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This has got me really upset... please help me out


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Hi there,

Apologies in advance if my words seem a bit jumbled - it is my first time posting a question on any site, let alone Reddit, but I come to you in a bit of a confused mind state.

Back in December 2020, I met a guy from Canada on an online game (I'm from the UK), one thing led to another and we added each other on Discord and sometimes chats became weekly chats, which soon became daily phone calls and ultimately, yet not surprisingly, the feelings really flourished.

To try to describe the situation in few words, 6 months later and I feel as if this person knows me better than most in my own life - he has been there for me through many challenging situations that I've had to deal with this year, and I'm sure I've served as a pillar for him in the same way. We talk nearly everyday for hours, so as you can imagine, the feelings are deep and the feelings are real. In January, he even sent me a sort of 'care package' with items for me to enjoy.

Now here comes the kicker - he is an open relationship right now with his girlfriend, and I would be lying if I said that this doesn't bother me. I know the rational part of my mind says that well, you haven't even met him (we were planning on meeting in Feb, but COVID messed things up), so why should you care? But the thing is, we have love for each other, we have stated this love for each other multiple times (I love you's etc), we have talked about possible future scenarios etc, so this does hurt me - I would be lying if I said it didn't. He's been with the girl for over 8 years now, and he tells me that it isn't a conventional girlfriend/boyfriend relationship at this point, which I believe, and that they often talk about if they should even be together anymore.

Am I being ridiculous? Am I putting too much pressure on it already? I am 26 and I am looking for partnership at this point in my life. I just need an outsider perspective, any deep interpretations or opinions would be of help. Thanks.

Edited by smallhourseeker
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  • smallhourseeker changed the title to This has got me really upset... please help me out

If you're looking for a long term healthy relationship, the interaction with this stranger -yes, especially for romantic purposes he is a complete stranger - is wasting your time in reaching your goal and potentially sabotaging your goal as you tell yourself lies about how this fantasy in your head is any type of reality when it comes to a romantic relationship.  Are you sure you really want a long term committed relationship?  Because your actions in interacting with this person are inconsistent with what you say you want.  

You can be friends with someone on line -but actually not with him unless his "girlfriend" (wife? male partner? sex partner? mother of his children - who knows -you don't know either) - also wants to be platonic friends with you.  I have several online platonic friends -for years now - but that's different from thinking it's a romantic connection.  You feel what you feel but your feelings are based on a fantasy.  

Loving is giving -the important part of love -much more than a feeling.  He gives you words and promises and a care package.  Are you sure he is a he? And that he is the one chatting to you at all times? What kind of background checks have you done? Anyone can say what he says, and in real life people can claim to be in an "open" relationship as a convenient way to hook up outside of their marriage or relationship.

No deep interpretations are needed.  This is a stranger you chat with online and who you have feelings for based on what he has typed to you. This is also a potentially dangerous situation emotionally and physically - if it's true he has a girlfriend -she now knows how to contact you.  She probably has your address since her boyfriend -if this is true -sent you a package.  You never know what chaos she can create in your life or who she know in your city who can do so.  Find people to date in real life.  Long term healthy relationships are so worth the work.  Right now you're wasting time.   

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22 minutes ago, smallhourseeker said:

Am I being ridiculous?

As somebody who has been in a similar situation(I even wanted to move to her country if it all goes well after we saw each other), yes, you are kinda ridiculous. Its nice to have somebody to talk, feel, share dreams, even express love freely. But its not real. You maybe see each other over the phone, but you live across the ocean and never saw each other. You need to spend the real time together, maybe even live together for a while before you get to know that person enough. Phone calls, even if they are sweet and full of love, sorry, that is not real. If you cant commit to that, then you are wasting your time. Also, the girlfriend. Why doesnt he break up if they are not conventional? If he really loves you surely it wouldnt be an issue to break up? See how its not real when you translate it to real world?

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Yes, you have become drawn into this 'fantasy world' with some guy across the ocean, you really don't know at all.

you are now emotionally invested. even with being aware of his life, you continued.

If they've been together that long, they have been through a lot and he would NOT be able to give much to you (emotionally/mentally). With long term relationships, when/if a couple splits up- they BOTH need time to work through them emotions and all that's up there in their head - that take a good while to accept, heal & move on.. in a healthy manner.

Never get involved with people like this.

Are they still together?  Sounds like it.

1)  he is not single

2) he's been emotionally cheating on her 😕 

3) he is across the ocean.

 

You really should aim for someone much closer to you.  And someone who's not already involved.

Sadly, it's a mess.  it's not right.

Is best to just back off.  Stop interacting with him all of the time. - Get back to reality here.

Sorry, if you're being hurt here.. but was also wrong of him to act out this way with you.

Focus on YOU now.. Take care of you there.. and get your own life in gear . 😉 

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2 hours ago, smallhourseeker said:

Am I being ridiculous?

Maybe ridiculous is a strong word. 

But are you being realistic? No, not really. You don't know this man on a deep level. You don't know how much of what he tells you about his relationship is true. All you really know is what he tells you, and it would be incredibly easy for him to fudge the truth here. 

If you're hoping to meet the man you will spend your life with, you need to keep moving. The likelihood of this working out the way you dream of is incredibly low. 

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Totally agree with Miss Canuck.  You haven't met him!  You dont know that he isn't lying to you about any or all of what he's told you.  All you know is what he said.  He could actually be married!  He could be a she!  You dont know!

If you want a life time partner, find someone near you who you can see and talk to and hang out with!  It's not this guy.  

 

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3 hours ago, smallhourseeker said:

it is my first time posting a question on any site, let alone Reddit.

This isn't Reddit.

Figure out why you allowed yourself to get wrapped up in this cyber nightmare. 

Why can't you date local single men?

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It’s so easy to get caught up in the emotional charged infatuation. It’s 10% reality and 90% fantasy. It’s very addictive. What you miss in the physical is filled in with your imagination. As for this guy...you don’t know him. He could be married with kids for all you know. he’s most likely been pumping you lies all this time. I’m trying to get you back down to reality here. I know you are in a tug o war here. You like the high you get from this, but you are starting t to come down and it’s not feeling right. That feeling of helplessness because you may never meet him, he may reject you and this will have to end.

what to do? Wean yourself off of this. Get back to life. Sort yourself out.

 

Edited by smackie9
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If you don’t want an open relationship, then you and this man (who both does and is in one right now) are fundamentally incompatible. 
 

This is moot because you two
are incompatible but if you seriously wanted to progress a long distance relationship then some kind of plan to close the distance is required.

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