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Boyfriend and his female friends


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So my bf (28) and I (28) have been together for 2 years and a bit, he’s been at uni for 4 years. I’m currently working and he’s been studying. Throughout his course he’s made some friends. Recently, I have been feeling really strange about him spending time with them especially because it’s one guy and the majority of the group are girls. He mentions his guy friend by name but the rest of them as ‘they’. Doesn’t really say their names and I feel subconsciously it’s because he knows they’re female and maybe I’d feel weird about him spending his time with a bunch of female course mates. I appreciate he’s known them from the course from before we started dating. 
 

They meet up I’d say every few weeks, recently they did a city trip for which he was away for the entire day and with little contact when he’s with them. I’m certain he’s not cheating etc but it’s making me insecure because when he sees them he’s spending significant time with them for me to not know their names etc. I’m certain if it was the other way around he’d feel weird about it as well. I asked him why he doesn’t speak about them and He said he doesn’t plan on being close to them after uni ends. Today he went for dinner and then they all did board games at the park. That made me feel strangely jealous (sad, I know but I can’t help it). Last time they went canoeing... I appreciate I can’t join them ( I don’t want to anyway) because they’ve known each other from the course and it’ll just be awkward for me to just show up. 

I really want to bring this up and not sound pathetic. Can someone help? 

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Well, it's something that you're concerned about. You won't be able to tell if you're magnifying the issue if you don't ask questions about it. 

Why are you worried about looking insecure in front of your boyfriend of two years? Doesn't he love you, warts and all? Or have you been hiding who you really are, and how you really feel so that he accepts you? That's no way to live.

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I think it can be challenging when one person is a student and one is not especially if he's partaking of the university social life.  Is this a world you were part of at one point -have you been to university? It's possible you're overthinking because you're not on the same wavelength.  I'm sorry you feel stressed.

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5 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I think it can be challenging when one person is a student and one is not especially if he's partaking of the university social life.  Is this a world you were part of at one point -have you been to university? It's possible you're overthinking because you're not on the same wavelength.  I'm sorry you feel stressed.

I appreciate uni social life, we’ve both been to uni once. He’s near the end of graduate school finishing this year. Weirdly, I start uni again this coming September so maybe I’ll realise then? But at the moment I’m just sure if I was on trips and playing board games at a park with a few women but a group that consists of lots nameless guys. He’d feel insecure too. 

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8 minutes ago, Jibralta said:

Well, it's something that you're concerned about. You won't be able to tell if you're magnifying the issue if you don't ask questions about it. 

Why are you worried about looking insecure in front of your boyfriend of two years? Doesn't he love you, warts and all? Or have you been hiding who you really are, and how you really feel so that he accepts you? That's no way to live.

That’s true, I have decided to talk about it but struggling to find a natural way to bring it up and articulate best I can.

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Have you tried writing it down in a letter? You don't have to give it to him, but it may help you get your thoughts together before you talk to him.

I've actually sent letters (or emails) myself, when the topic was awkward for me. 

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1 minute ago, SuperSi said:

I appreciate uni social life, we’ve both been to uni once. He’s near the end of graduate school finishing this year. Weirdly, I start uni again this coming September so maybe I’ll realise then? But at the moment I’m just sure if I was on trips and playing board games at a park with a few women but a group that consists of lots nameless guys. He’d feel insecure too. 

Why? Has he told you he would? I socialize at work with coworkers as does my husband - I don't know all their names and barely know the gender.  Even in an office setting it can be personal.  If I had lunch with a male coworker -which I've done just not at this particular job - I might or might not tell my husband and if I did I'm not sure if I'd mention the name or not -it depends.  We trust each other.  If you trust him there should be no issue.  Is it possible he doesn't know all of their names? Have you ever been invited along?

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I dunno, it sounds you worry over nothing. I had mostly female college group. You get close but that is "friendship close". I even lived with one of them for some time even though she had a boyfriend in same town that lived separately. After college, well, your boyfriend is right, you rarely stay close. We all almost were from different towns, afterward everybody goes separate ways, you dont stay that close, I rarely hear from some of them and we were so tight that one of them told me about sexual experiences with her boyfriend or lack there off because she firmly decided to stay virgin until marriage because of her upbringing. So I think you shouldnt worry over stuff like that because dont really think he looks at them in that way or that they look at him as anymore then a friend. For example we all had SOs. But we mostly hang out separately for coffee or even full parties while your SO is somebody who you see one-on-one and do different stuff. So, his situation kinda reminds me on that. But, if you mind, say something to him. That its kinda ankward for you and see what he says.

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18 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

I dunno, it sounds you worry over nothing. I had mostly female college group. You get close but that is "friendship close". I even lived with one of them for some time even though she had a boyfriend in same town that lived separately. After college, well, your boyfriend is right, you rarely stay close. We all almost were from different towns, afterward everybody goes separate ways, you dont stay that close, I rarely hear from some of them and we were so tight that one of them told me about sexual experiences with her boyfriend or lack there off because she firmly decided to stay virgin until marriage because of her upbringing. So I think you shouldnt worry over stuff like that because dont really think he looks at them in that way or that they look at him as anymore then a friend. For example we all had SOs. But we mostly hang out separately for coffee or even full parties while your SO is somebody who you see one-on-one and do different stuff. So, his situation kinda reminds me on that. But, if you mind, say something to him. That its kinda ankward for you and see what he says.

