GF broke up with me and I have hope that we can get back together

[Jalaj]

First of all its a long story and English is not my first language so sorry for any mistakes and please help me I am really confused and any advice would be appreciated.

We were in a 2 year relationship and everything was going well before the covid lockdown. We used to fight and get into arguments but we never went to sleep without sorting it out. But we loved each other so much. We both had some bad habits like I was short-tempered and sometimes said hurtful things to her and she never shared her feelings or the things which were bothering her with me much, I had to ask her several times to know what has happened. Fast forward we had a fight in January 2021 because we were feeling some sort of distance between us, which turned into a fight lasted for about a week. We sort it out and after that fight we started having many little arguments in a month, like 2-3 arguments/ small fights in a month because she used to watch Netflix all day and never had time to talk (we talked for about 1 hour in a day roughly).

Now on 19 May 2021 we had a small fight and she told me that my words hurt her sometimes and that she feels like I don't value her. I told her that if she wants then she can take a break to which she said NO, then the next day (20 May) she said that she wants to breakup. I tried to convince her and after 3 days (23 May) I finally somehow managed to convince her and then we talked for a week like normal friends and then after a week on May 30 she finally broke-up, she told me that she has lost feelings for me since April end.

She wants us to remain friends as she says that I was one of her best friends and she don't want to be in a relationship with me. But I can't remain her friend as I still have strong feelings for her. I want her to give our relationship another chance and I know that if we both put efforts together then we can make this work but she is not willing to do so.

Reasons I think she broke-up: First two are the main reason the others are just what I think might be the reasons.

• I am short tempered and sometimes I say things which hurt her but I don't do it on purpose or intentionally.
• There was a communication gap between us and mainly it was because of her habit of not sharing anything with anyone.
• I was getting a little bit jealous and insecure after our fight in January.
• Due to covid lockdown we were not able to spend time together, our only way of communication was texting. I think this can be a reason she lost interest in the relationship as it might be getting boring for her.

I have fixed my attitude and my anger but how can I show her that I really have changed?

Few points that are bugging me,

• First she was not ready to breakup, but then the next day she told me that she wants to breakup.
• When we talked about it she was furious with me and was telling me my mistakes but the next day when she broke-up, she took all the blame on herself that it's her who is at fault not me.
• While breaking up she told me that she lost feelings in April but after some days when I tried to talk to her she said that she didn't loved me and that she had lost feelings since January.

I feel like she is hiding the real reasons and just trying to make up reasons to breakup. She has changed drastically in the last few days.

I really love her and want us to be together and I know that if we both put a little more efforts then we can make this work. But I am confused whether I should talk to her after a few days [approx a month after our breakup](I will be meeting her with her sisters and friends) or after some months of no-contact.

I am thinking that I should talk to her and first know the real reason of the breakup and what was bothering her for the last 5 months in which she lost feelings, maybe after that we can somehow make some changes and be back together.

I just have a few questions:

What should I do?? Should I move on or hope that by talking to her about all this we can get back together?? Or should I go no-contact for some months and then try again?

Or should I give her some space and time to figure things on her own and until then I go no-contact??

Once the feelings are gone then can we do something about it... Like if feelings once lost can they come back too??

[Wiseman2]

21 minutes ago, Jalaj said:

I am short tempered and sometimes I say things which hurt her but I don't do it on purpose or intentionally.

There was a communication gap between us and mainly it was because of her habit of not sharing anything with anyone.

Sorry this happened. Reflect on your anger and abuse, it is intentional and that is precisely why she can not 'share anything' you.

Take care of that and other controlling behaviors. Not to reconcile but to feel better about yourself.

[Jalaj]

11 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened. Reflect on your anger and abuse, it is intentional and that is precisely why she can not 'share anything' you.

Take care of that and other controlling behaviors. Not to reconcile but to feel better about yourself.

What should I do after I have controlled my anger issues. Now I don't get irritated and get angry at little things and have started doing meditation. My question is that after doing this should I try to talk to my ex about getting back together??

 

I really love her and I am willing to change myself. But as she says that she has lost feelings, will the feelings come back?? Or should I just forget about her and try to move on??

[Tonight.majestic]

Anger can be a form of abuse. 

[Tonight.majestic]

How will you change? Old habits die hard. And even if you did change, if the damage is too much for her, then that's that. 

[Jalaj]

8 minutes ago, Tonight.majestic said:

How will you change? Old habits die hard. And even if you did change, if the damage is too much for her, then that's that. 

So you are trying to say that there is no hope left and I should just forget about her and move on?

[Tonight.majestic]

I'm saying that it's possible the damage has already been done. Sometimes, even when a partner does make changes, it's too late. The hurt is too great. 

Only time will tell. 

[MissCanuck]

8 hours ago, Jalaj said:

But as she says that she has lost feelings, will the feelings come back??

Probably not, no. 

Once that happens, it's the end. This relationship had been dying a slow death for a while and she finally closed the door. Just as you can't help but want to continue the relationship, she can't help but not want to. 

We can't really speak for her, but you need to get contol over your anger. It doesn't matter if it was intentional or not - the end result is the same for your partner. It's still toxic and hurtful, and will damage a relaitonship to the point that it cannot be repaired. 

So whatever you do, address those issues now (with yourself) or you will bring them into your next relationship too. 

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, Jalaj said:

So you are trying to say that there is no hope left and I should just forget about her and move on?

You have to get help for the abuse and issues. No one has to be your whipping post.

[Kwothe28]

15 hours ago, Jalaj said:

• When we talked about it she was furious with me and was telling me my mistakes but the next day when she broke-up, she took all the blame on herself that it's her who is at fault not me.

You fell for a classic "Its not you, its me" speech? Yeah, its almost always you. People just say its them to make it easier for another person who they are breaking up with. Make no mistake, in this case, its you. She was furious with you and broke up. 

Anyway, that one is lost. She lost her feelings a long time ago, she just waited to break up peacefully probably because of your anger issues. Loss of feelings, "its not you its me" speech, heck even "I want to stay friends afterward" just suggests that she wanted that long time ago. And this all is just to soften up the blow. Forget about her, heck, I would even suggest no contact at all until you do. Move on with your life, work on yourself especially with anger. You wont get anywhere with her(or any other girl) until you do that. Who knows what the future holds, but for now, you need to forget about this one. She is long gone.

[Andrina]

16 hours ago, Jalaj said:

I have fixed my attitude and my anger but how can I show her that I really have changed?

 

So two weeks without her, how have you tested your ability to not say hurtful things to a partner and be short tempered when you don't even have a partner? If she were my friend, I'd tell her she did the right thing and to tear her rear mirror off and never look back.

If you want a healthy relationship in the future, you will have to take an anger management class. Look up local classes on the internet.

[AlexIsok12]

On 6/12/2021 at 11:06 PM, Jalaj said:

So you are trying to say that there is no hope left and I should just forget about her and move on?

I think your not looking at the bigger picture here. It's helping yourself, not her. Fix you and MAYBE she will come back, if she doesn't, learn from this in your next relationship.