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My have lost trust with a good friend who is a girl


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I am looking for advice from a female's perspective please.

I have gotten closer to a friend (lets call her "Sarah") that is a female with the last year.  I have known her for three years.  We can both talk to one another for hours.  I have helped her get a new job by giving her advice to prepare for a job interview.  We also talk about other things as well. I make her feel good and laugh and she does the same to me.  I can hear it in her voice when we talk and I told her the same that she brighten up my day.  We are really good friends.  On another note, we are both in the military in the same unit.  When we talk to one another, we have a good connection, since she has the same qualities as I do.

So, the other day she told me that she was getting a tatoo under her breast on her rig cage area.  She has gotten one before on the other side.  So, I spoke with her and boosted her confidence since she was nervous about getting another one again.  The next day she was out sick where we work together.  So, one of her very close friends (lets call her "Julie") and I were talking and mentioned that my other friend (Sarah) had gotten a tatoo.  Well, unfortunatelly Julie mentioned this to Sarah.  I found out the same day that I was not supposed to mention the tatoo to Julie. Sarah never mentioned that I should not mention this to Julie.  I did not think anything about it, since Julie and Sarah are real close to one another. 

So, I called Sarah to apologize and to say that I am truley sorry.  The next day, I tried to talk to her about the situation and Sarah said she did not want to talk about it at work.  So, I listened to Sarah.  But I felt there was a change in the way she acted around me now.  

I truley feel I have violated her trust in me now.  I talk about trust is a key factor in any relation or life in general.  But now I have broken my relationship/trust with someone I care for a good friend. I dont know how to repair what I did and to get her to trust me anymore. 

I spoke to my sister about this and she said that I am blowing this out of porportion. Its because I believe in trust and have broken it with Sarah.  My sister said I should write a text message that says, "I know that I have broken my own rule of trust and our friendship.  I am truly sorry.  I hope your week goes well and and know that I am here if you need anything. Thanks".   Should I write this to my friend or just back off and give here space?

Please give me your suggestions or thoughts.  

Thanks

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9 minutes ago, Armyguy368 said:

Should I write this to my friend or just back off and give here space?

Let the dust settle for a bit. What you mentioned was not top secret classified information, but was perhaps perceived as gossiping. 

She will be your friend again, just let her process a bit, then when she reaches out, put it behind you.  You already apologized, so let it be for now.

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Wow.....you are really blowing this out of all proportions and creating major drama.

This has nothing to do with breaking trust at all. Had she told you to keep it between you only or not tell anyone, then yes, you'd have broken her trust when you talked. She didn't. You didn't break anything.

The only apology here is, "I'm sorry I had no idea I wasn't to talk about it." Also, ask her what about this upset her so you don't do it again. Seek to understand and let her explain. Listen carefully and don't talk back or get defensive or apologetic, aka don't create drama. After that, let her be to get over it as she will.

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Nothing to do. Just relax. 

In future, don't talk about anyone's ongoings when you catch up with other people.

It's not your news to tell. Talk about yourself and ask about the other person or other news. Keep the conversation short if you have nothing else to talk about. 

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10 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Let the dust settle for a bit. What you mentioned was not top secret classified information, but was perhaps perceived as gossiping. 

She will be your friend again, just let her process a bit, then when she reaches out, put it behind you.  You already apologized, so let it be for now.

Thanks for the information.  

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4 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

Nothing to do. Just relax. 

In future, don't talk about anyone's ongoings when you catch up with other people.

It's not your news to tell. Talk about yourself and ask about the other person or other news. Keep the conversation short if you have nothing else to talk about. 

Thanks for the information.  

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10 minutes ago, DancingFool said:

Wow.....you are really blowing this out of all proportions and creating major drama.

This has nothing to do with breaking trust at all. Had she told you to keep it between you only or not tell anyone, then yes, you'd have broken her trust when you talked. She didn't. You didn't break anything.

The only apology here is, "I'm sorry I had no idea I wasn't to talk about it." Also, ask her what about this upset her so you don't do it again. Seek to understand and let her explain. Listen carefully and don't talk back or get defensive or apologetic, aka don't create drama. After that, let her be to get over it as she will.

Thanks for the information.  I know that I have been told by my sister about blowing it out of porportion. So, I did apologize that same day and thought also about not sending the text message as it may show me as being clingy, insecure or just annoying.  You mentioned to ask her what upset her, but I getting feedback to just give her space and not talk about it and let the dust settle.

