Helpme2531 Posted June 13, 2021 Share Posted June 13, 2021 Hey everyone, I apologize for the book in advance. I am currently a 28 year old male who has been involved in a relationship with a women 18 years older since 2015. Starting in 2015 I started dating her. I was very hesitant at first. After being hurt by women my own age and knowing I am an an old soul at heart I figured what the heck. We started seeing eachother and immediately things got very intense. We were spending a lot of time together, and talking anytime in between of working and seeing eachother. Then 3 months in my life was turned upside down for the first time with her. I caught her cheating with another man. Whom she previously was with before I came to find out. We almost broke up but her excuse was I never made things official. I laughed and said you met my family and I met your family and kids from your previous marriage and we have been inseparable since we met. And she said she thought I was a young guy and just wanted to have fun and she had no idea I wanted to be serious. So I gave her benefit of the doubt we worked it out and overall things went OK from 2015-2018 (with some hiccups back to that shortly.) But then in 2019 my mom passed away. It changed me and I dropped off for a bit. I was dealing with the grief and was not avaliable to her for quite sometime. Even then during 2019-2021 we have continued to see eachother and label this as a relationship. However there are many issues and I know im trying to salvage something that isnt salvageable. Back to those hiccups.....Through these 6 years i have caught her texting her exes (different exes from her past)I mean more than 5-7times. The last time I had proof was as recently as a year ago when I was over visiting. I found an email to her ex. She said something about why did they stop talking after resuming talking and some other odd stuff. She always swore to me that all these times it was just talking never cheating and that only in the beginning she cheated. She just wanted to catch up and talk to them...I never fully believed any of the situations and always had my doubts but never had proof. I love her and wanted to make it work. Currently at this time things are getting even worse I haven't seen her in 3 months she is making excuses and breaking plans with me everytime we set something up. 2 weeks ago she disappeared all weekend (the weekend we were supposed to see eachother) and then tells me her father was in the hospital....I feel in my heart she is cheating and I even believe this time she is definitely going all the way. Heck all the other times she could have been too ill never know except for the first time 3 months in when I walked in on her and the guy...she always goes to bed super early now and always has a horrible headache. I've told her for 2 years now if I'm not for her to tell me and I can move on just to please do it the right way and don't cheat and hurt me even worse. It's like in my heart I know otherwise but I cant bring myself to end this. I know this is pathetic. I dont know if it's my confidence and I feel if I wasn't a catch for an older woman how could I possibly be a catch to a woman my own age and I feel like I'll never find anyone that is wanting the same thing as me. I do love her that is true but I know I probably should have ended this a long time ago. I'm 28 now and she is 46. I want children someday and know with her it's not feasible. Link to comment
Kwothe28 Posted June 13, 2021 Share Posted June 13, 2021 Oof, so many red flags. Even if you disregard the kids thing (which is huge and she probably already has few on her own and dont want one with you even if she could), cheating, not seeing lately, headache before bed, texting exes, that one is definitely doing something. Cut your loses and find somebody closer to your age to build what you want from life 32 minutes ago, Helpme2531 said: I dont know if it's my confidence and I feel if I wasn't a catch for an older woman how could I possibly be a catch to a woman my own age and I feel like I'll never find anyone that is wanting the same thing as me. Thats BS. Its not the age, its just that you stumbled upon a person that just wanted younger guy to have fun. She already has gone through what you need to go through, love, marriage, kids. She doesnt need you except for sex and even that she is probably getting somewhere else lately. You are still very young, find somebody who would go through all that stuff with you together. Link to comment
