine, planning regular, balanced meals or managing your own health well so that I am driven into a maternal/caregiver role.

- Never eating the fruit that I pack for your lunch unless I feed it to you like a baby (despite the fact that you have invariably chosen and/or requested it).

- Texting me weblinks apropos of nothing without adding explanation or a courtesy cover message because you can’t be a**ed to. I have started doing this as well now to make a point which seems to have been utterly lost.  

- Irritatingly sliding your foot back and forth loudly over the carpet when you are ‘relaxing’.

- Tapping your fingers/hands, feet rapidly in my peripheral vision (especially when I am driving) to make it known that you are angry/upset with me.

- Insisting I tell you what is on my mind/bothering me despite my repeated protestations and subsequently taking great offence and raising a dramatic protest...... i.e. coaxing and goading me into telling you about my problems so that you can minimise, invalidate, discredit and deny them. 

- Failing to answer me honestly when I ask if there’s something wrong, replying with “I’m just quiet” when the real answer is, you upset me earlier but I don’t want to discuss it. 

- Not noticing/failing to warn me when stocks of anything are running low. 

- Falling into dull habits.

- Never coming up with an affectionate nickname for me.

- Having a higher sex drive than me but acting in various strange ways when I offer to or try to pleasure you alone. 

- Not reading any books or newspapers; claiming this arises from poor eyesight and only having glasses with an incorrect prescription, then contradicting yourself by reading a load of crap on your tiny phone screen.

- Not drinking water nor encouraging me to drink water (as you agreed you would do). 

- Insisting you enjoy it when I affectionately groom you, yet reserving the right to animatedly object whenever I do.

- Repeating the same old anecdotes endlessly and then liberally criticising people who “dwell in the past”.

- Using the word “b***h” to describe women who are total strangers to you....and (to describe) me. 

- Giving away all your houses, money and possessions to your exes.

- Driving deliberately towards pedestrians who, in your opinion, are crossing the road too slowly or late. And you can f***ing well stop minimising this with your p***-weak quip about being a 'London driver'. You haven't lived in London for at least thirty years, you're driving on the Cotswold way and it is f***ing sociopathic. 

- Looking over at my phone to be nosey about what I'm doing then asking "how is everyone?" to elicit information about who I'm contacting instead of honestly asking me. 

- Declaring your jobs for the day before putting most of them off for the next day, every day. 

- Escalating the tone of your voice rapidly in a way that I have no way of stopping, easing, subduing, reversing; in short, a controlling behaviour that leaves me no constructive/favourable way to respond (there is nothing I can say to prove that I am not arguing or engaging in conflict, this leaves opportunity for you to say whatever you like without consequence). 

- Quickly retorting with "me too" whenever I mention something I'm unhappy with so you never have to face what I've said, nothing is tackled and I get no acknowledgment.

- Not having a bank account

- Not getting a bank account

- Not having any savings

- Not having any money

- Not having a house

- Not having a car 

- Thinking I ever buy your weak excuses for not doing things/ acting like you have successfully pacified me and kicked the problem (Which one? Does it matter?) into the long grass.

- Putting out a new toilet roll just next to the sink (instead of the place you are supposed to put it - you really cannot bear feeling like you’re being told what to do can you?) where it either sits in and absorbs water that is already there or becomes showered with water when the taps are used.

- Acting out in stubborn, infantile ways when you feel in any way you are being “told what to do” when in actuality you are usually being asked politely or it is being gently suggested to you to do something because it is the logical, good, easy or right thing to do. (I wish you would see a therapist and work through this particular senseless block).

- Announcing mid-argument that you will be going to see a therapist with absolutely no intention of doing this. 

- Exhibiting intensely negative behaviour for long periods of time and still feeling you have licence to complain passionately about “negative people” and how much you hate them. 

- Giving up on reading a book to me and then complaining that we “never read to each other any more”. It’s 7-nil to me, f***o.