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30 minutes ago, Armyguy368 said:

I am looking for advice from a female's perspective please.

I have gotten closer to a friend (lets call her "Sarah") that is a female with the last year.  I have known her for three years.  We can both talk to one another for hours.  I have helped her get a new job by giving her advice to prepare for a job interview.  We also talk about other things as well. I make her feel good and laugh and she does the same to me.  I can hear it in her voice when we talk and I told her the same that she brighten up my day.  We are really good friends.  On another note, we are both in the military in the same unit.  When we talk to one another, we have a good connection, since she has the same qualities as I do.

So, the other day she told me that she was getting a tatoo under her breast on her rig cage area.  She has gotten one before on the other side.  So, I spoke with her and boosted her confidence since she was nervous about getting another one again.  The next day she was out sick where we work together.  So, one of her very close friends (lets call her "Julie") and I were talking and mentioned that my other friend (Sarah) had gotten a tatoo.  Well, unfortunatelly Julie mentioned this to Sarah.  I found out the same day that I was not supposed to mention the tatoo to Julie. Sarah never mentioned that I should not mention this to Julie.  I did not think anything about it, since Julie and Sarah are real close to one another. 

So, I called Sarah to apologize and to say that I am truley sorry.  The next day, I tried to talk to her about the situation and Sarah said she did not want to talk about it at work.  So, I listened to Sarah.  But I felt there was a change in the way she acted around me now.  

I truley feel I have violated her trust in me now.  I talk about trust is a key factor in any relation or life in general.  But now I have broken my relationship/trust with someone I care for a good friend. I dont know how to repair what I did and to get her to trust me anymore. 

I spoke to my sister about this and she said that I am blowing this out of porportion. Its because I believe in trust and have broken it with Sarah.  My sister said I should write a text message that says, "I know that I have broken my own rule of trust and our friendship.  I am truly sorry.  I hope your week goes well and and know that I am here if you need anything. Thanks".   Should I write this to my friend or just back off and give here space?

Please give me your suggestions or thoughts.  

Thanks

I also wanted to post that she is young as well. She is 25 years old.  So, I realize that older woman will act differently since they grow up and learn how to cope with situation differently than younger woman.  I am 49 years old as well.  

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11 minutes ago, Armyguy368 said:

Thanks for the information.  I know that I have been told by my sister about blowing it out of porportion. So, I did apologize that same day and thought also about not sending the text message as it may show me as being clingy, insecure or just annoying.  You mentioned to ask her what upset her, but I getting feedback to just give her space and not talk about it and let the dust settle.

Since you already apologized, then yes, let the dust settle. Definitely don't send that text message. You are right that it would come off as over the top.

Once you are back to normal, then perhaps you can address the "what upset her" if that is still appropriate. It might not be. Once people process and let go, they do let go and usually there is no reason to dredge things back up again. You really have to deal with that sort of stuff as it comes up and hard to advise from afar. As a general rule, when you upset someone, it's good to seek understanding the what and the why and that tends to help clear the air faster. People want to be heard and understood even if their upset feelings weren't rational at the time.

As for yourself, you've got to have more clear boundaries about what is and isn't a breach of trust and don't seek to self flagellate when you weren't entrusted with anything in the first place.

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1 hour ago, Armyguy368 said:

I found out the same day that I was not supposed to mention the tatoo to Julie. Sarah never mentioned that I should not mention this to Julie.  I did not think anything about it, since Julie and Sarah are real close to one another. 

Did you explain this to Sarah?  That you didn't know at the time, that you should not have said anything to her?

I think this is all you should say.. and leave it alone.. See IF she comes around or not.

If not, nothing you can do...

 

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8 hours ago, SooSad33 said:

Did you explain this to Sarah?  That you didn't know at the time, that you should not have said anything to her?

I think this is all you should say.. and leave it alone.. See IF she comes around or not.

If not, nothing you can do...

 

I dont recall that I was not to tell Julie about the tattoo.  So, I have had some advice from friends to just sent a text stating that I did not know that I was not to tell Julie about the tattoo. I will then leave it alone as everyone has told me.

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13 hours ago, Armyguy368 said:

She is 25 years old. 

 

13 hours ago, Armyguy368 said:

I am 49 years old as well.

She is too young for you, dude. Legally there are no issues, of course, but the difference in life stages is too much. If you're hoping to date her, well, you are going to need to keep moving. 

