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I don't know why, but he won't accept apology and he won't let it go.


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Just over 40 years of marriage.  We were going to pick up my new car, both of us were excited.  Until we hit the traffic slowdown that lasted over 10 miles.  I was driving, husband was in the passenger seat trying to control how I was driving (speed up, you're too close, go around this guy) along with various gripes/comments about how late we were because of traffic, general comments about traffic and how slow everyone was going, finally to the point of telling me to drive on the berm around the semi that was slowing traffic to get around him.  All the time I was saying nothing.  Then the low fuel gauge came on and that started a whole different set of comments.  When we stopped  to get a couple of gallons of gas, I asked if he wanted to drive, or if he was going to let me drive my way. When we got to the dealership, I guess I lost it.  I vented to the sales lady with comments about the drive.  Comments to him that he said were totally berating and humiliated him in public to someone we didn't know.  And looking back, he's right.  He said this happened once before (I don't remember), but last night I just wouldn't drop it, just kept going and going and going. The 40 miles home was a silent ride with him getting out of the car before it came to a full stop.  And still today, I'm getting the silent treatment and I think it may be deserved. When I finally asked, he said because if he said *anything*, he would probably regret it later.  And that I didn't know know how close he was to throwing my stuff on the front yard and telling me to  f-off.  For good. He said if that happened, he didn't care what would happen to me or the fact that I wouldn't have any way to support myself. That I don't contribute anything to the marriage, and the business I think I have is just a hobby in his eyes.  I love him.  He is the only man I have really loved and been with.  I can't lose him, but at this point he won't forget or forgive me.

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38 minutes ago, Neafus said:

And that I didn't know know how close he was to throwing my stuff on the front yard and telling me to  f-off.  

Why do you tolerate this abuse? After 40 yrs of this this bickering and nonsense power struggling must seem routine, no?

Stop talking at him. Just get away and talk to trusted friends and family (not your kids or random strangers). Let him sulk and stop running after him for apologies for his abusiveness.

It would be a good idea to read up on abusive relationships so you know how to manage better.

Stop debating, bickering, escalating, etc.

Privately make and appt with a therapist (Do Not tell him), so you better understand what's really going on here and how to manage better.

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Wiseman2, I'm thinking of finding someone to talk to, a therapist or just a very big shoulder.  Doing an internet search as part of it (has to be low cost, no insurance so he won't find out).  The thing is, this is something new, something I've never seen in him before.  Oh, he's been pissed, but never to this point of being visibly pissed and giving me the silent treatment.  I think there is more going on--he is scheduled to retire in about 3 weeks, and was going to start working with me in my business. Working with me would mean giving up a lot of control to me, not being able to do things his way, which sometimes means cutting corners and going a little renegade but getting the job done in with awesome results. And the fact is we have different work styles and personalities:  he is "A" type, touch-things-once versus mine is a more easy going, build a relationship first style. So the comment that he thought my business is only a hobby, really hurt. 

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11 minutes ago, Neafus said:

he is scheduled to retire in about 3 weeks, and was going to start working with me in my business. 

Don't do this. It sounds like a nightmare.

Tell him to get a side hustle that is his own and gets him out of the house and with others/peers.

People significantly deteriorate once they retire and have no social life or mental stimulation. 

Working with you/for you is a recipe for disaster.

Tell him your friend, family member, whatever is going to help you and perhaps extra outside income would be a great idea.

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Could be he doesn't really want to retire.  I think you two working together would be a disaster the first week.  He'd be further ahead at Walmart or McDonalds, part time, low stress.  A guy like him would drive me nuts.

There's something other than your driving skills at the root of his anger.  Do go see a therapist, however you can manage it.  Dont let him bully you.

 

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1 hour ago, Neafus said:

 I'm thinking of finding someone to talk to, a therapist or just a very big shoulder.  has to be low cost, no insurance so he won't find out.

Go to your doctor for a "checkup", ask for a referral.

Tell him the therapist it's for 'female problems, menopause', whatever, that way he won't ask more about it.

Do not do internet searches or look for 'big shoulders'. Get professional help.

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A big thank you to all who have posted so far.  It's been soooooooo helpful.  And while reading over the posts just now, a lightbulb went off.  A BIG LIGHTBULB.  I know he is worried about what is going to happen, even though he says we're going to be OK, it's a concern.  As far as my business, it's still growing, and isn't the type where I have income every day.  I don't think he realized that before. Yes, I pushed him out of the control of the deal, and I've never done that. I think me basically taking control took him by surprise. Yes, I did take some pretty serious digs at him in the process, and I've never done that before.  But this outburst may be him venting in a major way, and my driving/"embarrassment" may have simply been the proverbial straw that broke the camel's (his) back.  Because he is the type to be very private, even with me.  And always wanting to be in control, or at least be able to claim control.  Again, WOW.  I have a lot to journal about.  But this isn't over by any means.  I still need to get my head in a good place.

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A journal may help since you are against professional advice. 

Yes you are in a power struggle. And power struggles are about egos.

You are over enmeshed. You are in each other's face way too much.

The absolute worst thing to do is dabbing in your business together.

Let him take up golf. Stop telling each other how to run each other's lives.

This goes for backseat driving to this horrible idea of your at home business to bickering and being in a tug of war about everything.

At your ages, focus on healthy things, not things that create strife and discord.

You need to each see your own physicians and have frank discussions about health and wellness.

Stop making excuses about  "I need to hide going to doctors from him so I have to pay out of pocket" . That's BS and you know it.

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