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I need to let him go

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I have been with my partner for almost 14 years. A little background on us, I was an 18-year-old virgin that had never even been on a date and he was a 27-year-old that had slept around plenty but was ready to try to settle down. When we met, it was like wildfire. We clicked on so many levels. I not only opened up to him emotionally but physically, which I had never done, and he was patient, kind, and opened himself up emotionally, which he had never done. We fell in love so quickly and many had their doubts about it lasting but, despite the odds, we have remained together through blissful times and the hardest times either of us had known. 7 years into our relationship, we had a child, the first for us both, and we were the type that didn't plan on having kids, yet we did and we love our son completely. He is now 41 but he still is physically incredible and people often mistake him for younger than he is. I am now 32 but people often mistake me for older than I am. I did not gain weight immediately after having my son. In fact, I was a size 0-1 my entire life from 13-31. However, I suddenly gained nearly 50 lbs about a year and a half ago. I am actively trying to lose the weight now but I know that he is no longer attracted to me. The times that we have been intimate, he says that he loves me no matter what, but not only are we dealing with a relationship that is 13-years-old, my physical changes after birth, my weight gain, and our change in sexual habits, but our sex life has become something that is so few and far between that it might as well not exist. I feel like that, even though we both will always love another, maybe we are no longer in love. For me, I still desire him and I often find myself reminiscing on the times when he couldn't resist me. For him, I simply don't blame him for not wanting me as much anymore, or for the times when we do sleep together (we are talking maybe once every few months), it has become robotic, like let's get this done, there's no longer anything that is truly and deeply romantic in the sense that "I need you" about it, and I feel as though I am robbing him of the sexuality he deserves and myself included. I am a woman in my early 30's and, despite my unsightly physical appearance, my sex drive feels like it has gone into overdrive compared to what it was in my 20's and, back then with him, I was very active because of our passion. I feel like he deserves to spend his 40's having a wonderful sexual experience and if he is no longer interested in me as intensely, I feel like I need to let him go. Yes, we do love one another and we always will, but it feels more friendly to me now, and I don't think that is fair to either of us. I've begun working out hard every day to eventually get back to the physical appearance that I had always had but even then that doesn't mean that our sex life would return to what it was. He knows my insecurities, or at least he should, because I've expressed them to him several times. I don't think he realizes that simply saying he wants me once in a blue moon is enough to satisfy the changes I am going through hormonally as a woman in my 30's. I go to bed each night wanting, longing, depressed, and nostalgic for the days back when. I feel like I need to let him go but this was my first relationship and I simply don't know how to tell him that I think we should go our separate ways romantically and sexually. How do I explain this to him? I don't want to have another conversation where he thinks a quick lay will solve everything and I get that my giving in was my fault in the past for allowing him to think that was the solution. How do I do this? We both deserve to live our 30's and 40's sexually and emotionally satisfied. How do I break this to him and then deal after?

Edited by RJK
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It’s not clear what you want, exactly.

On one hand, it sounds as though you’re trying to pull yourself out of a funk and reignite desire in him for you.

But on the other hand, it sounds like you want to end the relationship. 

What is your ideal outcome here?

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Sorry this is happening. See a physician, not only about a complete physical evaluation for weight gain and overall health but also to evaluate depressive symptoms.

This isn't a relationship problem. It's a physical and mental health problem affecting your relationship.

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Honestly, OP- your husband sounds really shallow to me.   I'm not exactly sure TBH why you are defending him so much.  Most women gain weight after childbirth or their figures are never the same again.  Even without childbirth, our bodies change with age.  

If everything you are saying is accurate, WHY would he go from being SUPER into you to not at all interested in you sexually just from gaining weight?  Unless he's really really shallow or perhaps wasn't as madly in love with you as you thought.   IMVHO, everyone feels that spark right away.  Real love is tested in moments like these, when you aren't at your "best", when everything has gotten familiar, when nothing is "new" anymore.  

My husband and I have been together a long time now, we've both gained weight, but we are still as attracted to each other as ever and want each other as much. Because we still deeply love and want each other, our bodies don't matter. 

