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Can depression make you fall out of love?


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I posted a previous question on here a few months ago. Shortly after, my boyfriend (28) and I (34F) had an argument because the level of his respect and commitment to our relationship deteriorated significantly even just in the past few weeks. we took a break but it just seemed like he was using his space to drink more -So I ended up breakup up with him and I told him he needed to try and work on himself because the things that were happening were hurting us both. He agreed and said he would finally get help (he's been depressed and has had PTSD for over a year), and that he wanted to remain friends because he didnt want to lose me and he cares about me so much. 

I agreed. I have an immense amount of compassion for him because I KNOW this is not who he is. The feelings he has about this past situation that happened to him are controlling his life and he even admittedly will tell me that if those things didnt happen to him, that EVERYTHING would be different with us. And that he knows its why his life is the way it is. 

Well, he continued to call me everyday - I never reached out to him first - he asked to hangout, which we did. It seemed like he had been making some positive changes - like not drinking as much. But he still wasn't ready to go to therapy or a doctor. Well, this last time that we hung out we were out with some friends and a guy came and started chatting with me - to which my ex came up and said " dude that's my girlfriend".  We ended up staying the night together because he didnt want to be at my place alone that night (it was storming). But in the morning it felt like things changed again. I asked him what he was feeling about the space and about us (it had been over a month so I thought it was ok for a check in). And he said, well it feels like its dragging on. And I said do you want to start working on things, to which he said "I don't know what we'd be working on".  He said that he had fallen out of love with me and that I was smothering him, because I would get upset if he didnt call me one night or if he commented on another girls looks, or wondered where he was going. But then why does he keep calling, why does he keep pursing me? Why does he still want to be friends?

Can depression make you feel like you've fallen out of love? I KNOW that he loved me, and even just a few weeks ago he was saying that he wanted to try and get better so we could be together. He also says that he just feels cold and numb. He can't find joy in anything and he has so much anger about previous events (not with me but back in his hometown). Im having a hard time understanding WHY. Has anybody had previous experiences that might be similar with a depressed partner? 

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8 minutes ago, Lohny said:

he continued to call me everyday - I never reached out to him first - he asked to hangout, which we did. It seemed like he had been making some positive changes - like not drinking as much. But he still wasn't ready to go to therapy or a doctor. Well, this last time that we hung out we were out with some friends and a guy came and started chatting with me - to which my ex came up and said " dude that's my girlfriend".

Well, this was just wrong of him 😕 ... Because you're not.  

 

9 minutes ago, Lohny said:

it feels like its dragging on. And I said do you want to start working on things, to which he said "I don't know what we'd be working on".  He said that he had fallen out of love with me and that I was smothering him, because I would get upset if he didnt call me one night or if he commented on another girls looks, or wondered where he was going. But then why does he keep calling, why does he keep pursing me? Why does he still want to be friends?

Because YOU are allowing it..

IF you two are not involved anymore ( or not supposed to be), why are you continuing to hang with him?  have him over.. continue to respond?

Are you done..?

11 minutes ago, Lohny said:

had an argument because the level of his respect and commitment to our relationship deteriorated significantly even just in the past few weeks. we took a break but it just seemed like he was using his space to drink more -So I ended up breakup up with him and I told him he needed to try and work on himself because the things that were happening were hurting us both.

Remember this?  Stay true to your word!

You give him nothing.

 

12 minutes ago, Lohny said:

Can depression make you feel like you've fallen out of love?

Depression can make one feel very low.. and lack interest in a lot of things..

 

12 minutes ago, Lohny said:

just a few weeks ago he was saying that he wanted to try and get better so we could be together

And has he?  No.

He needs to stay off the alcy.. consider some prof help maybe?  Someone is not 'all better', after a few months.

If you told him you're done.. for now.  Then you don't continue...

You give your distance and let him focus for a while. on HIMSELF.  Don't cause disturbance.

 

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Alcohol is a depressant. It makes no sense for a depressed person to drink.

If he is truly depressed, drinking and not getting professional help then he is in no place to attempt to be in a relationship. 

The best thing for the both of you would be to give each other space so you can both get help for your issues (his depression and your possible codependence).

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Why does he do this? Because you are enabling him.

If you truly care and want him to get better, then step away from him completely. No contact. Why? As long as he can hang on to you and use your friendship and attention, he isn't getting what he desperately needs - professional help. By being "there" for him you are actually stopping him from healing himself.

You've got to stop making this about yourself and love. He can't love you when he is this messed up and dealing with whatever happened, addiction, depression, etc. This isn't about you OP and you've got to let him go get proper professional help. Please, put yourself aside here.

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50 minutes ago, Lohny said:

like not drinking as much. he said "I don't know what we'd be working on".  He said that he had fallen out of love with me and that I was smothering him

Sorry this is happening. You need to stop trying to fix and change him and hanging out, etc. Delete and block him.

His first love is alcohol.

Read up on help for people who stay involved with alcoholics/problem drinkers.:

https://al-anon.org/newcomers/self-quiz/adult-quiz/

 

Edited by Wiseman2
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1 hour ago, SooSad33 said:

Because YOU are allowing it..

IF you two are not involved anymore ( or not supposed to be), why are you continuing to hang with him?  have him over.. continue to respond?

Are you done..?

I guess I took his actions of reaching out and wanting to hang out as a sign that he didnt want to let our relationship go and that he wanted to work on things eventually. And I think I keep letting it happen because I love him. I want to be with him, I just want him to get better so he can be the man I fell in love with. It feels like his depression robbed us of that. I don't want to be done, but I couldn't keep going on with the way our relationship was and I couldn't fix it either.

Another poster said I need to quite making it about myself. And I know that, it just hurts. and it's confusing. I feel as though if he was clear minded everything would be SO different. 

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2 hours ago, Lohny said:

I just want him to get better so he can be the man I fell in love with. It feels like his depression robbed us of that. I don't want to be done, but I couldn't keep going on with the way our relationship was and I couldn't fix it either.

Another poster said I need to quite making it about myself. And I know that, it just hurts. and it's confusing. I feel as though if he was clear minded everything would be SO different. 

Right.. but he's not.  And this is why you ended things with him.  Hes making a sad mess of things and is good if you pulled away, being aware of his changes & behaviour.

I agree,, to 'want' him to get better - BUT, he's changed now. and is up to HIM to work on improving - not you.

 

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