Jump to content

Gutted Right Now


Recommended Posts

You are at the depression stage...you are almost there. One small positive thing that is coming your way will give you that uptick in the start of you getting out of this. Time to stop looking back, and face forward.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

On 6/11/2021 at 11:12 AM, EitherDare0 said:

...resentful and hateful, which is never a good thing to have...

Why wouldn't you be hatin' on such a ho?  Be glad she didn't string it out further.  She sucks 100%.  You will one day realize you dodged a bullet.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Sorry to hear about this! It will get better. I know its super tough, Ive been there!

Many many years ago I met this super sweet and pretty girl. One day when I was fixing the trim of her father's rental property she lived in with a few other girls, I found out upstairs she was writing with some NHL hockey player etc...and it was going on for a while and they were planning to meet...

When I told my father he said

"Son, see that picture of the Harley Davidson over there.. If you stay with her you can kiss one of those good-bye. Get her pregnant and she'll take everything from you.. She's the type of woman that if your boss invited you to his place for a dinner party, she'd be _____ with him"

Pretty blunt, but I guess some truth to it. I would be thankful you realized this now and not later.

My friend moved from the Netherlands to Austria to be with his girlfriend. They had a 2 year old daughter and while he was working and she was at home, she was chatting and hooking up with another guy. When he finally figured it out (he's a smart IT guy), she locked the doors of the house and made up that he was abusive just so he wasn't allowed back. He can't see his daughter when he wants, lost the house. A really great guy, so I feel sorry for him..

Anyways, it is great that you blocked her. I'd also get rid of anything that reminds you of her. My friend told me this advice once when he talked to a therapist about a bad breakup  - "Time is your best friend" so eventually you will get over her, just will take time...

You will definitely meet another GREAT women.

And I think you can definitely get your confidence by cutting off contact from this woman. You stuck up for yourself and let her know you don't tolerate that BS.

If I were you I would get in touch with that cute girl that is interested in you. You don't have to jump into anything serious right away, but it's good to keep moving forward...

 

 

 

Edited by mical
  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

27 minutes ago, mical said:

If I were you I would get in touch with that cute girl that is interested in you. You don't have to jump into anything serious right away, but it's good to keep moving

I disagree with this. It's not nice to use someone to make yourself feel better. Sure, you could tell her you don't want anything "serious" but guarantee she will fall in love with you. Then you'd be doing to her what was just done to you.

As long as you're still in love with your ex, please don't date. Do, however, get involved in social activities.  That will help you move forward, not trying to date.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

15 hours ago, Pleasedonot5 said:

My most recent ex says I am a narcissist, too.

It is interesting how many rush to ascribe various pathologies to ex-partners. In many cases, all the partner did was end the relationship. Surely, that does not warrant a diagnosis. 

The story is much simpler than the one you are telling yourself. First, you were into one another and you started a relationship. You enjoyed each other's company for a while, maybe even fell in love. Then, for reasons you know or reasons you do not, she lost interest and fell out of love. She processed that for some time, then she decided to end the relationship in the way least painful for her. Now, she is seeing other people to help her deal with her grief or loss. Or, she is just enjoying her single life since she no longer owes any duty of faithfulness to you. Or, both.

This loss has caused you immense pain and suffering. You deserve compassion because you are suffering so much. I do sincerely hope your suffering does not last long. And I do not envy your situation. I have been there before and it sucks.

That said, you will gain nothing - minus momentary comfort - from casting blame and ascribing pathologies to your former loved one. You impede your healing when you cast blame, diagnose, and vilify your ex. And if you are anything like me, you will feel awful in the long-run knowing that you did not handle the situation in the right way. 

I think there are several things you should not be doing at this time, which you have done:

  • You unloaded blame and vitriol onto her for all of the hurt you are experiencing.
  • You have acted like she is in the wrong for sleeping with others while she is single. (It is difficult to see - no question - but she owes you no duty of faithfulness at this point). 
  • You have said she has various psychological disorders like narcissistic personality disorder and bipolar disorder. You do this instead of acknowledging that she is a flawed human that simply fell out of love and ended your relationship. 