- Imitating my voice in a nasty, mocking, affected tone that portrays me as stupid/infantile/crude.

- Pointing viciously in my face.

- Spitting on me when you're talking angrily at close range. 

- Making pathetic excuses for your shortcomings.

- Finding it impossible to see beyond your own inflated, pompous opinions/appraisals of yourself/your achievements or to concede even the slightest weakness.

- If I suggest we do a personality quiz you will happily talk about/analyse your results and field my questions on the same but will show no interest in my own results/answers or opinions.

- Summarising the day's work by highlighting the things you have done/achieved and missing out what I have done. If I remind you what I have spent the day doing, you move on quickly and act dismissively. I guarantee you would not acknowledge the fact that you do this; (it is likely subconscious behaviour).

- Acting like a pinball in a machine at times: pacing around, tutting, bristling and banging things about. Maintaining that I am the only one who does these things.  

- Looming over me and bellowing during arguments whilst glaring at me with your eyes as wide open as possible, despite my having explained to you many times how upsetting I find this.

- Shoving a door into me with force to stop me going into the bathroom during an argument. 

- Misusing a psychological technique you read about briefly online to suddenly put up an “emotional wall”, then using it as a means of punishment by saying hurtful, triggering and antagonistic things whilst claiming you can no longer be affected by anything I say or do.

- Going to sleep when I am distressed and upset.

- Laughing, smiling and offering to give me a kiss - when you have very recently been an unforgivable c**t - as a weak attempt to bypass the part where you learn and understand what you've done to me and jump straight to persuading me to forget what a c**t you are. 

- Being simultaneously fat and scrawny. 

- Insisting that drinks are made for you by others all day at work and intermittently whingeing when they're not made regularly enough and chastising people for not making enough progress in their work. 

- Threatening physical violence to the youngest member of the team with a specific weapon because a gust of wind blew a sheet of c***py synthetic gold leaf over on it's side. This doesn't make you, imposing, artistically uncompromising and impressive, it makes you scummy. It makes me look down on you forever.

- Calling M down from his office to complain that his colleagues aren't respecting you enough and putting him in such an awkward position he cannot think of a single thing to say. M -you know, the one without whose kindness and support we wouldn't have a business or a livelihood, the one who's endlessly doing us favours and complimenting you and your work, yeah, him.  

- Being too lazy to flatten your hair down with water in the morning and leaving a tuft sticking up like f***ing Tintin every god damn day. Acting like a pathetic, grouchy schoolboy when I am compelled to amend it for you because I pity you in your disheveled condition and am concerned that others would judge you unfavourably, (though you maintain you don't care about anyone else's opinion in the whole world). 

- Having bad breath and puffing and snoring it all over me in your sleep. 

- Having a stupid, noisy, whistling, broken nose from all your pathetic violent altercations, of which, you will claim to this day none were started/caused/provoked/incited/deserved by you. 

- Talking like a bombastic, heavyweight boxing champion about lowly, drunken street fights. 

- Being, and making no attempt not to be, a self-proclaimed c**t. Wearing this trait proudly like a badge and using it to define yourself forever. Thinking it makes you edgy and aloof.  Never realising it is boring, lazy, unkind and weak. 

- Spoiling and sabotaging all of my series of attempts to believe in and nurture a wholesome, noble and reasonable side to your character. 

- Wearing f***ing s**t t-shirts that I hate and never picking up on the fact that I hate them. 

- Being a loser.

- Being too lazy to apply ointment to your genital warts.

- Blaming me for transmitting an STI to you although I have never experienced any symptoms.

- Not apologising to me when I received a negative test result for genital herpes. Not retracting your blame for transmitting a virus to you that I certifiably do not have, rather, instantly doubting/dismissing the test results and then never mentioning it again.

- Still failing to recognise the (consistent and unambiguous) signs when I do not wish to have sex with you. 

