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Jealousy and insecurity in my relationship (LDR)


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Hi everybody.

Long story-short. I've been in a relationship with my boyfriend for approximately 6 months now. We never had big fights and used to get along very well. He never gave me a reason to distrust him or his commitment to the relationship. On the contrary, he's a very affectionate and loving person who proved many times that he cares for me deeply. He always makes time for me, plans visiting, wants me to meet his family etc.  However, the one who has some trust-issues is me, mostly because of past-experiences.

From time to time I used to feel insecure about a girl he used to talk (we're both studying our masters' degree and he used to talk to another colleague before we started talking, although it was nothing serious between them.) The point is, I found myself in the position of comparing myself to this other girl as I perceived her as better than me ( in my flawed perception), and I tended to bring this irrational jealousy episode several times in the past but stopped after me and boyfriend met each other in real life and spend quality time together.

Lately, it's been a stressful period for both of us for many reasons since we have exams and some other external factors that contributed to the tense atmosphere .The main thing is that even if I thought I got over this episode concerning the other girl, I brought it up once more a few nights ago and since then, the amount of guilt I feel numbed me. I know it's not healthy at all, I know he doesn't deserve it and that I should do something about it ASAP. Now, my biggest fear is that I pushed him away and won't ever go back to what we had before, namely a balanced relationship (apart from the episodes caused by my insecurities.) 

I know for a fact that I need to get in control of my emotions and to learn how to regulate them. Because of this fear of losing him or thinking that I caused fatal damage to our relationship, I couldn't sleep well during the last few nights, despite his attempts of soothing me and telling me that everything is okay.

I really cannot afford therapy at the moment, but some advice from you would be more than welcome. I really want to mend my relationship and allow ourselves to grow without this sickness of jealousy. Do you believe it can be mended or is it broken for good? 

Edited by Nagisa
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Read some articles and books on getting rid of emotional baggage. You are self sabotaging. The only control you have is to have a wait and see attitude regarding if a guy is a good match for you in every way and is faithful. Only time will tell.

In the meantime, have a fulfilling life BESIDES having a boyfriend. In that way, you will know you will be okay whether or not the relationship works out.

You also need to learn that when you have an argument and come to a consensus, that argument should never be brought up again. Dredging up the past is the best way to bring an end to your present relationship.

Work on boosting your self esteem. Confidence is the biggest attractor to another. You need to feel like a treasure and that anybody would be lucky to call you their girlfriend. That kind of person is a lot more pleasant and fun to be with than some wilting violet, shaking in fear like a pile of gelatin. Yes, you can improve and you have to or you'll lose any decent man with your unwarranted jealousy.

Edited by Andrina
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9 minutes ago, Andrina said:

Read some articles and books on getting rid of emotional baggage. You are self sabotaging. The only control you have is to have a wait and see attitude regarding if a guy is a good match for you in every way and is faithful. Only time will tell.

In the meantime, have a fulfilling life BESIDES having a boyfriend. In that way, you will know you will be okay whether or not the relationship works out.

You also need to learn that when you have an argument and come to a consensus, that argument should never be brought up again. Dredging up the past is the best way to bring an end to your present relationship.

Work on boosting your self esteem. Confidence is the biggest attractor to another. You need to feel like a treasure and that anybody would be lucky to call you their girlfriend. That kind of person is a lot more pleasant and fun to be with than some wilting violet, shaking in fear like a pile of gelatin. Yes, you can improve and you have to or you'll lose any decent man with your unwarranted jealousy.

Thank you for the answer! In what concerns my current partner, is there something I could immediately do in order to mend/repair the damage caused? Apart from not bringing up into discussion that matter again. All I want is to have a healthy relationship with THIS partner. I really don't want to lose him because of my stupidity. 😞 I will take into consideration all that you said as I've never been more determined to work on these issues. 

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Just now, MissCanuck said:

What damage have you caused, exactly?

I caused him hurt by distrusting him and by accusing him without any reasons whatsoever. I guess it doesn't matter the manner in which I brought the issue up, I didn't have an angry reaction or something similar when I asked him about this other girl, but still, I know in a way I really disappointed him. He did many things for my sake, he supported me through difficult times and this is my response - getting insecure without reason because of a certain girl he used to talk in the past. 

