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I feel as though I'm the lowest priority in my relationship


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I love my partner dearly but I feel as though I have no priority in our relationship what so ever. I work hard to earn as much as I can to support the family, She is a stay at home mom which I know is a full time job in itself and I understand the struggles that come with it. I just feel like there is know time made for our relationship when I do so much to make her life as easy as possible by working to financially support us, doing all the cooking at home, keeping the house clean and looking after the kids whenever I'm not working. I have absolutely no time for myself which is hard enough in itself, and I get jealous when she is going out with friends and hanging out in the day when the kids are at school and I'm at work. On top of it all, our sex life is almost nonexistent which brings me down when I try and make an effort and get pushed away. I have tried talking to her about this, but everytime I do it seems like I'm in the wrong and am just made to feel worse. I really don't have any friends and have no one else to talk to about this so have resorted to this after scrolling for advice on the Internet. 

(sorry for any bad grammar or spelling) 

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31 minutes ago, Monolithic said:

I have tried talking to her about this, but everytime I do it seems like I'm in the wrong and am just made to feel worse.

How does she make you in the wrong?  What does she say?

I'm so sorry Mono... it doesn't sound like she's depressed so there's something else going on with her, but that's not normal or good.

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1 hour ago, Monolithic said:

She is a stay at home mom which I know is a full time job in itself.  I get jealous when she is going out with friends and hanging out in the day when the kids are at school and I'm at work. our sex life is almost nonexistent

Sorry this is happening. How long have you been together and how old are the kids?

How long has she shut down intimacy/sex and why? 

Do you two ever go on dates, get sitters and leave the kids with extended family so you can get romantic and act like a couple?

Talking at her is not helping, especially the sex situation. What exactly does she do all day?

 

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What I found crucial to my being at home full time for 7 years (until my son was 7, he's 12) - a huge role change for me -I'd worked at an intense career for 15 years prior to that, we were newlyweds and I hadn't been unemployed in close to 20 years - and we relocated to another city -was trying to keep communication going - because you can think you have the basics down but then there's a curveball (our son is 12 so he's not a baby but covid sure was a curveball) - we had curveballs like my in-laws being ill in another city, etc.  My husband's older cousin told me early on (she was home with her 3 kids for many years) that it's crucial not to let resentment grow if you feel you're doing too much.  

You're doing your part totally -IMO - but with resentment.  That can become poisonous to a relationship.  My husband sleeps in every morning and is a night owl -he gets tons of work done at night.  I really resented this  in particular this year because our son was all virtual at school and now I do work part time and was teleworking.  So I was "on duty" for over two hours every morning and had to keep son quiet in our small home. 

  It came to a head for me when I injured my foot because I was running to the other room to keep our son quiet while husband slept.  That was my moment .   I told my husband -I'm not running anymore to do that.  I will do my best which doesn't include risking injury.  And what I do is that after 9am I am off duty -meaning if son is loud, oh well.  I don't do anything loud intentionally but my role in keeping him quiet which is stressful at times is -- finito.  

So deal with any resentment ASAP and in a mature, calm way -and I'd be really basic about it - what can she do differently - on a practical level -that would help you feel like things are more fair.  I'm not into keeping score or 50/50 -each couple decides what is fair. If you're feeling upset/resentful then it's probably not fair and needs recallibrating.  

Good luck! (I also agree she might not be feeling well/depressed).  I'm sorry you're struggling. 

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3 hours ago, Monolithic said:

I do so much to make her life as easy as possible by working to financially support us, doing all the cooking at home, keeping the house clean and looking after the kids whenever I'm not working.

If you are doing all of this - and she is already a 'stay at home mom'... what does she do all day, since you are working?

 

Sounds to me like she is rather selfish.

You two should be trying to arrange an occasional 'date night', just for the two of you... AND yes, you should also be able to have 'a life'!  Why don't you have friends? 😕 

 

your life situation is making you miserable... yah, things need to change AND she should be kicking in more to help - rather than taking off all the time.

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It sounds like you're a doormat and now you're tired of your partner stepping all over you. I don't know if you've ever spoken up about an equitable share of the household duties, but even if you haven't, better now than never. Yes, I wouldn't be in a good mood if I was the only one doing the cooking after I worked all day. My husband and I take turns cooking and sometimes I buy dinner instead, and he does the same. Some couples don't need to have a discussion and things just get done equitably. But some couples need to come up with clearcut schedules, beginning with having a discussion about what each is expected to do.

And life is expensive. Unless you make six figures, is there any reason she can't go back to work during school hours, even if part time, since all your children are in school?

You do need to carve out your own personal time for once or twice a week. That's reasonable and important for your mental health. Look for a hobby/interest where you can meet new guy friends. Especially important that you have friends if your marriage falls apart. One person shouldn't be your everything in life. A well balanced life is optimum.

As for sex, I'd start out with a discussion, asking her if there's anything she'd like improved in the marriage and just listen. You might get important feedback if she hasn't shut down. Regardless, instead of focusing on sex for the moment, work on reestablishing an emotional connection. A fun date night/day at least once every other week. Suggest taking turns giving each other a foot or back rub.  Write a note and tell her the things you appreciate about her. Send her a text when you're at work telling her you miss her. The best way to change someone else's behavior is to change your own. She should respond in kind to your efforts, and if not, I'd suggest marriage counseling. Best to try everything before throwing in the towel since you have kids together. Good luck and let us know how it goes. 

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It sounds like you're being a doormat and she's using you. 

Does she do nice gestures for you? Like pack your lunch? Iron your clothes? Do your laundry? Anything to show she appreciates your efforts? 

Do you think she's fallen out of love with you? 

And lastly, if you're taking care of the household, what the heck does she do all day? I'm sure if she has enough time to hand out with her girlfriends, she's got enough time for a part time job. 

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