SooSad33 Posted June 13, 2021 Share Posted June 13, 2021 44 minutes ago, Helpme2531 said: I dont know if it's my confidence and I feel if I wasn't a catch for an older woman how could I possibly be a catch to a woman my own age and I feel like I'll never find anyone that is wanting the same thing as me. Wow 😕 ... nothing like feeling 'lost'. Yeah, you should have left this a while ago. She has handed you multiple excuses and this relationship sounds like it has never really able to 'build', or flow smoothly. With you always on edge as to if/when she may be out there, cheating? IMO, none of this was truly for you. You just 'accepted' it all, because you had feelings. And, you're affected due to your past relationship as well ? As for you being hurt by women your own age, it happens at every age -- I guess you came to realize this? And re: the age? 😮 ... * So, 6 yrs ago, you would have been 22.. like no * . This is like dating your own son. You were just getting goin with your life.. she's been at it for a while.. and in no way are you two on the same path. She seems kinda unsettled... and like I said, you accepted this - her excuses. Now, it's time you realize your 'self worth' and be strong.. That all of this is just wrong! You should remove yourself- totally! And be on your own a while, to work through this experience and work on getting to be okay again. You approach her and have a decent, respect talk. You be honest and say it's been enough for you. No arguments.. just leave it all behind. you get out of this and focus on only YOU for a good while. Do not contact her.. Do not accept any attitude or begging, etc. Time to get out of something that's no good for you. Link to comment
Helpme2531 Posted June 13, 2021 Author Share Posted June 13, 2021 19 minutes ago, SooSad33 said: Wow 😕 ... nothing like feeling 'lost'. Yeah, you should have left this a while ago. She has handed you multiple excuses and this relationship sounds like it has never really able to 'build', or flow smoothly. With you always on edge as to if/when she may be out there, cheating? IMO, none of this was truly for you. You just 'accepted' it all, because you had feelings. And, you're affected due to your past relationship as well ? As for you being hurt by women your own age, it happens at every age -- I guess you came to realize this? And re: the age? 😮 ... * So, 6 yrs ago, you would have been 22.. like no * . This is like dating your own son. You were just getting goin with your life.. she's been at it for a while.. and in no way are you two on the same path. She seems kinda unsettled... and like I said, you accepted this - her excuses. Now, it's time you realize your 'self worth' and be strong.. That all of this is just wrong! You should remove yourself- totally! And be on your own a while, to work through this experience and work on getting to be okay again. You approach her and have a decent, respect talk. You be honest and say it's been enough for you. No arguments.. just leave it all behind. you get out of this and focus on only YOU for a good while. Do not contact her.. Do not accept any attitude or begging, etc. Time to get out of something that's no good for you. Thank you so much for your kind words. I have accepted this. Yes your right I have learned now that anyone can hurt you regardless of age. I have made such a big blunder and im so embarrassed that I have wasted so much time trying to settle for something. Also yes I was 22. She was 40 when we first met. Thank you for your kind words and time. Link to comment
Helpme2531 Posted June 13, 2021 Author Share Posted June 13, 2021 38 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said: Oof, so many red flags. Even if you disregard the kids thing (which is huge and she probably already has few on her own and dont want one with you even if she could), cheating, not seeing lately, headache before bed, texting exes, that one is definitely doing something. Cut your loses and find somebody closer to your age to build what you want from life Thats BS. Its not the age, its just that you stumbled upon a person that just wanted younger guy to have fun. She already has gone through what you need to go through, love, marriage, kids. She doesnt need you except for sex and even that she is probably getting somewhere else lately. You are still very young, find somebody who would go through all that stuff with you together. Thank you both for your input. Like I said I know the writing on the wall it is just helpful to hear from people and know im thinking the wrong way. Thank you so much Link to comment
SooSad33 Posted June 13, 2021 Share Posted June 13, 2021 5 minutes ago, Helpme2531 said: Yes your right I have learned now that anyone can hurt you regardless of age. I have made such a big blunder and im so embarrassed that I have wasted so much time trying to settle for something. Chalk it up as an 'experience'... and we come to learn. You kept trying and that's normal. And eventually you did come to your senses - which is good. You realize enough now and I gather have come to your senses and what you can or cannot handle . Is time, to move on. 😉 Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted June 13, 2021 Share Posted June 13, 2021 Sorry this is happening. Sorry to hear about your mother. Do you live together? How old are her kids? Do you work together? Is there a significant differential in income, lifestyle, etc.? At 28 all the things you want out of life are ahead of you and easy to obtain but not with her, of course. At some point you'll tire of feeling like a boytoy and you'll get yourself out of this. It sounds like you were not in a good place when this started. At 22 you were too young, confused and this 'felt right' although it never really was. Link to comment