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Just now, Nagisa said:

I caused him hurt by distrusting him and by accusing him without any reasons whatsoever. I guess it doesn't matter the manner in which I brought the issue up, I didn't have an angry reaction or something similar when I asked him about this other girl, but still, I know in a way I really disappointed him. He did many things for my sake, he supported me through difficult times and this is my response - getting insecure without reason because of a certain girl he used to talk in the past. 

I feel embarrassed and guilty and I cannot forgive myself for it. I feel like I destroyed a good thing. I try to keep my insecurities in control and didn't bother him anymore, but it happened again and I feel like I utterly failed and feeling of inadequacy crept in. I feel like I'm not good enough for him, as he is a secure person, a healthier one and has many positive attributes. 

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If you have known trust issues you should read up on how to heal and resolve these feelings and stay single until you do.  

When we have are own unresolved issues that carry over into our personal relationships, we are passing our problems to our loved ones. You have the potential make this guy a nervous wreck, jumping through hoops to prove himself to you.  He should not have to do this.  

This is unfair of you.  And just because you feel bad or see that this could ruin the relationship doesn't excuse the fact, that you are in charge of your own actions.  

Edited by Lambert
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34 minutes ago, Nagisa said:

Yes. We met two times by now. 

Sorry this is happening. Unfortunately LDRs are frustrating, difficult, full of headaches and usually end with heartaches....that seems to be what's happening and where you are headed.

My advice about this situation remains the same:

 

Edited by Wiseman2
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40 minutes ago, Nagisa said:

From time to time I used to feel insecure about a girl he used to talk (we're both studying our masters' degree and he used to talk to another colleague before we started talking, although it was nothing serious between them.)

How did you find out about this girl, and what do you know about her?

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1 minute ago, Lambert said:

If you have known trust issues you should read up on how to heal and resolve these feelings and stay single until you do.  

When we have are own unresolved issues that carry over into our personal relationships, we are passing our problems to our loved ones. You have the potential make this guy a nervous wreck, jumping through hoops to prove himself to you.  He should not have to do this.  

This is unfair of you.  And just because you feel bad or see that this could ruin the relationship doesn't excuse the fact, that you are in charge of your own actions.  

Yep. I agree with what you said. One thing should be considered,though. Most of the times you cannot see or face your real issues when you're single, because they are not triggered. When you have contact with people and engage in romantic relationships, there is when the mirror is hold in front of you showing your things you have to improve. I guess my main problem is that I have to consciously have to make the decision to trust the person I am with, despite of my fears of what may happen in the future. Now, having said this, what can I do know for his sake? I don't want a breakup and I for the time being he doesn't want one either. I just want to repair it. To mend it. 

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3 minutes ago, Jibralta said:

How did you find out about this girl, and what do you know about her?

I noticed there's something between them as we had online classes and they used to laugh at the same time and look at each other. It was pretty obvious. Later on, on one occasion, I asked him about it and he confirmed to me that they used to talk and that this girl used many sexual innuendos in their conversations. He told me that they used to flirt, but that nothing serious was happening as she was not only inconsistent in her texting, but also conveyed to him that she's only interested in sex. 

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1 minute ago, Nagisa said:

Yep. I agree with what you said. One thing should be considered,though. Most of the times you cannot see or face your real issues when you're single, because they are not triggered. When you have contact with people and engage in romantic relationships, there is when the mirror is hold in front of you showing your things you have to improve. I guess my main problem is that I have to consciously have to make the decision to trust the person I am with, despite of my fears of what may happen in the future. Now, having said this, what can I do know for his sake? I don't want a breakup and I for the time being he doesn't want one either. I just want to repair it. To mend it. 

I completely disagree about the part about having to be triggered by another person in order to heal. This is an excuse you are telling yourself to justify your poor behavior.  

You are triggering yourself because you are not healed.  He is and has done NOTHING wrong.

You can practice self control.  You can start to recognize when you have these feelings and the start managing them in a way that is healthy and allows you to release them without impacting your boyfriend.  You can journal.  You can talk to a friend.  You can exercise.  You can feel how you feel and sit with those feelings, not taking anything out on him until you are ready to release them.

Take accountability for your feelings and your actions.  Don't make this his problem.  

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1 minute ago, Lambert said:

I completely disagree about the part about having to be triggered by another person in order to heal. This is an excuse you are telling yourself to justify your poor behavior.  