None of this is healthy. In fact, it is immature. It will only impede your healing and burn bridges. I realize you are in pain and this may sting to read but you should alter your behaviors and your perspective moving forward.

In my opinion, moving forward, you should:

  • Save face. Apologize for your recent vitriolic outburst. Say you are struggling with healing but what you said and did was not fair. You wanted to let her know. 
  • Politely explain that you will still need to block her on everything in order to heal and move on, but if applicable, you are open to reconciliation if she changes her mind and here is how she can reach you. 
  • Work on yourself physically. Go to the gym every day. Run (or do cardio) often. Buy a new wardrobe. Get a new haircut that makes you feel like a million bucks. 
  • Work on yourself mentally / socially. Post on ENA. Find out or infer why she fell out of love with you and fix those items (maybe it was the way you were acting - maybe it was something else). Find a new social hobby or activity. Meet new people. 

--

This is tough love advice, but remember, I am posting for your benefit. I hope this helps. 

There is soo much more to it all. I would need a book to write everything. Her mom is a diagnosed narcissist for one. For two, she cuts off people who love her out of nowhere, all. the time. First husband, man she was engaged to before me, me, my mother/family, her own aunt and uncle, friends. I am sure you are thinking that she is just mentally strong and stands here ground. But honestly, MAYBE two of those above deserved it, maybe.

 

This isn't because she ended it. It is precisely how she ended it and how she acted after. If she wants to get around with ppl after me, that is her prerogative. I think it's immature, beneath her (especially bc of what she supposedly preaches), but she is single so she can do whatever. To me, it seems like she is spiraling wildy out of control. She did this same sort of thing before her and I met, after she broke off her engagement. This was way back when we were friends. Back when I turned her down and didn't accept her initial advances as I too had just gotten out of a longterm relationship. She even warned me early on about how she easily develops some cold distant feeling out of nowhere for no reason, and she needs to run. She pre-predicted this. She also has said before that she sometimes fears she is a low-level sociopath. This is HER own words. 

 

She has a track record of wanting what she cannot have or what is hard to attain. Once she gets it, especially once she knows she has the admiration, she eventually gets bored and cuts that person off, doing it again to another victim. 

This isn't some cheap shot at her bc I am mad. I have listened to numerous experts talk about narcissistic personality disorder. I actually didn't want to believe it for awhile, if anything I wanted to be delusional and say "No! Not her, not my lovely GF". But when I step back from the admiration and love, and truly listen, she fits EVERY SINGLE marker of someone with this.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I understand this is painful and you have my sympathies, but I agree that, in the end, you should consider yourself lucky that you dodged a bullet here. This person isn't good, I believe you are aware of it, but it will take time to get over the disappointment that she isn't all you thought she was.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 2 weeks later...
Posted (edited)

Not really sure what else to do. She had blocked me on Instagram before, and then recently texted me to apologize for blocking me and wanted to let me know she unblocked me….

I did NOT add her though, did not give her the vindication she wants. 
 

Nothing seems to be getting better though. I feel painfully depressed and alone. I attempted to get back onto dating sites, but I can quickly tell that I am not mentally with it. Had a few ladies want to meet up, but I am showing zero follow through. All I seem to do is crave to be back with my ex. I try to block It out, but I cannot stop the thoughts, especially when alone. The WORST part of it is the dreams. I cannot stop dreaming of her. It’s terrible. How the hell can I cope with that? I workout daily. I don’t really have anyone here to help me. And I am mentally too screwed up to meet anyone knew. It’s like even though not in really any contact or anything, my EX still inadvertently has power over me. 
 

People say to work on myself. But how else do I do that? Being alone, no motivation to meet anyone new. Working hard and working out hard. I feel like a burden so I rarely bring it up much to friends. I suffer mostly in silence. But everyone jsut tells me things like “I dodged a bullet” or “her loss”. But nobody seems to understand she’s all I want. All I painfully want but can’t have. Sadly I know it Bc even IF she wanted me back she likely wouldn’t tell me. And even IF she did, I know we cannot be together. Sure as heck right now in our lives. Likely not ever.  
 

