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I'm upset about not being invited to my co-worker's party.


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This past Saturday was the party of one of my co-worker's, whom we'll just call "Emma". It was Emma's 22nd birthday and she was throwing this party, a party where a bunch of people at work called out so that they can attend. I didn't get an invite and at first I tried not to let it get to me, but I've spent the past few days hearing about the aftermath and now I can't deny how I'm feeling.

It really does feel like just about everyone at work got an invite except me. These two guys in the break room were talking about it and it reached a point where one of them started listing off some co-workers who dropped by at one point. There was evidently a bunch of people here at work who got invited and now I can't escape this feeling of exclusion.

Me and Emma actually do get along very well. She always goes out of her way to talk to me and strike up some conversation and I though for sure that I would get invited once I heard about the party. And Emma's behavior towards me hasn't changed in the past few days since the party. Not only am I trying to figure out why I didn't get invited, but I also want to know how not to feel so awful about it. It's been eating me up and I know that I can't let it get to me in the work place. How do I cope with this?

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Why don't you just mention it casually? "Oh hey, sounds like your birthday party was a blast. I didn't know about it until just now. How did it go?" Remember that this isn't about you. It was her birthday and she ought to be able to decide who goes and who doesn't. If she asks why you weren't there you obviously missed the memo. If she says it went fine or her answer is flat or she changes the subject, it's clear you weren't invited for a reason. 

Don't make a big deal out of it and do your own thing. You may have a reputation for overreacting so don't give anyone else a reason to suspect you can't handle rejection. This work crowd isn't the be all and end all. They're not harassing you or preventing you from doing your job. If they don't like you go and spend time with your real friends. 

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16 minutes ago, That36guy said:

It really does feel like just about everyone at work got an invite except me.

 

16 minutes ago, That36guy said:

trying to figure out why I didn't get invited,

Why do YOU think you weren't invited! You must have some idea.

 

Edited by LaHermes
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What kind of business is this work place?

She either forgot or didn't care; maybe even thought you wouldn't enjoy yourself. The bigger question is why worry about something that won't affect your job? These people aren't really your friends, they are people you are friendly with.

You want to make a "big deal" over something? Go have a great weekend, and brag about it. Do something that you want to do, and make it seem like the best thing since sliced bread.

But don't treat Emma differently, that will do nothing for you,

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1 minute ago, Rose Mosse said:

Why don't you just mention it casually? "Oh hey, sounds like your birthday party was a blast. I didn't know about it until just now. How did it go?"

Great idea. Suck to feel/be excluded but maybe it was word of mouth or something?

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I was in the same boat as you. I wasn't invited to a coworkers wedding but some were. They were tight lipped about attending around me because they knew I was excluded, and they felt bad about it. I was confused about it at first because I did so much for her personally/ helped her out and got along well. I guessed she emotionally didn't see me as a close like the others. Was I offended? No not really. I chalked it up as "whatever" not everyone is going to see me as a friend. Plus she had a limited budget, and there was no plus ones either.

I wouldn't let it eat you alive. It was just a party. By next week no one will be thinking about it. And TBH casually mentioning it might put her in an awkward position to answer you. I would let it go.

It's possible she had the impression that you wouldn't be interested in going. But whatever the reason, you still have a good rapport with her at work. Maybe start going out of your way to say hi and strike up a conversation with her. Maybe get to know her a little better on a personal level.

Edited by smackie9
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4 minutes ago, That36guy said:

If I had even a modicum of knowledge, I wouldn’t be posting here and asking for input.

Lovely. LOL.

None of us can read "Emma's" mind or know why she excluded you from the party. That is why I am asking.  Does nothing occur to you?

You might look at Ms. Canuck's last comment to you on other thread as regards "attitude adjustment."  Would attitude maybe be the reason you were not invited to this event?

Edited by LaHermes
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Have a BBQ at your place and invite everyone, make it word of mouth.  That way you come across as an open and sociable guy.

Who knows maybe those invited to her party all had parties she was invited to?

You can spring for some burgers🍔, hotdogs🌭 and stuff and ask a few friends to bring some drinks, snacks, playlists, etc., no?

 

 

Edited by Wiseman2
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5 minutes ago, LaHermes said:

Lovely. LOL.

None of us can read "Emma's" mind or know why she excluded you from the party. That is why I am asking.  Does nothing occur to you?

You might look at Ms. Canuck's last comment to you on other thread as regards "attitude adjustment."  Would attitude maybe be the reason you were not invited to this event?

I just don’t know. Maybe Emma just doesn’t see me as close of a friend like others at work, maybe she assumed I would just show up once word of mouth went around, or maybe it has to do with the party being held at the house of one of her friends who has an unrequited crush on me. There are several things to consider here.

