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Boyfriends colleague


Sal
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My boyfriend and I do the same job but work from different locations. It’s a male dominant job and very profession. We come together often for nights out to let our hair down. 

I have been having a reoccurring issue with a girl on my boyfriends team which is causing me a lot of anxiety. 

I have been doing the job a few years longer than the other girl. She had joined my partners team and they all went on a night out. I know a lot of people in the job and was out with my own team so we all met up. This is where the issues began. 

I walked into the bar and saw her dancing all over my boyfriend. I held in any opinions or feelings about this and did not express them as I don’t like to cause drama publicly. My boyfriend saw me, came straight over, gave me a kiss and we stood chatting. Within minutes this girl had come over and pulled my boyfriend away. I was so cross as she was so incredibly rude to me. She knew who I was and I know if the roles were reversed I would absolutely have introduced myself and had a conversation with the girlfriend of my colleague. I should also mention this girl is married. I spoke to another girl who was there with my boyfriends team who said she had been behaving like this all night, grinding on all the men and attention seeking. She reassured me that my boyfriend had actually told her to go away at several points when she was too inappropriate so I did feel better about the situation. 

The next day I expressed my upset to my boyfriend. He was oblivious to this stuff on the night because he was drunk and in his own little world. He relayed this back to the girl in question. 

When I next met her, again on a night out, she immediately came over and introduced herself and apologised for her behaviour before. I gave her the benefit of the doubt and really appreciated the apology. I continued my night and sat with my friends while my boyfriend went off with his. We came together again in another bar. Out of the corner of my eye I could see her doing the same as before. Too close. Too ‘touchy feely’. I had several friends come up and ask me if I has seen what she was doing, saying they wouldn’t be happy if that was them. I kept my cool and ignored it. I trust my boyfriend. She continually came up to me, maybe 4-5 times and apologised and then trotted off and returned to the same behaviour. On around the 6th apology I had enough, especially when the apology consisted of ‘i’m really sorry, we’re friends, I do think he’s hot but we’re just friends’. I asked her to go away and leave me alone. I told her that her apology was rubbish as she kept repeating the same behaviour and I did not want to look at her anymore. She went off crying to my boyfriend. I was not going to allow this so went to get her to talk it out like adults. I explained to her that her behaviour was extremely disrespectful, that she is married and developing a poor reputation and that she clearly knew she was in the wrong for her continued apologies. I felt as though the air had been cleared and she had perhaps understood from my perspective. 

We had a few more nights out with little issues. She was still over friendly for my liking but I chose to present as un-phased by this. She often ended the night crying because she was too drunk and in my honest opinion, hated when she was not centre of attention. 

There have always been rumours about my boyfriend and this girl. I know that is down to previous nights out and the behaviour displayed but also the way with our job. There are always rumours when a man and woman work closely together. So I ignore them. I trust my boyfriend. 

The final incident follows a recent night out I had organised for my birthday. I had invited my boyfriends colleagues, including this girl, out of politeness. Before she arrived we had been having a great time. As soon as she arrived I felt tense and I do admit this is now my own insecurities due to the past issues. I really wanted to have a drama free night and a good time. So the night began and there were no major issues. A few things that irritated me, such as, she bought a round of drinks and left me out. I began to feel that every time I spoke she would overpower me and make it all about her. I ignored it and continued talking to my friends. Out of the corner of my eye I could see her trying to hold my boyfriends hand across the table. I saw him pull away. She was drunk again, my boyfriend always said to me this is how she gets when she is drunk. She then jumped up and forced her way onto the bench between me and my boyfriend. My friends called my boyfriend over to another bench away from her and he moved straight away. I became upset because it was my birthday and I spent the entire time watching her. I kept my upset between myself and my friend because I didn’t want to ruin the night. 