Everyone seems to say the right things. The “If it’s meant to be” stuff. The things those who care about you say. Nobody ever thinks fighting for a relationship is the right then. To fight for what I want. And I suppose it’s right. 
 

but nothing seems to be getting better. Distance, new place, barely any contact at all…. And yet I don’t feel like I’m improving. If anything it feels worse. Especially when the dreams take its toll and but me in a depressed move from the jump. 
 

HEARTBREAK SUCKS. 

Edited by EitherDare0
Link to comment
Share on other sites

The dreams are really rough, OP. They can mess with you for whole days at a time... I'm sorry you are going through that. This relationship clearly left an impression on you. Now, it is over and you are dealing with immense loss. The dreams are one way that loss manifests. 

Of course, this hurts because someone you love has been lost: she has chosen to leave you. This feeling of loss is unavoidable, and it is the type of loss that heals "in time." When people die, their loved ones grieve. Break-up loss is similar. Either way, it takes some time but healing from this type of loss will happen.

There are reasons that people hold onto lost relationships in ways that significantly delay the healing. A few I can think of off of the top of my head are that (1) you still see a possible future with them, i.e., this does not seem like the end of your "story" (most times the break-up is the end of the story), (2) you feel like they were your "best" and it is difficult to see finding a good relationship again (this is usually false), (3) you do not understand the reasons why the relationship ended, or (4) you feel guilty for having made a mistake or misstep in the relationship, which contributed to its end.

In my experience, some of the reasons above relate to knowing the reasons she chose to leave you. Were you being a jerk? Were you clingy? Did she have needs you were not meeting? Is there something in the relationship you were not doing that she wants in a partner? Is she freaked out by close, loving relationships for some reason? Was she thinking your relationship was doomed because you were soon to be long-distance?

What do you think, OP? Did she tell you the reasons? Or, can you infer reasons (ones that are better than that she has some sort of pathology)? If the reasons happen to be those within your control, then perhaps you can fix them (if that is something you want to do). That helps to find closure - and, if you want reconciliation, this would be a crucial step.  

Moving forward, are you open to reconciliation? Is that what you want? Or, are you totally against the idea?

Quote

 I suffer mostly in silence.

Do not do this. Talk to your friends and family. Thinking "I do not want to burden them" is a mental fiction. Most people understand that others go through hard times. And people like being there for their friends and family, generally speaking.

If there are no friends in whom you feel comfortable confiding, then see a therapist. Several universities in the U.S. have free counseling, even for members of the general public. If therapy otherwise would be too expensive, then you can check out one of those programs. 

Of course, if all else fails, you are welcome to post/vent here. 

Quote

Had a few ladies want to meet up, but I am showing zero follow through.

Hey, silver lining is you are getting matches on dating apps! I am not bad-looking by any means (I have no issue with women in person), but I almost never get a match/response on those apps/sites. So, you are doing something right. 

That said, slow down. You are not ready to date yet, as you are not over your ex. There is no rush: there will still be compatible matches for you when you have healed and moved on. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Will you consider asking her to stop contacting you, then blocking her and unfollowing/unfriending her from ALL possible social media platforms?

You are still in communication, which tells your psyche you are still in the relationship.  But your logical brain knows you are not.  This dichotomy is causing you distress. "Barely in contact" is still in contact.  You cannot move forward as long as you keep yourself chained to the past.

You hold the key to your freedom.  Do you want to use it?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

1 hour ago, Pleasedonot5 said:
Quote

 

The dreams are really rough, OP. They can mess with you for whole days at a time... I'm sorry you are going through that. This relationship clearly left an impression on you. Now, it is over and you are dealing with immense loss. The dreams are one way that loss manifests. 

Of course, this hurts because someone you love has been lost: she has chosen to leave you. This feeling of loss is unavoidable, and it is the type of loss that heals "in time." When people die, their loved ones grieve. Break-up loss is similar. Either way, it takes some time but healing from this type of loss will happen.