I say it often because it's a truth a lot of people don't want to consider, much less accept.  Lots of marriages are tested when children get involved.   You say you didn't plan on being parents.  Even though I'm sure your husband loves your son, perhaps this is impacting your marriage more than you think.  It's not uncommon (weight gain or not) for men to look at their wives differently post-baby.   To not view you as sexual anymore.  Some men can really struggle with this.  Is it possible your husband could be having an affair?  I'm sorry to say this can also be very common after having a child, especially an unplanned one.  Men can often feel jealous of the attention that gets lavished on the child OR start looking for a new conquest to feel "validated" again.   Maybe this is the case, maybe it isn't-  but the point I want you to consider is perhaps NOT putting these problems down to simple weight gain.  There could be much more at play under the surface than this.  OR your husband is just very shallow, but either way, this isn't good and if you want to stay married, you have some work to do.

Please please stop blaming everything on weight gain or time.  Those are easy and convenient excuses not to look further.  I get it, it's more comfortable to assume it's a surface level thing cause confronting other things are scary.  And if it's a surface level thing, we can view that as easily "fixable", when whatever is really at play may not be.  

I'm unsure what you want.  Do you want to stay married or get a divorce?   

If you want to stay married, you are going to have to get uncomfortable and really figure out what's wrong.   You may get some answers you don't like.  But whatever you do, PLEASE do NOT think you deserve to be treated this way because you put on weight.  Cause honestly, if that's the only reason for your husband to be distant and non-sexual with you, that's pretty scummy. 

It's not "normal" for your husband to not want to have sex with you.   I understand people can get complacent, but if you desire an active romantic marriage, then you already know things have to change.   Nothing will change by ignoring it.  Taking all the "blame" is harmful to you.  Please stop doing that.   

Not every relationship is meant to last "forever"- it's a ridiculous standard our society still has.  That if you don't last forever, it's a "failure".  IMVHO, that's a childish attitude.  Sometimes we have the relationship that we need at the time and if it no longer serves the two people involved, it's ok to end it.  You don't have to hate each other.  You can look at it and say " It worked for us for a while, but it doesn't work now and isn't serving either of us positively anymore and it should end." AND THAT'S OKAY.  And IMO, MUCH healthier than trying to "force" something that you both know isn't working or making either of you happy. 

Have a conversation with your husband.  Talk about what has been going on.  Talk about your feelings- do NOT assume you know what he is feeling or why.  Just hear him out.  Do NOT just blame yourself. Then talk about what you want going forwards and find out if you're on the same page and if he's willing to put in the work. (Cause this cannot just be " You need to lose weight". ) If you are- GREAT.  If you aren't, then you need to think about if you want to continue to live this way or if you do not see it continuing long term.  Whatever you decide, do NOT use your child as the sole reason to stay if the marriage will not make either of you happy.   I believe it's entirely possible to be fantastic co-parents without being married to each other. 




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20 minutes ago, redswim30 said:

If everything you are saying is accurate, WHY would he go from being SUPER into you to not at all interested in you sexually just from gaining weight?  Unless he's really really shallow or perhaps wasn't as madly in love with you as you thought. 

Men are visual creatures, it's pure biology, it has nothing to do with shallowness. 

OP, are you sure that your weight gain is the crux of the issue? 

And I do agree, there is no "forever" thing. If you are not satisfied just end the relationship. 

Edited by dias
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I would see a doctor if you haven't already.  Have the doctor check your thyroid.  I say this because you said you "suddenly" gained 50 pounds.  If you hadn't started binge eating or changed your diet to fatty, fried and sugary foods (and an excess of them), you could have an underlying health condition.

That being said, how would you feel if you did become thin again and he suddenly wanted sex?  Would you feel like he only "loves" you for your body?

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  • 2 weeks later...

Two things.  First, for you to gain 50 lbs in a year and a half, you would need to be eating at least 2800/3000 calories a day without any exercise.  Is it COVID weight plenty of America gained?  If no eating habits changed, I'd get your bloodwork done to check for thyroid issues.  I've lost 44 lbs on Noom so far!

Second, you can lose 200 lbs fast by dropping your tool of a partner.  I'm sorry, but weight gain is only a excuse for SHALLOW As$hats.  It could be cuz he's 41, and has ED (Erectile Dysfunction) and doesn't want to admit it, but he's still a loser for blaming weight gain on you.  My hubs and I have known eachother since 16, and I put on 50 lbs with my 1st kid, and so has my hubs, and I can't get him to keep his mitts off me.  I would be proud of who you are, and tell him his excuses are LAME.  You have given him your best years, and a son, and he better recognize!  I'm guessing he's also never put a ring on it?  I think you need to focus on you - get back in shape - NOT FOR HIM - for you, because you will be healthier and stronger for it.

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