We continued on to another location, a friends house. On the walk I expressed to my boyfriend how I was feeling but said I didn’t want to make a big deal out of it as I didn’t want any drama. At our friends house we bumped into each other in the kitchen and the girl said she felt there was some tension between us. I explained that I already lacked trust due to her behaviour in the past and I couldn’t just forget that. I asked her how she would feel if I was behaving the way she was towards her husband to which she said she wouldn’t like it. I told her that she had crossed the line, she said ‘yeah I probably did go way over the line’ and I replied ‘the fact you know that and did it anyway is another reason I don’t trust you’. I told her I would NEVER stop my boyfriend behind friends with her, I didn’t want her to not text him or speak to him because i’m present, I don’t care that they are friends, just don’t disrespect me. We hugged it out and I felt like I had finally got my point across. She left the room and 5 minutes later I rejoined the group. I walked out and saw her sitting right next to my boyfriend, she was telling him about our conversation and cuddling him. At this point I was devastated. I walked out and sobbed to a colleague, explaining I simply didn’t know what to do anymore. I didn’t say a word from that moment until the moment we got home as I just felt absolutely defeated. 

When we arrived home I explained all the above to my boyfriend between tears. The problem is he brushes it off as ‘she gets too drunk, she’s not just like it with me’ but as a female I know her motivation is not innocent. He did completely understand why I was feeling the way I was and apologised for not doing more about it at the time. I want to be clear I also told him that he was disrespecting me by not putting a stop to it sooner and allowing her to be all over him (considering the rumours too). I know him well, I trust him and know that he loves me. We live together, we have future plans together and I know he would not jeopardise that. I know he would have just seen it a drunk cuddle from his mate and completely missed all the other stuff. But I still don’t think it is ok. He said he would talk to her at work when she is sober as he does not think she will even remember our conversation. 

I’m left feeling completely sad. My birthday was ruined. I feel anxious whenever my boyfriend goes out with her. Thinking if she behaves like this when i’m there, how bad is it when i’m not. The rumours hurt me, as much as I ignore them. I just want to be respected and I don’t know what more I can do to express this and put an end to this constant social event ruin? 

I’ve genuinely considered reporting her to our standards department but I don’t want to be petty. 

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18 minutes ago, Sal said:

I also told him that he was disrespecting me by not putting a stop to it sooner and allowing her to be all over him

This is the main problem. 

Your boyfriend is not drawing firm and appropriate boundaries with this woman. She could not cause problems if he didn't tacitly allow it. 

The focus needs to be on his lack of response, not on her desperate and emabarrassing behaviour. 

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19 minutes ago, Sal said:

I just want to be respected and I don’t know what more I can do to express this and put an end to this constant social event ruin?

OMG get a new boyfriend!! 

The problem is that you're with a man who doesn't respect you. And you're not respecting yourself when you stay with him!!

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39 minutes ago, Sal said:

Ive genuinely considered reporting her to our standards department but...

Sorry this is happening.  How long have you been dating? How old is he?

Your BF and his drinking are the problem, so there's nothing to "report".

It seems like your BF is getting off on this catfight. Otherwise he would stop this nonsense.

Reconsider the relationship. You're not happy with him.

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To be really honest I think you've been way too soft with this woman. You shouldn't have invited her to your Birthday at all. She sounds like a terrible person in every way! After she'd been onto your boyfriend all that time, you still invited her to your Birthday. She bought a round of drinks and excluded you and she was all over your boyfriend AGAIN at YOUR Birthday. And this is a married woman. She's totally pathetic. Where is her husband in all of this?

I would recommend you not to be nice to her anymore. You've spoken to her so many times and she completely disrespects you and in fact she's a blatant a-hole. Your boyfriend also has no boundaries because he continues the friendship with her. I think considering her appalling promiscuous behaviour je should stop being friends with her. I think he had to choose - you or her. She isn't really his friend because she wants to be more than friends, so she has an agenda.

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Remember your BF has to work with her, so like a lot of men, they would rather sweep things under the rug to keep the peace. Ever hear, you desire more what you can't have? The more resistant he is to her, the more she's gonna chase, especially if the GF (you) is getting upset. That's an ego boost for her. Being a threat make her feel powerful. She has learned that the way to deal with people is to manipulate them with lies/apologies. She's toxic. Any attention is good attention to her. She feels all that when she's into the sauce. She's incredibly insecure, and has a problem with alcohol.