There are reasons that people hold onto lost relationships in ways that significantly delay the healing. A few I can think of off of the top of my head are that (1) you still see a possible future with them, i.e., this does not seem like the end of your "story" (most times the break-up is the end of the story), (2) you feel like they were your "best" and it is difficult to see finding a good relationship again (this is usually false), (3) you do not understand the reasons why the relationship ended, or (4) you feel guilty for having made a mistake or misstep in the relationship, which contributed to its end.

 

Yeah the dreams are brutal. At times we are together still in them. At time it makes up nonsense infidelity situations. I will wake up, realize the dream, try to distract myself. Get up to get a drink and reset. Heck, sometimes I will refuse to go back to sleep, being less rested is better than more dream suffering. 

1- I would hold the see a future pretty low, probably less than 10% I suppose there is potential. She said that stuff to me back right after she broke up with me. To an extent I see why she meant it, as we have been long-distance for 6months, and in the future I suppose it's possible we could be together again. I would say very unlikely though.

2- Some truth I assume. Never felt in-love with anyone like this. I know rationally looking back, their are some serious issues with her as well. I suppose there are better women for me. However, she ticked so many boxes in what I want, I fear I won't find someone who ticks so many. Mostly she was my best-friend. I used to be hers to. But obviously she accepted she had to hurt me and change that for her own personal reasons.

3- I do not entirely understand. I was given some reasons, and I suppose I should take them for truth. I guess it is just more painful because the reasons given, that is not AT ALL how she acted prior to the break up. So it's clear to me she isn't being honest, or more likely she is now, but she was not the last month even weeks leading up to the breakup.

4- I mean I can reflect and I know there are some things I could have done better. But weirdly I do not feel like I made some major mistakes. I was who I am. 

Quote

 

What do you think, OP? Did she tell you the reasons? Or, can you infer reasons (ones that are better than that she has some sort of pathology)? If the reasons happen to be those within your control, then perhaps you can fix them (if that is something you want to do). That helps to find closure - and, if you want reconciliation, this would be a crucial step.  

Moving forward, are you open to reconciliation? Is that what you want? Or, are you totally against the idea?

 

What I feel is the most prudent, is that distance killed things. We lived together 2 years. and we were so happy in almost every way imaginable, except her career. She was not happy with her career, and I had to take the gamble to agree to let her pursue it, knowing this could happen. After living together for 2 years, we were long-distance for 6months, 1,000 miles away. Only seeing each-other 2-3 days a month tops. Honestly, that hurts the romance, passion, sex life, etc. I know I got lonely, I am sure she did too. She is young, wanted to hike/adventure/explore Colorado. I am sure in a way she felt held back by it all. She also wants a family/kids in the not too distant future. It would be 6more months minimum until we could possible have been together again. So most likely over time I feel like we lost the luster a little. The romance and passion. I wanted to pursue it more, but it takes two to make it work. 

Am I open to reconcile? That's the million dollar question. My rational side says no, my heart says yes, with some adjustments. I know for sure we could not reconcile until down the road, in much better situations in life mentally and physical. I think it is highly unlikely to happen. A small part of me would like to. A lot of me I think misses what we were and what I thought she was. Although at least in the present, thinking of being with her again, I would have to totally rebuild trust, and it took me well over a year the first time to trust her in the beginning. 

Quote

 

Do not do this. Talk to your friends and family. Thinking "I do not want to burden them" is a mental fiction. Most people understand that others go through hard times. And people like being there for their friends and family, generally speaking.

If there are no friends in whom you feel comfortable confiding, then see a therapist. Several universities in the U.S. have free counseling, even for members of the general public. If therapy otherwise would be too expensive, then you can check out one of those programs. 

Of course, if all else fails, you are welcome to post/vent here. 

 

I do talk to friends about it, but I feel like there is not much else to say. My one friend just had a baby, and I think he has more important things going on. My other friend talks with me about it, but honestly I am not sure what else there is to say. He says all the normal right things you would say to someone in my position. 

Quote

 

Hey, silver lining is you are getting matches on dating apps! I am not bad-looking by any means (I have no issue with women in person), but I almost never get a match/response on those apps/sites. So, you are doing something right. 

That said, slow down. You are not ready to date yet, as you are not over your ex. There is no rush: there will still be compatible matches for you when you have healed and moved on. 

