Girlfriend lies

[Carlo500]

My live in gf has lied to me on several occasions. Her answer is that I caused her to lie by questioning her. Background: early in our relationship she worked in a strip club as a bartender. I met her separately from that. She was very open, honest, fun, educated person and i began to get more serious with her, but I told her I couldn't seriously date someone who worked in a strip club. She quit. In her other job, her boss was very inappropriate saying sexual things to her. She said that he was gross and that I should just relax and understand that she has to deal with that. I felt he was a sexual predator. She insisted he may make gross jokes but was  a gentleman who never touched her. Now years later a conflict occurred between them (too many details) were she now told me her "forcibly touched" her many years ago and that it was not consensual. I feel that she should not have omitted this information because I asked if he ever touched her or they ever had any contact before proceeding in our relationship and she said no. She claims she blocked that memory. I don't know if I believe her, but my sense is she consciously omitted that information because she feared I would break up with her if I knew. I haven't broken up with her so that fear was unwarranted.

Another lie was a young male neighbor was texting her. She does allow me access to her phone and I admit I am controlling, so I saw the text. She agreed she would tell me if he contacted her again. He did and she didn't tell me. But again, I knew because she gives me access of course. Again she says she didn't tell me because she feared I'd get upset. It seems like he was trying to sell some financial product but it's unclear. My problem is that he had the number in the first place which she says she gave to his mother (we met them as neighbors mom and son in the street but I left when they exchanged numbers so there's some small possibility of confusion over who was getting her number). Our resolution was I would confront the young man and tell him to back off. I did. We saw the kid in the street and he waved to her conspicuously and she waved back. I thought it was disrespectful of him (and her to reply). I am overly built fighter and don't again wish to assert myself with this kid and want my gf to ignore him. She agreed it was disrespectful and apologized saying she felt weird ignoring him completely.

There was one other similar lie, and she says it is because I am controlling that she lies which has some truth to it. We go to counseling and the counselor said no more lies, that she needs to tell me the truth and if I over react, threaten relationship over it, etc. then we should break up. But she still withholds after that counseling session. 

I would appreciate any thoughts. Should I understand her lie is acceptable under the circumstances of my controlling behavior or is a lie after counseling a direct violation of the relationship?

 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Carlo500 said:

she says it is because I am controlling that she lies which has some truth to it.

Unfortunately, sounds like a vicious cycle. 

Is this the same woman?:

 

[Carlo500]

Yes, same woman Wiseman2 and thanks for your reply.

 

[DancingFool]

This isn't a relationship problem, this controlling raging thing is a YOU problem. Something you should be working on personally and directly rather than in couples counseling.

Yes, if you want people to be honest, YOU have to make it safe for them to do so. Meaning that you can't be controlling, threatening, flip out, etc. When you punish a person for being honest with a negative reaction, people will start lying to avoid your temper and to avoid punishment.

Also, you have a history of reacting badly, so no, your gf can't just flip a switch and start trusting that you miraculously will not create drama if she tells you the truth. When you destroy trust with your behavior, it takes a very long time for people to learn to trust you again and it will be a touch and go situation. This means that it will be hard work on YOU to earn their trust back and there will be times where a person will opt to lie expecting a bad reaction from you and you will have to not only forgive them, but keep reassuring them and proving to them that telling you the truth is fine.

Above aside, don't date someone who doesn't share your values and you won't have these issues in the first place. You aren't just being controlling, you are trying to change who she is. Never works out in the long run.

[Lambert]

1 hour ago, DancingFool said:

This isn't a relationship problem, this controlling raging thing is a YOU problem. Something you should be working on personally and directly rather than in couples counseling.

Yes, if you want people to be honest, YOU have to make it safe for them to do so. Meaning that you can't be controlling, threatening, flip out, etc. When you punish a person for being honest with a negative reaction, people will start lying to avoid your temper and to avoid punishment.

Also, you have a history of reacting badly, so no, your gf can't just flip a switch and start trusting that you miraculously will not create drama if she tells you the truth. When you destroy trust with your behavior, it takes a very long time for people to learn to trust you again and it will be a touch and go situation. This means that it will be hard work on YOU to earn their trust back and there will be times where a person will opt to lie expecting a bad reaction from you and you will have to not only forgive them, but keep reassuring them and proving to them that telling you the truth is fine.

Above aside, don't date someone who doesn't share your values and you won't have these issues in the first place. You aren't just being controlling, you are trying to change who she is. Never works out in the long run.

Dancing fool is spot on. You need to look internally at your actions, reactions, & comments that created this dynamic.

She should have kept that job and found a guy that accepted her as is. 

Your behavior sounds like that of a bully. but at the same time you claim the morale high ground. Which is quite abusive. 

If you really care for this woman, get into separate therapy, too.

She has been assaulted and harassed by men. She couldn't trust you with it. You provided no safe space for her to land.  And then you say, maybe her lie can be an exception? Dude, you two are living in different realities.

[SooSad33]

3 hours ago, Carlo500 said:

Another lie was a young male neighbor was texting her. She does allow me access to her phone and I admit I am controlling, so I saw the text. She agreed she would tell me if he contacted her again. He did and she didn't tell me. But again, I knew because she gives me access of course. Again she says she didn't tell me because she feared I'd get upset.

Sadly... she fears you 😕 ... and why you have access to HER phone?  I have no idea.

People need to learn 'respect'.