- Bullying your way into attainment of a doctorate (that you claim was achieved on the strength of “keeping all your notes from a couple of years”) which you conceitedly rocked up to defend utterly unprepared for and with nothing to show for. (Every time you recount this proud moment, emphasising smugly that you were cool as a cucumber before your crucial presentation and reliving the schadenfreude you obviously felt at another student’s visible anxiety).

- Having atrocious spelling and grammar skills. 

- Being an insufferable and unrepentant c**t.

- Spectacularly overreacting when I ask to have a day to myself; generally being pathologically opposed to my seeking time apart, however brief. Erupting with outrage at my request for "A whole day!”out of our holiday, (a holiday which lasted 9 days, 5 of which I had already spent exclusively pampering you, treating you, feeding you, tidying up around you and ensuring you were having a wonderful time.

- Repeatedly bellowing “B******T”! over the top of my attempts to express opinions during an argument and if this riles or agitates me, promptly accusing me of having an anger management problem.

- Immediately playing 'Snap' if I try to talk about something I’m experiencing during an argument, e.g. Me: I’m just feeling really tir.......You: (cutting me off) “I’M FEELING REALLY TIRED!!”

- Threatening to leave/sleep in the car/not eat a meal/throw a meal in the bin/not take me to an appointment/take the car so I can’t get to an appointment and countless other upsetting things during an argument.

- Insisting you are right and talking as though with absolute certainly about something you’ve just guessed/hoped/convinced yourself about/got a gut feeling is right with no hard evidence and being too arrogant to conceive of the fact that you may be wrong. Instantly squashing any questions, doubts or conflicting opinions with utter disdain. 

- Thinking you can ban me from talking about "The Past" when I am trying to discuss something that occurred earlier in the same day or even in the same discussion then talking freely about select episodes from the distant past that support your current argument/outlook/critique of me "this was about 18 months ago but it's a good example"

- Having been married before. 

- Never having the balls to contact people in your family until it's too late.

- Starting things you will never finish and frequently declaring  defensively that you "always finish everything (you) start." Reflecting badly on the whole team by announcing to W and others the things you will do and then not carrying them through. 

- Starting every day with needless, tiresome road rage. If I try to subdue this, argue that I am "always shouting at other drivers". 

- Being unsupportive of things that I do independently.

- Stifling me. 

- Taking 'long cuts' and making journeys unnecessarily and unpleasantly long. Having an aversion to taking the same, shortest route between two points simply because you don't like doing things the same way. 

- Struggling to make simple, logistical or practical decisions. Always allowing choices and higher order organisational tasks to fall to me. Either actively or passively (through waiting silently and inertly until I cave in to acting) coercing me to think through all the variables and make all the plans you don't feel like making or can't be bothered to make. Not believing that you do this. 

- Being someone who exhausts me and from whom I want to escape.

- Not living up to any of your own hype. 

- Losing jobs because you don't feel like doing them and then lying to yourself and me that the reason for not doing them is that it "hasn't stopped raining" (for 12 weeks?!?) even when we have just come through the worst April drought in our living memory.

- Slopping the dishcloth on the draining board and leaving it to fester. 

- Forgetting to use ingredients we have bought especially for certain meals and ignoring them until they rot. 

- Needing continual cajoling and prompting to add vegetables (especially green vegetables) into meals you are cooking but continuing to repeatedly tell me the same tale about 'pathetic baby-men' you have known who refuse to eat vegetables. 

- Impulsively picking up nearby objects to throw at me when you get frustrated/agitated by me; sometimes aborting the launch, sometimes throwing the object and subsequently denying you aimed for me. 

- Calling me a pig.

- Calling me a c**t.

- Calling me a nasty b***h.

- Calling me an a******e.

- Calling me unromantic.

- Calling me Autistic.

- Calling me a 'gaslighter'.

- Calling me cold.

- Calling me an angry b*****d (which I'm technically not and you technically are).

- Calling me an abusive partner.

- Calling me aggressive.

- Calling me a bulls****er.

- Calling me "such a bully".

- Calling me rude.