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6 minutes ago, That36guy said:

maybe it has to do with the party being held at the house of one of her friends who has an unrequited crush on me.

Gosh, OP, things are looking up for you!   Get onto that girl immediately who has the unrequited crush on you. Ask her out. 

One would have thought that Emma would have invited you knowing that there was someone at the party crazy to meet you. Yes?

Edited by LaHermes
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Just now, LaHermes said:

Gosh, OP, things are looking up for you!   Get onto that girl immediately who has the unrequired crush on you. Ask her out. 

One would have thought that Emma would have invited you knowing that there was someone at the party crazy to meet you. Yes?

I’m not interested in that girl.

And yes, I would’ve thought that the crush would be an easy in for an invite, hence my confusion.

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1 minute ago, That36guy said:

I’m not interested in that girl.

And yes, I would’ve thought that the crush would be an easy in for an invite, hence my confusion.

Or it could be an easy out since it is unrequited. Basically, she didn't want the girl to feel awkward around you and is likely closer to her than you in terms of friendship. Could even be as simple as she didn't want to deal with that kind of drama on her b-day.

Also, could be as simple as she doesn't feel you are close enough friends. While she is friendly toward you, it could be that you don't reciprocate enough and come across as too aloof or distant, which is just fine.

Ultimately, your job is not a social scene. Please don't get lost in that and keep your head screwed on straight. Your co-workers aren't signing your paycheck, they are competing against you for it. Friendly and civil might be a better balance than fake pals.

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11 minutes ago, That36guy said:

I would’ve thought that the crush would be an easy in for an invite, hence my confusion.

If you and the other musketeers are going to get some on/off campus housing together,  better learn how to host a party.

Doesn't have to be Animal House, but get some practice being more outgoing and starting your own fun.

 

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26 minutes ago, DancingFool said:

Or it could be an easy out since it is unrequited. Basically, she didn't want the girl to feel awkward around you and is likely closer to her than you in terms of friendship. Could even be as simple as she didn't want to deal with that kind of drama on her b-day.

Also, could be as simple as she doesn't feel you are close enough friends. While she is friendly toward you, it could be that you don't reciprocate enough and come across as too aloof or distant, which is just fine.

Ultimately, your job is not a social scene. Please don't get lost in that and keep your head screwed on straight. Your co-workers aren't signing your paycheck, they are competing against you for it. Friendly and civil might be a better balance than fake pals.

Well, what's also confusing is that she apparently even invited other co-workers who come off as too distant and socially withdrawn. There's one girl here at this job who's basically Allison from The Breakfast Club. She just sits by herself in a corner in the breakroom with her headphones on and never talks to anyone. Me and other co-workers have even joked about not actually knowing what she sounds like.

Even she got invited to Emma's party. Granted, she didn't attend, but she still got the invite.

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1 hour ago, That36guy said:

Not only am I trying to figure out why I didn't get invited, but I also want to know how not to feel so awful about it. It's been eating me up and I know that I can't let it get to me in the work place. How do I cope with this?

A non-invitation to a party is small beer compared to the far more serious setbacks one experiences in life.  Try not to ruminate over it all.

You mentioned at other times that rejection is awful for you, and I expect you feel this is just another rejection? Yes?

Perhaps the answer is very simple. "Emma" didn't want you there.  If she had wanted you there she would have issued you an invitation.

Edited by LaHermes
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20 minutes ago, LaHermes said:

So, how about you throw a party and invite them all along?   How would you feel about hosting a social occasion?

Me and some friends are looking into renting an apartment and one of them has joked about throwing a housewarming party, but I don't think any of us are actually serious about it.

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Just now, That36guy said:

I don't think any of us are actually serious about it.

Why ever not?  What's so strange or funny about throwing any kind of party? 

You mentioned renting an apartment previously (with the other three musketeers?).  Could you not throw a party right now where you live?  

You never know where it could lead. Give it a go. 

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6 minutes ago, LaHermes said:

Why ever not?  What's so strange or funny about throwing any kind of party? 

You mentioned renting an apartment previously (with the other three musketeers?).  Could you not throw a party right now where you live?  

You never know where it could lead. Give it a go. 

I live with my parents right now, so a party couldn't happen. It'd turn into one of those cliche situations where the party is hosted while they're away and I have to clean up at the least minute and race to make sure that they don't find out. A party would be much better suited elsewhere.

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So, are you going to host a party elsewhere then? How soon will you have that rented apartment?  In any case you said earlier that your friends only "joked" about having a party. Why is the concept so strange to them, and you?

Why would you have to hide from your parents? You are 25 (not 15).  Tell them you would like to have a party and see how that goes down. 

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