13 hours ago, Armyguy368 said:

I found out the same day that I was not supposed to mention the tatoo to Julie. Sarah never mentioned that I should not mention this to Julie.

So what the heck are you apologizing for? Sarah is being ridiculous and creating drama. You could not have read her mind and known this was meant to be some big secret from Julie, for whatever reason. Personally, I don't believe this anything to do with a tattoo. I think this woman does not want people knowing that you two are close, and she's slamming the brakes on it getting any closer.  

Edited by MissCanuck
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Let it go.  She will calm down and realize she over reacted or she won't.

  People get butt hurt for the strangest reasons.  You have done everything you can so let time and distance be your friend.

Do you have a romantic interest in this woman?

Lost

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9 hours ago, lostandhurt said:

Let it go.  She will calm down and realize she over reacted or she won't.

  People get butt hurt for the strangest reasons.  You have done everything you can so let time and distance be your friend.

Do you have a romantic interest in this woman?

Lost

I do have an attraction to her, but I never will push for any date or anything like that because she is too young for me.  She needs something closer to her age. We just have a lot in common with one another and I am her mentor in the mililtary as well. 

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From the position of a 26yr old chick I dont see where you went wrong except swinging to far into the apology field. 

 

Look at it like this, you're attracted to her but maybe she isnt back because of the age. She may still like the attention but doesnt want to be judged about it, therefore being upset that you shared something she told you like that. Here's the deal. She should have said something and not reacted so upset, it was a basic miscommunication. But somewhere insecurities are at play.  A tattoo below the breast is an intimate area, and people infer things. Maybe just tighten up boundaries,  she will realize that she overreacted just like you did and then it's better to move on.

 

Use the app love while parenting, I know that sounds like a strange app to suggest but it has been amazing for learning communication skills that have eliminated things like this from putting them into practice. Finding better ways of unpacking these situations as they arise because you shouldnt chase pain

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If she never told you not to tell anyone else, how did you break her trust in you? I would have assumed that she had mentioned this to her good friends already. 
 

She is being unreasonable. 

Edited by Usa1ah
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Yep, you are definitely blowing this out of proportion.  So you mentioned something that you didn't know you shouldn't have.  It's not like you gave away trade secrets.  I think this will blow over.  You have said you are sorry.  I would leave it at that.  Anything else about breaking trust is unnecessary because that isn't what happened. It was a misunderstanding.  No need to dig an even bigger hole for yourself to have to climb out of.  You've said sorry. End of.  The ball is in her court now to be mature enough to accept your apology.

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In the future, be very careful not to discuss anything personal in nature regarding friends and your mutual friends.  (Same with social media, texts, emails, messages, voicemails, etc.  Everything can be shared, copied, pasted and forwarded.)  Be very careful.  I've learned to be very careful of this because I too had to apologize profusely for my absentminded and very naive mistakes.

Even though you didn't know you weren't supposed to discuss Sarah's tattoo, you shouldn't have said anything personal (such as about her tattoo) to Julie nor anyone.  It's better to err on the side of caution by saying too little than too much.  What's harmless to you is a lack of confidentiality to others even though mutual friends know the same information.  Gracious behavior is knowing what not to discuss in conversation.

Live and learn and from now on, you'll remember this harsh lesson because most people learn the hard way as I have.

I agree with your sister.  Sarah is creating unnecessary, explosive drama over this.  However, I disagree with your sister.  Don't write and send Sarah a text.  You've already apologized profusely and that's enough.  If Sarah refuses to accept your sincere apology, then just remain peaceful, kind, natural, well mannered, respectful and nice should your paths cross in the future.  There is nothing more you can do.  Sending her a text is overkill.  Yes, back off and give her lots of space.  Either she'll come around or she will continue to snub you.  You can't force her to act any certain way.  Let her be.

I can see Sarah's point of view, too.  When I confide to a friend, I wouldn't want that friend to talk about me to mutual friends.  There needs to be boundaries regarding conversations behind a friend's back because that's the unspoken loyalty code and common sense without specific requests of "don't say this, don't say that, don't mention this or that" each and every time regarding every subject or topic in life. 

