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“Impossible to go back”


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I had been with my ex for seven months and in that time I really enjoyed her and loved her there was something missing that I couldn’t put my finger on and it pushed me into a state of withdrawal. She was really really into me and gave me her world. I couldn’t understand why I was not feeling 100% on the relationship, she wanted me to have dinner with her parents but I was reluctant as I was not sure I wanted to take it to the next step. 

This created a rift and through that rift we mutually decided to split. The split was amicable and we hugged at the end as I left her house. Now that I have been apart from her one month we broke up May 14 I have had time to reflect on what it was that caused this withdrawal. It turns out it was her tattoos on her stomach she has about 20 that I had not been able to see past. 

What has transpired from this is the fact that I can actually see past them and appreciate all her wonderful qualities that she has. But. she is a very strong and assertive woman and has said that it is impossible for her to go back to a past relationship. She has had abusive relationships in the past and has had lots of counselling for them I was by far the best boyfriend she has had I feel I have thrown away the one relationship I always wanted. 

I have heard through the grapevine she is sleeping with someone, I’m hoping this is a rebound. 

Is the salvageable?? I am devastated.

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You only want her now that you don't have her. 

She is right not to take you back. I don't mean that to be harsh, but the chances that you are actually in love with her now are incredibly slim. This is more than likely your ego talking, rather than genuine interest in her as a person and romantic partner.

She has lost interest, so it's best that you let her go. 

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Just in my opinion, no, it's not salvageable.

You questioned the relationship, you embarrassed her in front of her parents (because no doubt she had to explain to them why you didn't want to come to dinner).

You made her feel unimportant and disposable, and over what?...tattoos?

I mean, I know you had your reasons at the time, but breaking up with someone over the reasons you did, really does seem insignificant and I do wonder if you loved her at all.

Her heart was broken.

If past boyfriends treated her badly, then no doubt it took a lot for her to open up and trust you.

She was hurt in the process and when she already had trust issues, I can't see her giving you another chance to hurt her again.

Unfortunately, you've lost her.

Every choice you make has consequences. That's why you have to be very careful on what you chose to do.

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37 minutes ago, Keystone said:

I have had time to reflect on what it was that caused this withdrawal. It turns out it was her tattoos on her stomach she has about 20 that I had not been able to see past. 

I have heard through the grapevine she is sleeping with someone, I’m hoping this is a rebound. 

Sorry this is happening. How old is she?

You broke up for a valid reason which was you were not into the relationship and were not attracted to her. 

How did you "hear through the grapevine" who she sleeps with?

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When a person breaks up, it means they didn't care enough to work on any problems to resolve them. There was no problem for the both of you to resolve. Your theory of the issue being her tattoos is grasping for straws as you merely miss being in a romantic relationship. Stick to your first theory that something was missing that would've had you wanting to go to the next stage. Your fate lies with someone else.

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Well if she's not going to spend thousands of dollars to laser off her tattoos for your sake then nothing is going to change. You had a pretty shallow reason for ending it and now you need to live with the consequences.

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I don't think it's shallow. You are attracted to what you are attracted too, and certain things are turn offs. Everyone has a preference. I can totally relate. I don't like tattoos either. I too don't find them attractive. BUT I am not against anyone getting them. All my friends have them and plenty of them. I'm the odd duck out.

The reality is, you couldn't get your head around it. Now that you hear she has moved on, all of a sudden you want her back. You desire most what you can't have, and seeing someone interested in her is the only reason why you are feeling this way.

Dude move on. Get on some dating apps, and find that tattoo-less girl of your dreams.

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Why are you devastated, when you walked away?

Was 7 months, some things didn't appeal to you.  Is okay, she'll get over it, as will you.

It's not a 'rebound', as that normally happens when a couple have been together 'long term', you two were less than a year.

 

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Posted (edited)

She is 23 and I am 27. When I had time to reflect on what I valued in the relationship I realised that the girl that I had wanted in my life was right in front of me. I had been hurt in the past and was reluctant to be hurt again and so withdrawing was a safe bet. As it turns out I am the most hurt because I didn’t give it my all. We have mutual friends and I will be seeing her at parties. The reluctance to accept the tattoos came from a vision I had of my future partner and I didn’t imagine her with tattoos I know it is a shallow thing I can only see that now. She doesn’t know this though. Is it a good idea to express how I feel (maybe not tattoos bit)? We haven’t spoken for about 3 weeks. I’m doing no contact to let emotions return to a normal state first. 

Edited by Keystone
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No, it is not a good idea to tell her. It's just not cool to play the I don't want you, oh wait, yes I do game with people's emotions. It's hurtful.

I think she already said there's no going back. Please respect her wishes, you have already hurt her and it doesn't seem like she wants to give you a chance to hurt her some more.

You'll be better for the next woman.

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Hey, OP. Sorry you are experiencing this pain.

You've listed what happened; you've mentioned the tattoos. You've said you weren't feeling it at the time. You didn't initially list any positives. Now, when you hear she is with someone else, all of the sudden you are devastated that she is moving on. Certainly it makes sense that your pain might be due to a bruised ego.

Re: Feeling Devastated. Think back to the relationship and how you felt. You wrote essentially that you didn't feel strongly at all. What about the relationship or her was so great that you want it back? You did not list any specific positives so far. 

Re: Being Personally Guarded. You mentioned you "had been hurt in the past and [were] reluctant to be hurt again and so withdrawing was a safe bet." Think back to the relationship with her. Do you recall feeling consciously guarded back then - or is this just something you are using to now explain away why you did not feel strongly for her back then? If you sincerely had a wall up when you were dating her, use how you are feeling now as a lesson. You'll need to fix that before you have successful relationships in the future. Perhaps it may be appropriate to discuss any applicable reasons you'd be guarded on this thread.

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