Helpme2531 Posted June 13, 2021 Author Share Posted June 13, 2021 We did live together for a time. We met at work I was an office manager and she came to me and basically asked me out. But in 2018 my mother got really ill and I was her main caregiver my 2 older siblings didn't help too much as I was the last one in my hometown anyways I made the decision to move an hour and half away from her to try and give my mom the best chance. My mom passed a year later and I've just been settling for someone I know who can't commit and give me the life I want. I already knew what I needed to do I just really needed someone to talk to about this and have support. My sister and me are really close but she has hated her ever since I caught her in bed with the other guy. Thank you for your time and response Link to comment
Andrina Posted June 13, 2021 Share Posted June 13, 2021 1 hour ago, Helpme2531 said: I dont know if it's my confidence and I feel if I wasn't a catch for an older woman how could I possibly be a catch to a woman my own age Your brain still had 3 years to mature into a fully adult brain, so your thought process then was way off. You assumed an older woman be more mature and more stable for a relationship. That wasn't the case, and the opposite. To me, there is something really mentally off for a 40 year old to want to be dating a 22 year old. I did OLD in my 40s and plenty of guys in their 20s contacted me. I told them thanks for the ego boost, but I prefer dating guys closer to my age. 1 hour ago, Helpme2531 said: After being hurt by women my own age and knowing I am an an old soul at heart I figured what the heck. Young people are learning the dating game and do make mistakes. Your exes made mistakes and I'm sure you did too. If people don't get hurt in the dating process, they were one of the minority to hit gold with their first partner. If you're the type to keep choosing inappropriate women, it means your self esteem is lacking and your woman-picker will continue to be faulty. Be alone and work on that and create a fulfilling life without a partner. Ironically, that's the only way you will be ready to date again. Link to comment
Helpme2531 Posted June 13, 2021 Author Share Posted June 13, 2021 Thank you so much for your input. I thought that a few years ago how I never wanted to hurt her because the thought of kids has of course crossed my mind. I really appreciate you taking the time and your input. I'm just going to have to stay strong and work on myself. I admit I do have self esteem/self worth issues. Thank you again for your kindness Link to comment
abitbroken Posted June 14, 2021 Share Posted June 14, 2021 4 hours ago, Helpme2531 said: I've told her for 2 years now if I'm not for her to tell me and I can move on just to please do it the right way and don't cheat and hurt me even worse. You are asking her to do something that you should do. You say you never want to hurt her, but you aren't hurting her by breaking up - you are hurting yourself by staying. And you are hurting her by staying. You can't meet a woman for a healthy relationship and she can't meet a guy who is more at her stage in life. Think seriously of what you want in life - if you lived in another dimension/alternate reality where you never met or broke up long ago - what would you be doing. Do you want a chance to have kids of your own and a wife? you cannot do that if you stay. Are you making education or career decisions that you would not have made (you would have made bolder decisions). When you are 45, she will be retiring, and pressuring you to quit your job to "be with her" or she willl want to move to be with her grandkids At that age, if you keep yourself in good shape, you will probably will still look good to younger (30-45) women also. Write down all the things you want to do as a young man (you are still a young man relatively speaking) and keep your eyes on that. Link to comment
No1 Posted June 25, 2021 Share Posted June 25, 2021 At this point this has nothing to do with her, it all has to do with you. Leaving is not your problem. Staying away is your problem. You know exactly who she is, how she behaves and you walk in eggshells, you cant look at her without questioning every move she makes. You dont trust a single word she says so you have all the reasons to justify you breaking up with her. Your problem is staying away. She might be beautiful, might be the best sex you ever had, might be that you think you cant attract someone else or maybe even think that she is the best you will get or it could be another reason. But every day that you are with her, it hurts you just a little. So you can either empty out the bucket one drop at a time or you just dump the bucket and empty it out. Either way you are going to get wet, but the water on you will eventually dry and you can move on without her in your life. So really it boils down to you. There is never a good time to break up and never a good way. But maybe she wants to break up with you and you two are too chicken to do it. She could think that you are the young sure thing she has which gives her the confidence and freedom to flirt but a life without the ego boost you give her scares her. So she will do just enough to convince you to keep her. Today, you have that choice. Break up with her and wish her a good life, or you find a way to stay in a relationship that you are not happy in. Your move Link to comment
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