 

Yeah, I get a decent number of matches, but I am clearly not mentally ready. I would like to pursuit friendships with these ladies at least, but I am struggling the follow through with that even. Sucks because I feel painfully lonely, and the more alone I am the more I ruminate and think terrible things. BUT, when presented the option to change that, more or less I do not do it. It's like I am stuck in some awful limbo. It's terrible because she controls me to an extent even without doing anything. 

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

44 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Will you consider asking her to stop contacting you, then blocking her and unfollowing/unfriending her from ALL possible social media platforms?

You are still in communication, which tells your psyche you are still in the relationship.  But your logical brain knows you are not.  This dichotomy is causing you distress. "Barely in contact" is still in contact.  You cannot move forward as long as you keep yourself chained to the past.

You hold the key to your freedom.  Do you want to use it?

Well we are not friends on any social media at all. Beginning of the month I let me emotions and hurt get the best of me and sent her a scathing message out of frustration and pain. Nothing psychotic, but the sort of response you might find from a wounded soul hurt and confused. Which got me blocked on everything. Which I actually was fine with. BUT, a week ago out of the blue she texted me to apologized for blocking me, to let me know she unblocked me on Instagram. To which I have NOT followed her on. I also took her down off all my Instagram photos.

The only real contact we've had lately is some important things like discussing the separation of things. I.E she was on my health benefits so she needs to get her own. She took care of the car insurance so I have to get my own. 

She did then reach out to ask how my move and new job was going. So we exchanged a few texts there. 

Yesterday, she attempted to vent to me about some issues she is having with her roommate. I am sure it's part because she feels comfortable talking to me about it/our background, and the other part is likely she wanted me to be the moron/friend type she can complain to about her drama, with no benefits of a relationship. Because I am sure whatever man she keeps company with doesn't know much to weigh in, or she doesn't want to burden them with that... I did not really help must. I bluntly responded once my opinion in a very "Don't cry to me about it" tone, and that was it.

 

I struggle with the decision on that. Part of me wants to be a mature adult and respond to some extent. Other part of me thinks I am a full who she is trying to use, and I should tell her to leave me be permanently. I guess so far I have been reasonably disciplined. No pining for her or anything relationship talk. But I still do not seem to posess the balls to block her entirely. Maybe the finality of it all is too hard for me to bear, idk.... 

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

13 minutes ago, EitherDare0 said:

Part of me wants to be a mature adult and respond to some extent

You are keeping yourself stuck every time you respond. 

It's has nothing to do with maturity. Maturity would be recognizing that this person wiped her feet on you and deserves no place in your life. Maturity would be recognizing that she brings you pain, and continued contact of any kind is not working for you. It's flawed thinking to tell oursleves it's "mature" to respond to an ex. It is not. 

You're not quite ready to let her go, so you keep answering. This is normal when we are heartbroken. But at some point, we have to be our own best friends instead of our own worst enemies, and realize we are prolonging our own misery by not shutting down contact of all types: social media, random chit chat, whatever. You are not in a place where any of that is working. It doesn't matter if you're not talking about the relaitonship. The very fact that you're talking to her is preventing you from really moving on. 

Maybe someday, when you have both moved on a long time from now, you could be friendly. Now is not that time. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

34 minutes ago, EitherDare0 said:

Well we are not friends on any social media at all. Beginning of the month I let me emotions and hurt get the best of me and sent her a scathing message out of frustration and pain. Nothing psychotic, but the sort of response you might find from a wounded soul hurt and confused. Which got me blocked on everything. Which I actually was fine with. BUT, a week ago out of the blue she texted me to apologized for blocking me, to let me know she unblocked me on Instagram. To which I have NOT followed her on. I also took her down off all my Instagram photos.

The only real contact we've had lately is some important things like discussing the separation of things. I.E she was on my health benefits so she needs to get her own. She took care of the car insurance so I have to get my own. 

She did then reach out to ask how my move and new job was going. So we exchanged a few texts there. 

