Jump to content

Depressed brother with no hope of changing his life


Recommended Posts

My younger bro is single in his mid 30s and the only person living with my mum. We have all moved out and support ourselves. My bro hasn’t been able to do that. He hasn’t been able to hold down a job for years. My mum practically cooks and cleans for him. So much so that we all think he is lazy. We don’t see any drive from him to want to do better. He doesn’t ask us if we can help him. I’ve tried helping him apply for jobs before when I was unemployed and he simply said “why don’t you sort yourself out first”. I found a job pretty quickly and he’s been in the same situation on the dole for 3 years. When he was young, the primary school teachers felt he needed a helper assistant. It was very clear at a young age he wasn’t like any of us. He was a slow learner, shy unconfident. He didn’t have many friends and has always been awkward. He got bullied at secondary school and that followed him through to adulthood. Once the police took him in for text abuse to an individual (he claims that was why) which came as a surprise to us. Our bro couldn’t hurt a fly, he doesn’t drink, smoke or take drugs. He just minds his own business and keeps to himself. He isn’t one to be a man that my mum can lean on. She always goes to her daughters to sort our things. My friends have said that he struggles with social communication and lacks empathy. Is it possible to diagnose someone on the spectrum as an adult? He certainly doesn’t have a child’s brain but coupled with years of serious depression and loneliness I do think something is not right. I get that you can be depressed for years but I want to understand if he has a disorder we failed to diagnose.  My mum won’t be around for long and I’m worried that when the time comes he won’t have anyone to turn too. Couple of years ago we found him punching and brushing himself because he couldn’t get any interviews. I’ve raised this issue but my siblings feel that I’m wrong, they think it’s just laziness depression and no drive.  

Link to comment
Share on other sites

1 hour ago, DancingFool said:

Sounds like you are 100% correct that he has some kind of undiagnosed issues. What those may be, only a qualified psychiatrist can tell you. Is your brother willing to go and get diagnosed? 

 

I agree that he should be evaluated by a professional.  Adults are evaluated for all sorts of issues, disorders, conditions, medical and mental-health related.  

Link to comment
Share on other sites

2 hours ago, Paranu said:

He hasn’t been able to hold down a job for years. My mum practically cooks and cleans for him. So much so that we all think he is lazy. We don’t see any drive from him to want to do better. He doesn’t ask us if we can help him. I’ve tried helping him apply for jobs before when I was unemployed and he simply said “why don’t you sort yourself out first”.

This is common with depression.  No drive.. lack of interest etc.

I have a son much like this as well.

2 hours ago, Paranu said:

 My friends have said that he struggles with social communication and lacks empathy. Is it possible to diagnose someone on the spectrum as an adult? He certainly doesn’t have a child’s brain but coupled with years of serious depression and loneliness I do think something is not right.

Yes, as an adult is possible.  But why hasn't your mom attempted anything all of these years? 😕 

My son has been in therapy a few times and is on anti deprs'.  I feel it may be a diff diagnosis, than just depression  ( las of empathey? - who knows?).. But contact family dr and ask him to be diagnosed.

2 hours ago, Paranu said:

Couple of years ago we found him punching and brushing himself because he couldn’t get any interviews. I’ve raised this issue but my siblings feel that I’m wrong, they think it’s just laziness depression and no drive.

Aww 😕 

Depression does not equal 'laziness'.  It's a mental issue'.. Is not like he wants to be this way.  There is a LOT going on up there - they struggle 😞 .

if you can help in any way (family able?) .. please do so, w/out judgement.

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

14 hours ago, Paranu said:

Our bro couldn’t hurt a fly, he doesn’t drink, smoke or take drugs. He just minds his own business and keeps to himself

It sounds like you're deceiving yourself though.  If he's been caught for texting harassment, then your statement above isn't true.  Accepting that you're wrong about who you think he is, is the first step.

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

14 hours ago, Paranu said:

My mum won’t be around for long and I’m worried that when the time comes he won’t have anyone to turn too. Couple of years ago we found him punching and brushing himself because he couldn’t get any interviews. I’ve raised this issue but my siblings feel that I’m wrong, they think it’s just laziness depression and no drive.

I really think your mom should be taking the lead here.  She may perceive him as, "the one she can always lean on," but she's helping to create his helplessness and shame and self-hatred about his situation!  

She (and maybe you) need to create a plan for him asap, at least for in the event that she should pass, that there's some kind of plan that will happen, otherwise he will have a really tragic end and you know it!  

It's her job as a mother to **ensure** he's set up as much as she/you/your siblings are able to... whether that's seeking out homes *now* that both of you would be ok with, or figuring out who and where he would stay etc.  Maybe set up a trust fund for him... things like that need to be discussed NOW.

I also think she/you should involve him in these discussions.  He may be very resistant at first, lash out etc. and that's where your mom has to have boundaries where he either works with her, or is kicked out and can live somewhere else.  It sounds harsh, but I think it's not kind at all to not be thinking of her son's future.

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

5 hours ago, maritalbliss86 said:

It sounds like you're deceiving yourself though.  If he's been caught for texting harassment, then your statement above isn't true.  Accepting that you're wrong about who you think he is, is the first step.

 

He was tricked by cruel people. They had connections with the police and were able to get him arrested for something trivial. As I said he keeps to himself. He sleeps, eats watches football, play games and repeats this every day. He is a simple man with no desire, hunger or drive to want to do better for himself. I wish one day he would say I think I’m good at this at least that would help us steer him in the right direction. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

5 hours ago, maritalbliss86 said:

I really think your mom should be taking the lead here.  She may perceive him as, "the one she can always lean on," but she's helping to create his helplessness and shame and self-hatred about his situation!  

She (and maybe you) need to create a plan for him asap, at least for in the event that she should pass, that there's some kind of plan that will happen, otherwise he will have a really tragic end and you know it!  

It's her job as a mother to **ensure** he's set up as much as she/you/your siblings are able to... whether that's seeking out homes *now* that both of you would be ok with, or figuring out who and where he would stay etc.  Maybe set up a trust fund for him... things like that need to be discussed NOW.

I also think she/you should involve him in these discussions.  He may be very resistant at first, lash out etc. and that's where your mom has to have boundaries where he either works with her, or is kicked out and can live somewhere else.  It sounds harsh, but I think it's not kind at all to not be thinking of her son's future.

 

He’s definitely not one she can lean on. It’s her daughters. But she is the one who raised him this way. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

2 hours ago, Paranu said:

He’s definitely not one she can lean on. It’s her daughters. But she is the one who raised him this way. 

.....She didn't raise him this way. He was born disabled. It's really important that you and your siblings grasp the difference here. Unfortunately for him, given the family dynamics, he was never provided with any kind of proper professional help, only ridicule. Sad really.

Would you tell a person with a broken leg that they are just lazy and should get up and run? No, right? Same thing for your brother. He needs help, not denial and ridicule by all of you. By help, I mean professional help - diagnosis, treatment, therapy, support, etc.

 

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Restore formatting

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

 Share

×
×
  • Create New...