You are triggering yourself because you are not healed.  He is and has done NOTHING wrong.

You can practice self control.  You can start to recognize when you have these feelings and the start managing them in a way that is healthy and allows you to release them without impacting your boyfriend.  You can journal.  You can talk to a friend.  You can exercise.  You can feel how you feel and sit with those feelings, not taking anything out on him until you are ready to release them.

Take accountability for your feelings and your actions.  Don't make this his problem.  

You are right. Thank you for your thoughts and advice! 

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1 hour ago, Nagisa said:

Because of this fear of losing him or thinking that I caused fatal damage to our relationship, I couldn't sleep well during the last few nights, despite his attempts of soothing me and telling me that everything is okay.

What happened when you brought it up? Was there a fight?

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You can tell him which books you're reading for self improvement and promise your poor behavior won't happen again. And then don't dwell, making it a constant issue. Secrets have a way of coming out without you having to be a spy. Time will reveal all and your only job is to be the best gf you can be, and to stay resilient enough to handle anything that happens. LDRs should have a timeline of moving close to each other within a year or two. If that's not going to happen, why have you decided on the hardest type of relationship there is?

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2 hours ago, Nagisa said:

  However, the one who has some trust-issues is me, mostly because of past-experiences.

From time to time I used to feel insecure about a girl he used to talk (we're both studying our masters' degree and he used to talk to another colleague before we started talking, although it was nothing serious between them.) The point is, I found myself in the position of comparing myself to this other girl as I perceived her as better than me

You past experiences?  ( do you feel you can handle being involved at this time?)

What you need to realize is what you said here... All he did was 'talk' with her.  BUT, was nothing serious.

Try to not compare yourself to anyone.  He is with you, he is focused on YOU . 🙂 

Not sure really, what anyone can do or suggest?  it is you who's in this spot.  And you are aware of what's wrong or right when involved.

Involved 6 months and only seen him twice?  That is challenging.  Can you handle this, ongoing?  or is it going to change anytime soon?

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3 hours ago, Jibralta said:

What happened when you brought it up? Was there a fight?

He got a bit defensive and he told me that if we were to go back to face-to-face classes in autumn, I would most probably be constantly stressed about this girl as we would see her on a regular basis. And yep, he is right to things so as I gave him the reasons to. 

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What makes you think you destroyed things? It doesn't sound like it to me.

9 minutes ago, Nagisa said:

He got a bit defensive and he told me that if we were to go back to face-to-face classes in autumn, I would most probably be constantly stressed about this girl as we would see her on a regular basis.

Is this all he said?

Did he happen to say that you have nothing to worry about?

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Just now, Jibralta said:

What makes you think you destroyed things? It doesn't sound like it to me.

Is this all he said?

Did he happen to say that you have nothing to worry about?

After we calmed down and I explained to him the reasons behind me saying those things and after I apologized, he told me that things are fine between us and that I should rest assured that his affection towards me hasn't been altered. But deep down, I know he's scared that I may bring up this sort of issue again and he let me know that he really doesn't know what else he can do to help me apart from what he's been doing until now. 

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3 minutes ago, Nagisa said:

After we calmed down and I explained to him the reasons behind me saying those things and after I apologized, he told me that things are fine between us and that I should rest assured that his affection towards me hasn't been altered. But deep down, I know he's scared that I may bring up this sort of issue again and he let me know that he really doesn't know what else he can do to help me apart from what he's been doing until now. 

So, his initial response was to become upset when you questioned him about it, and escalate the situation? It sounds like the two of you had a bit of an argument over it.

Edited by Jibralta
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Just now, Jibralta said:

So, his initial response was to become upset when you questioned him about it, and escalate the situation? It sounds like the two of you had a bit of an argument over it.

Yep. I was mainly calm, but he became defensive because this is not the first time I brought this girl up into conversation and he got fed up with it. He wasn't really aggressive, but he felt accused and indeed, this is what I did. I accused him of talking to her behind my back. 

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4 minutes ago, Jibralta said:

Ok, so that was the second time you brought it up. What was his demeanor the first time?

The first time he was more reassuring and calm. He tried to explain to me the situation with that girl, the nature of their conversations and everything. He was really supporting. And most of the time he acted in a way in which he conveyed trust and safety. What I mean is that it was obvious that he was invested in the relationship. 

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