Yesterday, she attempted to vent to me about some issues she is having with her roommate. I am sure it's part because she feels comfortable talking to me about it/our background, and the other part is likely she wanted me to be the moron/friend type she can complain to about her drama, with no benefits of a relationship. Because I am sure whatever man she keeps company with doesn't know much to weigh in, or she doesn't want to burden them with that... I did not really help must. I bluntly responded once my opinion in a very "Don't cry to me about it" tone, and that was it.

 

I struggle with the decision on that. Part of me wants to be a mature adult and respond to some extent. Other part of me thinks I am a full who she is trying to use, and I should tell her to leave me be permanently. I guess so far I have been reasonably disciplined. No pining for her or anything relationship talk. But I still do not seem to posess the balls to block her entirely. Maybe the finality of it all is too hard for me to bear, idk.... 

 

So I guess the short answer to my question is "no".  You aren't willing to stop contact and you're not willing to do the one thing that would help you move forward, which is to end any and all communication.

At some point you have to realize the reason you continue to feel awful is your own choice to keep yourself tied to someone who doesn't want the same things you want and who doesn't want to be with you in a relationship.  She is not doing this to you; you are by basically refusing to move forward.

I presume eventually you'll decide "OK, enough is enough!" and put an end to this.  You're not there yet, apparently.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

22 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

You are keeping yourself stuck every time you respond. 

It's has nothing to do with maturity. Maturity would be recognizing that this person wiped her feet on you and deserves no place in your life. Maturity would be recognizing that she brings you pain, and continued contact of any kind is not working for you. It's flawed thinking to tell oursleves it's "mature" to respond to an ex. It is not. 

You're not quite ready to let her go, so you keep answering. This is normal when we are heartbroken. But at some point, we have to be our own best friends instead of our own worst enemies, and realize we are prolonging our own misery by not shutting down contact of all types: social media, random chit chat, whatever. You are not in a place where any of that is working. It doesn't matter if you're not talking about the relaitonship. The very fact that you're talking to her is preventing you from really moving on. 

Maybe someday, when you have both moved on a long time from now, you could be friendly. Now is not that time. 

I think all this is a fair statement. I suppose I struggle with the reality of it truly being over. So completely over. A lot of it probably stems from how swiftly and suddenly it ended. I wish I could say I sensed it, like I felt we were growing apart, or she was acting differently or distant, but honestly I did not get that. 

Also doesn't help that I still have not been able to full let go of our things. Our place we had before I moved to AZ. I still have it for a few more weeks, and I need to get back there and finish getting rid of things. Our things, some of her things. I guess right now I sort of live with it out of sight out of mind, but the painful truth is I still must go back to Our apartment we shared, and finish closing that chapter of our lives. Which holds a lot of pictures, her items, etc. Fun!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Posted (edited)
15 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

So I guess the short answer to my question is "no".  You aren't willing to stop contact and you're not willing to do the one thing that would help you move forward, which is to end any and all communication.

At some point you have to realize the reason you continue to feel awful is your own choice to keep yourself tied to someone who doesn't want the same things you want and who doesn't want to be with you in a relationship.  She is not doing this to you; you are by basically refusing to move forward.

I presume eventually you'll decide "OK, enough is enough!" and put an end to this.  You're not there yet, apparently.

Apparently not. I know what I should do, but I apparently do not have the mental fortitude to do so. I would imagine like any hurt person, part of me lives in this fairy tale world, where she is contacting me out of missing me, and will soon realize how much she wants to have me around. But, rationally that's not going to happen. I have no choice to move on or suffer longer from it. I wish I had the drive to do so, but sadly I do not feel I do yet.... which makes me feel even more like a piece of crap.

It's funny, bc you read other peoples posts on this site, so many times it's easy to say what they should do. Until.... it's your own that you are dealing with lol. Interesting study in psychology I suppose. 

Edited by EitherDare0
Link to comment
Share on other sites

40 minutes ago, EitherDare0 said:

I guess so far I have been reasonably disciplined.