- Calling me gobby.

- Habitually becoming engrossed in phone games and futile social media interactions when I am right next to you. 

- Forgetting loads of things (including important things) I say. 

- Not being able to even pretend to care about the welfare of our colleagues who are clearly going through a crisis. 

- Seeing the worst in other people and the dark side of human nature everywhere you look, even to the extent that you refuse to be challenged with the facts. 

- Deciding this month (06/21) you will start going in to work early and deciding this gives you the moral high ground every day, even when I am more efficient, organised and productive than you. Expecting that starting 90 minutes earlier earns you special dispensation or leverage in any disagreement or argument. 

- Being ugly to me. 

- Chest-barging me.

- Imitating and mocking me when I am crying. 

- Not getting me a tissue when I have tears streaming down my face and it's your fault. 

- Continually diluting, whittling down and diminishing our future goals but still never going any way towards achieving them. 

- Never stopping mentioning that time I pushed you over when we were both drunk and you were stringing me along - outraged that I was letting another person flirt with me - yet refusing to commit to leaving your ex-partner. 

- Threatening to leave in the middle of the night and return to your own bed (that contained your ex partner) when I said I felt uncomfortable having sex in the same small B&B our colleagues were staying in. (Really think for a minute about how dark this is). 

- Talking nonsense during arguments. 

- Letting our dreams slip away. 

- Saying we should "give up on the wood" (our most important future dream). 

- Saying “it's a good job we don't have a baby.”

- Saying that I have "always been mental since long before we were together".

- Being mean and stingy.

- Relying on me for prompts to make and, sometimes, eat meals.

- Pacing about like a caged animal when you feel anxious or stressed and not realising how this will affect others.

- Having weird taste in music - enjoying things like Cilla White.

- Being scruffy.

- Getting a fat gut from overindulging on late night ice cream but still believing it’s ok for you to insult and berate overweight strangers. 

- Balding at the crown of your head but still believing it’s ok to insult and berate bald strangers.

- Being weak.

- Writing off so many of the problems I try to discuss with you as a product of my mood, (‘funny mood’, ‘weird/strange mood’, ‘bad mood’, 'grumpy mood', 'a certain kind of mood'). 

- Never learning to stop talking and keep your mouth shut when I have something to say. 

- Endlessly suggesting I need a brick wall, a robot or a mannequin to talk to (something that won't respond to me). 

- Not responding when I say important things so that I am unsure whether you have heard or understood. 

- Not healing from your surgery. Letting this spiral into a broader and more complex problem tied up with neurosis. 

- Not getting a passport or a f***ing bank account when you had the money and you had the f***ing chance. 

- Not taking what I say to you seriously. 

- Always being in the habit of kicking problems into the long grass instead of ever solving any of them. 

- Leaving wild bird (swift, FYI) excrement on the carpet in plain sight and pretending not to have noticed it so I am obliged to clean it up. 

- Deserting me in large shops and dashing around erratically so I have no help with the shopping, cannot find you to ask your opinion, cannot put anything in the basket that is usually in your hand and/or need to scour all the aisles searching for you (when I spot you I will call you and you will not hear me and walk past me - as a result of which I will feel very foolish). 

- Presenting me with your opinions and your 'last word' and then following it up by begging me melodramatically to "just please stop"; also highlighting an extenuating circumstance that justifies you silencing me for the foreseeable future or until you decide I am allowed to speak.


TL;DR, I began with writing the cons for a list of pros and cons pertaining to our relationship of nearly 4 years.  There are 228 cons. In light of this fact is it worth me starting a 'pros' list?

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6 hours ago, FREee said:

I sat down to write a list of pros and cons to help me make a clear-headed decision. I decided to get the bad stuff out of the way first.

With this many Cons.. are there any Pro's? 😕 ....

Clearly you know you cannot stand him... then get out of this!


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Just wanted to say thanks to you all for taking the time to respond.