You made an honest mistake and you've since said you were truly sorry.  Don't say nor do anymore.  Either Sarah will learn to forgive you and let this pass or she'll reject you entirely.  Either way, accept her choices even though she is harsh.  A lot of people are harsh in this world.  In some ways, I'm one of them dependent on the offense.  For something minor accompanied with a sincere apology, it is  easy for me to forgive.  If there is no admittance nor apology, then I withdraw, no longer engage nor become invested in anyone's life but that's just me.  I hope it works out in your favor.  Don't be too hard on yourself.  To your credit, you've apologized and learned not to discuss sensitive matters to others.  I've known countless people in my life who would never admit anything in a million years.  Express remorse and apologize?  That will happen when hell freezes over. 

You are a good person for apologizing and knowing what not to talk about in the future. 

You have a conscience which I can't say about many people in my life. 

 

Edited by Cherylyn
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On 6/21/2021 at 6:44 PM, Cherylyn said:

In the future, be very careful not to discuss anything personal in nature regarding friends and your mutual friends.  (Same with social media, texts, emails, messages, voicemails, etc.  Everything can be shared, copied, pasted and forwarded.)  Be very careful.  I've learned to be very careful of this because I too had to apologize profusely for my absentminded and very naive mistakes.

Even though you didn't know you weren't supposed to discuss Sarah's tattoo, you shouldn't have said anything personal (such as about her tattoo) to Julie nor anyone.  It's better to err on the side of caution by saying too little than too much.  What's harmless to you is a lack of confidentiality to others even though mutual friends know the same information.  Gracious behavior is knowing what not to discuss in conversation.

Live and learn and from now on, you'll remember this harsh lesson because most people learn the hard way as I have.

I agree with your sister.  Sarah is creating unnecessary, explosive drama over this.  However, I disagree with your sister.  Don't write and send Sarah a text.  You've already apologized profusely and that's enough.  If Sarah refuses to accept your sincere apology, then just remain peaceful, kind, natural, well mannered, respectful and nice should your paths cross in the future.  There is nothing more you can do.  Sending her a text is overkill.  Yes, back off and give her lots of space.  Either she'll come around or she will continue to snub you.  You can't force her to act any certain way.  Let her be.

I can see Sarah's point of view, too.  When I confide to a friend, I wouldn't want that friend to talk about me to mutual friends.  There needs to be boundaries regarding conversations behind a friend's back because that's the unspoken loyalty code and common sense without specific requests of "don't say this, don't say that, don't mention this or that" each and every time regarding every subject or topic in life. 

You made an honest mistake and you've since said you were truly sorry.  Don't say nor do anymore.  Either Sarah will learn to forgive you and let this pass or she'll reject you entirely.  Either way, accept her choices even though she is harsh.  A lot of people are harsh in this world.  In some ways, I'm one of them dependent on the offense.  For something minor accompanied with a sincere apology, it is  easy for me to forgive.  If there is no admittance nor apology, then I withdraw, no longer engage nor become invested in anyone's life but that's just me.  I hope it works out in your favor.  Don't be too hard on yourself.  To your credit, you've apologized and learned not to discuss sensitive matters to others.  I've known countless people in my life who would never admit anything in a million years.  Express remorse and apologize?  That will happen when hell freezes over. 

You are a good person for apologizing and knowing what not to talk about in the future. 

You have a conscience which I can't say about many people in my life. 

 

Well, I was told to send a text and dont send a text.  I guess i just wanted closure from the incident.  I hate no knowing what someone is thinking and especially when we will see each other as well.  I did send a text message stating the obvious.  She did reply and said that she should have told me to not tell her friend Julie.  She said that this wont effect our good friendship as well.  I guess that is what I needed to hear from her so that I can move on and clear my guilty conscience.  I am good person and give from my heart and that is why we are so close.  I dont like to hurt people, but seems I am always the one to get hurt from others.  I also deal with depression weekly.  So good days are good and others are terrible.  I hate myself for who I am with my mood swings.  It effects other people and I guess this is why I had a hard time dealing with what I did to Sarah.  Yeah, it looks as though it was not anything I made more of a mess or issue with my mind telling me one thing. 

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This woman is over-dramatic and not a great friend. 

If she were, she would not have lost her mind over you inadvertently sharing something she never indicated was a secret. Stay away from people who engage in histrionics, OP. 

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On 6/22/2021 at 4:24 PM, Armyguy368 said:

 

On 6/22/2021 at 4:24 PM, Armyguy368 said:

 

I'm glad Sarah admitted that she should've told you not to mention her tattoo to Julie and she said that it won't affect your good friendship with her as well.  It was good of her to put your mind at ease.