No, so far you obliged her every request. You didnt block her, she blocked you because of your message. And now unblocked when she needed to vent. "No contact" rule is precisely there for that reason, so stuff like this wouldnt happen and person to be able to move on. She left you because at the wedding you attended she just saw a guy. Then proceeded to string you along, even talking about the guy she wants to date. In meantime you even found out from her roomate that she probably cheated on you. How much more do you need for you to cut that person off your life? Do you realize how weak you are for letting her swing you around her little finger? You need to take control. She will not take you back, even if she does why would you even want somebody like that back? She will make your life Hell, heck, she is making it right now. And that wont stop until you cut her through. What we all are consequences of our own choices. So you have only self to blame here. So either stay miserable or do whats needed to be done in the first place and move on with your life.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

44 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

 Do you realize how weak you are for letting her swing you around her little finger? You need to take control. She will not take you back, even if she does why would you even want somebody like that back? She will make your life Hell, heck, she is making it right now. And that wont stop until you cut her through. What we all are consequences of our own choices. So you have only self to blame here. So either stay miserable or do whats needed to be done in the first place and move on with your life.

Yes, I know exactly how weak it is... I am pretty sure I've stated clearly that I am pretty weak in all this and I hate the power she has over me. 

I get what you're saying, but it's not quite that easy for me. 

I think (hope) I am wavering in the Depression, Acceptance stage. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

OP, thanks for your reply. 

I understand you think it is unlikely that you will get back together. That is probably true, practically speaking. However, that has little bearing on your path forward. If you want to reconcile under certain conditions, I think it would be counterintuitive to keep that to yourself. 

Apologize for the wounded outburst if you haven't already. Accept her apology for blocking you on social media (that she apologized and unblocked you makes me think she is struggling too). Mention that you need space (i.e., no contact) from her to heal and work on yourself, but that you are open to talking about getting back together if she ever wants to talk about that. Then, I recommend going into no contact mode, unfollowing her on social media, changing her name in your phone to "Patience, EitherDare0," and continuing to move on. 

Doing this, you put everyone on the same page with regard to your intentions. You leave the ball in the ex's court - there is no "what if I did more." You also get the benefit of out of sight, out of mind, which helps healing. And using this strategy, you know you tried your best. 

I struggled moving on from an ex, call her E, for years. She slept with a friend and close associate of mine shortly after we broke up, and that felt like a betrayal at the time. We might have gotten back together, if it weren't for all the complicated emotions surrounding that situation. After the years passed by, I was still grieving. My pride/anger prevented me from seeing that I still wanted her and that relationship. I sent a letter in 2019 that did not blame and did not pout, but openly stated my feelings for her and desire to reconcile. I am proud of that letter: I think it was dignified and respectable.

She never responded. As time went on, I realized silence was my answer. But hey, after sending the letter, I knew I tried my best and made my intentions known. She did not want to reconcile (when I sent the letter, I thought she was still with a boyfriend - turns out later I found out they had broken up and she was single at the time - still no response). There were no more what ifs. Understanding that I did all I could do, the dreams decreased in number and potency. 

The thought of that relationship sometimes stings. But only just stings, nothing more. I think finally giving my best showing (then staying NC, of course) gave me the closure I needed / never received in any other way. 

--

Other last-minute notes:

Yeah, dreams are rough. The most painful dreams I had of E were either deeply symbolic (e.g., being together in a burning house), or sometimes us just talking and laughing. I think the latter type hurt worse. 

People need to think before making major decisions, such as whether to break up with a partner. I would not call a failure to disclose / act out all relationship doubts a lie.

I agree: it does seem like the distance played a pivotal role in her decision to end the relationship.

--

Hope this helps. 

Edited by Pleasedonot5
Link to comment
Share on other sites

5 hours ago, EitherDare0 said:

 

 

7 hours ago, EitherDare0 said:

 I don’t feel like I’m improving. If anything it feels worse. 

Sorry this is happening. You need to see a physician if you feel your depression is deepening. Get a referral to a therapist for ongoing support.

No contact and deleting and blocking her and all her people from ALL your social media and messaging apps would help you also.

Please don't use people on dating apps to boost your ego. It's not helping you and you're just jerking innocent people around. 

You had no control over this. She wanted to pursue something and did so.

Address your depression. Let go of this "fighting for the relationship" mentality.