I have never posted on any kind of forum in my life before (I am 36 - too old to be tolerating a crack house-esque scenario) and I really feel privileged that people would make the effort to read my thoughts (apologies for the mile-long-list) and offer their help. 

It has helped a lot, so thank you. F

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You could have stopped at the shouting matches and lack of respect in the relationship. Your anger and resentment blew through most of the points and your irritability is off the charts. This isn't working out. The other person senses your disgust also but you're both verbally abusive and wrapped up in your own worlds. Both of you are better off apart. 

The question is - why hasn't it happened already? What do you need to help you move forward? What are your plans with the shared business? 

Was this just venting or are you going to do something about it?

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Well after the first few months of this...his fault...any time after that it's yours because you have put up with it for this long. You only have yourself to blame. I do understand for whatever circumstances you need to be in this relationship or you feel very trapped due to possibly, no where to go, don't have the finances, no one to turn to etc. This is what abusers do. They isolate you from help, friends, family. 

If you can post here asking for help, you can pick up your phone and call your family. You need to get out..ask for a plane/bus ticket, pack what you need and leave. Go sleep on a friend's couch, get your life back in order.

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Is this for real?

most are legitimate cons. Some I feel you are petty for listing, like leaving drawers open! I am sure this person has a con list for some of your everyday habits. Regardless if you have a problem with all of these things, this person isn’t the one for you 

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4 hours ago, Bothered2021 said:

Is this for real?

most are legitimate cons. Some I feel you are petty for listing, like leaving drawers open! I am sure this person has a con list for some of your everyday habits. Regardless if you have a problem with all of these things, this person isn’t the one for you 

Yes, it is for real and I understand that these points range from pathetic to serious.

The list might make more sense when you know that I didn't write it with a view to sharing on a forum. It was not written in one sitting but added to over time and I returned to it any time there was an episode of conflict or discord in our relationship hence a lot of frustration and resentment coming out. 

Writing these things down was a way of getting them off my chest in the absence of being able to speak to a neutral third party in person. It seemed cathartic at the time but in hindsight, it's been far more helpful hearing from real people than just collecting my own frustrated thoughts. 

I realise I'm not infallible and have my own flaws; I think I know most of what this person considers to be my 'cons'. 

I will think about what everyone has said. 

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6 hours ago, Rose Mosse said:

You could have stopped at the shouting matches and lack of respect in the relationship. Your anger and resentment blew through most of the points and your irritability is off the charts. This isn't working out. The other person senses your disgust also but you're both verbally abusive and wrapped up in your own worlds. Both of you are better off apart. 

The question is - why hasn't it happened already? What do you need to help you move forward? What are your plans with the shared business? 

Was this just venting or are you going to do something about it?

Yes, that's a fair appraisal but I ought to mention that how I was feeling when I wrote these points represents a snapshot in  our relationship, usually the aftermath of conflict. 

I find myself fighting irritability much of the time. I can usually understand where it's coming from but sometimes it's just incongruent and intrusive. Maybe I should be looking for some professional help with this. 

The business and some of the skill is mine but the knowledge, expertise and experience is almost all his so it's unfortunately not going to be an easy untanglement.

I'm no stranger to upheaval and I'm not fearful of changing my circumstances I just need to be certain of my decision before I start from scratch again - I know it takes a lot of energy. 

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No I get the cons list when thinking about the things you don’t like and honestly you shouldn’t have to settle for things you don’t like, no matter how trivial. I guess if I were assessing my future with a cons list I would have just included “deal breakers” or things that add stress to my life. To me that is trivial, but I guess to someone else it could be a big deal. 

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5 hours ago, Bothered2021 said:

No I get the cons list when thinking about the things you don’t like and honestly you shouldn’t have to settle for things you don’t like, no matter how trivial. I guess if I were assessing my future with a cons list I would have just included “deal breakers” or things that add stress to my life. To me that is trivial, but I guess to someone else it could be a big deal. 

Yes, I know what you mean and, I have since made a revised mental list.