3 hours ago, Carlo500 said:

My problem is that he had the number in the first place which she says she gave to his mother (we met them as neighbors mom and son in the street but I left when they exchanged numbers so there's some small possibility of confusion over who was getting her number). Our resolution was I would confront the young man and tell him to back off. I did.

Honestly.. None of this is any of YOUR business.  Who she talks to.  

She has friends.. she is not cheating!

3 hours ago, Carlo500 said:

We saw the kid in the street and he waved to her conspicuously and she waved back. I thought it was disrespectful of him (and her to reply). I am overly built fighter and don't again wish to assert myself with this kid and want my gf to ignore him.

Wow you! 😕 .. Like seriously!  Maybe you need to learn... to back off, respect & stop 'controlling' her!

 

3 hours ago, Carlo500 said:

We go to counseling and the counselor said no more lies, that she needs to tell me the truth and if I over react, threaten relationship over it, etc. then we should break up. But she still withholds after that counseling session. 

Yeah- because she fears you!  She can't stop lying, with you standing over her every move like this!

She's feel better & feel free to speak to you about ANYTHING, if she didn't feel so dominated!  

3 hours ago, Carlo500 said:

I would appreciate any thoughts. Should I understand her lie is acceptable under the circumstances of my controlling behavior or is a lie after counseling a direct violation of the relationship?

You think her lying is 'violating' the relationship?  Is not just that.. it's you here as well.

I hope your counsellor is aware of how YOU make her feel.

 

She is acting like this because you make her feel weak.

YOU need help of your own.. to respect your partner.. back off and let her be.

NO reason for you to be like this with her.. So you are both struggling in your own ways.

 

If I were her friend, I'd be trying to get her to remove herself from this... relationship 😕 .

[Rose Mosse]

3 hours ago, Carlo500 said:

I would appreciate any thoughts. Should I understand her lie is acceptable under the circumstances of my controlling behavior or is a lie after counseling a direct violation of the relationship?

 

The relationship is beyond repairable. There's no trust at all if you're checking her phone. You don't trust her actions or what she says. Regardless of her past, why on earth are you in this and continuing to control her? This reflects on you as abusive and controlling. Are you in this relationship because you love her or because you fear being alone and like to monitor someone else? How is this at all appealing or interesting in a relationship? 

Take yourself out of this and date someone who matches your values or matches the character traits you find in a person. Fix your controlling behaviour because everyone you meet will hide from you if you can't control your reactions or the way you speak or act around others. Don't bring the broken trust and issues from this relationship to the next. Stay single for awhile. 

[Coily]

You need to really evaluate yourself in all this. Everything you posted there OP just sounds like an incident ready to happen, and it seems like you know it deep down. The old adage of if you truly care let them go comes to mind.

[lostandhurt]

So I teach a lot of people how to train their dogs.  All of my dogs are well trained so everyone asks me for advice.

The first thing I tell them is to never call their dog to them and then discipline them. You are teaching the dog mixed signals and they will never know what to expect when they come to you. Then when you need them to come because it is important they hesitate.  Do you see the correlation? 

  You have taught your gf to distrust your motives so she lies when she doesn't have to.  You have made it clear you do not trust her and even the most innocent thing triggers your distrust. 

This is going to stop one of two ways.

1. You seek out counseling for yourself to stop this abusive controlling behavior or

2. She finally gets sick of it and breaks up with you.

You act this way for a reason and it isn't her fault.  Look back at your life, I am sure the answer is there.

PS  I am assuming she is very pretty and lots of guys check her out (even young guys) so are you going to go around chasing away every male that checks her out?

Lost

[smackie9]

It's not working out, the counseling is not working out, and nothing has changed....breakup.

[Bothered2021]

It’s good you acknowledge the fact that you are controlling. I don’t think that couples counseling can repair that as much as your own counseling to work on yourself. 
Lying isn’t ok in a relationship, I don’t care what anyone says. I assume you didn’t enter the relationship controlling her or she probably wouldn’t have stayed. I also assume she didn’t tell you a bunch of lies in the beginning either. It could have been something as simple as her telling you about something she sees harmless and you see inappropriate. And the reaction you had may have made her think she has to lie about the things she does that you aren’t ok with but she sees no problem with. So from there you ask her all the time who she talked to and what they did to find out if she’s doing things “wrong”. She doesn’t want to make you mad so she lies. However, you’ll never get that urge to question or check her phone out of your system because you know that she has probably done something “wrong” and you will find it. Hence the cycle. You will always find something she did wrong and attached to a lie, because you are both on different pages about what behavior isn’t appropriate. Therefore you will always catch her lying because she can’t openly tell you about her actions without upsetting you. And the more you find, the more you will feel the need to control. 
Once you feel like you have been wronged by someone it’s hard to see them the same. You assume they will always lie, or all their behaviors are suspect. It seems nearly impossible for you to see past all the times she lied and start fresh 

[MissCanuck]

9 hours ago, smackie9 said:

It's not working out, the counseling is not working out, and nothing has changed....breakup.

This. 

The relationship is over for all practical purposes anyway, OP. No trust, too much resentment, too many unhealthy behaviours. A relationship needn't be this difficult to keep alive. 

[Capricorn3]

I don't know if it's just me, but I find this entire thread (OP's comments) extremely disturbing.  In many countries this bullying controlling behaviour is viewed as domestic abuse. Not surprising she would lie.  Good grief.  I fear for the girlfriend and I hope she has enough sense to leave and head for the hills and never look back.

Meantime OP, it would serve you well to look into personal therapy and anger management to help you sort out all of your many issues and abusive, bullying and controlling behaviour.