After 2 years living together,she wanted a new direction. She knows who you are and left nonetheless so things obviously weren't that perfect.

Yes you'll hear a lot of platitudes when talking to friends, you seem ungrateful for their time and effort.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

5 hours ago, EitherDare0 said:

Our apartment we shared, and finish closing that chapter of our lives. Which holds a lot of pictures, her items, etc. Fun!

It's tough. 

I've been where you are, after the break-up of a long-term, live-in relaitonship. I remained the house we shared while he went to stay with friends, and later the woman who I discovered he'd been secretly seeing the last couple months of our relationship. 

His things were all still in our place, except for some clothes he'd taken with him. He came back occasionally when I wasn't there to pick up more things, but I finally got sick of looking at all his stuff, every day. So I bagged it all up rather indiscriminately and tossed it in the basement. Told him where he could find it. Both our names were on the lease so I couldn't exactly kick him out altogether but not looking at all his belongings all the time was refreshing. 

Once you're through that part, you will make a big step in your healing. It's not easy but it won't be hanging over your head anymore. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

10 hours ago, EitherDare0 said:

but nothing seems to be getting better. Distance, new place, barely any contact at all…. And yet I don’t feel like I’m improving. If anything it feels worse. Especially when the dreams take its toll and but me in a depressed move from the jump. 

It's only been two months. I know you've heard this a million times, but these things take time to get past. You will get past it, though.

I think it would help you A LOT to purge all of those shared things of yours, and close up that apartment. Be systematic about it.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Posted (edited)

Thank you all for your responses. I have gone full No Contact mode since this post almost a week ago. Granted it's only been a few days, but... so far. The day after I posted the update 7/26, she had texted me. Some small tidbit complaining about her job, looking for sympathy. I ignored it... then later blocked her, on everything.

 

Huge problem I am having is the dreams. I have more dreams about her now than I was earlier on. Maybe the shock is wearing off. It's terrible. It's not once in a while, it is EVERY night. Sometimes it's like we are together. Other times it's some conjured up betrayal scenario. Other times it's just random incoherent inclusion. 

 

So frustrating. I constantly wake up depressive from it. I wake up and will literally super focus my brain to think of something, anything else. Doesn't matter, as soon as I go back to sleep it she comes flooding right back in.

 

I workout, hard, daily. I keep busy. I talk about it here and there to friends, and obviously use this site to help me get it off my chest. Does not matter, it's a constant struggle to stop thinking about her, both during sleep AND awake. I know some have recommended therapy. Other than medication idk what else they can do for me. I can talk about her and it all until I'm blue in the face, doesn't change how often I am reminded of her and how often I dream of her. 

Edited by EitherDare0
spelling
  • Like 3
Link to comment
Share on other sites

22 minutes ago, EitherDare0 said:

I can talk about her and it all until I'm blue in the face, doesn't change how often I am reminded of her and how often I dream of her. 

Very understandable OP.  The shock of the finality is kicking in, and those dreams (over which in your sleep you have no control) are the brain's way of clearing out the sludge (albeit painfully).  I have known IRL a few people who told me exactly what you are saying, after enduring very traumatic events. The dreams will fade, in time, and are in a way therapeutic, even if they might not seem so to you right now. 

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

36 minutes ago, EitherDare0 said:

I know some have recommended therapy. Other than medication idk what else they can do for me.

They can usually offer more targeted coping strategies, once they get to know you. They can tailor ideas and mechanisms specifically for you, in a way that a stranger (this forum) or untrained and unobjective observers (your friends and family) cannot. 

It might be worth a try, if you find that this is interfering in your day-to-day life to this degree. Also keep in mind that you are pretty fresh into No Contact are only now really genuinely learning to live without her. You are learning not to hope to hear from her, not to communicate with her at all. That will take time. The clock for that started when you blocked her everywhere, so it's very recent. 

I am sorry you're struggling so much. It's really hard when you just can't seem to focus on anything else and continue to feel so down. But keep talking, and keep the faith that this process will eventually move you forward. 

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Restore formatting

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

 Share


×
×
  • Create New...