Well uni finished recently but they’re all doing this placement. Today they had a birthday thing for one of them, think my issue is that he never talks about the girls EVER, he’d mention all his guy mates and that’s what weird. I called him out and he said he’s just not that close with them as the friends he mentions. I just find that weird because If you’re out all day you’re bound to feel some connection with them otherwise you wouldn’t go! 

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Posted (edited)
52 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Why? Has he told you he would? I socialize at work with coworkers as does my husband - I don't know all their names and barely know the gender.  Even in an office setting it can be personal.  If I had lunch with a male coworker -which I've done just not at this particular job - I might or might not tell my husband and if I did I'm not sure if I'd mention the name or not -it depends.  We trust each other.  If you trust him there should be no issue.  Is it possible he doesn't know all of their names? Have you ever been invited along?

I haven’t been invited along but I think it’s just classmates so no SO’s. I trust him but at the same time I feel I should create a boundary for myself. I don’t feel comfortable with him having that many female friends especially when I know literally nothing of them other than the fact they’re coursemates. No faces no names. And it’s not just lunches. It’s going out for the entire day, going to wales, going to Oxford etc spending at least 6 hours minimum on any outing.

Edited by SuperSi
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It sounds like you’re making lots of assumptions about how he must feel in order to socialize with people.  How will you feel if he works with a lot of women and there are a lot of team building retreats and events ? Would you not feel comfortable with him working there ?

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He's been away schooling for 4 yrs?

You two have been involved just over 2?

Okay, so he's been good on communicating on things going on over there... I guess those he 'hangs with' are those he knows well enough & are just friends.

yes, he may back off a little with giving their names. but I suggest you not harass him about all of that. ( not sure when he's done there- but he does sound respectful with you and still interested)

As you mentioned, they only hang out every once & awhile to do something- as a group.

Try not to let things bother you - I do hope you see each other on occasion as well?

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Hi! 
 

What do you think is making you feel insecure? You trust him right? It’s just a group of friends regardless of gender no matter how you look at it.  
 

To be honest better a group then one on one with a female giving you suspicious behavior. Am I right? 
 

This all comes down to Trust.

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He probably doesn't mention them because he knows you won't react well to him being friends with these young ladies. 

I would peel back the layers here : how has your relationship been going? Do you two still get quality time together, and do you sometimes share similar experiences? 

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10 hours ago, SuperSi said:

 ... I appreciate I can’t join them ( I don’t want to anyway) 

Is it a distance relationship? You two don't seem to date much or spend quality time together.

It seems all his free time is spent on his university friends.

Stop talking at him. That will never work and comes across as controlling and possessive.

Instead ask yourself why you are tied down to a guy who would rather be with his uni friends.

There's no quality here. He's out having fun with his university friends and you are stuck. 

It may be time to set yourself free. That way you can talk to and meet guys who are ready willing and able to be with you.

Why be a spectator in your own life watching him have a great time with all his friends?

If he wanted to be with you,he would be. Think about that.

 

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12 hours ago, SuperSi said:

I know literally nothing of them other than the fact they’re coursemates. No faces no names. And it’s not just lunches. It’s going out for the entire day, going to wales, going to Oxford etc spending at least 6 hours minimum on any outing.

12 hours ago, SuperSi said:

he never talks about the girls EVER, he’d mention all his guy mates and that’s what weird. I called him out and he said he’s just not that close with them as the friends he mentions. I just find that weird because If you’re out all day you’re bound to feel some connection with them otherwise you wouldn’t go! 

I think you could save yourself a lot of anxiety by simply asking questions. "Tell me about your other friends [besides the male]. What are their names? What do you guys do all day?" And if you feel something is off after asking those basic questions, dig deeper. You're trapping yourself in a prison of vanity, keeping yourself helpless and useless because you don't want to look 'bad,' (whatever that means). Where's that going to leave you in the long run? Looking 'good' (questionable) and feeling horrible? Will it make you feel better to think, At least I look confident, while you're bawling your eyes out?

 

Edited by Jibralta
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I know people feel differently about these things but to me it seems you may be jealous over nothing. If you don't want to date a guy who has female friends then maybe your boyfriend isn't really the right guy for you. I think it would be controlling to tell him to have no female friends or to limit his number of female friends.

I agree it's a little strange he doesn't tell you their names but would it really make a difference if he did? It seems it bothers you he has female friends in general? It appears he hangs out in a big group of people that includes both males and females. So it's not like he spends time with only females or only one female, there are guys there too. He just does normal things, right? Not like staying in a hotel room with a female or going out clubbing or strip clubs or things like that? So the activities seem like just platonic friendship activities.

The only thing I see here is that maybe he should have included you in some activities with these friends and introduced you. You're his girlfriend of two years so maybe you should be more part of his life.

Do you introduce him to your friends and include them with your friends? Coz if you don't then maybe he just thought you both have separate friendship groups and that's just how it goes.

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How come he can't invite you along just once or twice? You don't have to go along every single time. Ask him to take you along to the next event or the two of you could plan something. Just say "Your friends sound like a lot of fun. I'd like to meet them. Could we plan something and invite your friends?" Or "Board games sounds fun. Could I join you sometime?"

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