Now that you have this tattoo story out of the way, it's time to focus on your life instead of others. 

I've noticed that whenever I'm very sensitive regarding what others think of me, I start to feel paranoid and insecure.  In order for me not to fixate myself onto others so much, I concentrate on myself such as making my physical and mental health top priority above everyone else.  There is a definite sound body, sound mind connection.  Whenever I neglect tending to myself, I feel very negative, fearful, sad and grumpy all the time.  Nowadays, I take better care of myself and after that, I'm too exhausted to care about anyone else.  This is actually a positive sign because this new mindset prevents me from having angst, grief, wasted distractions, wasted energy and wasted time.  You ought to try to make changes for yourself in order to have peace of mind.

I've learned to turn everything OFF such as social media, cell phone,  computer and TV which are time traps.  I take better care of myself and become a very industrious person.  I no longer fret over what others think of me and I don't have time to feel so down, sensitive and insecure.  After I take care of myself, I'm too tired to care!  Do a reset and take action for a better sense of well being.

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On 6/22/2021 at 4:24 PM, Armyguy368 said:

Well, I was told to send a text and dont send a text.  I guess i just wanted closure from the incident.  I hate no knowing what someone is thinking and especially when we will see each other as well.  I did send a text message stating the obvious.  She did reply and said that she should have told me to not tell her friend Julie.  She said that this wont effect our good friendship as well.  I guess that is what I needed to hear from her so that I can move on and clear my guilty conscience.  I am good person and give from my heart and that is why we are so close.  I dont like to hurt people, but seems I am always the one to get hurt from others.  I also deal with depression weekly.  So good days are good and others are terrible.  I hate myself for who I am with my mood swings.  It effects other people and I guess this is why I had a hard time dealing with what I did to Sarah.  Yeah, it looks as though it was not anything I made more of a mess or issue with my mind telling me one thing. 

Are you being treated for the depression? Talk to your doctor if you're continuing to have difficulty with moods and thinking clearly. You have to learn to self-soothe or let things roll off your back, things that don't matter so much. Speak up when you feel it's appropriate and then let things be which you did. You apologized and that means something. I'm glad the friendship is ok. 

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On 6/23/2021 at 8:16 PM, Cherylyn said:

I'm glad Sarah admitted that she should've told you not to mention her tattoo to Julie and she said that it won't affect your good friendship with her as well.  It was good of her to put your mind at ease.

Now that you have this tattoo story out of the way, it's time to focus on your life instead of others. 

I've noticed that whenever I'm very sensitive regarding what others think of me, I start to feel paranoid and insecure.  In order for me not to fixate myself onto others so much, I concentrate on myself such as making my physical and mental health top priority above everyone else.  There is a definite sound body, sound mind connection.  Whenever I neglect tending to myself, I feel very negative, fearful, sad and grumpy all the time.  Nowadays, I take better care of myself and after that, I'm too exhausted to care about anyone else.  This is actually a positive sign because this new mindset prevents me from having angst, grief, wasted distractions, wasted energy and wasted time.  You ought to try to make changes for yourself in order to have peace of mind.

I've learned to turn everything OFF such as social media, cell phone,  computer and TV which are time traps.  I take better care of myself and become a very industrious person.  I no longer fret over what others think of me and I don't have time to feel so down, sensitive and insecure.  After I take care of myself, I'm too tired to care!  Do a reset and take action for a better sense of well being.

Thanks for your reply.  You are right about what you say and I focus on others a lot because I feel I am unsecure in my life to including lacking self-confidenct or self esteem.  Unfortunately I dont have people in my life to make me happy is also the issue.  I have tried to find others but fail to succeed.  So, I tend to give to others because I am not selfish.  It makes me feel good and happy to make other people smile and happy.  That is what makes me smile.

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On 6/24/2021 at 1:24 PM, Rose Mosse said:

Are you being treated for the depression? Talk to your doctor if you're continuing to have difficulty with moods and thinking clearly. You have to learn to self-soothe or let things roll off your back, things that don't matter so much. Speak up when you feel it's appropriate and then let things be which you did. You apologized and that means something. I'm glad the friendship is ok. 

I am seeing a pyschologist via phone calls one a week at the moment since its free through the military.  I am going to eventually see about one I can visit locally as well.  It helps to vent and talk to someone.  I feel sometimes when I talk to friends that I am always venting or getting my things off my chest with them.  When its not fair to have them listen to me *** or unload my dirty laundry on them.  

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