It has only a handful of cons but the ones that profoundly affect my wellbeing and sense of self or represent some kind of compromise on my most deeply held beliefs. 

I have a kind of dark sense of humour so that probably came through in some of my original list, (again, I really didn't intend it for an audience, it was just me, talking to me). 

I was aware that some of the items looked trivial in black and white but when I added them to the list it would have been a time they were happening incessantly: the one about the drawers for example, the drawers are in plain view in the main part of the house that, in order to be able to relax at home, I try to keep looking tidy; but I found myself having to add to my routine tucking the things hanging out of the drawers and shutting every one - every single day. 

After a while I thought to myself, 'do I want to commit myself to following this person around and doing this kind of thing for hours every day (and some days it honestly is) in order to be able to live in an environment I'm comfortable and happy in?'

I think some of the little, domestic gripes can really stack up over time. 

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  • 2 weeks later...
On 6/16/2021 at 10:45 AM, Jibralta said:

Is there anything you like about him?

It might not seem so, given the extensive list of cons but there actually are many things. Enough to make me feel conflicted. 

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You're putting a lot of energy into focusing on the negative. Could you be in a generally unhappy state in life at this particular moment? Sometimes when things go wrong in one aspect of life (family, career, etc.), it seems like everything is wrong, even things that usually don't bother us. Every little flaw seems magnified. 

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@FREee free yourself from all of this and leave this man. Too many red flags.

Also, people come in packages. His package has pros and cons, but it doesn't work with you. So stop trying to make it work and stop looking for excuses for his behaviour.

Look for yourself now. Free yourself.

Edited by DarkCh0c0
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On 6/15/2021 at 10:25 AM, FREee said:

In light of this fact is it worth me starting a 'pros' list?

With 228 cons I dont really think any pros list would be enough to save some of them. Some more superficial ones like cables around house sure but some others like constant arguments or even not having a freaking bank account. He sounds like an emotional leech leaving at your expanse. Dont think any pros list can be enough to get over that.

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Frankly, no one will be good enough for you, OP.  I didn't read the whole thing but from others' comments here, yes, some of it would qualify as dealbreakers.  But things like squeezing the toothpaste from the top?  If you are ever to have a successful relationship, you will need to pick your battles.

I don't know what to tell you but I can't imagine there could be this lengthy of a list of "pros."

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Hey, OP. Sorry you are going through this.

First, you mentioned this list is a post-fight compilation of cons. I can palpably feel the hatred and resentment in that list. You might consider rewriting the list now, and not post-fight. Although it likely most or all will remain true while you are cool-headed, you won't have the excuse of "oh, well I wrote these when I was really angry at him" that you've essentially used already on this thread.

Regardless of whether you take my suggestion or not, I'm of the belief that you should break up with this person as soon as practicable. This is because, written at peak anger or not, some of the items on the list should not be tolerated. Throwing things at you? The swearing matches you have? The reckless management of his genital warts? The diminishment of your feelings? That you both do not seem to respect one another? You need to show more respect for yourself - you should not tolerate that. 

Consider: what would life be like if you found a significant other:

Who doesn't throw things at you during a heated argument

Who doesn't have genital warts (or, who treats them properly)

Who dances with you (reading that one broke my heart)

Who has a bank account, savings, some money

Who doesn't need you to be a mother for him

Who, at a tolerable level, cleans up after himself

(Because those are basic things most men would check off - you're missing out on a much healthier and more fulfilling relationship). 

Edited by Pleasedonot5
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This relaitonship is over. A lot of the "cons" are drop-dead dealbreakers. 

And that's probably why you have so many other inconsequential ones; you are hurt and downtrodden and annoyed by him in general (understandable in light of the deal-breakers)

My guess is once you dump him and meet a lovely man who respects and loves you, you won't really care how he squeezes toothpaste out of the tube or whether he leaves a phone charger out. All these seemingly picky annoyances are emotional byproducts of a toxic relationship. 

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