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Who was in the wrong?


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My partner and I find ourselves in arguments that seem to have a consistent narrative - it usually goes like this:

He asks me to help him with something (e.g. massage his foot). Because I know, in this example, I am not that good with foot massages with my hands, I opt to get our massage gun to massage his foot, which I know will do a much better job. But he insists on not using the massage gun and instead I just massage however way I can because he claims that feels good regardless. I insist on using the gun because I know it will do the job much better which is to relieve the tension on his foot. Few back and forth where I ask him to just give it a chance for a few seconds at least before refusing, but he then gets annoyed because I keep defying his wishes and his request and insist on doing things my way which I claim is more beneficial. This is then what leads to the argument which is basically him getting mad at the fact that I didn't listen to him and me feeling frustrated that he is not willing to give me a chance with regards to what maybe better for him that what he even knew. 

This then escalates into how I am always constantly refuting or opposing him and me feeling like he doesn't seem to appreciate that my intention was not to be proven right but the thought that goes into going above and beyond what's being asked for the ultimate benefit of him. 

So am I in the wrong for not listening to him, or him for being too big-hearted to give my proposal a try? 

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36 minutes ago, Adulting2021 said:

I know, in this example, I am not that good with foot massages with my hands, I opt to get our massage gun to massage his foot, which I know will do a much better job. But he insists on not using the massage gun and instead I just massage however way I can because he claims that feels good regardless. I insist on using the gun because I know it will do the job much better which is to relieve the tension on his foot. Few back and forth where I ask him to just give it a chance for a few seconds at least before refusing, but he then gets annoyed

Okay.. so back it all up!

You should respect his wishes.. Instead of going on & on about it.. If he says, he prefers you do it, not the machine, can you not accept that & leave it - instead of continuing on about how YOU find it better?

 

 

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You really made a mountain out of a molehill here, OP. Good grief. The man can decide for himself what feels better. 

But this isn't about the massage methodolgy you each prefer. When you're fighting over nonsense like this, there are deeper issues between  you that you're not addressing adequately - so it gets projected onto random situations like this. 

So tell us, what are the real issues in your marriage? Because Massage Gun vs Hand ain't it. 

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I dunno, maybe he likes you to do it from some reason. Maybe power thing, maybe just your touch. Relationships and marriages are often about compromises. That means that more often then not one side doesnt get what it wants. But you both seem stubborn to do one. I mean its really not a good reason to fight. Massages? At least there one side can be less stubborn about it. 

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In your example, he asked if you would do something for him. You agreed but suggested an alternative. He did not want that alternative. Then, you kept insisting that the alternative was better and that led to a fight. I agree with him in this situation: your behavior was obstinate and understandably frustrating.

Edited by Pleasedonot5
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22 hours ago, Adulting2021 said:

So am I in the wrong for not listening to him, or him for being too big-hearted to give my proposal a try? 

You're looking at it in a more practical way and maybe he just wanted to be more intimate with you. Does he also massage your feet or give you massages? 

Is there any romance in your relationship?

 

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It sounds like its your way or its wrong. In the words of Dr Phil you sound like a "right fighter"

Does this happen with everything he suggests? Do you suggest a different way to do it, then get angry if he doesnt agree with your way?

This marriage sounds exhausting.

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I don’t know, I guess you could just do it the way he asks like others said. Or you could say you don’t want to do it at all. Yeah we should do our part to bring pleasure to our partners but you aren’t obligated to rub his feet. To be fair, he can rub them himself. I rub my own 🤷🏻‍♀️ And most people are happy to have their back rubbed, or feet or shoulders in anyway that isn’t painful, so idk why this would be a big deal to him. I also don’t know why it would be a big deal to you. It definitely seems to have a power struggle element to it 

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Question whether you want to give your husband what HE WANTS, or not.

He's asking for some tension relief from your touch. 

Instead, you give him tension by forcing the issue of a machine he does NOT want.

Why do that? Why not just indulge him, relax him, make him happy?

Later, when he's in a great mood and feeling fabulous, he might be more open minded to your asking if he would let you try out your device on his feet. 

But if his answer is NO, then let it go, laugh it off and quit while you're ahead.

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