The only way to stop this is for your BF to stop going out with the group and have him hang out with you and your group. I'm sure if you asked your BF how he would feel if a male coworker in your group behaved that way towards you, it would have him clinching his fists.

Edited by smackie9
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I don't know why you keep saying you trust your boyfriend or even why you are still dating him and putting up with this shaite show. 

OP, it's not her, it's him that's the problem. If he wanted to, he'd have boundaries and keep her at bay. Instead he is taking you for a fool, brushing off all this bs as "she is just drunk.......and I love the attention and the catfight" - the latter is the silent part, OP. On that note, please stop talking to her about it. She knows what she is doing and she gets off on upsetting you. The more you talk, the more she gets off on tormenting you. She isn't your problem or someone you need to be talking to - your bf is the real problem and if he can't act right, he needs to go. They are both openly humiliating you while you are trying to play the "cool gf". It's not cool at all when you don't stand up for yourself by getting rid of people who treat you like dirt.

Come on, have some self respect and step out of this mess. Get a boyfriend who actually respects you and your relationship. This one doesn't.

Do not debase yourself by getting into a cat fight over a piece of tiny sausage.

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It's lack of boundaries and not enough courage to do the right thing. I'd rethink any future with this person. Unfortunately you cannot fix spineless. He doesn't have what it takes for long term. I think your trust is misplaced.

 

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Yup, I agree with above responses.

HE knows how she is... yet HE continues to be her 'friend'? 😕 

How long have you two been involved?

IF he respects YOU, he'd speak up and react.  He'd take your hand and lead you out of all of that.  But, he takes it...

He needs to be stronger than this!

Not sure if anything would be dealt with from your work place, if you report her, since her behaviour & drinking is not happening while at work... correct?

It's mainly when out in public.

I suggest you have aheart to heart talk with him.  That you highly suggest he avoid her, totally!  That if things don;t change YOU cannot take anymore.

Let him think on this..

 

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What's with all the getting drunk? Do you and your boyfriend and this group of colleagues always have to get drunk when you go out?

And your boyfriend is using being drunk as an excuse. He's the problem.

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As an adult, he's knows exactly what he's doing.  When it comes to the point of feeling the need to convince him how wrong this is, the relationship is/has already headed south, (imo).

If he had an ounce of respect for you, he would have hit the brakes as soon as this started.  I'd ask myself what the future holds after this betrayal.

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This is of course not appropriate for her to behave this way being married and grinding on attached men.  BUT your fight is not with her, it is with your bf.  What if you didn't work at the same place and blow off steam at the same bar?  He would be allowing this and you would never know until someone saw him and told you.

  Respecting the relationship and boundaries are very important and he is lacking on both fronts.  You told him you didn't like the way she was coming on to him and he spoke to her about it but obviously it didn't work.  Let him know you don't like what is going on one bit and he needs to decide what he is going to do about it.  If he chooses wrong then it is time to rethink the relationship.

  I wonder how he would like it if you did some dirty dancing with a guy from your team.

By the way the line "We are just friends" is on the front page of the cheaters handbook which I am sure this woman knows by heart. 

  Give your bf the opportunity to fix this and if he doesn't take your concerns to heart he has shown you how important you and the relationship is to him.

  I would bet this women loves drama and attention...

Lost

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The only thing I can imagine IF   your BF is capable of thinking in his pathetic state is that this fight might get him in hot water with HR.

But that's a terrible excuse to allow encourage continuing dirty dancing on his part. He needs a wake up call that this behavior and lack of boundaries is destroying his existing relationship. And will get him what exactly? Fired most likely.

This woman <insert insult of your liking> is doing this for power and control in the workplace. You are also feeding her self inflated ego by "hugging it out" with that kitchen incident.

All in all if you want to keep a relationship with your BF, he needs to set boundaries. You both probably should stop the hanging out with colleagues as a crutch for social outlets.

 

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